For my part, having nothing to do while I was out, I took a walk around the area, which was just the neighborhood and little else. If I wanted to go farther away, like to the city, I'd have to take the train, which I'm not going to do.
When I looked up at the sky, the moon shone dimmer than yesterday; I could only see it thanks to the streetlights. It wasn't as if there was anything interesting in the sky; it was all black, and if I was lucky, I could see a few stars.
There was no one on the streets; everything was empty. Even the main street was deserted, well, except for the usual group of drunk guys partying.
You'd think it wouldn't be a good idea to be out so late at this hour, in this kind of atmosphere, but nothing's going to happen to me here. As if anyone was going to do anything to me here. I'm surprised at how much he paid attention to reality.
At times like this, my head would be spinning, and my mind would be constantly seeing horrendous conclusions and images, but seeing the reflection of the light on the wet asphalt of the street would distract me.
Let's face it, I like this atmosphere. It's not gloomy, nor is it flashy; it's a perfect combination of different factors that create a calm and peaceful atmosphere.
Besides, it's not that cold. It's true that today is a unique day, since at this time of year, even at this hour, I should be able to go out in just a sweatshirt. I don't know if it's because it rained or because the temperature dropped today, but I had to grab my jacket.
The more I walked, the more I felt the lights illuminating my path shone less and less, and when I stopped paying attention to the ground, I realized.
I had left my headphones.
I realized it because I couldn't distract myself with the environment anymore, I couldn't avoid it anymore. And when I realized it, a smile formed slightly on my face, as I repeated to myself in my head how stupid I was.
I thought about heading to the park. Even if there wasn't anything interesting there, I could kill time walking around it, just to do something.
I felt worse and worse. I felt dizzy, with a weight I could barely lift, and I didn't know what I was doing out on the street. I wanted to scream.
I started thinking about what had happened, repeating that same word over and over in my head as if my life depended on it.
"Murderer."
As those words echoed in my mind, with that irritating voice behind them, the pressure I'd been feeling in my chest for a while began to worsen.
I held on as tightly as I could, mostly to my jacket and hoodie, but I pressed my fist into my chest, trying to ease the pain.
"No…" With a pained voice and, for the first time, sorrow, I repeated that word every time I heard it in my mind.
It wasn't about whether I had done it or not, it was about accepting that I had done it. Deep down, I knew it was all my fault, but I didn't want to accept it, I couldn't face it. That's why this anxiety attacked me.
I leaned against the wall after reaching a place where the ground was dry. I began to slide down slowly, with the little strength I had, but leaning against the wall more or less helped me calm down.
The weight was relieved considerably, the pressure eased, and the voices went from words to a faint static, for a moment, I thought everything was okay, that everything-
An ambulance with its siren on drove past on the road.
Exaltation, followed by worry and fear, filled my entire body. My body kept shuddering at the sound of the siren. I couldn't think clearly, but at the same time, I could see everything.
Again, I started to get nervous. I tried to calm myself down as best I could, crouching down again, leaning against the wall.
I pressed my right fist against my chest and tried to focus on my breathing instead of thinking. I brought my other hand up to my face, covering it completely, and rubbed my eyes.
Then, I closed them for a moment. I couldn't see anything. Little by little, all the weight, the pressure, and the fear I was carrying around vanished.
I decided to sit on the ground for a moment, leaning my back against the wall. I looked both ways down the street to see if anyone was there.
"I look stupid doing this…" Luckily, I was alone.
I curled up into a ball, hugging my legs.
I sat for a long time, my mind blank, just paying attention to my senses. I sat so long that I even noticed a drop of water fall on my head.
"Mh?" The moment I noticed it, another followed, then another fell on my shoulder, and those few drops were followed by a gentle rain. "Fuck…"
I got up as soon as it started to rain. It wasn't like I was going home just because of the rain, but I didn't want to sit through it. Besides, I had somewhere to go: the park.
Maybe I could find a place to take cover from the rain.
With all the things that usually exist in parks, there must be at least something with a roof.
The rain fell gently; not that much, but enough to leave me wet. With every step I took, I could hear the splashing of water, and how it seeped into my shoes. It was a sensation I didn't like; I'll never be able to bear being uncomfortable unless I ignore it. And that's exactly what I did, ignore it, because I'd already gotten where I wanted to go.
The park was a bit far from my house, because it was next to the residential forest. This makes good use of the surroundings, and since there are only a few houses near the forest, it allows for a good size.
Although at that time, it was a bit gloomy, especially with the dim light from the streetlights along the way.
I haven't been here in a while. When I was little, I used to play at home with her because I rarely went out, and when I did, I made her come with me. We'd just go for a walk, and we couldn't go that far alone at that age.
Our parents would go to the park with us from time to time. I always had a good time, though it was only because &$%"! was with me. She never left Mom's side; she was scared &$%"!!
I guess he brought both good and bad things to the table...
As I walked along the park paths, the rain began to ease a bit, but I still wanted to seek shelter.
I soon found a tree across from the park's playground big enough to stand under. Even so, raindrops were still falling on me, and nothing protected me from the cold except my clothes.
Is there really nothing here to protect me from the rain?! What a shitty park...
I stared at the swings while I waited for the rain to stop. I used them a lot with &$%"!, while my father watched us from beside her.
There were times when my mother had to stay home to cook, so she would stick close to Dad.
The first time she didn't come I got angry because she didn't tell me why, but she explained that my mother hadn't left because she wanted to.
I think it was that same day I flew off the swing…
I don't know if it was because I slipped or because I wasn't holding on to anything. What I do know is that I hit the floor with my face and started crying my eyes out, screaming that I was going to die. I remember that even though &$%"! was with me, she came running toward me.
If I remember correctly, I should have a part under my bangs…
I took out my phone despite the rain, and tried to find that mark on my skin.
Just as I imagined, there it was. It wasn't one of those fancy scars; it had a slightly odd shape, though it wasn't something that worried me since it was barely noticeable.
When I fell, I don't know what scared me more: my innocence in thinking I was going to die from hitting my head, or how angry my father was at my carelessness.
I guess for something so sudden, that's his only way of expressing his concern.
"..."
What's Dad doing now? I wondered.
I don't know if he'll want to vent or not. I've never seen him cry, so I have no idea. Maybe he's just very good at controlling his emotions and is very mature, more so than he already is, or maybe he just does it in private, like anyone else.
"...Achoo!" Suddenly, I sneezed.
All I need now is to get sick. I hope someone's talking about me...
At that moment, I thought I might be talking to &$%"! or _¨*^?¿·, but no, it was much better to be in the park, wasn't it?
And by the way, I haven't even spoken to them on my cell phone... Do they really know what happened? It would be strange if my father hadn't told them anything.
_¨*^?¿·'s house isn't far from here, wouldn't it be better to go there?
No, what am I saying? It's too late to go to someone's house. They're probably eating dinner or sleeping...
"Tsk…"
And what am I going to do tomorrow? Will I even be able to face them? I don't think I can say anything about this. I don't have the courage, I don't even know what to say. It's not like I've done anything wrong, or anything shameful, but still—
"What are you saying, Riku?" The voice came from the swing across the street, someone was swinging on it.
A girl. Long hair. Blue eyes. A voice that is usually soft and sweet, now sounds a little annoyed.