Scene One: Dong Zhuo's "Relocation Extravaganza"
Morning in Luoyang.
Sunlight slipped through golden-thread curtains, specially ordered by Dong Zhuo himself. The tyrannical CEO of the Xiliang Group lay sprawled across his king-sized dragon bed, snoring loud enough to shake the tiles. A shiny streak of lamb fat still clung to the corner of his mouth from last night's feast.
"Prime Minister! Bad news!"
Li Ru burst into the bedroom with a dramatic knee-slide, nearly smashing the palace doors off their hinges. His official cap was askew, his glasses fogged over, and the tablet in his hand was playing the latest war updates in real time.
"Why all the yelling…" Dong Zhuo grumbled, turning over as the massive bed groaned under the strain. "Can't you see I'm having my beauty sleep?"
"Tiger Gate is down! The Allied Forces have broken through!" Li Ru was stomping his feet in panic. "Yuan Shao's livestreaming the battle and already has over 100,000 likes! Cao Cao's started a #DownWithDongZhuo hashtag—it's trending!"
Dong Zhuo shot up like a carp leaping out of the water—only to hear a loud crack as the bed collapsed beneath him.
"What? I just moved into this newly renovated Prime Minister's mansion! That gold toilet alone cost thirty thousand silver taels!"
Li Ru pulled up a strategic dashboard on his tablet. "Boss, our AI-driven forecast says relocating to Chang'an is the optimal move. Real estate's a third of Luoyang's, the school districts are still affordable, and—"
"Wait a second!" Dong Zhuo's beady eyes lit up. "We'll move, fine. But the relocation cost? Let the people of Luoyang crowdfund it!"
That very afternoon, he launched the "Xiliang Moving Co., Ltd." with a grand press conference.
The boardroom was packed with Xiliang executives.
Lu Bu, polishing his nails with his halberd: "Foster father, I've got a shampoo commercial shoot next week. Can I take a leave?"
Li Jue and Guo Si whispered in the corner: "I heard there's a new BBQ spot trending in Chang'an…"
Dong Zhuo banged the table. "Silence! Time to announce some major resolutions!"
New Company Policies:
A "Special Demolition Unit" is formed, with Lu Bu as commander—tasked with gently persuading citizens to relocate. Launch a "Luoyang Clearance Sale"—everything in the royal palace is 50% off. Enforce the "No Man, No Land" policy—take the bricks if you must. Create a "Dong Prime Moving Fund"—mandatory public donations required.
As the meeting adjourned, Dong Zhuo reminded everyone, "Remember, this is protective demolition. Be polite. Be gentle!"
Scene Two: The Great Luoyang Demolition Day
Before dawn, Luoyang turned into a massive demolition site.
Xiliang's moving squad went door-to-door offering "relocation services," each wearing matching "Xiliang Movers" uniforms and smiling very sincerely.
"Open up! Community outreach service!"
"Need your jewelry appraised? We do it for free!"
"We're your friendly neighborhood volunteers helping you move!"
An old lady trembled as she opened the door. "Sirs, my daughter-in-law's giving birth. Could you please—"
The squad leader beamed. "Don't worry, granny! We're a people-first moving company!" He shouted over his shoulder, "Bring the stretcher—handle with care!"
Seconds later, two soldiers carried out the bed—with the screaming mother still on it. The newborn nearly became a literal flying baby.
Inside the palace, demolition reached fever pitch. Dong Zhuo himself supervised, megaphone in hand.
"That golden Han Wu Emperor statue—wrap it in foam and load it up!"
"Don't forget the bronze horse—it'll keep Red Hare company!"
"The dragon throne? Pack it nicely. Antique status, folks!"
The wildest part? The imperial tombs. Dong Zhuo led the team to Emperor Ling's resting place.
"Dear departed emperor, you're not using these treasures anyway. Let's repurpose them for nation-building!" He rubbed his hands gleefully. "Lu Bu, go fetch that jade burial suit—intact!"
Lu Bu hesitated. "Foster father… isn't this kinda…wrong?"
Dong Zhuo glared. "What's wrong? The dead don't have social media! We're doing a cultural excavation!"
Just then, a sobbing eunuch ran up. "Prime Minister! You even tore down the ancestral temple?!"
Dong Zhuo waved dismissively. "So what? The memorial tablets won't sue us. Also—grab that gold-inlaid beam while you're at it!"
Scene Three: The Great Luoyang Barbecue
Once all the valuables were packed up, Dong Zhuo announced a grand "Farewell Party."
"Light it up!"
