Scene One: Lord Wang's Midnight Meltdown
Rain poured over Chang'an like the heavens were mourning someone's bad life decisions.
Inside the grand estate of Minister Wang Yun, things weren't any better.
A dim candle flickered in his study, casting shadows on a wall-hung silk banner reading "Loyal Servant of Han"—a gift from Emperor Liu Xie at last year's Employee Appreciation Gala.
"Sigh…"
"Sigh…"
"SIGH…"
His old steward, Wang the Elder, counted the sighs on his abacus. "That's the 108th sigh tonight, my lord. One more and the roof's gonna cave in. The carpenter said the beams are already struggling."
Creeeak.
The door opened. Wang Yun stood there, bleary-eyed with panda-grade dark circles under his eyes.
"You wouldn't understand, Old Wang. My heart is heavier than Lord Li's bald head next door!"
The steward handed him a cup of chrysanthemum goji tea, thoughtfully topped with two red dates.
"Still worrying about that Dong Zhuo problem?"
Wang Yun slammed his hand on the desk—only to hit a bamboo scroll and wince in pain.
"You bet I am! That fat tyrant hung three corpses outside the palace yesterday and called them 'new-style lanterns'! This morning, he posted selfies with them on his 'Weibo Moments'—captioned 'Today's Joy' with 10,000 likes!"
Old Wang gasped. "That's… disgusting!"
"It gets worse! He tagged me in the comments! Asked, 'What does the Honorable Minister Wang think of these lanterns?' What was I supposed to do?! I had to reply with, 'Amazing innovation, Grand Tutor!' and three thumbs up emojis!"
Just then, a sweet scent drifted into the room.
Enter Diao Chan.
Dressed in a pale moon-white hanfu with the words "True Fairy Queen" embroidered on the hem, her every step jingled thanks to the luxury-brand scent pouches tied around her waist.
"Father," she said with a smile that could melt glaciers, "your late-night herbal soup."
"I added ginseng, angelica… and a little collagen powder."
Wang Yun stared at his adopted daughter, blinking.
"Wait a second… Chan'er, don't you have, like, a million TikTok followers? And half a mil on Weibo?"
Diao Chan rolled her eyes. "Ugh, yeah. Just a bunch of thirsty dudes posting 'Mommy marry me~' every five minutes. Super annoying. Though… there's this one user, 'LittleWolfFengxian'—he's been spamming rockets in my livestreams."
Wang Yun's eyebrows shot up. "Red horse? Big halberd? Ripped abs?"
"That's him! He invited me to stargaze at Phoenix Pavilion!"
Wang Yun's eyes glowed like he just discovered fire. He dropped to his knees so suddenly, he knocked over the soup. Ginseng slices scattered like dramatic confetti.
"Father?!"
"Chan'er! Only your beauty can save the Han Dynasty now!"
She stared at the broken bowl. "I boiled that soup for three hours… with bird's nest…"
Scene Two: Operation 'Ultimate Honey Trap'
Later that night, in the garden behind his estate, Wang Yun pulled Diao Chan into what he called his "Secret Scheming Corner."
Equipped with soundproof walls, anti-peeping curtains, and even a mini-fridge stocked with plum wine, this was where all evil genius moments were born.
"Look at this." He unrolled a sheepskin scroll showing two adorable chibi caricatures:
A bloated, greasy man labeled "Pervert Grandpa: 58 y/o. Likes: BBQ, Massacres" A dashing warrior labeled "Himbo Puppy: 28 y/o. Likes: Flexing, Daddy Issues"
"You want me… to seduce both of them?" Diao Chan raised a brow. "Isn't that, like, super player behavior?"
"It's not called being a player—it's called patriotism!" Wang Yun declared.
He pulled out a detailed action plan:
Phase 1: Seduce Dong Zhuo
Send flirty voice notes (✓) Dance for him at Phoenix Pavilion (Pending) Pretend to be harassed (Pending)
Phase 2: Seduce Lu Bu
Casual meet-cute (✓) Play the tragic victim card (Pending) Trigger his protector mode (Pending)
Phase 3: Let the Chaos Begin
Let Dong catch them flirting (Pending) Let Lu Bu walk in on Dong's harassment (Pending) Sit back and watch them destroy each other (Pending)
Diao Chan started counting on her fingers. "Dong Zhuo's 58, Lu Bu's 28… That's a bigger age gap than any of my exes."
