Pentious looked down at the question in front of him, nervously sweating. "I … um … I …" Once one of the smartest and most capable up and coming overlords of all of hell, he was now a resident at that local Hazbin Hotel, a place of redemption…. A concept of which was foreign to him and not proven at all to be feasible.. But considering the V's were not going to be happy to see him anytime soon, this was pretty much the basket of eggs he was stuck with.
"Vaggie, don't you think this might be a bit … overkill?" Ms Charlie asked her girlfriend.
"You asked for my advice on a test of morality. I simply gave out an ethics question I learned in high school. The trolly problem." The gray woman shrugged.
"But.. isn't the idea of suggesting someone should die at all.. Unethical?" The princess asked.
"That's not the point of the exercise, it's a hypothetical that tests the kind of person we're dealing with." Ms Vagatha explained. "It shows your real character when the chips are down."
"Like how it's showing you to be a bit of a cunt to put someone in that kind of corner?" His fellow resident and porn star, Angel Dust, snickered as he laid on the couch as usual."
"Can it Angel Dust." Vaggatha growled.
"I finished!" Nifty, their cleaning lady, handed in the paper.
"Wow, that was fast … why did you draw on the paper?"
"Oh, I was trying to figure out how to kill all six people, and realized attaching a sword to the left side might do the trick." They creepily smiled in a way that reminded Pentious why he locked his doors at night. "See, now I don't have to leave anyone out of the mix! EVERYONE dies!"
"As is life." The radio demon, and the second reminder to lock his doors at night, grinned as he patted the little psycho on the head. "What a wonderful little exercise you have come up with, my dear Vaggie, it might be my favorite one yet."
"Fuck off radio freak." And the sinner flipped him off.
"Why such hostility? I've done nothing but what Ms Charlotte's asked of me, and I've been nothing but helpful to this hotel's needs." The creepy overload grinned with that unnatural smile. "I've kept the hotel from falling on itself, provided cheerful and helpful staff, and even kept charlatans and cretins from breaking in."
"With violent murder."
"Funny coming from the woman with an angelic spear." Alastor chuckled. "Why would a manager of a hotel encouraging redemption ever need to resort to such tactics."
The lady looked like she didn't have an answer to that, other than another threat, but Ms. Charlie patted the purple female on the head, pacifying her. "We're ... appreciative of your zealousness, Alastor, but in the future, please don't push subjects that might be.. Sensitive for some people to get into."
"I'll try to judge it by ear." He smirked, clearly not taking it to heart.
"Charlie, remind me.. WHY did you think letting him stay here was a good idea?" Vagatha loudly whispered.
"Because everyone deserves a second chance, even if they are clearly not believers in the system." Charlie whispered back. "Besides, thanks to him we have help from Nifty and Husk!"
"Where is the pussy cat anyway?" Angel Dust questioned. "Could've sworn he would be sleeping behind the desk by now."
"He said he needed to cash in his 'investments'... which I now realize means he's getting drunk at a bar." Vagatha groaned.
"Can't blame the guy, getting sober around here, tediously boring as tits." Angel dust groaned.
"Angel, YOU'RE here to get sober." Charlie pointed out
"I thought I was here to get off drugs?" He asked. "Pick your vice, princessa."
The woman groaned, before the door opened up. "Hey Husk." She greeted, before looking confused. "Who's your friend?"
"Luz, she'll be working here for the foreseeable future." The cat demon groaned, shoving a young woman forward. "Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna try and pass out."
"Since when are you on a recruitment drive?" Vagatha glared at the cat.
"I broke his bottles, he said I needed to pay him back with a job." The girl answered. "And it was either that or jumping off a roof and hoping that everything's a nightmare."
"Oooh, you must be new." Alastor chuckled. "Sorry to say dearie, but I believe it's best said in one simple form …" He began snapping his fingers as music played.
"..You weren't kidding about the musical numbers, where you?" The frankly depressed looking girl turned to the already inebriated Husk.
"Careful, this one's annoying."
"So you fell on down." The radio demon sang. "Down the fiery hole." The man's shadows began summoning their instruments.
"I'm confused, are these shadows real people or just part of the creeptard's voodoo hoodoo shit shtick?" Angel Dust asked.
"Soul's he's taken advantage of that no longer have a will of their own to live." Nifty chuckled with her sadistic glee. "The only problem is that they don"t bleed, so it's pointless to stab them.
"You all turned around, It doesn't feel like home." He spun the new girl around. "You lived your life, the way you wanted to. And now that you died, you're held accountable."
"Like that's anything new." The girl sighed.
"So sit down, baby, shoot the breeze, 'Cause down here you can never leave. Don't fret now, leave the worrying to me." He smirked, holding out a piece of flaming paper.
"Alastor, don't you DARE start making deals in my hotel!" Charlie shouted as her horns began to grow out.
"Can't blame a demon for trying." He chuckled, leaping back to a stage that wasn't there before. "Oh baby, welcome to Hell, stay along for the ride! We got sinners, liars and malcontents for miles! I said welcome to Hell, it's a diffеrent vibe, we got somе damn good sights that'll leave you mortified, and it will blow your mind!" He snapped his fingers as everyone's clothes transformed into something more ... old timey for lack of better words. Except Pentious, his hat just got shorter. Guess the man recognized his style.
"Ughh, I hate when he does that!" Vaggie shouted, throwing the dead fox scarf on the ground. "Why does he keep putting this around me!?"
"So.. this is normal?" The new girl asked Nifty.
"Oh, this is nothing, you should see him when he's on the streets, that's when he breaks out the knife." Nifty chuckled. "Sometimes after a long day, he brings me a severed head for my collection."
"Oh, there's no problem, why you're looking for a remedy?" He asked. "Just 'cause you fucked a stripper in the seventy's?"
"It was the forties, asshole!" Angel Dust shouted.
"Not everything is marching to your melody!" The demon shouted. "Hellfire doesn't need a little levity. Oh, you're the problem again?"
"Always." The girl hugged herself, as she looked at the now purple dress suit she was now in. "Huh… the outfit is kind of nice though.
"I guess you lost all sense, you've been knocked in the head." Alastor flicked her in the head. "'Cause last time I checked, we're all probably dead!"He laughed loudly. "And not a damn thing changed for me, you and your friends, and come on!" He shouted out.
"You're really not hitting me with anything new here.." The girl groaned as she sat down on the couch next to Angel dust.
"Trying to numb the pain?" The spider asked.
"No… the pain is the only feeling I have left."
"..Yeah, I've been there." The spider groaned.
"Welcome to Hell, stay along for the ride. We got sinners, liars and malcontents for miles!" He dragged her into a dance routine, the two kicking out their feet into the air. "I said welcome to Hell, it's a different vibe! We got some damn good sights that'll leave you mortified, and it will blow your mind!"
"Okay, enough enough." Charlie spoke up, as the lights died out and the dancers and cameras fell. "She gets the picture Alastor, no need to rub it in."
"She was questioning a nightmare, just wanted to make sure it stuck in." The demon chuckled. "Please, go ahead."
"uGGH.." Charlie groaned as she slapped her face, before taking a deep breath. "Sorry about that, Alastor's just… excited about his job as the foreman…."
"Asshole you reluctantly agree to be around for convenience?" Luz asked.
"Short and uncomplicated way of saying it, but yeah, pretty much." Angel Dust nodded. "Ms Princessa and taco girl don't know how to run shit in this place, so Strawberry pimp here takes advantage of their naivety."
"Angel Dust." Vagatha growled.
"Gotcha. Alright, where do I start working?" The girl asked. "This is probably the best I'm going to get anyway."
"Before we get you started, why don't you take it easy ... you look like you've been through alot." The Princess squatted down. "You said your name is Luz? Well I'm Charlie Morningstar."