Thousands of Xiliang cavalry turned into flaming delivery riders, except this time they weren't delivering takeout—they were delivering fire.
Outside Weiyang Palace, a soldier held up a flaming torch: "Your 'Roasted Royal Estate' delivery is here! Please rate five stars!"
Another called out: "Your 'Smoked Southern Palace' order's ready! Watch your hands—it's hot!"
The guy torching the imperial library was dead serious: "They said knowledge is power? Nah—today, knowledge is ashes. Burning 100,000 volumes, no shortcuts!"
A rookie soldier asked, "Why even burn the library, sir? Isn't that a waste?"
Dong Zhuo smiled slyly. "Kid, this is called pay-to-read. Besides, if we burn all the records—guess who gets to rewrite history?"
Outside the gates, displaced citizens formed a never-ending "human centipede."
"Mom! I lost my shoe!"
"Don't stop—get trampled and you become a shoe!"
"Anyone lose a kid? Last call for pickup!"
"Could the front please hurry? I really need to pee!"
One poor grandpa hobbled along with his cane until a grinning Xiliang soldier showed up.
"Sir, walking this slow must be tough. Let me help!"
He chucked the old man into a roadside ditch.
Dong Zhuo, watching from his deluxe carriage, nodded in satisfaction. "Efficient. Give the boys chicken legs tonight!"
Scene Four: Sun Jian's Treasure Hunt
When Sun Jian's troops were first to enter Luoyang, they were stunned by the apocalyptic scene.
Cheng Pu rubbed his eyes. "My lord, did we take a wrong turn? Is this a movie set for a zombie flick?"
Huang Gai pointed at the still-smoking ruins. "Gotta hand it to Dong Zhuo—his BBQ's got that perfect char."
Han Dang spotted something glowing from a well. "What's that? A buried grill?"
They fished out a drowned palace maid instead.
Sun Jian frowned. "The delivery girl's cold…"
Then, a brocade pouch dropped from her sleeve. Sun Jian opened it—and nearly screamed.
"Holy crap! Isn't this… that thing… the thing?"
Cheng Pu peeked. "Isn't that the 9.99 million taels 'Replica Imperial Seal' they sell on fake eBay?!"
Carved on it were the words: "Mandated by Heaven, Long Shall We Reign (free shipping)"
Sun Jian quickly shoved it into his waistband. "Ahem! Tonight's events are classified. Everyone gets three months' salary—hush money!"
What he didn't know? Yuan Shao's paparazzi had already taken high-res shots of everything. The zoom-in of the seal even caught the scratch marks.
Scene Five: Brotherhood on Thin Ice
The next day's war council had serious "awkward family dinner" vibes.
Yuan Shao leaned in. "So… Wéntái. Hear you found something precious?"
Sun Jian played dumb. "Me? Nah, couldn't even get takeout here…"
Yuan Shu snorted. "Someone said you fished out a—"
Schwing! Sun Jian drew his sword. "If I'm hiding the Imperial Seal, may I never get delivery again!"
(For a modern man, that's the ultimate curse.)
Yuan Shao narrowed his eyes. "Fine. But… I hear logistics in Jingzhou are tightening. Travel safe."
Suddenly, a bloodied Cao Cao barged in. "Everyone! Dong Zhuo's only reached Mianchi! We can still catch him!"
Yuan Shu rolled his eyes. "You go. I still have Meituan coupons to burn."
Liu Dai abruptly drew his sword. "Qiao Mao! You stole my Ele.me promo code!"
One slash later, Qiao Mao's head rolled to Cao Cao's feet.
Cao Cao: "…What, delivery comes with heads now?"
Outside the tent, Liu Bei and his brothers were having their own mini-huddle.
Guan Yu: "Brother, should we…"
Zhang Fei: "These idiots aren't worth it. Let's just go back to Zhuojun and drive Didi!"
Liu Bei sighed. "Yunchang, update your resume…"
Elsewhere, Sun Jian was packing his bags.
Cheng Pu: "My lord, we're…?"
Sun Jian patted his waistband. "Heading back to Changsha. I'm starting a livestream: 'Antiques or Not?'"
Unbeknownst to him, Yuan Shao's spy had already sent a message to Jingzhou:
"Be on the lookout for one Changsha man carrying a suspicious high-end replica."
Back in Chang'an, Dong Zhuo was enjoying hotpot in his newly remodeled mansion, humming: "What a wonderful day~"
Lu Bu popped his head in. "Foster father, has my Red Hare horse delivery arrived yet?"
Dong Zhuo: "..."