"Is it so bad to yearn for something I know I'll never have?"
—This is the one thing I ask myself every time I'm left alone with my thoughts. It hurts me everytime. The life I wish I had for myself is something other people so easily acquired, and the love I hope for is something someone already has. Is it my fault that I haven't encountered the love of my life? Or is fate the one that's cruel to me?
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"Fei!" A familiar voice calls out from behind me. "I didn't expect to see you here." She adds.
"Me neither…" I reply, offering the seat next to me.
"You see…" She pulls out her left hand, and cheerfully shows her engagement ring. "...I'm engaged!"
Ah. My heart crumbles not out of jealousy but out of envy. "I'm the last one in my friend group to still be single…" is what I thought to myself when I saw her engagement ring. I freeze in place for a second, a blank expression enveloping my face before putting on a forced smile. "Good for you, Xinyi."
"Thank you! I'm thinking about having you as one of my bridesmaids. Would you like that?"
"Mhm. Sure. I would've been mad if I wasn't."
Xinyi laughs at my half-serious remark. She then proceeds to call over a waitress to order a salad. I see her trying to study my expression, as if looking for something.
"Fei."
"Yes?"
"Have you found anyone to love yet?"
I flinched at the question, but I decided to answer truthfully.
"I don't think I ever will." I answer while avoiding her gaze. I really don't know what to say. Right now, I should be nothing but happy because she delivered good news. Why am I even acting so gloomy?
Xinyi slowly brings her arm up, and starts patting the top of my head.
"You've been like this since we were children. It's a part of you at this point." She unhurriedly lowers her hands, trying to comfort me with a smile.
"You're a good girl, Fei. Don't give up, alright?"
"...I don't even know what love feels like."
"It just comes naturally. The feeling's different for everyone." Xinyi's salad arrives, and she starts to eat. Meanwhile, I just drink my coffee.
"Worrying too much will make you go bald, so just enjoy my company for now alright?"
"I always do. Congrats again with your engagement, Xinyi. I'm extremely happy for you."
"Hehe~ I know you are!"
An hour passes by with just us talking about trivial stuff. Like our current hobbies, and the series we're currently obsessed with. It's the typical things you usually talk about when catching up with someone.
"I'll see you at my wedding, Fei!" Xinyi waves goodbye.
"See you." I reply as she leaves. I stand outside, just looking at her figure as she disappears into the distance.
After I no longer saw her on the busy street, I walk towards my motorcycle— putting on my helmet before driving back home. When I arrived, I immediately jumped onto my bed, scrolling aimlessly on social media. Once again, I feel that same dreadful emotion that creeps up to my heart. It's crushing me from the inside out. I curl into a ball after turning off my phone, wrapping my arms around my knees.
"Why can't I feel love like other people do…?" I whisper to myself, tears gradually falling down my cheeks.
"Am I not normal? Is it weird that I've never felt that heart-fluttering feeling around somebody? Why is it that I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way…? I just… I just want to love too."
I fall asleep with tear-stained eyes, with my hands clutching onto my blanket for comfort. The next day, my thoughts seem to keep lingering back to the ring on Xinyi's finger. I'm by no means sad that she's about to get married, I just feel... Defeated.
After work, I usually have a routine where I'll buy food before going home to eat and then sleeping. But right now, I wanted to deviate from the usual to take my mind off of everything in general. So I walk around aimlessly until dawn— finally settling down on a bench at the nearby park. I look at the clouds slowly turning into a shade of dark blue, reflecting the colour of the setting sky.
"What a tiresome day..."
"Isn't it?"
"Huh?" I exclaim in surprise, turning my head to see that a stranger has sat next to me.
Her short black hair swayed alongside the wind, and I'm just sitting there puzzled.
"Oh sorry, were you not talking to me?" The stranger asks, pointing to herself. "...How embarrassing!" She says while laughing out loud. As she quickly tries to compose herself while chuckling stiffly, I become strongly reminded of Xinyi during our childhood years. It's nostalgic, to say the least.
"No, it's fine." I shrug. "I'm Fei." I add, extending a hand towards her.
"I'm Yunah." She takes my hand, accepting the formal gesture.
"So, a tiresome day huh?" Yunah says after the brief awkward silence, staring into the sky.
"You too, I'm guessing?"
"Yup. I come here whenever I want to unwind. What about you?"
"First time I've sat here actually."
I follow her gaze to look at the clouds as well. The wind pushes the clouds along the horizon— providing a calming view. It's a nice sight, even more-so when sharing it with somebody. Seeing this with such a random person is comforting somehow, as it takes away my negative thoughts.
"Want to exchange numbers?" Yunah asks as she takes out her phone from her pocket.
"...Sure." We exchange contacts, and another awkward silence hits us like a truck. I don't really know what to talk about when it comes to people I barely know.
"I guess we're friends now right?" She says with a warm smile.
"...I guess so?" I reply reluctantly.
"Great! I barely have any friends myself."
"That's surprising..."
"Isn't it?! It's a bit silly."
Instead of looking at the night sky, I slowly turn my head to look towards her. She notices my movement, and she follows suit.
"Do you typically talk to strangers like this?" I ask curiously, slightly concerned. Yunah shrugs, a roar of laughter coming out of her mouth. I flinch, unable to react due to surprise.
"Did I really say something that funny?"
"No, it's just... Your expression's amusing." She wipes away a tear that had come out of her eye due to laughing too hard. "I don't talk to strangers so randomly. Besides, you talked first!" Yunah defends herself with mock-annoyance.
"Right..." I say with a blank expression. "Technically, I did huh." I murmur under my breath.
She looks at her watch and proceeds to stand up, waving goodbye. "I'll have to go now. Thanks for entertaining me, Fei!"
I wave back, looking at her with a neutral expression as she leaves. "Bye..."
After she had left, I sit still for a few minutes before walking home. I collapse onto my bed like the usual— but somehow tonight... There's less worries hanging on my mind.