Funny how quickly everything ends, everything you were - gone in a moment, everything you never was . . .
Well . . . I suppose this was always going to happen eventually, I'm a killer . . . I shouldn't have expected anything else . . . I didn't deserve better.
I tried to grab onto the wooden desk next to me, it didn't help, I still fell all the same. The only difference that made, was now I had company in my descent, a vase of roses, probably gifted to the man I'd just killed by a loved one.
I deserve this . . .
I hit the floor with a heavy thud, I couldn't protect myself anymore . . . It probably would've took my breath away, if the bullet tearing through my vital organs seconds earlier hadn't already stolen my voice.
"I hope you know this was nothing personal Zero"
A familiar voice, a loved voice . . . The voice of the girl who had just killed me. My breathing was laboured, the feeling of my hot breath heating up the inside of my mask was unbearable . . . So much so that I actually felt gratitude when she took it off . . . Even if it was just to look me in the eyes as I died.
"Not in a talkative mood I see" I couldn't see her face, she wore the very same mask as I - the same mask we all wore . . . We were assassins, having our identity revealed was a death warrant for those of us still living, and a humiliation to those who are dead.
Or dying . . .
"Do you want me to make you feel better?" I managed to croak out some mangled words, it wasn't easy with the blood pooling in my throat.
For some reason I didn't want to die in silence . . .
"If I needed your forgiveness, I wouldn't have pulled the trigger" She replied, I already knew that of course - I was her partner after all . . . Her mentor. "Your blood is getting on my boots . . . Does it hurt?"
Of course it bloody hurts! . . .
I didn't say that of course, not aloud . . . Believe it or not I do have some dignity to maintain. She looked down upon me, with that emotionless mask and I felt what it was like . . . What it was like to be on the other side of me, it sucked.
"Do you want me to end it?" She whispered coldly.
What a wonderful suggestion, absolutely delightful ... Is that really how I came across?
"Don't bother" Is what I meant to say, but how it came out of my mangled body, I wasn't sure.
"You got too good Zero, .***teen years of age . . . We aren't liable to get much further than that. You should have ran" I knew why I didn't run, of course I did. I liked to pretend I didn't, even to myself but I was dying now.
No more reasons to lie . . .
"Any gaps would've been closed as soon as they were exposed" A terrible set of last words. I felt wet, I wasn't sure how much of that was due to the water in the vase . . . I was glad not to know.
I was fading . . .
One . . . That wasn't her name, but it was the closest thing she had. She plucked one of the roses off the floor and placed it on my chest "I once read that a man received his first flowers at his funeral, you can have this a little early"
Snarky witch . . .
"What does it matter that an exit is closed once you're on the other side of it?" She asked that of me, but I couldn't respond, not anymore . . .Very soon I wouldn't even be able to think. I wanted to tell her something, something very important, but the words faltered on my lips.
Shame . . .
"What was that?" For the first time I felt emotion in her voice, seems I didn't train her well enough after all, but in my death that made me happy. The thought of it gave me some soon to be lost clarity and power, but it was enough, one last word . . . I better make it a good one.
" . . . Live"
I felt what I thought was a tear hit my face, I was blind at this point so I couldn't tell if she had removed her mask . . . Everything was shutting down, but I could still hear.
"What a silly thing to die for" Her voice was shaky.
That was the last thing I ever heard.
Or it should have been. . .
I was falling . . . Made sense, I had long thought I wasn't going the other way . . . Call it a hunch.
For how long?
It could've been seconds . . . It could've been centuries or perhaps time didn't pass at all.
But I was falling . . . So that was something at least . . . Falling in painful yet blissful silence.
After an amount of time that was mysterious to me - I tried to keep count, but I kept losing track of the numbers- I felt déjà vu.
I've been here before . . .
I'm dead, I'm pretty sure about that, I'm also pretty sure I haven't died before?
Perhaps I forgot?
Rather suddenly I felt a strong force pushing me even further downwards, I felt anxious, it was too soon- I also felt relief that the long journey was finally over.
I also felt confused by my contradicting thoughts- Death does seem rather confusing doesn't it ?
My thoughts were repetitive . . .
I tried to hold on, I tried to fight against that force pushing me forever downwards- I didn't know where I was going but I could guess.
I didn't like it.
…
What was that sound?
That sound ringing in my head?
Getting louder and louder and louder?
…
It was the sound of a woman screaming . . . Not the best advertisement the afterlife has ever seen.
But something about that scream- something about it?
It told me to let go . . . to stop fighting- if I did, everything would be okay.
A likely story . . . But one I was foolish enough to listen to, you want me so badly?
So be it . . .
Suddenly I was blinded by a bright light, as if my eyes had never seen the light of day before- the light shone such that I couldn't make out any shapes or shadows of things that may be there.
White light, that's all I got.
Now I knew something had gone wrong . . . I wasn't supposed to be here.
I heard the silky voice of a woman "Oh she is beautiful my lady" I wondered who she was talking about? I would very much like to see her- seeing anything would be a blessing right now. Being in the dark while experiencing such blinding light- Seemed a wicked twist of fate that only the cruel mistress of life could conjure up, I expected death to be different.
The blinding light started to fade now, and I was finally able to just about make out a shadow of what I assumed to be a woman, dressed in a flowing dress with long hanging bell shaped sleeves making a striking silhouette . . . She was ever so tall.
"Yes, isn't she just" That voice, it restored warmth to my blood and tears to my eyes "She's perfect . . . I knew she was going to be special" When was the last time I cried? I can't even remember, crying was trained out of me before I even had the ability to remember how- But I was not just crying, I was balling- This voice that was so full of love that I never had experienced before . . .
Wait a minute I'm crying . . . do the dead cry?
I still can't see anything . . . But that's because my eyes are closed . . .I couldn't hear much either over the sound of my own wailing.
Wait a minute . . . My eyes are closed . . . I have eyes!
I opened my eyes, and I saw her. I knew straight away that my mother was looking back at me. Her eyes were a deep silver grey, and her hair was diamond blonde- She looked like a goddess in human form but even such a compliment did her no justice.
No doubt about it I was alive. . . Reborn? . . . I was supposed to be dead . . . How did I mess up dying?
"My little Ruža . . . What a difficult road you have ahead of you" Ruža? I guess that was my name? . . . A little girlish for a boy don't you think?
Looking around I seemed to be in some kind of palace, it must've been a naturally warm climate with how open this room seems to be- There was a distinct lack of walls and the loose fitting clothing that many of the woman around me appeared to be wearing was enlightening. If there was a doctor around I couldn't tell them apart from any of the other women . . . Perhaps my mother wasn't deemed worthy of one?
The women appeared to be showing a lot of skin, so it wasn't a prudish culture . . . There was no sign of any modern technology . . .This was not the world I died in, if a place such as this existed they would've taught me about it.
Where am I?
"Don't worry yourself my lady, she is sure to win his heart"
I didn't know who she was talking about, but it seems they were placing quite a lot of pressure on her . . . Well no need to worry about it so much, it's got nothing to do with me.
My mother looked down at me with a smile that made me feel like nothing could ever go wrong in this world that she wouldn't protect me from.
My mother looked down at me. . . . No I can't be . . .
I'm a GIRL!
The lady with the silky voice grabbed hold of my little hand "Just as beautiful as Mummy"
"No she will surpass my beauty" My mother injected.
No no no no no there has been a mistake!
The lady with the silky- I should probably learn her name- voice looked at me and I suddenly felt the weight of expectation crushing down upon my reused soul "You were born to be the Prince's concubine little Ruža"
Oh no . . .