The girl blinked. "... Like Lucifer Morningstar?"
"Her daddy's the big bad boy king of hell." Nifty nodded with a drool. "Imagine those teeth all over you…."
"Terrifying." The girl slowly nodded. "Sorry you had to live with a guy that evil, sounds rough."
"He's not really evil ... just ... unmotivated by life." Charlie muttered.
"... So humans are more evil than the devil himself." They noted bluntly.
"I'd be offended if you thought otherwise." Alastor chuckled. "The name's Alastor, the radio demon."
"Why radio?" Luz asked.
"Because it's the SUPERIOR form of entertainment, and anyone that claims otherwise needs to get their ears cleaned with a piano wire running through their brain!!!!!"
"You're a petty man, aren't you?" They went on without a hint of fear.
The demon showed his teeth to her, looking like he was going to strike ... before laughing. "Aahahahahahah, finally, there's someone in this hotel that's mildly intriguing!"
"Huh. Could've sworn he would've ripped out my heart for that one." The girl blinked. "Maybe you aren't so petty after all."
"I AM a gentlemen, Ms, Luz, I do have standard I strive to uphold." He grinned.
"And you've already met Husk, our front desk." Charlie pointed to the man drinking at the counter.
"..Clearly the best choice to see at the front of a hotel."
"Obviously." Alastor nodded. Seems the girl's sarcasm meshed well with the radio demons.
"This is Vaggie, our manager." Charlie smiled, hugging the sinner. "And my girlfriend."
"...Wait, so ... does that make homesexuality a sin?" Luz asked.
"We don't like to think about it." Angel Dust nodded. "But we can promise it's one of the things no one gives a shit about … well, unless you were sent the hell for murdering gays exclusively, then we hunt you down and hang you by the balls and/or labia."
"...Our crude, spidery friend here is Angel Dust, our very first patron." The princess sweated. "And Sir Pentious was our second."
"Greetingssss Madame." He bowed. "I hope your time here isn't too painful."
"Thanks, that's… weirdly sweet-ahhh!" Luz gasped as Nifty crawled over the new girl.
"Are you a boy or a girl, you look kind of mainish." Nifty grabbed her by the face. "Please say you're a man."
"I'm a girl."
"Awwww." The girl pouted, before grinning again. "Can I collect your skin, I need to add it for my other collection."
"When I'm no longer in debt to Husk, feel free to take any part of my body you want." Luz sighed. "Might as well be useful to someone."
"YAY!"
"And we have one more Patron. He just runs a bit late sometimes, he's tired a lot." Charlie apologised.
"Sorry." The voice of the new guy groaned, as he slithered out. "Stomach issues again."
"Not to worry Ivan, we all have our problems." Charlie waved off. "Luz, this is-"
"Ivan … Nature Basilisk of the Boiling Isles Ivan?" She blinked.
"Wait, you know each other?" Charlie turned her head
"You look familiar …" The man muttered, before his eyes widened. "Human!?"
"Yeah …" She pulled out a pink sword. "REVENGE!"
"Hehehehe, NOW it's getting interesting." Alastor cackled.
"Oh shit!" Ivan screamed as the girl began slicing him.
"YOU HURT CENTI! YOU MADE HER GO CRAZY AND GOT HER PUT IN A BUBBLE!"
"Hold on, hold the fuck on!" Vagatha grabbed the girl by the arms as she still kept swinging. "Madre de dios, cálmate la puta niña!"
"¡No me calmaré hasta que pague por lo que ha hecho!" The sword began making contact with Vagatha's skin ... which seemed to just bounce the blade off.
"Hold on, hold on, this isn't the place to fight!" Charlie shouted.
"You sure, cause I got ten down on the new girl beating the slug to a pulp." Angel dust snickered.
"Not helping!" Vagatha screamed.
"Luz, please, I'm sure …" Pentious tried to calm her down.
"CENTI'S DEAD NOW… BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO HER!!!!" Luz screamed. "YOU DESERVE DEATH!!"
"And what about you!" The man shouted. "You're here too!"
"I know! Because I deserve it just as much! Maybe more!" The girl cried. "I'm burning because I made the lives of my friends worse … " The girl cried as she let go of the sword. "I'm the reason Belos got powerful … I'm the reason the Collector's destroying the demon realm … I'm the reason they're all DEAD right now like me!"
"There there.." Charlie took the girl out of Vaggie's hands, and into her own. "It's going to be alright, you don't have to be ashamed of anything here ... it's all over ... and what's in the past is stuck in the past."
"It still hurts…. It still hurts so fucking much…" The girl cried into the princess's shoulder.
"... So I take it I'm grabbing the weighted blankets?" The snake-like demon questioned with a sigh.
"Heavy duty." The princess nodded. "Vaggie, get the biggest bowl of ice cream you can find, this feels like a long one."
"On it." The manager nodded.
"Hey kid." Angel Dust held up a pig. "This is Fat Nuggets, he makes everything better."
"... He's adorable." The girl squeezed the creature in her arms.
"Aww … my painting." Nifty pouted. "Now no one's dying."
"Sadly not today.. Not today."
=======================================================================
Cherri bomb slid across the street as she tossed away a bomb. "Oh yeah, you feelin the groove Lucci!?" Weird name for a kid to have BEFORE going to hell, but she wasn't complaining. She could count the number of people that could handle her level of fun on one fucking hand, and that was usually after sleeping with them, OR having a double 'date' with Angie ... but here this kid was, freshly dead and already causing mayhem.
"I'm feeling it, punching it, and smashing it all over!" He sent out a small spike bubble that went through a loan shark stomach, letting the entrails bleed out. "Heck yeah, I feel like I'm back home, except there's no coven scouts telling me to stop!"
"We don't stop till we're double dead, little firecracker!" She laughed. "We don't have police, just gang flavored assholes tryin to step to our fun!"
"And we won't let them step to our fun!" He laughed as he threw out his shield, which bounced off the buildings and sliced through a couple of heads. "So, are we ready for that song you mentioned?"
"Fuckin yes we are!" She cackled as the guitars began playing out of nowhere like always.
"Wait, who's on instrument?"
"Nobody, hell has its own musical accompaniment!" She chuckled.
"...Seriously, if this is how hell always was, I would've gone here a LONG time ago!" He chuckled. "Let the party get rollin!"
"You know it, firecracker!" She shouted as she climbed up a building. "Fell into hell alone, like anybody else. Nothin' special, nothin' deadly, just a one-eyed shell (Woah oh oh)." Just an average bomber. "No luck, no love, just a girl gone numb. Didn't have claws or magic circles, dug my way out of the slums!" Cherri exclaimed.
"Yeesh, at least I still had magic." The little firecracker winced as he threw a disk right into a bird demons wings, grounding the fucker for a full face of shrapnel and smoke.
"But it didn't hold me back, I rose to take my throne!" It didn't matter how little she had, or how ruthless everyone else was. "Rush of destruction in my body makes it feel like home! (Woah oh oh)"
"Now you're speaking my language!" The guy cackled as he bounced a bullet back into a fucker's skull. Nice hard skin, definitely her type of party partner.
"I've taken out the toughest guys who tried to fuck with me!" The more you climbed to the top, the more people wanted to take you down.. Which was why she would take them all down first. "You wanna play as well? Well, come and take a peek!"
The kid smacked bubbles into the ground, making it blow up as rubble flew all over the place. "Got the fame playin' war games, better stay up in your lane! Droppin' matchеs, catch you star gazin', watch you all go up in flames!" He cackled as he created a giant flair and demolished an entire building. "Sweet like forbidden fruit, sour likе a sting of pain!"
"You know what's 'bout to hit ya - better say my name!" Cherrie shouted as she shoved another bomb down a fucker's throat. "I'm the bomb, I'm a detonator ready to explode!
