"If heaven gave me a second chance, I'd use it to roast everyone in it." – Wu Feng
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Earth – Convenience Store Rooftop, 3:27 AM
"Let me explain the cultivation genre real quick," Wu Feng said to his stream, phone perched on a stolen traffic cone, red bull can in hand. "You sit on rocks, glare at the horizon, and slap anyone who questions your drip. That's enlightenment."
Chat exploded.
[user432]: Bro stop you're gonna get transmigrated at this rate
[cultivator_gf]: LOL he called pill refiner sects meth labs with robes[admin]: Warning: Toxic Content – Too Based
"Too based? I'm spitting facts," Wu grinned. "You think Qi comes from meditation? Nah. It comes from plot armor and inherited grandpas."
He took a step back, raised both hands to dab ironically—and his foot met destiny.
A spilled instant noodle cup.
He slipped. Spun. Fell twenty stories.
And dabbed all the way down.
Mortal Dust Realm – Broken Root Sect, Orphan Pit #3
Pain. Cold. The unmistakable smell of cheap incense, wet moss, and ancestral disappointment.
Wu Feng blinked awake in a stone hut filled with ragged bedding and disappointed orphans.
A crowd had gathered. Dozens of outer sect disciples in discount robes, smirking like they'd just found someone weaker than themselves.
"Orphan #98 lives," one sneered. "Shame. I was hoping we could use his body to patch the arena floor."
Laughter.
Wu sat up slowly. Took in the world around him.
A rusted sword rack with no swords. Cracked stone walls covered in "inspirational" banners written in brush calligraphy:
"Face is Dao. Humility is Death." "Speak not unless spoken to, trash."
He checked his pulse. Strong. He felt… light. Like his bones had been replaced with sarcasm.
And then—
[DING!]Petty System Booting…"You have been bound to Heaven's Lost Jester Protocol. Welcome, Wu Feng."
System Mode: Petty Path (Solo Cultivation via Maximum Disrespect)
Intro Quest: Roast a Disciplinary Elder within 10 minutes. Bonus if it rhymes.
Reward: Beginner's Disrespect Manual + 50 PP (Petty Points)
Wu blinked.
He grinned.
He stood.
Time to ruin a fantasy novel.
A gong rang out from the hill above. Dust flew. The crowd parted as a tall, thin figure floated down on a Qi-powered gourd shaped like a judgment scale.
Elder Xuan Lei, enforcer of tradition, slapper of dreams.
His beard was waxed to perfection. His sleeves were longer than most mortal relationships.
"Silence!" he boomed. "The newly awakened trash will submit to sect customs. Bow before your betters."
Wu cupped his hands respectfully. Then cleared his throat.
"Oh great Elder Xuan Lei, face full of dismay, whose beard points left 'cause your morals won't stay—I thank thee for this welcome so pure and divine, though I'm trash, at least I'm not 500 and crying."
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Then: gasps.
Even the wind paused to gossip.
Elder Xuan Lei's eyebrow twitched. "You—!"
Wu wasn't done.
"Tradition? You mean your bedtime excuses? Calling your impotence 'Dao restraint'—stop the abuses. I bow only to gravity and instant noodles, and you, good sir, are beneath both in my rule book."
[DING!]+50 Petty Points! Style Rating: 4/5 – Internal vein disruption triggered in three disciples. Reward Unlocked: Beginner's Disrespect Manual New Technique: Face-Slap Mirage Palm (Visual Illusion Only – Max Humiliation)
Gasps turned into chaos.
One disciple clutched his jade tablet and muttered, "He's going to die... he's so dead... I've never seen Elder Xuan Lei clench before."
Elder Xuan Lei descended, eyes glowing with spiritual fury.
"You DARE insult a sect elder?! You have no spirit root, no talent, no family—"
"No filter," Wu interrupted. "You forgot that part."
[Passive Trait Activated – Verbal Kung Fu: Tier 0] Enemies are 30% more likely to stumble over retorts.
The Elder raised a hand, but a silvery talisman at his hip flared.
Another elder's voice crackled through the air. "Xuan Lei. Do NOT kill another disciple without formal ceremony. Not again."
Wu Feng squinted.
The system pinged again.
Hidden Objective Completed: "Rile a Rule-Stickler into Breaking His Own Code"+30 PP
Bonus Style Unlock: Misunderstood Master Aura – Lv. 1(Your trolling is occasionally mistaken for deep Daoist wisdom.)
Suddenly, several junior disciples began whispering.
"Wait… was that a poetic retort about the illusion of hierarchy?"
"Maybe he's testing Elder Lei's temper as a spiritual mirror technique!"
"Could this be… reverse humility?"
Wu smirked.
"Yes, children. This is called the Ego Shatter Sutra. Page one: call your master a discount cosplay."
The orphan disciples around him stared, half in awe, half in fear.
Then someone new arrived.
A figure descended from the inner sect. Elegant robes. Cold eyes.
Li Qingyu.
Top inner disciple. Icy demeanor. Cultivates Silent Snow Flow, rumored to be immune to emotion.
She glanced at Wu Feng, then at the chaos.
"What… is going on here?"
Wu bowed, this time with theatrical flourish. "Ah, a jade lotus enters the pigsty. Welcome."
She raised a brow.
"You are?"
"Wu Feng. Trash. Pest. Founder of the Un-enlightenment Path. And soon…" He gave her a wink. "…Your favorite headache."
System Notification: Flirtation Attempt Registered.
Reaction: 0% effective. She is immune.
Bonus Unlock: "Chaos Flirtation" Pathway Discovered. Progress: 1/100.
She turned to Elder Xuan Lei. "Should I freeze his dantian now?"
"NO!" Elder Lei barked. "He will be dealt with properly. We will send him to the Rogue Trial Grounds at dawn."
Gasps again. Someone dropped their soup.
"The place where core disciples go to duel rogue invaders? But he's a rootless orphan!"
Wu nodded solemnly. "Ah, perfect. A trial by narrative tropes."
As night fell, Wu Feng sat under the crumbling statue of the sect founder, flipping through his newly unlocked Disrespect Manual.
"Chapter 1: The Sacred Art of Roasting in Formal Tone"
He grinned.
Tomorrow, they'd throw him to the wolves.
But the wolves would leave embarrassed.