The air around me seemed to crush me to the spot, unable to move. So I couldn't stop staring ahead, staring into the faces of those people.
The cemetery itself often had a certain oppressive aura, a product of anguish, guilt, and longing, but that feeling was much worse when combined with feelings far worse than those.
The sun began to set, turning the whole place orange—and especially their faces.
The three of us were surprised to find ourselves there, each for a different reason, and with a different feeling after that surprise.
What are they doing here? was my first thought, but that was obvious. More than questioning, I wondered why we were here, of all the times we could have talked.
Not even by text, much less in person. I haven't spoken to any of them since what happened. And it's not because I didn't want to, it's because I couldn't.
Both Kichiro and Daiki were dressed casually, casually, but more dressed up than usual, something I've rarely seen them wear. They would only dress like that for ceremonies or something important. What was beside them was important, and now something equally important was in front of them.
I was wearing my school uniform, which, in itself, didn't look bad, but wearing my fucking school uniform while going to see my sister's grave for the first time seemed too absurd to be true.
I also hadn't been home since I left home. Maybe I haven't left home so soon, but the fact that I haven't been able to go home yet is surprising. I didn't even go out with them that much. Well, with Daiki...
At the convention…
That was the last day I saw him, until now. I went with him, just as we had planned, just as we had hoped. Alone, I couldn't go home the way I wanted.
I still have it, that figurine I was going to give her. It's in her room, on her bookshelf, along with all her things. I don't know what I should do with it. I could give it to them, to Naomi, to Kichiro... to Suzune... to Daiki...
"-"
Daiki stared at me, his expression complicated once the shock had passed. The only emotion I could muster was frustration.
Kichiro was beside her, not behind her. He was still surprised to see me standing there. Unlike Daiki, his face showed only one thing, even if it was only a little: fear.
Me… What was I feeling? I could finally see them again, but I was so worried. It wasn't a good situation to be in, but it wasn't a bad opportunity either. So why wasn't what I was feeling good?
"…" "…" "…"
The three of us were silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. For my part, I started looking at the floor the moment my chest began to hurt, and I could see down from both of their chests.
It was a silence that was beyond uncomfortable, infuriating, something that shouldn't be so painful. A silence that shouldn't be so profound.
The leaves of the few planted trees made no noise. No birds or animals made any background noise. We couldn't hear anyone where we were. It was just us, just us.
Kichiro took a step forward. Even though he was filled with fear, the light in his eyes was a little stronger, enough motivation to speak—
That whole act was interrupted by Daiki taking several strides towards me, coming to be two steps away from me.
That frustration I felt, I thought it was with myself. I was wrong about only two things. It wasn't frustration, but anger—anger directed at myself.
" Riku…"
A tone of voice I'd never heard before. An expression I'd never seen before.
" Don't even think about using your sister for this!" An expression that showed that same anger. And at the same time, that same frustration. Perhaps he wasn't so wrong.
"…Daiki, we've already talked about it not-!"
"Shut up!"
Kichiro tried to calm and restrain Daiki, letting him know that he had expected something like this, but Daiki didn't care. He cut Kichiro off with a somewhat shrill shout, suddenly turning to confront his friend, his fists clenched, his expression still conflicted, yet still hostile, even to him.
"..."
For his part, Kichiro was scared the moment he heard and saw Daiki like that, making it clear with his expression, slightly hidden by his hair, as he took a step back in reaction.
The scream scared me just as much, but I tried to hide the terror I felt. I had to. Because everything was so strange, so surreal.
You've talked about this before... Kichiro was the only one who went to class that day, the only one who tried to avoid me at all costs. Now I had the chance to talk to him. I'm sure it's all just me. There's no way they believe such crap.
"…And you… aren't… just… going to explain everything to me. Now."
Daiki still had many doubts inside him; he didn't even know how to feel, but he took the initiative in the most radical way possible. Not only did he turn around again, this time to look at me, but he also grabbed my arm, tightly.
From the arm in which he carried the bag with the bouquets.
E-explain? What do I have to explain? Isn't it clear? Isn't it obvious? Even the one who framed me in the first place told me it was all nonsense. Fuck, someone like me...
"… Seriously…you too…"
It was a fucking joke. Ridiculous. That wasn't happening.
All that fear I felt a moment ago completely vanished in the face of such nonsense.
It doesn't make sense, this is ridiculous. We're friends, we're friends and... Why... How...
"... How can you believe such bullshit?!"
With a strong, swift movement, as strong as I could, I made Daiki release his hand from my arm. Fortunately, despite his abruptness, no bouquet fell out of the bag.
" …?!"
Daiki was surprised by my reaction, his face a mixture of anger and incomprehension. Instead of speaking on his own, he waited for me to say something, his long-awaited "explanation," looking at me impatiently in the process.
I expected him to yell back at me. I braced myself for it, but instead, I was met with silence, silence, and anticipation. I stopped responding aggressively, but used that same emotion to be able to speak back.
"… I don't understand…" I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth, frustrated that even they didn't trust me. Don't they know me well enough? Is that it? Or has sadness kept them from thinking properly?
"…How can you believe something like that? I don't know if you've seen the video or not, but that's beside the point. Shouldn't it be clear that something's wrong just from hearing the rumor?"
The more I talked, the more confused Daiki seemed. Behind him, Kichiro seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying. As soon as I brought up the subject, he stopped looking at us, glancing to the side, trying to ignore me completely. I left that for later.