"Take a step into my playground, you ain't got nowhere to go!" Lucci sang as he formed some kinda drill on his hand, shoving it through an armadillo. "Poppin' like a firecracker, yeah, I'll burn right through your soul!" He cackled as they bled.
"I ain't like no one here, I'm blowin' up the mold!" They shouted as explosions went off around them.
(I'ma make it...)
"Blowin' up the mold!"
(I'ma make it pop!)
"Been holding beatdowns for SO LONG!" Lucci cackled as the little bugger was literally covered in pink fire.
"So quick question, is the pink thing normal for yah, or is it something you got when you came to hell?" Cherri asked.
"All my life, apparently I'm something called an alien.. Honestly I'd rather not think about it, gets too complicated and boring."
"I get ya man, biology class gave me a headache too. It's why I blew up the teach's car" She nodded. "So let's go back to devastation."
"YEAH!" He smirked. "Causin' total devastation while the cameras roll!" He shouted out as he blocked a rocket. "Me and my partner makin' art with bloody shells and sheilds(Woah oh oh)!"
"Now you're getting into the spirit of it all!" She smirked.
"Glitter and dust, the only bond that we trust!Don't need the power of therapy, just a boy shredding some guts."
"Yeah, I don't need to deal with my issues, I just gotta blow them up!"
"And if that doesn't work… blow them up harder!" He chuckled.
"Inside the city, bastards are movin' in to steal my zone." Cherri sang. "Can feel my trigger finger's itchin' and I just might blow." Every other day, someone new was trying to take her spot, and if it wasn't someone new, it was that snakey bastard who thought he was tough shit. "Crackin' airships, eggs and kneecaps, the old man is really testin' me!"
"Alright bit, prepare to eat lead till you shit it!" A gator demon pointed a machine gun right at her face.
"Ran outta ammo, guess I'll hit you with this beat." Lucci shifted his shield into a cymbal … and slammed it down, sending forth a massive shockwave.
"Nice, now that's drummin to a different beat!" Cherri snickered. "Got the fame playin' war games, better stay up in your lane! Droppin' matches, catch you star gazin', watch you all go up in flames!"
"Sweet like forbidden fruit, sour like a sting of pain!" The kid grinned as he grew out a scorpion tail and shoved it straight into a chest of a couple of insect looking fuckers. "You know what's 'bout to hit ya - better say my name!"
"I'm the bomb, I'm a detonator ready to explode!" She shouted.
"Take a step into my playground, you ain't got nowhere to go!" He smirked.
"Poppin' like a firecracker, yeah, I'll burn right through your soul! I ain't like no one here, I'm blowin' up the mold!" They exclaimed as she threw a massive bomb.
(I'ma make it...)
"Blowin' up the mold!"
(I'ma make it pop!)
"Now this is music!" The boy laughed excitedly. "If it wasn't for the lack of friends and family, I'd call it perfect!"
"Well, you got the rest of eternity to wait for them to come down here and join ya." She offered. "Plenty of time to make new friends to fill the gap till then."
"That I do!" He smirked. "Livin' the dream until my body drops!" He shouted, cutting off a head. "Chasing infamy and calamity to the bloody top!"
"Gotta hustle, working to smash a lot of tv screens!" Or anything relating to the other overload fuckheads. "And so my afterlife's a never-ending movie scene (Woah oh oh)!"
"But you can't stop me going for the kill!" The kid grinned as he was stabbed from the back through the chest by a loan shark.
"Finally, I got you to shut up-"
"I'll break your heart like you broke mine and I'll keep goin' still!" The kid litterally grabbed the heart of the shark fucker and threw it overhead.
"A town of sinners and we're gonna be the one on top!" Cherrie chuckled. "So you can watch me make it…"
"POP!"
BOOOOOOM
"I'ma make it pop!"
"Got the fame playin' war games, better stay up in your lane!" Cherri tossed a few more of her sparklers.
"Droppin' matches, catch you star gazin', watch you all go up in flames!" To which Lucci kicked them like cannonballs.
"Sweet like forbidden fruit, sour like a sting of pain!" The pain didn't matter… nothing mattered.. But the thrill of climbing all the way to the top!"
"You know what's 'bout to hit ya - better say my name!"
"I'm the bomb, I'm a detonator ready to explode!" She would be the eternally burning firework that would blow shit up till it all burned downed, till the bloody hierarchy of this fucking world was turned to fucking ash. "Take a step into my playground, you ain't got nowhere to go!"
"Poppin' like a firecracker, yeah, I'll burn right through your soul!" Lucci took his guitar out and smacked it over a hellhound. "I ain't like no one here, I'm blowin' up the mold!"
"Woooooh! Great job kid!" She shouted out, slapping his back. "How about we celebrate with some LSD!?"
"What's that?" He asked. "Sounds like something my mom got after she complained about one of her ex's."
"Nah, it's nothing like that. Think of it like candy adults." She grinned as she gave him a pouch of the fun stuff.
"Hm.. well I'm not a fan of sweet stuff.." He muttered.
"Oh, you don't need to eat it directly." She grabbed a handful and snorted it up. "You shoot it up your nose. Helps it hit better."
"Huh.. eh, what the hell.. Heh… funny." He grinned as he crushed the power in the bag, and breathed it all in with one huff. "Okay … what now?"
"You give it a few seconds to kick in." She smirked, excited for the first timer.
… A minute passed. "Something supposed to happen?"
….Huh, maybe he wasn't shitting with the alien stuff he was spouting. "… The uh … the alien thing wouldn't happen to give you a weird diet, would it?"
"I do think a cake goes best with cyanide." He shrugged.
"Fuck.. maybe we need a bigger dose." Or maybe just Sloth grade materials all together …
"Hey fuckers!" They turned to some tall-ish imp growling at them. "You blew up my subway!" He pointed to a demolished sandwich place.
"Oh yeah, whatcha gonna do about it?" Lucci smirked.
"I'm gonna hit you with my dick!"
"....Is this a man in sandals and candy situation?" The kid asked her.
"Maybe … oh no, false alarm, he just wrote 'my dick' on the side of his bazooka. Sex jokes." Cherri nodded.
"..I don't get it-" The missile rammed right into the boy's body.
BOOOOM
Cherri ducked right out of the way as it set off. "What the fuck, dude, you can't just blow up kids!" Cherrie shouted.
"If he ain't paying me, I reserve my right to blow up whatever the hell I want!"
"It's cool, it's cool." The boy walked out of the smoke, coughing. "Now I have an excuse to fight." He created a buzz saw that flew through the air.
"Shit! Magic kid!" The imp ducked out of the way.
"Come on asshole, that all you got!?" Lucci smirked as he granted two shields and smacked them against each other, creating a shockwave that ripped off the pavement. "Think you can swing around something called 'your dick' and get away with it without consequences!"
"..Well, yeah, that's how it usually works for me!"
"Too bad, cause unless you're a god, a disturbingly skilled chemist, or a guy with a giant mecha, you ain't doing shit to me!" He created another shockwave.
"Fuuuuuuck me, Christ on a stick!" The imp began running.
"Hm… he seems fun… wanna keep fucking him up?" Cherrie snickered.
"Dunno, I usually let fun people go." He mused. "It's sort of a catch and release thing for me, like fishing. Watch how badly they screw up the next time?"
"Maybe-hey, did you fill a truck full of fireworks at anytime?" She asked.
"Nope, been beside you all day." He stated… as he was ran over with said truck.
"You don't threaten me with a good time and not follow through, asswhipes!" That imp cackled as the truck exploded, the kid set completely on fire.. But still walking out of it.
"Okay, now he's pissing me off." Lucci grinned.. As he body began morphing with fur… and he became some kind of lion bat monster. "Hop on, we're going on a joyride!" Oooh, this seemed fun.
