Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
If Kindergarten Ran Congress—Why Grown-Ups Are Just Big Kids With Fancier Snack Taxes
Inspired by the TV show and the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more on Tiffany, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Amnesty Day—No Time-Outs, No Filters, No Mercy
What happens when you give kids a microphone, a free pass, and the promise that absolutely nothing they say about the government will get them sent to the principal's office? You get the most honest, side-splitting roast of the people in charge—straight from the sippy cup set. Grown-ups, buckle up: your approval ratings are about to hit nap time.
The Great Rulebook Rant
"Oh, you made another law? Cool. I made a rule that you can't step on the blue tiles. Mine actually gets followed, though."
The Snack Tax Scandal
"Wait, so you take my allowance, call it 'taxes,' and then buy stuff I don't even want? That's like Mom taking my Halloween candy and giving me broccoli. Can I vote you out of my lunchbox?"
The Election Eyeroll
"You call it 'democracy,' but it's just a popularity contest. At least in my class, the line leader gets picked for sharing crayons, not for having the biggest poster."
The Promise Problem
"'We promise to fix everything!' Yeah, and I promised not to eat glue. We all know how that turned out."
The Budget Breakdown
"You spent HOW MUCH on a fighter jet? For that much, you could buy every kid in America a trampoline and a year's supply of fruit snacks. Priorities, people."
The Filibuster Fiasco
"Why do you talk for hours and never say anything? In kindergarten, if you talk too long, you lose your turn. Maybe Congress needs a talking stick."
The Transparency Tantrum
"You say you're being 'transparent,' but I can't even see what you're doing behind all those big words. My goldfish is more transparent, and he's literally see-through."
The Committee Catastrophe
"You need a committee to decide on pizza toppings? In my class, we just vote. If you lose, you get extra carrots. That's called consequences."
The Scandal Snackdown
"When someone messes up at school, we have circle time and say sorry. When you mess up, you call it 'an internal review' and go on vacation. Where do I sign up for that?"
The Lobbyist Lunch Swap
"You let people bring you snacks so you'll do what they want? That's called bribery, and I got a time-out for it last week. Just saying."
The Debt Drama
"You owe HOW MUCH? And you still get to buy stuff? If I owe my friend a quarter, I can't even get a turn on the swings."
The Speech Sigh
"Another speech? Unless you're announcing extra recess, I'm not listening. Call me when you have cookies."
The Term Limit Takedown
"You get to stay in charge forever? In my class, you get one week as line leader. Then you have to share. Try it sometime."
The "For the People" Farce
"You say you work for us, but I've never seen you at snack time. If you want my vote, show up with pizza and juice boxes. Otherwise, you're just another grown-up with a tie."
The Ultimate Verdict
"Look, I love that you try, but if you want to run the country, maybe start by running a classroom. Or at least survive a day on the playground. Trust me, it's harder than Congress."
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for inspiring kids everywhere to keep it real. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
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