That yellowish hue of the sunset turned into a more orangey hue, covering the entire cemetery. Her grave shone with that same hue, highlighting the bouquet of flowers Daiki had left for her.
There had been no one there for a while; if there had been, they would have stopped us by now, or at least calmed us down.
All those tears, those sadness, those regrets, those weaknesses, vanished the moment he blamed me.
It was easy, since I was the closest person to her. But just because I was doesn't mean anything could have changed. She probably would have continued like this, until, even with my support...
"Suzune would have been with her."
…
"If only you hadn't gone out that day. If only you hadn't gone to the convention…"
"…If I hadn't gone to that shitty place…"
"…?"
"…I was already doing everything I could, the best I could-"
"All I know is how little you cared about her… Have you forgotten about last week? The last time I worried about her… What did you say? That it was only because she'd changed classes, that nothing was going to happen to her, that we could trust her, that she was strong…"
"…"
Both parts of me were trying to find an answer, an excuse, something to divert attention, but Daiki was coming at me with something I couldn't refute.
I could only stay silent, hold it in, until he said something I could use. If I said something right now… Not even I could forgive myself.
"But it turns out she wasn't that strong, she never was. Someone who has so many problems with so many things isn't usually someone strong, which is why the problems pile up… If only you had done something, anything to help her, that would have been enough for her to stay with us!"
I saw an opportunity, and decided to take advantage of it.
"If I hadn't gone with you to the convention... everything would still be the same. Maybe, she could have told me everything if only a little more time had passed. If only I hadn't gone with you..."
With that red glow gone, all I had left was frustration, pain, and hatred, nothing else. All I could think, and it had never hurt so much to do so.
"That's why it's your fault. If you hadn't wanted to go…"
"It's not my fault I wanted to go! I couldn't have known what was going to happen either! You were the only one who could have told her something, the only one who could have helped her! If she had been in better condition with your help, she wouldn't have done something like that in the first place!"
"…Hey…Daiki…You know…"
I could feel something off. It wasn't as obvious as the previous one, but it was something I couldn't let go of for any reason.
He worries so much about her, he complains so much about not having been able to do anything for her in my place, and that being where I am, I haven't been able, or haven't wanted to get closer to her.
How close did he need to be to her to have known all this before? Maybe he never should have gone crying to her room...
"Riku, you can't deny anything I'm saying! That you went to the convention was your decision, and yours alone! Therefore, the fact that something like this happened also falls on that decision! That's why… That's why it's your fault!"
"…If you loved her so much, why did you have the nerve not to go to her funeral?"
Completely interrupting Daiki's tantrum, I lashed out with what I believed to be the worst thing Daiki had ever done: Never bothering to go to the funeral.
When I was there, he wasn't there. He didn't care about her in the least before, which is why he hasn't come to her funeral now. Everything he's saying now is just to make himself look good, nothing more, nothing less.
Daiki decided not to reply, making me even more impatient for an answer. Although me reminding him of something like that didn't sit well with him either.
"You blame me so much… I've done everything I could! I don't even know if I could have gotten any closer to her! You…"
I was running out of ideas, out of insults. It wasn't that I didn't have things to say, it was that I didn't know how to say them without repeating myself.
At that moment when I hesitated, Daiki took the opportunity to counter.
"I should be asking you that very thing!"
"…?!"
"When I arrived, the ceremony was over, but the funeral was still on… I didn't leave before… out of fear… I didn't know if I was ready, or if I really wanted to go, but I ended up going…"
"At the funeral, I tried not to let anyone see me, especially your father. I wouldn't know how to face him, and if I did, I would probably have burst into tears. I couldn't… I couldn't watch her being buried. I just stared at the ground until they covered everything with earth again."
"The only thing I'll never forget about all of that is that I didn't see you anywhere... You, you bastard... Are you telling me that you didn't go to the ceremony, when you didn't even go to your FUCKING SISTER'S funeral?!"
Yes... I didn't go to the funeral... but I couldn't... If I had gone, I would have made a spectacle of myself. If I had gone, I probably would have never gone to class, maybe all term. I couldn't have stood it. It was too much. Knowing that, right there in front of me, under that tombstone...
"…I did have the courage to go to her ceremony. I wasn't the one who was late to everything… I did care about her, that's why I went to her ceremony, but your love for her was so weak that you had to think twice before going!"
"So what did you do next?! Did you get sick and go home, or did you trip on the stairs and have to be carried like a child to the hospital?!"
"Don't lie to us, man! Everything you said before was bullshit! All you care about now is looking good, seeming like a good boy, when the only reason you were interested in her was because she gave you a hard-on!"
"Look who says it, who didn't give a shit what happened to her, because she thought she was super strong and not depressed at all!"
"If you cared that much, you'd also get to know her better, but you know NOTHING about her, not a fucking thing! It's more like a relationship between a leech sucking someone's blood than acquaintances!"
None of this was going anywhere. More than questions and answers, more than trying to understand each other, it was a game of seeing who could come up with the most insults.
Everything went downhill, the insults becoming less on-topic and more like completely personal attacks. The goal was no longer to blame someone, but to leave the other person speechless, thus assuming you were right.
"…"
"See?! You don't even have anything else to defend yourself with! You know you didn't give a shit about her even if she was your sister! I bet you were only interested in her because you liked bothering her over and over again at your house!… I… should have fucking confessed. I don't know why I even bothered trusting you!"
"You didn't even trust yourself. It's normal that you didn't trust me! Someone so insecure about himself, inciting me and forcing me to do things like that on stage...! Aren't you really ashamed, aren't you disgusted?!"
"Well, I should have trusted myself more instead of a shit-eating jerk like you, you fucking psychopath! You don't seem to give a shit that she died! Don't you feel sorry?! Don't you feel sad?! None of us will ever be able to see her again! Don't you want to see her again?! Unlike you, I do! I do care!"
"IF YOU CARE SO MUCH, KILL YOURSELF TOO AND GO SEE-!"
"Will you both stop at once?!"