=======================================================================
Asmodeus, the king of lust, the man with a dick bigger than Satan himself … filed another paper. "Bweee. Why do people want my position? Do they even realize how much paperwork you have to do to run an ENTIRE ring?" He grumbled as he tediously signed another initial and crossed another T. Out of most of the sins…unfortunately he was one of the more responsible ones.
Beelzebub partied most of the time, not giving two shits about paperwork and letting it pile up to the point where someone else had no choice BUT to fill it out for her. Mammon, the greedy slimy fuck, was apparently smart enough to trick people into doing it for him for dirt cheep. Belfegohor was so understaffed she fell asleep by the time she got to her desk. Leviathan was two faced about it, literally. Satan literally set his ablaze, and .... Lucifer … less said about him, the better.
Point was, Asmodeus either could A) slack off and sinflix and chill with his fizzipop and wait for the paperwork to blow over, or B) go through it personally to prevent a loophole for some asshole to take a bite out of his business. He already couldn't touch Velvette and the Vs because they fell under Mammon's umbrella of protection. 'It's money, and who would deny me money' the man argued. Fuckin piece of shit …
"Mr Asmodeus." The line called. "You have two succubus who claim to have found a demon with dementia."
"Send her to a hospital then." He waved off. Why the hell did they think to come to him with EVERY problem?
"They claim that the demon in question thinks they're from earth, but there's no asmodian crystal on her."
Huh.. that was.. Peculiar.. "And it's not a sinner?"
"They're outside the pride ring… although the look.. Kind of humanish when I look at them, no horns, wings, scales, fur, or hooves of any kind that I can distinguish."
Hm.. this was probably nothing… fuck it, anything was better than paperwork. "Send her in." He cracked his neck, ready for whatever they threw at him …
A teenage girl wrapped in shibari rope and a ball gag was not it. "Sorry for the appearance sir, she was fuckin violent about not coming."
"MMMMMM!!!"
He groaned. "Untie her and leave." He ordered. "And next time, just leave something at no when someone says no. I run a sex club, not a fucking brothel." He wasn't Valentino and his rape ring.
"Understood." They took off the gag.
"GAAHH! What the hell is wrong with you people!?" The purple haired girl shouted.
"You're the crazy one." A short succubus groaned as they untied her. "What kind of demon thinks they have a home on earth? Besides the dick, nothing interesting's up there."
"I'm not a demon! I'm a witch from the Boiling Isles who got stuck on Earth!" Oooh, that was a name he hadn't heard about in a while.
"See, she's talking completely crazy." The taller succubus waved her hands. "We just wanted a simple threeway, hopefully fourway, and she's making it complicated."
"Leave." He growled, as the two complied, running out in a panic. "And as for you …" Asmodeus looked down on the girl. "Tea or coffee?"
"...There's nothing weird in it?"
"Girl, if there were any roofies in my ring, I'd personally rip the head off the manufacturer." He explained. "I would offer you some milk or juice, but all that's back at my place. Separate work from life while you can. Trust me … the line blurs after a few centuries."
"...Tea would be fine." The girl sighed. "Sorry about ... the screaming, it's been a confusing day."
"Course, course. Tell Ozzie all about it, little horny grape."
"... Well it's not mittens." The girl grumbled. "I just need to find my friends, then we can figure out the rest … at least, the ones that are down here … Lucci and Boscha are for sure down here at least."
"Bad friends?"
"No, just immoral ones… although that hasn't exactly meant anything lately." She groaned. "We accidently released some immortal star child called the Collector because an old witch hunter tried to genocide the demon realm."
"Ah, that old nugget." He nodded as he handed her the tea. "I've seen quite a few witch hunters in Pride during the 1800s, most of them were just bigots who couldn't handle that their wives were into clams rather than sausages, if you know what I mean."
"Is liking the same gender really that big of a deal on earth?" The girl asked.
"You have no fucking idea." He rolled his eyes. "So, some succubus open a portal by accident and get you sent down here?"
"Succu-what?" She blinked.
"... You are aware you're in hell, right?" He questioned.
"Yeah, an alternate dimensional hell where me and my friends are creatures of the underworld, my girlfriend is dating a bully, and I'm dating a brother figure."
"...Magic bullshit?"
"A little."
"Christ on a stick, no wonder the girls thought you were loco." He grumbled. "Okay, so good news, you're not in another dimension."
"Oh thank titan, I'm not in another dimension." The girl sighed in relief. "I'm just dead."
"Yeah… about that.." He shrank down to her level, and put a finger on her neck. "Just as I thought, you still have a pulse."
"... And?"
"And that means you're still alive."
"I am?" She asked, before smiling. "Great! Now I just need to figure out if any of my friends ended up here, and portal myself back!"
"You are taking this very easy." He noted. "You sure only one cup of tea's gonna calm those nerves?"
"Sorry, Mr… ah.. Fire bird.."
"Asmodeus, but you can call me Ozzie." He nodded.
"Right, Sorry Mr. Ozzie, but this is the LEAST stressful thing I've ever been a part of." The girl explained. "I've had to repress any positive feelings of any kind for ten years due to my strict mother and uncaring dad, cut off well meaning relationships with my best friends, hold in my anger for my brother and sister who did nothing but torment me, listen to an old bitch of a mentor cause I assumed she would help me reconnect with ONE of those old friendships, and then hate, then love, then hate to love the most beautiful and obvious girl in the universe because she's be through so much guilt and trauma that the idea of someone like me ever liking her back was a foreign concept to her, a problem I'm STILL trying to deal with because those emotional scars run deep!!!!"
He took a sip of tea. "Feel better gettin that off ya chest?"
"...A little, yes." She nodded.
"Good." He patted her on the head. "You know.." He gave her one of his framed pictures of Fizz. "My lover and I… we've been private for quite some time. Sure, people knew we hooked up.. But no one knew it was intimate." He explained. "Everyone knew we were 'together'.. But not…emotionally if you catch my drift."
"So they knew you were boyfriends, but not having sex?"
"No, they knew we were having sex, but didn't know we were boyfriends." He explained. "It's a bit of a taboo to be in love in the lust ring, especially with 'lower class'." Ozzie rolled his eyes. "Sure, I'm the ruler of it, but being a Sin, it comes with caveats. You rule only by the respect you command, and to openly support Fizzie… well, that's basically signing away control." He grinned. "But.. not too long ago, my Fizzie was in a bad place.. He didn't think he was good enough ... he thought he had to please some asshole in order to believe his life was worth something, so he lived up to THEIR standards and ripped his own soul apart over it.."
"... You should've thrown it all away." She muttered. "I learned it the hard way."
"Trust me… I did it in a heartbeat." Ozzie grinned. "Announced it all over hell… so now it's a waiting game… whether or not I stay king of lust.. Well.. that's not my concern… what matters is that Fizzie's safe, and comfortable." He turned to her. "That's what you want for your little sweet heart?"
"Yes.. more than anything yes." The girl nodded. "I want to hold her in my arms and tell her she's the most valuable thing in my universe. I want to wake up every morning next to her and make food I don't know how to make just to see her smile. I want to know she's around just by the smell of her sweat, which she does a lot because she's always running…But … the world doesn't seem to want her happy … and neither does she."
"... It's hard, when they feel like they have to live up to something, when just bein there is enough." He sighed. "It hurts to watch them break down."
"It is.." She sighed. "...You know, you're the first adult I could ever really say any of this too."
"It's funny to be called an 'adult' when I'm as old as earth itself." He chuckled.
"What are you then, a titan?" She asked. "A god?"
"There's a lot of names.. The only one that matters… is sin." He grinned. "I am, the sin of Lust. Every lustful desire, ever elongated stare you have, every interest you take in… it's all me, baby."
