A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
———
The above got nothing to do with the current situation I have at hand right now.
Explosions were popping off around my castle like cherries in a dimly lit theatre, and to top it off, an Alien had just penetrated through the roof and was now standing on the table in front of me like a PowerPoint presentation with Johnny Sins on it.
'On the stats.'
[ Stats On. ]
Now I was safe. Not that I needed it—my passive skills make me invincible. I could get hit by a meteor, a lawsuit, and a frying pan all at once and still not take damage.
But still—my castle's roof shouldn't collapse like a paper hat in the rain. That's just disrespectful to architecture.
"I am an Alien!" The alien shouted.
Do they not have names? Oh wait, they do. Always something unpronounceable like someone face-rolled a keyboard while sniffing their load. And this guy looked exactly like the alien that arrived in the village. Same attitude. Same stupid antennas. Same white sneakers like he robbed a Foot Locker of women NBA's.
"It's an Awakened Alien!" Erect shouted.
All the Heroes jumped up like someone yelled "Free WiFi" and huddled behind me.
You should stand in front of me, people! I am the King!
"How do you know he is an Awakened one?" I asked.
"The antennas and those white relics. Only awakened aliens have them."
Erect shared a characteristic and bro really called white sneakers "relics." I weep for fashion.
"What makes them awake?" I asked another question. The Alien should wait before I get some facts straight.
"When an Alien is born as a result of Gangbang, they are called Awakened. They are stronger than average Aliens. Only you can defeat them, my lord."
Wait what..
"Gangbang?"
"Yes, my lord. They conquered the Gangbang continent just to mass-produce Awakened Aliens. It's a cultural thing."
I don't think this is about culture. They are just degenerates.
"I am an Alien!"
"I heard you the first time."
"I am here to get revenge for my friend. Who is Racist here?"
"Probably everyone." Erect answered.
I nodded. That was good. He is learning.
"No! The one who killed my friend, Rokagragathanologicafreyalter! That Racis T. Where is he?" The Alien barked.
So he was looking for me. Guess, the notification reached the skies of Aliens too.
"I'm Racis." I stepped forward, regal AF. "What's up? Other than your antennas, of course."
"Hahahahahahaha!" The Heroes erupted in laughter. The same as before.
"Don't joke, my lord. I might do something worthy of punishment again." Beater spoke.
Shit. I forgot about him.
"You are prohibited to do that when I am around. That's my order."
Beater gave a slow nod. I hope he agreed.
"Don't make fun of me!" Alien still throwing tantrums like a toddler who found out his dad fucks his mom.
"Get down from the table first. That's bad manners."
"Oh. My bad."
The Alien began descending.
"To hell with that!" he screamed mid-descent.
Then boom—he scythe-slapped the table like it was his wife.
THUMP!
The table broke. And every big sound doesn't sound like a thump but I can't think of anything else for now.
But he shouldn't have broken the table. It was a long one. I haven't seen such tables in real life before.
"You all go handle the Aliens outside. I'll deal with this microwave-brained intruder."
"As you say," the Heroes yelled—and jumped straight out the castle window like lemmings on a dare.
Only Erect stayed.
"You're not going?" I asked.
"I am your right hand man, my lord. I'll stay by your side. No pun intended."
"Sure. Suit yourself."
Erect nodded and I finally focused on the Awakened Alien.
He raised his scythe again like he was trying to cut down my lifespan—and slammed it onto my head.
TUN!
That was the sound. Not "crack." Not "smash." Just… tun. Like a steel bucket got tickled.
Obviously, I was fine. My passive skills laughed in seven languages.
The Alien, now full gremlin-mode, went feral. He launched a flurry of attacks on my body like a mosquito overdosing on caffeine.
Tun. Tun. Tun. Repeated slaps of disappointment filled the air.
He even hit between my legs.
Still safe. Can't damage perfection.
"WHY ARE YOU NOT DYING?! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Bro had a meltdown worthy of a toddler in Walmart. It went on for thirty minutes. Dude burned more calories than a CrossFit cultist.
Eventually, he collapsed on his knees, gasping like someone who jogged after eating biryani.
"You are strong. No wonder you are the King. No human has withstood my attacks for so long."
"Can I ask something?" I said.
"Shoot."
"Where did you get those sneakers?"
"Sneakers? What?"
"The white relics on your feet."
"Ohhh. We saw them on a planet once. Liked the vibe. Started manufacturing them. Only Awakened ones get to wear them."
"Was it Earth?"
"Yes. That was the name."
I sat down. Man-to-alien, king-to-clown.
"Why haven't you attacked Earth, like you did here?"
"We're not insane. We've seen what Earthlings do to aliens. Y'all killed one of our kind just 'cause he wanted stones."
That was a movie, bruh—never mind.
"And anyway," the Alien added, "They don't need us to attack. They'll destroy their planet themselves."
Wow.
"Truest words never spoken," I said, lifting my hand to pat him—but stopped. I would've accidentally turned him into space dust.
"But you know…" I smirked, "I thought you didn't visit Earth because of its ratings."
"Why is that?" The Alien asked and the joke I wanted to say for a long time finally saw the light of the day.
"I mean, it only has One star."
Silence.
The kind of silence that follows an unskippable ad.
Erect didn't even fake a laugh this time.
The Alien also stared at me with his big red eyes.
"I am sor-"
"That was good."
"Huh?"
"That was really good. It only has one star. Sun. And you connected it with rating stars. It's funny. Tell me more."
He leaned closer, eyes wide with hope. This Alien didn't want revenge anymore—he wanted a front-row ticket to my Netflix special.
Is this real? And I am supposed to kill these innocent creatures?
"Tell me." The Alien insisted.
I couldn't let him down.
"What did the Aliens think of the anti-gravity book?"
"What?"
I smiled. "They liked it so much… they couldn't put it down."
And then it came…
"Hahaha. That's funny. They couldn't put it down… Amazing."
He laughed. Really laughed. Like, from the chest. No sarcasm. No courtesy chuckle.
Just pure cosmic giggling.
I knew it. Grandma was right...
My comedy was really out of this world.