My father went out to the entrance, and was surprised to see no one at the entrance.
" Riku, do you know where Haruka and Otsuki are?"
"…I think they're upstairs."
"Mh. If that's the case, we can go ahead." He had a very confident expression and tone when he said that. Does he know exactly what's going on?
It's not like I don't have an idea, but I prefer to think that none of what I think is happening.
"I can go up and let you know, if that's okay."
"Yes. Tell them we're going to the meeting."
I nodded again. My father went to the front door to change his shoes, and I headed upstairs. I wish I hadn't given my father the idea of warning, but sometimes I say things without thinking.
I would like to be in front of her as little as possible, and I was lazy to climb the stairs, but it was less effort than to complain and reproach.
The second-floor hallway was different from the one in my house, although only because of the placement of the rooms, and the lack of a second bathroom.
They were in the first room, since the voices were coming from there.
"M….ig…ts..us..!" I still couldn't understand them. I approached the door, out of curiosity. I know gossiping is wrong, but I didn't want to knock at a bad time.
"You f..ucking a.. ...
"But, already .e .. dis...pdcn him."
I still couldn't hear them, so I moved closer to the door, pressing my ear to it. From then on, I could hear everything clearly.
"What I'm telling you has nothing to do with that." Contrary to how it had sounded before, Otsuki's mother's voice was now angry. She was trying to be threatening, to impose authority, but I know when someone is trying to understand you and teach you something, it hurts to use that tone.
"So, does it matter that I apologized?" Otsuki sounded not only nervous but also aggressive. She was on the defensive, or at least trying to shrug off some of the blame.
She sighed and continued, in a less aggressive and louder, but still serious tone, "Atsumi, I'm not saying that apologizing is a bad thing, but what you're doing is blaming others. I'm the first person ever who wants to forgive you, and I want to support you, so you can't blame others."
Otsuki remained silent for a moment, thinking and searching for the right words to say, before answering, "I know I'm partly to blame, but Tsukiyomi was the one who recorded the video, and Hina was the one who passed it on to me."
"They told you they weren't going to pass it on to anyone else, or at least that's what you told me."
With her excuse completely broken, she, instead of giving up on it, tried to continue using it.
" Y-yeah, but, anyway… They recorded the video. And besides, everyone in class started sharing it."
"That also happened because you shared the video in the first place."
"…" Otsuki didn't answer back.
"… Look, I understand why you're saying all this, but-"
"I UNDERSTAND, MOM! JUST… stop…" She raised her voice, and as she did, and afterward, she cried. She sounded fed up and broken, perhaps even remorseful.
The only thing that could be heard was crying, a very faint and weak cry, as if trying to hide itself, but then, along with it, footsteps were heard. Luckily, they weren't approaching the door. After a brief pause, the conversation continued.
"Huh?" I don't know the situation in which Otsuki exclaimed something like that, but, as soon as she did, the atmosphere became softer and less tense.
With that kind tone with which she spoke to me, with a much stronger intensity, Haruka spoke to Otsuki.
"That's not what I was going to tell you. You're not entirely to blame, but you have to accept what you've done. No one will ever blame you for understanding what you've done wrong and wanting to apologize for it. If you only try to blame others, you end up hurting them, and yourself."
She wanted to tell him something important, not the typical rant that leads nowhere. She felt like a real mother.
"…S-so, if it's my fault, what do I do?" On one hand, hurt by what she had done, and on the other, confused by what her mother had told her, Otsuki asked, still in tears.
"You can do something. You're a very good girl, aren't you? Well, then keep being one. If you've done something wrong, you just have to show those people you've hurt, those things you've broken, that you're not that kind of person. If you want to do that, you always have to start by saying sorry."
"…Can't I fix anything?"
"You can't do it if things can't be fixed in the first place. But if you can do something to make things better, or at least go back to how they were before, do it. Even so, it's more important to stay yourself. If you're always trying to fix things, sometimes you'll have to break pieces of yourself to do it, and you'll end up being someone you're not. Help those you've hurt, but don't obsess over it, and don't do more than you have to. Don't let others take advantage of you."
"What if he doesn't want to forgive me? What if he's just being nice?"
"They don't have to do it for you to want to help. You don't have to have an excuse to be yourself either. Everyone can be forgiven; you just have to accept the bad that may come from what was done, whether it was a mistake or not. Those who don't forgive either because they can't put it into words, or because they haven't matured yet."
"…What if I don't learn? What if… I do the same thing again?"
"That means it took you a while to understand what you did wrong at first, but if you grow as a person, little by little you'll see what you did wrong. You also shouldn't stop doing something because of a mistake. For example, I don't want you to stop talking to your friends just because of this."
"…" Everything seemed to be over. Otsuki was barely crying, and her mother was quiet. Suddenly, Haruka started talking.
" I… Why do you think I keep driving? Sometimes I have in-person meetings at work, and it's more convenient to drive than to take the subway or the bus. I don't want something like that to affect you so much."
Now Haruka fell silent, and Otsuki responded.
Should I say something? Yeah… my dad must be wondering what I'm doing. I hope I'm not being annoying.
I knocked on the door loud enough to be heard. I stopped pressing my ear to the wall, and spoke behind the door instead of going inside.
" Um, my dad and I are going to the school. I wanted to know if you were going to be late or not, in case you were going to be there."
I don't know why, but my dad wanted to go ahead. Normally, he'd wait for Haruka and Otsuki, but he wanted to go straight to the principal.
Does he have to tell her something in private? I thought.
" Riku, there's no need to wait for us, we might be a while," she replied in her usual calm and pleasant tone.
