For the past 27 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my granny dies and now this.
Classic joke. If you didn't get it, then you probably laugh at elevator buttons.
Anyway—
I asked for porn.
All the porn in this world includes aliens.
Naturally, my curiosity was bricked up like a middle schooler discovering the bright side of the internet for the first time. I had to see it.
If it turned out disturbing, I'd close it immediately… or close it after ten minutes and a tissue.
The Hero who told that cursed joke stood up, scanning the other Heroes like he was about to drop a war crime.
They all looked tense. Why? I won't hog up all the scenes—I was gonna share the screen.
"What is it?" I asked directly.
"Well, my lord," the Hero said like he was snitching on a drug cartel, "porn is banned in the five continents we still control."
I blinked.
The hell?
"Why?"
I wasn't disappointed, mind you—I was shooketh.
Erect (of course it's him) responded like a 2 AM confession:
"The previous Hero King banned porn."
THE AUDACITY.
Wait..
"I'm not the first Hero King?!"
Erect shook his head. "No, my lord. You're the second."
"Well, who was the first? Was it Jesus during November?"
"He lived in this very castle," Erect said, "and I only know his name."
"Spit it."
"…Giacomo Casanova."
I coughed so hard my lungs nearly filed a resignation letter. Casanova?? That Casanova??
[ Yes. 50 Years Ago. ]
Ah. The Supreme Man speaks.
'Why'd you pick him?!'
[ Thought he'd seduce the Aliens into surrendering. Didn't work. They ate him. ]
'You gave him skills, right?'
[ Just six. I underestimated the Aliens. My bad. ]
'So… he died 50 years ago?'
[ Correct. After his death, I spent the time inventing 6969 skills before I found you. ]
'Fair. Lore accepted. Now back to the horny ban.'
I returned to Moral.
"That guy banned porn because he already got laid like a mailman in a love triangle. He didn't need it. Classic selfishness."
The Heroes shrugged their shoulders.
"Can't I lift the ban?" I asked.
Erect grimaced. "No, my lord. You can't."
"Why?"
He looked around like the CIA was listening.
"It's because of… Purple Balls."
I blinked again. That name sounded like a side effect of sleeping with Thanos.
"What kind of Avengers-level name is that?"
"It's a Skill, my lord. Casanova used it. It automatically vaporizes any porn that tries to enter the five continents."
I paused.
"…Like, how?"
"Any file, object, image, even a stick drawing with questionable angles—BOOM. Deleted."
"Then how did people even watch porn before?"
"CDs."
"You people have CD players?!"
"Yes. Everyone does."
Bro what?? They don't have basic healthcare but somehow everyone's walkin' around with a disc player from 1999? And my family didn't even have that? No wonder I reincarnated with rage issues.
Anyway, I turned to the one entity who could fix this—Supreme Man.
[ Forget about this. You have greater things to focus on than porn. Stop asking. ]
But Supreme Man really pulled a parental "bed before 8" card on me. Useless in moments that matter.
"Fine," I sighed. "Sit down."
The Hero with that cursed joke obeyed. Everyone looked at me again, expecting more divine wisdom.
But the truth is—I had nothing. My brain was emptier than a motivational quote from a depressed goldfish after realizing she can't sell the gold in her name for a price.
However, I have a motto in my life. When things go silent, pull out a vibrator. Just kidding. I'll tell them a joke. A short one.
So I stood up from the throne.
"I have a joke," I said.
All 50 Heroes instantly stood up too like I'd activated their Siri.
"Sit back down, damn it."
They sat down like obedient dogs. Respect is terrifying sometimes.
Anyhow, I smirked and began:
"What time is it when the clock strikes 13?"
"Hahahhahahaahh!!"
The Heroes bursted out in laughter. I haven't even said the main thing yet! What did they find funny?
Anyway, I finished the joke.
"Time to get a new clock."
Now laugh…
"Hahahhahahhahaha!!"
They laughed the same way as before. It wasn't that funny though.
One Hero coughed blood while laughing. Seriously.. that was just a joke I copied for starters. It wasn't worthy enough to spill your blood over it.
Another Hero broke his teeth while laughing.
One Hero's tongue fell off by laughing too hard. How is that even possible?
One Hero detached his jaw.
One Hero pissed himself.
One Hero shit himself on his pants.
One Hero started masturbating!
What the hell is happening here?
"Alright. Here is another one."
The Heroes looked at me again. They stopped laughing. Except the wanker. He was still going like he was in a speedrun competition.
Anyway, I want to see something. I have a suspicion..
"Boobs."
"Hahahhahahahahhaha!!"
The same thing happened. One Hero started frothing at the mouth. The masturbator upgraded to turbo mode. Seriously, lift the ban, supreme man, otherwise people will use anything to rub one off.
But now I knew the truth:
They're not laughing because it's funny.
They're laughing because I said it.
They're scared of hurting my feelings.
They'll even laugh if I insult them.
For example..
"I have one more." I said and shared the joke :
"Your mom."
"Hahahhahahahahhahahaha!!"
Another jaw broke.
Someone burst a vein.
Turbo Man moaned.
I felt my soul exit my body in sheer secondhand embarrassment.
This… was just sad.
I hated fake laughter more than I hated alien porn bans.
But here's the catch—If I tell them to only laugh when it's actually funny, they'll stop laughing… and that'll actually hurt my feelings.
This meeting was worthless.
I thought they'd laugh like the people back in the village… not bust nuts like emotionally unstable hyenas who didn't get casted in the lion king sequels.
"That's enough jokes. Let's discuss important matters."
I turned serious. Jokes were wasted on these trauma survivors.
But of course, the Wanker wasn't done.
"No, no, don't stop!" he gasped like I was his camgirl. "One more joke. You're so funny. I'm close. One more showcase of your talent will end this."
EXCUSE ME?
I was out of words. My soul had called a Karen.
The other Heroes looked nonchalant, like this was just Tuesday to them. Is this… common?
I don't want to be the reason for another man's orgasm. I won't tell him any jokes. Look at what you have done, Casanova!
"Casanova! Because of you this man will get purple Balls!"
I shouted and after my shout..
"Yessssss…."
The wanker Hero finally stopped. I lost.
He stood up, rearranged himself like a gentleman who just sinned in church, and bowed his head.
"Thank you, my lord. I am sorry for my behaviour."
And now he hit his post nut clarity.
Great.
Seriously…
This is literally the climax for today.