"Then wouldn't you be the metaphysical desire of every living being in the demon realm AND the human realm, thus older than even earth?"
"You're assuming that lust existed BEFORE life came into being anywhere." He noted. "Not the case, little grape. The moment humans started seeing more than they needed to, that's when I came into being."
"Oh, so you're not the physical manifestation of the instinctual need for reproduction, but the negative continuity of wanting pleasure that comes beyond the need of reproduction." She muttered.
"You're a smart little grape aren't you?" He asked with a smirk.
"Some good had to come out of my misery." She chuckled. "My name's Amity, by the way."
"Well then, Amity, why don't we get you dressed up for your sweetheart before you meet back up?" He offered. "I offer a wide variety of ... tantalizing, and tasteful, outfits."
"Tasteful please, I'd rather not look like a hooker." Haha, funny girl.
=======================================================================
Mammon groaned. "Glitz and Glam are good and sexy, but that isn't selling NEARLY as much as Fizzy did." The man was spectacular at his craft, there were still so many years to ring the fucker dry of talent …and he threw it all the FUCK away on a fucking whim!? And for what!? Too smooze it with Ozzie in public!? What was wrong with doing it privately! Everything was easier! It was easy to blackmail the roasted chicken over, and now he didn't have that to control the fucking bird!
That wasn't even going into the fact that.. Ozzie may or may have not overestimated just how loved Fizzololi was. Sure, he was MOSTLY bluffing about replacing him, cause in all honesty, replacing the face of his brand for the last ten years was no easy feat. People still expected Fizzie bots, fizzie loli's, and fizzi dildo's to suck on till their teeth rotted out.
Now he couldn't do it, cause Fizzie no longer worked for him. That meant that so many bots and products needed to stop being sold so he could promote new ones, which just cost MUCH more money! Fuckin vicious cycles. "I need to motivate the two bitches to step up their game." Be even MORE marketable …maybe.. Doing all of their shows naked and only wearing whip cream, that made people REALLY horny, and sex really selled … although they weren't as flexible as Fizzie… wait, maybe he could give them the robo treatment … no, that meant talking to Ozzie, and that wasn't happening anytime soon.
Was there anyone else as technologically advanced enough he could get robo limbs from? Levi … nah, her right head was still mad at him for skipping out on the bill. Fuckin hell, why the shit was this HIS problem!? "I just wanna make money, what's wrong with that?" It was like he was living in hell or something, everyone wanted to screw him over!
He needed some kind of cheap gimmick to start getting people's attention back, a sort of hook for people to keep their eyes on him! Something fun, and would take their minds off how much 'pollution' was clogging up the shithole of a city … something of pure, marketable, entertainment.
Shink
Shink
Fwooosh
"AHHHH! THIS CRAZY BITCH IS KILLING ME!" A loan shark shouted as a blood trail was following him… before a pink glove stretched out and grabbed him. "MOOMMMMMMY!"
"Crazy bitch eh… ooh, maybe I can trademark it, and charge people triple the amount for using it!" That was just good business sense.
He watched around the corner, seeing … honestly, it looked right out of that Mickey Mouse thing a while back, except rebranded into Ezekiel Elephant. "All I want for you is to take me to Lucci, why is that so hard to understand!?" The pink woman screamed, her enlarged fist punching him into the ground.
"Oooh, rubberhose, nice." He grinned. Alright, this caught his attention,now let's see if the little bitch could keep it.
"For the last time, calm the fuck down, you rubber hosed loon!" A tiny imp fucker called out as the lady grabbed him by the tai, and began using him like a yo-yo."
"Don't try to talk me down, I know exactly what your game is!" Oooh, and singing, singing was essential to entertainment."You think I'm nothing but a burden to you."
"I don't even KNOW you!"
"Well now just look at me,I won't just fall to your schemes!" Self aware? Would she recognize a scam? "I'm broken, I'm torn-apart, I can't be fixed But you know the one thing I won't miss?" She smirked widely.
"Can you just.. Let me the fuck go-"
"NO!" She turned her legs into springs and squashed a couple of hell hounds.
"Lucifer Clawthorne, the best friend I ever had! Sent away by some crazy Pearl his mom kept! Like tool! A liar, a toy, she played me for a fool!" Hm.. seemed to have a repeated history of getting fooled… sometimes that made people more stupid, and thus, more controllable. "To cut right to the end!"
She blew air into her thumb, and inflated her right foot into a giant. Oooh, inflation, that was a kink he hadn't exploited yet! "Well NO! I won't let you get the last laugh, you've really done it now!" She smacked a loan shark flat, before grabbing a man. "You're sick, you're twisted, just too good to be true … But now …" She stuck her hand in his throat. "I'll make you pay!"
Splat
And grew it inside of his stomach, before laughing as she skipped. "Psychotic, playful, stretching…. It's like she's a loving toy.." And she didn't even need robot part!
"I'm useless! A toy! We get it already! I know exactly what you're thinking!" She shouted to an incubus and hellhound. "All I am is nothing but disposable to you two!"
"We just want you out of our fucking way!"
That made the pink little bugger spin around in a little tornado, swinging the two fuckers around. "I'll destroy your planet! I'll take out all your friends!" She exclaimed with a laugh. "Maybe then you'll finally know, What it's like to feel suffering and pain … and being all alone!"
Lonely.. Lonely meant desperate, desperate meant easy.. Easy meant easy money! "You don't know how it feels! You don't know my pain!" Didn't mean he couldn't fake it. "So don't say that you do!" Dang it. "I'm tired of all that you say, I'm sick of always playing along! So now …" She stretched. "I'll make you pay!"
Okay, so if he was going to make this work… he needed to bulldoze his way through it. Simple pleasantries wouldn't work. "Fool me once, fool me twice, don't play me for a third! I won't let you out alive! I'm done with your 'good nature', so shut your stupid trap!"
"But I didn't say-"
"And watch your planet die!" She slammed them through a wall. "It's my revenge! It's my time to try! For a happy ending of my own! Here in this rotten garden! Let's play again! And this time …" Her smile was wide… joyful….infectious. "I'll get to win….I'll get to win!" A small audience that was spectating clapped, even throwing away perfectly good money at her. "I don't want your money, I want Lucifer!" … Now he was in love.
"Hello there little one." Mammon smirked, getting in close. "I couldn't help overhear you mention Lucifer? He's an old pal of mine."
"Oh really?" The pink one raised an eye brow ... or just eye, it grew to oversized comical levels. "Does this lucifer you're talking about like to sing?"
"Incessantly." He noted. "So much singing. Not to mention how lovey dovey he gets around his girl."
"Hm … does he prefect bitter to sweet?"
"Sour apples over chocolate anyday." Man had weird tastes.
"Hm… you could be telling the truth." The stretch girl patted her foot. "Alright, Mistah tall, green, and spidery, whatsa catch here?"
"A smartie, I called it." He smirked. "I can see it in your eyes, you're an entertainer, right?"
"Was born for it."
"Perfect! You see … I had an entertainer once. And he was great … but he 'honk'in left me!" Mammon put on the tears. "He left me ... he abandoned me … for … for ... for … other … friends!.. My best friend… my only friend…and he ditched me like dirt 'honk'ed over by cheese!"
"Gasp! You poor dear, I can't imagine someone abandoning a friend like that … well, I can. But the woman turned into her son, so I can't kill her and everyone she loved." She sighed.
"Now how am I supposed to help everyone be happy and smile with no entertainer?" He questioned. "Just how? Then I saw your lovely little show and was blown the 'honk' away! You get what I'm asking?"
"....No, not really. And what's with the honks?" She asked. "You're clearly just saying fu-"
"Sorry, trying to be kid friendly, kid friendly means more smiles for everyone!" He zipped her mouth.
She blinked, pulling it open. "How did ya do that?"
