Since I couldn't talk to _¨*^?¿·, I sat under a tree. I used a similar spot in elementary school. Normally, I'd read something, but I didn't bring anything with me today.
"…First of all, I left my bag in class…" I don't think anyone is going to do anything, they can't be in class during recess, and the teacher stays inside until everyone leaves.
For now, I'll stay here. I have nothing better to do. I can only allow myself to think. Think and imagine.
Instead of worrying about unnecessary things, I can waste my time on things that won't hurt me.
I can imagine how I'm going to graduate, how I'm going to work, or how I'm going to live.
I can also daydream. Dream that I'm reincarnated in an isekai, dream that I'm a hero from a country in crisis, dream that I'm a detective searching for a monster. These are the childish things I imagine.
I started doing it as a game with her.
We would go out into the yard to play together, or imagine any story. I remember our parents taking a picture of us every time we fell asleep from playing so much.
Usually, we were both together, hugging, or leaning on each other.
I was always the first to fall asleep, so if she fell awake, she'd stay with me, either resting my head on her lap or stroking my hair. Back then, she wasn't ashamed of such things.
There were times he'd do it even when I was awake. I wasn't ashamed of him doing that to me either, so I just kept quiet and enjoyed it. Now I'm embarrassed just thinking about us doing that kind of thing.
When we teased each other, she always called me 'baby,' and I called her 'bad mother.' My dad called ^[Ç+? so much that we sounded like mother and son, and these nicknames came about.
Just by putting my hand to my hair, I can remember the feeling. Even when we were a little older, she would still hug me and comfort me when I would vent in front of her. Whenever I would get that way, the conversation would end with me in tears.
Maybe I never stopped going for his comfort because it was emotional, not verbal. It soothed me, but it didn't fix me. I'll never be able to return the favor. I shouldn't have even done it in the first place—at least, not without giving something back.
Even if it wasn't permanent, at least it would put me in a good mood for several weeks. If only I had done it better...
Without realizing it, I shed a tear. As soon as I realized, I wiped it away, while rubbing my eyes.
"This is not the time to be like this…" I exhaled after sighing.
I can cry whenever I want in my own home. That's the excuse I'll always give myself when I feel this way in public. At some point, other people's joy has to rub off on me.
While I was deep in thought, the bell started to ring. I looked at the time, and sure enough, I had to get back to class.
"Did it go by that fast?" I exclaimed as I stood up from my spot.
The walk back through the halls was the same as the way out. There were a lot of people at the entrance to the building, but once we got out of the clutter, we could walk more or less unevenly. That's what happens when this school is so big, at least a little bigger than usual.
I don't know if I did the right thing by not looking for _¨*^?¿·. He was probably in the library, since &$%"! isn't here. The problem itself would be talking. I think I should stick to what I thought before. Give him time.
I prefer that they decide of their own free will to approach me, and if they haven't done so yet, it's because they're not ready.
At least I'm doing well. If I could do it today, I can do it tomorrow.
Even though there is no class tomorrow… Well, on Monday, on Monday I will continue to maintain the level .
Little by little, this will return to normal. I've only missed four days of school, so it's not that bad.
I arrived at my classroom. There were still people in the halls, talking to each other. I thought it was funny, but it had been a while since I'd been alone at school. I couldn't say if it's something I want to go back to, but it doesn't bother me, at least.
Seeing so many groups around me, being the only one alone in that hallway, I opened the classroom door.
There was more than half the class left to go, and most of them would be making the most of the time they had left, however little it was.
The later people come, the better, because then we lose class time.
This time, when I opened the door, no one stopped talking. They paid no attention to me, apart from a few glances that lasted barely a second. They'll have to know who came in, at least.
I waited in my seat until the rest of the class and the teacher arrived.
I don't know why, but I felt like everyone who came in immediately looked at me. Of course, it was just a feeling, and it wasn't like that at all. I also saw _¨*^?¿· come in, but he didn't look at me either.
I hope to at least be able to talk to them this weekend.