Five bouquets, that's all he had in that bag. Five offerings, five gifts; five promises, for one person.
As I walked back to the subway, I was as careful as possible, not wanting the flowers to get damaged in the slightest.
I looked around, worried about anything that might happen, both exaggerated and realistic. I couldn't see much, though, as my gaze was practically fixed on the ground. I felt a weight far greater than I could carry, but I kept going.
I talk like this is one of the 12 tasks of Hercules, but at the time it felt like the 13th task.
Even on the subway, I tried to keep the bag from touching anyone, not even myself. None of the flowers were particularly delicate; it was just paranoia.
In no time, I arrived at the place I should have gotten off earlier, but clearly didn't. Now, the place I was supposed to go was at another stop.
I was sitting down, since most people had gotten off the train, near me there was only one adult and a couple of kids talking to each other.
The light from the approaching sunset was all that illuminated the train, both inside and out. It wasn't that hot, so the direct sunlight didn't bother me as much.
Thinking about warmth, it will soon start to get cold…
Ignoring the fact that I had to buy more winter clothes, which I didn't like. One thing I did like was the cold itself.
The heat has always been annoying to me. Yes, I can wear less clothing, and at home I can even go around with my shirt off, but the sweat and how easily you get dirty are horrible. Plus, there are usually more insects around in the summer, and since I don't even like going to the pool or the beach, the only benefits of summer weather I have are ice cream and watermelon.
In winter, the warmth you're looking for isn't so harsh. The cold itself isn't a good thing; what's really good is being able to bundle up so you're neither cold nor hot. I'm also very thin, so I look better in clothes that add bulk.
Although first of all, I don't usually choose clothes that make me look good.
I sighed at all the irrelevant things I had to do. I thought about asking my dad to take me clothes shopping, but maybe I could go with _¨*^?¿· next week.
"…"
The train stopped, and the name of the station began to play over the loudspeakers. This was my stop. I stood up from my seat and got off the train.
The station I got off at was the closest to the cemetery. Even so, I still had to walk a couple of minutes to get there.
As I walked, I swung the bag slightly, like a pendulum. It never touched my torso, nor did I accidentally bump it into a wall. All this anxiety about "protecting" the flowers vanished, perhaps because it was just a silly thing.
The entrance to the cemetery was right in front of me. I stood for a moment in front of it, more to calm myself than to take in the view.
I've accepted it. I've accepted it. It's okay. It's over now. Everything's going to be okay.
"…I can do it." I whispered to myself, as I set foot inside the cemetery.
I came here very rarely as a child, after my grandmother died, because I hated the aura the area had.
Hardship, longing, nostalgia—every time I set foot here, I couldn't stop holding his hand. Now all I can do is clench my hands into fists.
There were very few people inside, a few adults in front of various graves. Other than that, the place was deserted.
I never asked my father where his grave was, but I got the idea that it was next to my grandparents' grave. It was a little far from the entrance, so I had to walk for a minute to get to it.
All the graves I saw as I walked were-
"…"
In the distance, I could see two people. One was average-sized, the other short. They were both standing in front of a grave.
The closer I got to his grave, the closer I got to them. The closer I got to them, the tighter my fists clenched, and the more tension ran through my body.
The tall person had just left a bouquet of flowers in front of the tombstone, near the memorial portrait of the deceased.
I reached the row of graves where she was, and those figures were right in front of me. I hesitated as to whether I should continue at that moment.
"Don't you see how far you've been? You've been pretending to ignore them for so long, but deep down, you're dying to see them."
"Don't back down now that you can do something on your own. You wanted to be independent so badly, didn't you? Well, go see them already."
One step.
Another step.
I walked, I walked halfway,
Trying not to look down out of inertia,
Since everything I wanted was right in front of me,
Not on the ground.
One eye.
Another eye.
Both looked straight ahead,
As both people said goodbye to the grave,
Like those people,
Those figures,
They turned around,
To then see who was in front of him,
Above all,
With amazement.
A look.
Another look.
Two people were staring at me in the face,
With emotions so complex that I couldn't decipher them.
I met Daiki and Kichiro in front of Amaya's grave.