"I'll teach you how to do it, along with showing you Lucifer … if you agree to be my entertainer for the entire ring of greed."
"Hm.. doesn't sound too different from being on homeworld, and I was happy there.." She muttered. "..What're my benefits?"
"Anyone that touches you without compensation gets beat up." He smirked. Cause no touch was free.
"Hm… I need to see some personal examples."
"Course, course, follow your uncle Mammon around, and I'll show you the wonders of greed!
=======================================================================
Charlie would have to admit ... the last four months or so have been a bit ... overwhelming for her. Getting her hotel up and running was still a process, and that was discounting the time limit Adam put on her. Adding on the fact no one else had joined her staff other than Pentious (which was not a knock against Pentious, he was such a sweetheart, and even more workable as a patron than Angel Dust ... Not the Angel was bad, but he was ... difficult … agh, tangent was going on too long), it was really, really stress inducing in the long term.
"And after that, we learned Pearl had been the one responsible for destroying the portal door." Luz finished narrating her … very … very dark tale. "Lucci punched her in the gem over and over trying to kill her … there was a red explosion from the glyphs, laughing … and then I died, ending up in hell like the rotten person I am." She took a bite of ice cream. "... How does ice cream taste this good in hell? Wouldn't the point be to make it taste bad?"
"Hell is less 'burn people with brimstone' and more 'let people torture each other because they're all terrible'." Not that she believed it.
"Oh, so like the Good Place?"
"...This is the bad place."
"No, it's this tv show." She explained. "Demons got bored of the same torture methods over and over, so their solution was to fake a good place and have the humans torture each other with constant lies and trying to fit into the 'good' situations."
"Nifty, take notes!" Alastor exclaimed. "Fake, Heaven. The picture box might actually prove useful for a change!"
"Alastor, I swear to Satan I will throw you through a wall!" Charlie shouted.
"Not in this universe you wont!"
"...No, but ... I will paint a picture about it … along with a detailed letter!" She screamed.
"Why don't you throw him through a wall?" The girl asked.
"Because he's legitimately the most help I've gotten since starting my hotel ... and I don't believe in violence." She sighed.
"I mean my friends throw each other through walls all the time." Luz shrugged. "Although the violence thing is more along the lines of Vee."
"... She's alright …" She turned to Ivan, who stared up at the ceiling. "She made it out okay …"
"Yeah, she's lived her whole life with a family of her own, they watch over her.. She even has a girlfriend ... and an ebonyfriend … that last one's kind of shaky." The girl explained. "But she is happy… not that you deserve to know."
"...For the record ... I never meant to harm your friend."
"No, you just turned her into a weapon." Luz glared. "She was struggling enough to hold back impulses, and you pushed her over a line." She sniffed. "..And ... and I couldn't protect her when she got out … and .. " The girl took out what looked like a wooden egg covered in crystals. "..This is all that's left of her."
"..It's beautiful.." Charlie gasped at it. "You made it yourself?"
"Yep … supposed to be a palisman egg." She explained. "I figured it would be a memento … but they never hatched … another problem to the list." Luz sighed as she hugged it. "Everytime I try to fix something.. It gets worse. I.. I don't even know why I'm trying so hard anymore…"
"Because you know it's the right thing to do." Charlie parted her hair out of her eyes. "No matter the circumstances, that's always going to be worth pursuing." She grinned. "In fact, it's the goal of this hotel. To redeem sinners, and send them up to heaven."
"Really?" Luz asked. "And it works?"
"..Well.."
"Actually, we have no evidence it does, and suggesting it caused the annual extermination night of heaven slaughtering demons to become every six months." Alastor appeared right in front of them from his shadows.
"..What?"
"ALASTOR!?"
"I'm only being brutally honest with the young lady, Princess Charlotte, unless you planned on lying to her about her living conditions."
"I planned on easing her into it!" She exclaimed. "And we still have no evidence it's impossible per say."
"... Like how there was no evidence that I couldn't be a witch…. " That only seemed to make Luz more depressed. "..It's.. it's really all hopeless, isn't it..?
"No/Completely!"She and Alastor shouted at the same time.
"Stop talking already!" Vaggie shouted, aiming her spear.
"Besssidesss, all can usssse magic down here." Pentious offered.
"Really?" Luz blinked
"Yessss … if they own ssssoulssss." Pentious nodded. "It's how I've been able to craft my Egg Bois."
"Howdie!" One of the little guys waved to the girl.
"Hello!"
"The great turtle from beyond will crack his shell, and the universe will implode into a new beginning!"
"..." Luz turned to the snake.
"I don't know where they get their crazy sssssstoriessss, I make them, I don't make them talk."
"Nine eleven was a scam by the illuminati who needed the lizard people to flee the planet!"
"It's like Ronaldo as a species." She shivered. "Or Jacob … when he wasn't possessed by Belos… oh god, I hope I don't see him here, then this would really be hell."
"But it is though." Nifty blinked in confusion.
"She's new, give her like, a month before the hell doubts officially stop." Angel Dust waved off.
"Look, Luz, I know you're having a hard time adjusting right now, and it's really, REALLY scary … but trust me when I say ... we're going to be here for you." Charlie placed a hand on her shoulder. "And we're not going anywhere anytime soon."
"Yeah, where we suppose to go? Detroit?" Angel dust rolled his eyes. "Besides, it's either live rent free here, or get your soul taken by people like smiles over here."
"I would treat you just like family. Smiles and screams." She glared at Alastor, who merely waved.
"..Well, I will say one thing ... this feels less like hell and more like a group home." Luz muttered.
"I'll take it!" Charlie smiled brightly.
"... Anyone else seeing rainbows?"
"It's normal." Husk muttered as he took a drink. "Be lucky she isn't singing."
"Oooh, that reminds me!" She grinned as she cleared her throat. "Ahem… "I have a dream, I'm here to tell-"
BOOOM
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Pentious shouted. "MAN THE SSSSSSSTATIONS, GATHER THE CANNONSSSSSSS, EGGBOI'SSSSS, GET THE SSSSSSSKIN FLAYER!"
"Yay, we get to use the raygun!"
"I hope it hits me!"
"Aw, but it never hits me!"
"Stars are really lasers traveling for millions of years in the void of space!"
"Okay … let's get this over with." Luz stood up and grabbed her sword.
"Hold on, hold on, we don't know if we're being under attack.." Charlie spoke up. "It could be a greeting firework party."
"... She is a special brand of naive, isn't she?" Luz asked bluntly.
"I know, it's genuinely hilarious to watch."
"Eh, you don't need to get involved." Angel Dust shrugged. "The wall still isn't blown up. That means it's not us being attacked."
"No, but there's a lot of pink smoke outside.. Ooh, and pink fire, and pink lights.. And pink lion things.." Nifty stared out the door.
"Pink …" Luz ran to the door, opening it up. "Lucci!"
"What the … LUZ!" A voice exclaimed, before a pink blur tackled Luz into the couch. "Luz, you're here … you're here." A boy with pink fur blinked. "You're here-HOW THE HELL ARE YOU HERE!?"
"..I mean, you kind of just answered your own question, we're in hell."
"Yeah, and you should be in heaven! I mean, not that I don't WANT you down here, cause so far hell is the best place in the multiverse, but you're a good person!" He exclaimed.
"You don't need to comfort me with your lies, it's literally too late for that." The girl sighed.
"..Yeesh, the self esteem on this one's lower than Pentious's." Vaggie muttered.
"You have noooo idea." The pink boy muttered. "Got worse when a bird nosed bitch got involved …" He turned to Charlie. "Lucifer Clawthorne." He waved.
"....You're actually named after the devil?"
"My mom told me it meant lightbringer growing up." The boy explained.
"...I mean, that's not UNTRUE.."
