By the time I couldn't make any more dates, it was time for my dad to arrive. I don't have much of an appetite, so I'll tell him I've already had dinner, although one thing I won't skip is a shower. I haven't touched one since Saturday...
I wouldn't shower if I didn't have music to play. Sometimes a good shower feels good, but it becomes even better if you shower with music.
I'm not going to start singing while holding the shower head either, that's what I sing for.
In general, music is something I can't get away from in my life. In one way or another, I end up listening to it in my daily life. I've even done so recently.
On the train, in bed, or, as I've already said, in the shower. There are things like reading that just aren't worth distracting myself with music. Maybe it's only good for moments when I have little else to do.
I'm just grateful to be able to enjoy things like this.
Also, I should ask my dad for some headphones. I already have some, but they're the small ones with cables. I'd like real headphones, not earbuds, and for them to be wireless. I might look like an idiot with those around my neck, but I have to test how well they fit.
After the shower, I went down to the kitchen to get some cold water, and in the hallway I saw my father's jacket hanging up. He had arrived. I peeked through the kitchen door and went in.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hello." He had the same expression he'd had these past few days. He should be able to shake it off in a couple of months.
"I've already had dinner, so you don't have to give me anything." My father was making miso soup for dinner. I don't regret not having dinner. Surprisingly, I don't like it very much.
"What have you done to yourself? You must not have had the same lunch and dinner."
"For lunch I had what was left over from yesterday, and for dinner I ate the rice that was left in the fridge."
"Come on, you ate dinner first, and then lunch."
"If you look at it that way…"
After drinking a glass of water, I asked my father about what I had told him in the text message.
"About what I told you before…"
"If you want to go, you don't have to worry that I won't let you. I thought you wouldn't even ask me, and that one day you'd just show up at class without warning."
"I'm not like that either…"
"At least you were that young. You did everything in your head, and you didn't say anything to anyone. If she hadn't told us all those times when you were out with friends, your mother would have spent more time worrying about you than doing anything else." My father spoke with a tone of melancholy and longing about my former self.
"Y-yeah…" I appreciate that at least ^[Ç+? played along with me when I left.
I started going out when I was 10, under the guise of going out with friends, when I was just going for a stroll to listen to music. I thought I shouldn't make them worry any more. It was at the end of that year that my mother left, and the tension between them was very high.
If my parents knew this, they'd want to kill me—at least my father. It's not like my mother cared much either.
I started going out with the idea of avoiding my mother in mind, I didn't want to hear her, and I was tired of hearing her voices, whether directly or indirectly.
When he left, I didn't stop going out. It was almost routine, but I had no reason to. Even if I only went out once a week, that time could have been spent on something more important, and especially on that .
It wasn't until I entered high school that I met &$%"!, and a year later =@º\' and _¨*^?¿·.
To this day, I still think I don't know them at all. It was &$%"! who met them, apparently, on the school board, since he was _¨*^?¿·.
I don't know what roles each of us had there at the time. &$%"! wanted to try it, according to him, to 'have a new experience'. I don't buy the bit about _¨*^?¿· being in there for a second, and if he was in there, he probably didn't even know why he was there.
Something even more surprising is that they both lasted that whole year, and then the next year they broke up. =@º\' was friends with _¨*^?¿·, probably the only one, so it was only natural that the four of us ended up getting together.
Long story short, I know those two thanks to &$%"!. I would never have spoken to them on my own, even if I had run into them.
And likewise, the only person in the group I feel like I know is &$%"!. Now that I think about it, I've hardly ever been alone with anyone other than him, since whenever we meet up, &$%"! is always there, and in high school, whenever he was absent, I only talked to them during recess.
We didn't meet in class until this year. I also didn't mind going a day or two without talking, although it was more like not hearing anyone talk to me. I spoke very little.
And, it's not like I would have approached &$%"! on my own; if it weren't for my sister, I wouldn't have talked to &$%"! in the first place. As funny or as sad as it sounds, &$%"! hooked up with me in the beginning so he could hook up with my sister. It was love at first sight.
In my first year of high school, I was with her at the same school, since she still had one year left there, and that's why we were together most of the time.
I've been thinking about it this week, and that year was the one in which she seemed the happiest, even if we only saw each other in the hallways, or at recess.
Was it because I was with her? I guess I was alone that year too.
There should have been-
"-ku, are you okay?" I had completely distracted myself from the conversation.
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I've lost my mind…"
"I was telling you that you can go back to school if you want. I just want you to know that you don't have to force yourself to go if you think you should be going."
"But, I want to go."
"Then I fully support you." I just nodded.
" Well, I'm going to go to sleep now."
"Isn't it a little early?"
"Yes, but I prefer to get up early. I know it's early, even if I go to class tomorrow, but I don't want to wake up tired."
"I understand. Then, when you wake up tomorrow, you can go see the altar. I'll do it after lunch, and if you want to see it now, it won't take long, so you can wait until I finish it."
"Do you have everything?"
"Yes, all that's left is to set it up. During my free days, I took advantage of the opportunity to buy everything I needed."
"Oh… And, where are you going to put it?"
" The idea you mentioned seems better to me."
"The one about putting it in his room?"
My father nodded. "Yes, there's enough room to put it."
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay. Good night, then."
"Good night."
"Have a good time tomorrow." In the short time I spoke with my father, I could tell his tone of voice and expression had softened. I hadn't done anything to provoke this. He'll try to make a good impression.
" Then he's the one who tells me not to force myself…"
I left the kitchen and went straight up to my room. I had everything I needed in my backpack, so there wasn't much else I could do except waste time.
For my usual schedule, it's still early to go to sleep, but I can try.
I don't feel like going; I wouldn't even leave the house for myself. But if I don't force myself now, someone else will have to, and it could well be years before something like that happens.
No one's going to kill me for going out, much less for going to class. Just because I don't know most of them doesn't mean I hate them. I may not care about them, but they're still people.
Besides, there's no one who's going to mess with me for something like that. Even for people like that, there are limits. Anyone who crosses them doesn't know anything about life.
And, most importantly, no one's going to come and get me out of here. Life isn't so good that whatever happens, it just happens.
That all this happened in less than a week is the perfect example.
"..."
If I keep thinking about that all the time, I'll never sleep...
I put on my headphones and searched my phone for music to listen to while I fall asleep. I don't usually do that, but today is one of those days when I feel like it.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I'm going to go to class...