Scene One: Liu Bei Gets Promoted—Even the Corrupt Officials Think He's Too Poor
After earning some merit quelling the Yellow Turban Rebellion, Liu Bei and his brothers finally got recognized by the imperial court. Out of gratitude (and maybe just to get rid of them), the court appointed Liu Bei as the County Constable of Anxi.
Sounds impressive? Don't get excited.
•Salary? 5 dou of rice per month. In modern terms? About 800 yuan. Not even enough to pay for one of Zhang Fei's drinking nights.
•Power? About the same as a small-town sheriff. He settles neighbor disputes, chases chickens, and helps old ladies find their dentures.
•Status? Even the dogs outside the county office can't be bothered to bark at him.
Still, Liu Bei was thrilled. From a sandal-seller to a man with a government job—it was a win in his book.
He worked hard. Personally swept the streets, helped widows chop firewood, and even delivered baby chicks. The locals were moved to tears.
"A clean official who doesn't take bribes?! Am I dreaming?"
But good times don't last. One day, a red-sealed imperial edict arrived:
"Notice on Downsizing Temporary Officials Who Got Lucky During Wartime"
(Translation: If you got this job through battlefield luck—start packing.)
Liu Bei's heart sank. "I just sat on this iron rice bowl and it's already getting cold?"
Days later, a luxurious carriage rolled into town. Out stepped a bloated inspector from the capital—basically the imperial audit squad.
The inspector strutted into the county office, nose pointed skyward. He barely looked at Liu Bei and muttered,
"Little Liu… Whether you keep this job or not depends on… how well you understand things, got it?"
Liu Bei played dumb. "Of course, my lord! I shall serve the people with all my heart!"
The inspector scowled. "I meant… give me some tea money, idiot."
Liu Bei kept smiling. "Your wisdom inspires me to better governance!"
The inspector almost burst a vein. Furious, he turned to the county clerks:
"This man abuses the people! I'm reporting him!"
The clerks looked at each other.
"Abuse? Yesterday he helped deliver a chicken."
⸻
Scene Two: Zhang Fei's Rage—Willow Whip Special
When Zhang Fei heard his big bro was being bullied, he crushed a wine jug with one hand.
"That fat bastard wants to die?!"
Guan Yu calmly held him back. "Third brother. Calm down."
"I am calm!" (Smashes another wine jug.)
The tavern owner peeked out. "Uh… General Zhang, that's your seventh jug this week…"
Zhang Fei slammed a fake silver ingot on the table. "I'll pay!"
"But that silver is fake…"
"Then go beat up the guy who sold it to me!"
He stormed out, jumped on his horse, and rode straight to the Anxi County Guesthouse, where the inspector was staying.
The guards tried to stop him.
"Sir Zhang, the inspector is resting—"
"I'm just here to give him a warm greeting."
"Why're you carrying a willow branch…?"
"It's a new massage tool. Great for stress relief."
Moments later, he dragged the inspector by the hair out into the street like a wet mop, tied him to the town's hitching post.
"Mercy! Brave warrior, I have an 80-year-old mother and a three-year-old child!"
"Perfect," Zhang Fei sneered. "I specialize in beating up the kind with kids and elderly at home."
He snapped a willow branch, twirled it with a swish swish, and shouted:
"Time for my signature dish—Willow Whip Stir-Fried Pork! "
SMACK!
"AHHH!"
WHACK!
"HELP!!"
One willow branch after another snapped. The inspector's screams echoed across town.
Locals gathered around cheering:
"General Zhang, punish him harder! Hit the other side!"
"I got chili oil if you wanna spice it up!"
Liu Bei rushed over and saw the inspector swollen like a steamed bun.
"Third Brother! Stop! You'll kill him!"
Guan Yu calmly added, "Brother, we might as well finish him. A corrupt official like him is a plague."
Liu Bei thought for a second, then unpinned his badge and tossed it on the inspector's neck.
"Screw this job. I'm out."
The three brothers left dramatically, fading into the crowd like legends.
The inspector, lying face-down in the dirt, trembling, took out his phone and posted on WeChat:
"Rural inspection today. Brutally attacked by local savages. Please send emotional support."
Attached: a pig-faced selfie.
⸻
Scene Three: He Jin's Grandmaster-Level Suicide Play
Meanwhile, in the capital city of Luoyang—
The emperor kicked the bucket. The new little emperor took the throne, with his uncle He Jin, the Grand Marshal, acting as regent.
But real power? It was held by the court eunuchs, the so-called "Ten Attendants."
He Jin wanted them gone. He called a council of war.
Yuan Shao (hot-blooded version):
"Bro! Let's summon the frontier armies! Scare the eunuchs to death!"
Cao Cao (rolling his eyes):
"It's just a few eunuchs. Why send an army? Send the neighborhood watch."
Chen Lin (literary guy):
"Inviting outside forces will bring disaster! Listen to this 3,000-word poem I wrote about it!"
He Jin (digging his ear):
"Blah blah blah. My sister's the Empress Dowager. What could go wrong?"
So he messaged Dong Zhuo, the brutal warlord from Xiliang:
"Hey bro, come to the capital. BBQ on me."
Dong Zhuo replied instantly:
"On my way. Bringing 100,000 troops. Don't forget the chili powder."
Cao Cao facepalmed.
"Great. He just invited a tiger into the house to kill a mouse."
⸻
Scene Four: Eunuch Counterattack—IQ Hits Rock Bottom
The eunuchs caught wind of the plot. Their boss, Zhang Rang, had an idea:
"Let's forge a message from the Empress Dowager. Summon He Jin to the palace."
He Jin got the message and strutted toward the palace.
Cao Cao stopped him.
"Dude, this smells like a trap."
He Jin:
"I'm bringing a sword. I'll be fine."
Cao Cao:
"..." (He's dead already.)
Sure enough, the moment He Jin walked in—he got Swiss-cheesed by a bunch of eunuchs.
Yuan Shao and Wu Kuang stormed the palace in revenge. Swords flying, heads rolling.
One poor young official with no beard got killed by mistake. His last words:
"I'm a civil official! I'm just balding!"
Zhang Rang fled with the young emperor. When surrounded, he said tearfully:
"Your Majesty, this old slave will go ahead first!"
Then did a perfect Olympic swan dive into the river. Splash rating: 9.5/10.
⸻
Scene Five: Dong Zhuo Arrives—Disaster Mode Unlocked
Just then, Dong Zhuo and his army strolled into the burning capital.
"What chaos! My time has come!"
He deposed the young emperor and installed Liu Xie (Emperor Xian). Naturally, he made himself Prime Minister.
He threw wild parties, looted the city, and turned the palace into a circus.
Lu Bu, still adopted son of Ding Yuan, couldn't take it anymore.
"Father, this Dong Zhuo guy's a menace!"
Ding Yuan:
"Son, we must—" (stab)
Lu Bu:
"Sorry. He offered a better salary."
And thus began the Total Villain Era™ of the Eastern Han. And the real show was only just getting started…