"Lucci, meet Charlie." Luz pointed. "The daughter of Lucifer Morningstar."
"Ooooh, so you're the daughter of the most evil being in the universe?" The boy asked.
"Nope. Turns out that's humanity, and the woman is Vee levels of naive."
"Ah, that makes more sense. Humanity does suck, you're an exception." The boy muttered."So, I'm in the middle of a blow out with an imp guy with a cyclops arsonist that is making me feel weird things. I don't hate it, just weird. I'm gonna go murder him and then we can catch up, cool?"
"Cool."
"No, no, not cool, NOT cool!" Charlie shouted.
"Thanks, stay safe Luz, and if you see Pearl, feel free to kill her." He nodded as he shifted.. Into a manticore, and smashed through the wall. "Round two you terrible joke telling clown!"
Charlie turned to the girl. "..That doesn't concern you at all?"
"Nah, he's been building this up for a while, can't release his anger on earth without risking serious casualties. Best to let him blow steam." Luz waved off. "Besides, this is hell. What's gonna happen if someone dies? Double hell?"
"The chica raises a fair point." Angel Dust shrugged.
"..I hate you." Vaggie glared at the spider.
"Felling the love, Vagina, feeling the love."
=======================================================================
Rosie looked over the girl. "Now, why don't you tell Rosie what's hurtin your noggin dearie?" It always hurt to watch a little girl end up in hell. So much before their time, so much time to make different choices.
"... Well for starters, I'm in hell." The girl said flatly.
"I mean besides that, little flower. There's no need to be sardonic with me, sweetie." She gave a small frown.
"Sorry, sorry, it just … helps me cope." She looked down. "The jokes between my friends … you kind of need it after losing your home … and almost dying … again and again." The girl sighed. ".. It's not like death is something we're not used to.. It's just…we joke about it coming.. And then.. It comes…feels like.. We could've taken it more seriously….. There's so much that I should've taken more seriously.."
"Regrets, everyone's got em." She admitting, sipping her blood tea. "Should've said I love you, should have spent more time with my friends, should've learned to play the flute, always somethin." She nodded. "But is that all that's making you wilt you little head?"
"..No, there's more." the girl groaned. "I just got into a grove of proving my strength, I was confident.. For the first time in so many years, I was proud of who I am and what I am… I felt good just being me… but.. It's like.. It all got ripped out of my hands…having control of.. Anything in my life.."
"Control is what we make of it darlin." Rosie assured. "Control of emotions, our talents, our financial stability. Life is chaos, not everything needs perfection. It just asks that you do right by those who do you right."
"Isn't that kind of late for someone who's in hell already?"
"I'd like to think of it as an extended second chance." She grinned as she waved around her neighborhood. "How you think I've made everything so peaceful around here?"
"… How did you do that?" She asked.
"Perseverance, a nice attitude, and a little haggling." She smirked. "And now all us outcasts of Earth's society come down here to feast on flesh … along with the occasional demon realm resident. You know you guys are quite rare."
"Really?" She blinked. "You'd think most of them would end up down here… then again, most of them don't believe in the afterlife, least the afterlife like this.." The girl looked around. "Maybe it's because most of them end up ghosts for oracle users.."
"Now, I'll get you set up with a nice apartment till you can get on your feet, if you're willing to do chores. And if you need anything, just let your Auntie Rosie know, okay?" She gave a wide smile.
"..Why are you so helpful?" She asked.
"It's just my purpose, you know?" Rose grinned. "Maybe it's because of the simpler time I grew up in, but I like getting people back up on their feet. Sure, I like feasting on human flesh, but everyone has a flaw. That's how we end up down here. And we can either make that flaw our entire being.. Or we can turn that flaw into a strength."
"...Turning flaws into strength.." The girl blinked.
"Yeah, like how I take cravings of flesh into a connected thread of comradery. For a little flower like you who feels like she's losing control.. Well, think of it as a chance to regrow your roots, and plant yourself on an even stronger soil."
"Regrow my roots…" She muttered.
BOOOOM
A fire just within close walking distance of her city's borders could be shown. "Of course, flames." Willow groaned.
"Excuse me for just a moment darling." She patted the girl on the head. "Auntie Rosie's got this." The overlord stood up, calmly walking over to the flames as the fire marshal quickly got his little squad in order.
"Alright, let's see if your little invincible body can handle the classic method of CAR BATTERY ON YOUR NIPPLES!" A crude sounding tall-ish imp shouted at a little boy with pink fur all over his body.
"I'm shock proof asshole!" The pink boy exclaimed, slamming a pink wall into the red guy. "So far you've done nothing but piss me off, and if that's your goal, congrats!"
"I mean, the firecracker has a point." A cyclops sinner with a lit bomb in her hands tossed it up and down. "You're kind of just doing the same thing over and over again."
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" The imp shouted as he took out a cannon full of knives, swords, and a few phallic looking objects that Rosie was not comfortable describing.
Time to end this. "Hey, you three, keep the fighting off my turf, will ya?" She asked.
"And who-oh shit." The imp's eyes widened.
"Right away Rosie, sorry for the trouble!" The cyclops saluted, quickly extinguishing her own bomb. "We'll get right outa your hair!"
"..Is this someone's mom or something?" The boy asked. "Cause that's the only explanation for the fight dying down so quickly."
"Name's Rosie darlin." She gave a full toothed grin. "Overlord of the Cannibal Colony."
"Oooh, that means there might be something edible here." He smiled, turning the the arsonist. "Take five, I'm hungry."
"Yeah, yeah.. I'm just going to.. Get the fuck away from here, hope you survive!" The cyclops shouted as she ran out.
"Right behind you bitch!" The imp called out.
"Weird." The boy shrugged as he looked behind her, spotting the girl. "Willow?"
"Lucci?" She blinked.
"Willow!" He smiled, hugging her tightly. "Welcome to hell, best place I've ever seen right behind home!"
"..Of course you think so." The girl groaned. "First of all, glad you're safe."
"Thank you."
"Second of all." The girl slugged the boy in the face.
"Ow!"
"That's for getting us sent here in the FIRST place!"
"How was I supposed to know killing Pearl would kill us all!?" He shouted. "I was just the first one to throw that punch, I know you were itching just as much as I was!"
"Well ... yeah, but I need someone to blame!" Willow shouted.
"Well geez, GLAD I could be the punching bag!" He sarcastically called back. "Also I don't know why, but for some reason Luz is here."
"Seriously?" Willow blinked.
"Yeah, it has NOT done wonders for her self esteem for the looks of it." He nodded. "Right now I'm taking a lunch break, then going back to fighting that weird imp guy who seems to just like shooting me for some reason, then try and console her with a musical number."
"Oooh, sounds lovely." Rosie clapped.
"See, even the people here like my music unlike home. I swear, if Mom was here, I'd never leave." The boy grinned.
"Well, we're never leaving considering we're already here." The girl grumbled.
"Oh yeah … maybe a soul message in about a week or so, like a post card." The boy mused. "So, you know any good places to eat around here, I'm starving."
"Rosie's a good cook." Willow nodded.
"Oh I just try my best." She chuckled. "Brain muffin?" She offered.
"Oooh, squishy and soft." The boy chucked it in his mouth. "Wow.. that's way better than anything on earth." Man, children these days were so cultured.
=======================================================================
Millie kept playing around with the weird little birdie. "Heheh, never seen an earth bird up close.. Almost reminds me of the hellrosters back at the farm." The bird pecked at her fingers. "Yep, cept this one's beak aint sharp enough to pick apart the flesh, it's almost like little kisses." Tickled.
"Chirp chirp!"
"Either I'm not dead and they show me the way out, or I'm dead and I survive whatever they do to me Flapjack." The tot told the bird. "It's not like we have other options!"
"Chirp!"