"Anyone who's seen me should know… I'm not someone that reserved, much less someone who looks like someone capable of doing something like that… Even though it's only been a quarter, it should be obvious what kind of person I am…"
There have been a lot of new people in class this year, people I haven't shared a class with. This year I've also been lucky to share a class with all my friends, and there are also people in class I've shared a class with in other years, although they aren't many. Shouldn't it be clear what kind of person I am?
"But you guys think that too… It's not normal… Is this a joke?? No??… I'm not going to believe that until you tell me to my face."
I was frustrated, disappointed. It was an assumption, yes. They haven't directly incriminated me; they've never come to my house to blame me for that rumor. But it's crystal clear; it's clear they've bought it too.
He was angry too, but he tried not to show it, especially as he looked at Daiki's face, who was now less confused.
"Come on! Tell me all that nonsense Kichiro told you! Or did someone in class tell you? Maybe you saw the video and decided to ignore me?"
I stopped talking. I wasn't going to talk until Daiki answered me. I had so much to ask, so many things I wanted to know, that having to go through this hurt more than anything.
Kichiro reacted the moment he heard his name, instinctively looking at my face. Of course, I didn't meet his gaze, being too focused on Daiki. It would be to his advantage, as this way he could remain behind Daiki's back, away from all attention.
Daiki understood the situation perfectly. He hadn't completely calmed down yet, but apparently having been quiet for a while, paying attention to me, had calmed him down.
Of course, that was when he was quiet.
"…Are you really that stupid?"
A faint smile, typical of a hypocrite. It's not as if he were one, but his face at that moment deserved absolute contempt. Anger and mockery in the same face, unable to control either, and, first of all, unsure how to react in the first place.
"I'm the one who should be surprised. No… embarrassed… How… can you even think of something like that?"
His mockery was instantly replaced by sadness, albeit very mild. His mood practically returned to its former state. That same emotion I'd felt for him a moment ago was now with him, and I was the cause of it.
"I've seen the video… We've all seen it, because it's everywhere. I found out through my class, not Kichiro or anyone else. The vast majority of the class found out through that."
He put the shouting aside, speaking in a more appropriate manner, his resentment in the back of his throat, as he stared at the ground.
Then he raised his head, looking into my eyes again.
"Most people thought the same thing, that the video was fake. But then people started talking, talking, and commenting. All of that ended up becoming a rumor."
He spoke as if he were recalling how the whole rumor dilemma came about. The video seemed, to say the least, staged.
Something ridiculous, something you'd normally only see in a movie, or in a really bad creepypasta . But not everything has to be cinema, much less fiction. Sometimes, such horrible things happen in real life that a horror movie would pale in comparison.
"We'd never believe it. How could you even think we could? Is it true that you care so little about us all? Like we're some fucking joke?!"
The tension that had previously dissipated due to anger slowly reappeared, gripping my chest as tightly as I could. I tried to hold it in, ignore it, focus, calm down, but the last thing I could do now was calm down. All thanks to that flame that had been lit from the beginning of the conversation.
No… Maybe, long before that…
"Of course not! It's already silly that you're asking me that, let alone thinking it!"
"You just said that we didn't trust you, that we believed that 'bullshit'!"
"And it was exactly what it looked like! Getting so pissed off moments after seeing my face… Do I have something on it or something?!"
We both yelled at each other like monkeys—monkeys that still had a shred of sanity, at least. Even though we were both angry, what we were saying made sense. We had the same problem, just with different words.
Feeling surprised that someone else thinks something they shouldn't. As if they'd think whatever they wanted before they'd even consider who you are.
"…It's not because of that…"
Daiki tried to contain his anger as he answered. Maybe he was tired of hearing me bragging so much, knowing better than anyone that that wasn't the only thing he had to ask me.
I was wrong to think I was the only one with so much to talk about.
"So what are you complaining about?! What's your problem if you don't believe anything anyone says?!"
"Well, I have a lot of things to ask you! You know that, don't you?! … You should be the first to know!"
It took me by surprise, as I was still prepared to tell him and ask him more things. But for him to be the one asking me… It had never occurred to me.
And yet, I had no idea what he wanted to ask me.
Dismissing it as a joke, I snorted, eager for her to finish her interrogation so I could begin mine.
" Come on, tell me whatever you want. What are you going to ask me? Is there anything I don't already know?"
"You're talking like you think I'm an idiot. Isn't it obvious I'm going to have a ton of questions if you haven't left your house in two weeks?!"
Daiki took it harder than he expected, but he still decided to try to calm down. Little by little, at least.
"We've been calling you on the phone, we've been to your house several times, but you never paid attention! Every time we went, you were alone, because your father never opened the door for us, no one did, no one opened it for me either…"
"…"
Daiki was able to let go of his anger, which was directed at me, with a sigh. On his face, his anxiety and fury were replaced by anguish, sorrow, and above all, frustration.
"I understand what happened, I really do! But..."
"…No… You don't understand…"
"… We know what happened to you-"
"You… don't know anything…"
Do you think you know anything about me? As if you've met me in private. If you really knew what I'm feeling right now, if you really knew what I've been through...
"…Even if we don't know, we can get an idea."
No… That's impossible… You never could.
"But…"
Daiki took a moment to think about what to say, how to say what he wanted to tell me. I was holding back. I didn't want to say another word. I wanted to get out of there.
"How could you leave here? You haven't finished what you came here to do."
That plastic bag full of bouquets. They were all beautiful, yes. Inside, it was a sea of gorgeous flowers. But on the outside, it was just a shitty plastic bag, acting like a giant iron ball, mercilessly chained to my leg. I couldn't leave.
But at that point, even I didn't want to leave. From the urge, a faint gleam began to appear in my eyes.
"Still… you shouldn't ignore us like that-"
" SO I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY???!!!"