"Do this for the Han, and I'll buy you a Huawei Mate 60," Wang Yun added. "And AirPods Pro."
She blinked. "Add a Gucci bag, and you've got a deal."
"DEAL."
Scene Three: Phoenix Pavilion Showdown
Next day.
Step one: Seduction mode activated.
Diao Chan sent a voice message: "Grand Tutor~ I learned a new dance just for you~ Wanna see it tonight~?"
Dong Zhuo was gnawing on roasted ribs when he heard the message. He choked. He wheezed. Then he messaged back: "YES YES YES!!! Phoenix Pavilion, tonight! I'll clear my calendar!"
He turned to Lu Bu, who was standing like a very confused, very armored statue.
"My son, patrol the west district tonight."
"Father… the city's been quiet lately."
"Go. It's… top-secret patrol. National security. Go now!"
That night.
Phoenix Pavilion was decked out like a royal wedding.
Dong Zhuo had on a knockoff dragon robe (bought online from a shop called "Emperor's Choice"), and he'd bathed himself in half a bottle of cologne. The guards nearby were sneezing in sync.
"Where's my little fairy…"
Just then, she arrived.
Dressed in red, gold embroidery glittering with "Beauty of Chaos," Diao Chan floated in like a dream.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, Grand Tutor~" she said, tilting her neck to show off her flawless skin.
Dong Zhuo nearly passed out from sheer excitement. "N-not at all! Please, sit!"
She began dancing—the latest viral hit on TikTok, "The Enchanted Feather Dress Dance."
Every flick of her sleeve made his eyeballs spin. Every twirl of her waist made his drool hit the floor.
"So… how was my performance~?"
Dong Zhuo lunged forward. "Amazing! Let me check your—uh—posture…"
Just as his greasy fingers reached out—
BOOM.
The doors flew open.
"FATHER! Patrol completed—WHOA!!"
Lu Bu stood frozen.
Four eyes met. Five seconds passed. The air went dead.
Diao Chan's skirt was still mid-spin. Dong Zhuo's hand was in mid-air. Lu Bu's halberd clattered to the floor.
"General, save me!" Diao Chan collapsed dramatically, hugging Lu Bu's leg. "Grand Tutor tried to take advantage of me! I was just here to dance!"
Tears sparkled in her eyes.
Dong Zhuo turned beet red. "You ungrateful brat! That's MY woman!"
Lu Bu grabbed his weapon. "She's my online girlfriend! We say goodnight to each other every day!"
"She messaged me first!"
"Because you're an official, old man!"
What followed was a full-on father-son brawl:
Dong Zhuo smashed three vases with his jade scepter. Lu Bu skewered four screens with his halberd. Diao Chan sat nearby, fake-crying while secretly filming. Caption: "So scared right now~" with puppy eyes emoji.
Strategist Li Ru rushed in to stop the chaos.
"My lord! General! Please calm d—OOF!"
He was knocked unconscious by Dong Zhuo's flying butt. His favorite scroll, Records of the Grand Historian, flopped open on the ground… on the page titled "Feast at Hongmen."
Scene Four: Internet Meltdown
Next morning, Chang'an exploded.
Weibo Trending:
#DongZhuoVsLuBuOverWoman #DiaoChanTeaMaster #PhoenixPavilionShowdown
TikTok Hot Topics:
"Diao Chan's Seductive Dance Tutorial" "How to Juggle a Father-Son Duo" "Sea King: Advanced Class"
Zhihu Discussions:
"Is it wrong to seduce both father and son?" "Is Wang Yun the ultimate mastermind?" "Ethics of multi-generational love triangles"
Back at home, Wang Yun was counting silver.
"Plan successful! Chaos within the enemy ranks! Mwahahaha!"
Diao Chan painted her nails. "So… where's my Huawei?"
"Coming right up! iPad too!"
Meanwhile, Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu weren't talking.
Dong Zhuo's Weibo Post: "Raising sons? LOL." (Picture: A knife)
Lu Bu's Comment: "Respect your elders? LMAO." (Emoji: puking face)
Diao Chan liked both posts and commented:
"It's all my fault~" (emoji: sad kitten eyes)