I wish all mothers were like that… No, that's impossible. What I should say now is, 'Ah, I wish Haruka were my mother…' Yes, that sounds much better. You're very lucky, Otsuki.
"Okay. See you at school then."
"Yeah."
I hope you don't get any weird ideas. She'd probably want to kill me if she found out I'd been spying on all of this.
When I finished speaking, I left. I went down the stairs and reached the entrance. The door leading to the street was open, and my father wasn't in the hallway.
In front of the door, I put on my shoes. I was ready to leave, having left nothing behind, and my father had washed the glasses we used, both for tea and water, and refilled and put the pitcher back in the fridge.
I just realized that we already had water glasses.
Before leaving, I wanted to turn around, as I noticed someone standing behind me. I hadn't heard anyone coming down the stairs, but I turned around anyway.
A white place.
" Where do you think you're going?" he said, with his superior tone and expression, that smug look, and that disguise I hate so much.
Seeing him, a look of hatred and annoyance spread across my face. I was starting to feel the same hatred for him I had for that bitch.
' I'm going where I need to go. And now, I have nothing to talk to you about.' I answered his question.
"Do you want to run away from me that much? You know very well that I always have many things to tell you."
'It's all bullshit, as far as I know.'
"One labels important things as lies just to avoid having to give them importance."
'I'm not going to listen to you, whether you're talking nonsense or not, so go away.'
I spoke to him in a cold voice, trying to ignore him, but unable to respond to what he was saying to me.
He was silent for a moment, then spoke to me again.
"I repeat, where do you think you're going?" With a more serious tone than before, he repeated the question he'd asked me. His expression also changed, revealing a hint of revulsion.
'Are you so stupid that I have to repeat it to you again?'
"No, I already know that. What I'm asking is why you're leaving so soon. I wonder if you're the fool, genius." With a touch of sarcasm and mockery, he explained his question, still maintaining his serious and observant stance, as if he were searching for any weaknesses in me.
'I'm leaving because I have nothing else to do here. Besides, the sooner I get home, the better.'
Putting his hands in his sweatpants pockets, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, " Just so you know, you didn't do anything, as usual."
'I came here, I listened to you, and we apologized for what I did. Is that 'nothing' to you?'
"Us?"
I was surprised by the question he asked, so instead of turning my back on him and going outside, I turned completely around, my body facing the person speaking to me, so that he would babble again.
"Tell me, Riku. At what point did you ever apologize?"
'I've done it several times. At the entrance, at the table, and then with Otsuki.' I wanted to be brief, to show him that he was wrong, that I had done it right for once.
"It's always been Kenzo who apologized for you. In the entrance, in the living room—"
'But I have apologized to Otsuki.'
"Oh, you admit you didn't apologize before? So quickly? You've grown up so fast." Mocking me again, he pointed out a huge gap in what I'd said.
'I-I don't mean that. I did apologize at the entrance and in the living room.'
"Tell me, when have you asked for forgiveness?"
'In the entryway I bowed to my father, and in the living room, I admitted it was my fault.'
"And you call that an apology? An apology is always made by saying 'sorry,' anything else is called an 'excuse.'"
'The intention was the same! You don't need to apologize to let others know you're sorry. In the end, it's the intention that counts.'
"If you only focus on your intention, you'll end up being selfish. Did you even hear what Haruka said? I think her talk would be good for you." Trying to hide a laugh, he covered his mouth as he asked me that.
"The first thing you have to do is apologize, ask for forgiveness."
'There's no need to say it directly, you can-'
"You can't. Something so ambiguous can't be an apology. Yes, you act very well, but are you really sorry? What if you're just trying to clean up your image?"
'I feel it, that's why I want to act well...'
"People won't know if you mean it just through 'actions,' they need words too. That's something you've never said, 'sorry,' or 'I'm sorry.'"
'Even so-'
"No. Riku. You have no excuse. Kenzo already said so. I'm not saying you should do it, you have to apologize, and that's exactly what you haven't been able to do."
'…' I remained silent. I wanted to keep refuting; I wanted to keep making excuses, but I couldn't. It was as if I had accepted that I was wrong.
"She said so. Your father told you. You know what you have to do, and why you came here. Everyone has done their part, but what about you?"
'…'
I couldn't say anything more in my favor. I couldn't apologize; those words could never come out of my mouth, even if I wanted to. That's why I blamed myself so much, to show remorse, guilt, hoping they'd understand my regret.
They probably know, they know I'm sorry, but they also know I haven't apologized directly. Haruka, my father, and Otsuki. None of them have heard me apologize, but none of them have said anything to me for not saying it.
Is it a good thing? Maybe they're just being polite, maybe my father is just being more permissive, kinder. But, deep down...
"…You are embarrassing to remain silent like that."
After saying that, he vanished. There was no one in front of me anymore, and everything returned to normal. He didn't get me to admit anything, but I understood what he said.
When I left, my father was standing by the door, waiting for me.
"Were you talking about something serious?" I was a little surprised to see how long it had taken to come out.
"Yes, why do you ask?" I returned to a more neutral, unusually calm tone, completely ignoring what had happened.
"Since you took so long, I thought you were talking to them, or that you were discussing something important. You might not have said anything, if that was the case."
"No, nothing happened in the end. Otsuki's mother told me we could go ahead."
Since he didn't mention anything about it, I assumed he didn't hear Otsuki talking so loudly. I would have been embarrassed to explain to him what had happened.
"Okay. Let's go, then."
With one hand inside his left pocket, as if he were putting something away, my father waited for me to leave. The moment he said this, I followed him, nodding my head.