"We've dealt with Clawthorne for the last few months, and I was the golden guard, I can handle the smell of death!"
"Chirp!"
"I know it's traumatizing, but I can't do anything about it now!"
"Don't worry kiddo." She ruffled his head. "After a few weeks, you start cravin' death and blood. It's quite refreshing."
"She doesn't mean that … too much…" Moxie chuckled weakly. "It really is a simple matter really. Our employer has access to the living world, we just get him to open a portal, and you and your fine feathered compatriot will be out of here."
"And your employer is …"
"Emotionally in a bad place." Millie winced. "Broke up with his boyfriend. But it's fine. He's still toughin' it out."
BOOM
"I will die on this hill! You do not destroy a man's favorite sub shop!" Blitz's voice called out.
"..Oh for the love of Satan, of course he's doing this." Moxxie grumbled.
"Bad friend who constantly makes terrible choices?" Hunter asked.
"How'd you know?"
"And I will pummel you into the ground, you petty little jerk!" Another voice called out as a pink flash went off
"That's mine." The tot groaned.
"Does yours make big choices for the entire group that no one's agreed with yet forced to go along with?" Moxxie asked.
"Uh huh."
"Bring out a lot of drama from who they're shacking up with?" Millie asked
"So much argument and infighting."
"Terrible at lying and they obviously wear their emotions on their sleeves yet refuse to show them outside of destructive bursts of anger?" Moxie added.
"Don't I know it." They groaned, walking around the corner. "Clawthorne, can it!"
"Oh shit, Hunter!" A boy with pink fur smiled … making a buzz saw out of the air. "Now that we're dead, I have zero excuse to NOT do this!"
"Clawthorne, we're not dead-fuck-he's not listening!" The boy shouted as he ducked under the swirling pink weapon.
"You're not dead, kid!" Moxxie shouted. "This is our boss's fault!"
"… You know what, it is." Blitz nodded.
"… Really?" Millie blinked.
"Yes. I should have been there if you were Moxxie were planning to adopt. Now you're stuck with an ugly child!"
"..Ugly…" That made the tot frown.
"Hey, Boss man, not cool, apologize!" Millie shouted.
"Just calling it how I'm seeing it Mills! Just because Mox can't dish it out doesn't mean he can't settle."
"I mean, he isn't wrong." The pink boy snickered … before he started flickering with a pained grunt. "Oookay, this is a new one." The pink boy blinked.
"Since when do you malfunction this hard, Clawthorne?" Hunter asked.
"I don't malfunction asshol-aggg!" The boy's body shifted up and down, like it was constantly getting inflated and deflated with air in several random parts of his body.
"Yeesh, looks like that 'invincible body' is finally breaking down." Blitz smirked, pulling out a shotgun. "Now how about I send you to double-" A bomb landed at his feet. "Oh hell."
BOOM
He was sent flying as a one eyed cyclops walked over to the pink boy. "You Lucci, you breathing?"
"Yeah…no.. Maybe…" The hairy kid grumbled. "I thought we weren't suppose.. To feel pain… when we died…"
"Nope, if anything, the pain increases." The cyclops nodded.
"While a terrifying notion, and kind of funny from my point of view.." Hunter snickered. "Clawthorne, we're not dead ... or at least, I'm not. Is your heart still beating?"
"I dunno, it's been stabbed enough I'd be surprised if it still was." He muttered.
"Hsss."
"Nevermind, Sugar says yes."
"Then you're alive." Moxxie spoke up. "Which means we can get Blitz to portal you back-"
Bang Bang Bang
And he was shooting again. "Come on gang, drinks are on me if you help me put this bitch down!"
Mox grumbled under his breath. "Sir, stop this mayhem this instant or you can forget any notion of ever having a three way!"
"..Wait, you're saying there's actually a chance-" That made the pink child punch their boss in the face.
"Say goodnight, punk!" He held him by the throat, pulling out that pink saw blade.
"Hold on there partner, calm down on the killin instinct." Millie called out. "Our boss is a mess, but he's a necessary mess."
He stared at them. "And I care about that because …"
"Because he can get us out of hell." Hunter deadpanned.
"Oh cool. You guys set that up, I'll let Willow and Luz know, then we can go look for the others." He smiled, dropping the man and walking off with a whistle.
"Yeah.. yeah you better.. Better… run…" The tall imp muttered. "Well.. well done gang… now.. What was that about my threeway?"
"You're opening a portal and getting the kids home." Millie said firmly. "Then we'll talk."
"Three way what exactly?" Hunter asked.
"You don't want to know." Moxie grumbled.
=======================================================================
Vevette smirked as she talked with the girl. "So, the demon realm got taken over by a kid of all things?" A bit of a weird story, but hell was open to every fucker who did wrong. It was just hard to tell what was real and what was bullshit. Heck, she was trying to be a witch while she was alive.. Most of that involved crafting poisons, but that was beside the point.
"Yeah, and believe me, I would've put all the blame on Luz, but my boyfriend told me she was 'suffering enough'. I don't think she is, but I am not about to get into an argument about it." The girl, Boscha, rolled her eyes. A genuine surprise as Velve was strolling for suckers to take advantage of. Someone who definitely wasn't bad looking, young, which meant usable for a LONG time, and with a beautiful fiery temper to boot.
"Gah, boys. Can hardly tell what's going on through their head, and they claim the same thing." She groaned as she slid over the drinks. "Mind the taste, hell beverages are a lot more exotic than you're used to."
"I'll be the judge of that. I've been living of pancakes and Pizza the last few months." The triclops took a sip. "Whoa, that almost tastes like it could come from the demon realm." She took a longer sip. "Wow, you know how to mix a drink."
"Course I do. It's all bloody chemistry, and that's what I excel in, that and fashion design." She snickered.
"Yeah.. and you're also in charge of all the social media in hell too?" The girl inquired.
"Not ALL of, but the cornerstone of it, pretty much." Velve explained. "Hell is constantly behind when it comes to trends, as hell is always a reflection of the people that rule it. And most of them are really old farts who don't like the concept of progress. Bleeding cowards the lot of them." She grumbled. "But, that all started to change with the collaboration of three specific demons. There's Vox.." She pulled up a screen of the flat faced blue ball tv man. "Valentino …" She showed off a magazine of a man leaning over Angel Dust. "And yours truly, Velvette." She smirked. "We're the Vs."
"You guys linked up your names, nice." The girl smiled as she sipped more of her drink. "Was it coincidence or did one of you do a name change?"
"The eternal mystery." She snickered. "That's why I'm so interested in how the normal world's doing. Keeping up with new trends to draw everyone in …" She pressed a finger on Boscha's shoulder. "Like a spider to a web."
"..Right.." Boscha blushed as she scooted just a little ways back. "And the three of you.. Rule hell?"
"Practically." She grinned. "Technically, Overlords are not an official title, but since we're confined to pride as sinners, and the king of hell doesn't give two shits about actually running the blood joint, that leaves a lot of space for demons like me. We OWN souls up in the millions. It's like money, except the more you have, the more power you gain." She explained.
"Own … souls?" They asked, the flush remaining despite worry in her voice … looked like it kicked in.
"Oh don't make it sound so bad. It's basically eternal servitude with payment. Everybody's forced to keep up their end of the bargain, be it payment or giving them tastes of power, in return for tasks or other services." Velvette explained, idly flicking at her bra strap.
"..Other… other services…" The voice began to slur.
"Yeah.. Valentino happens to be the largest media producer and director in hell.. Award winning adult films, if you catch on to what I mean." She snickered.
"I … I feel weird." Boscha muttered.
"Don't worry about it, baby, that's just my special cocktail kicking in."
"Special …" She looked down. "Shit … sleep potion …"
"Worse …" Velvette held the girl's chin, knowing it was kicking up the most pleasurable static. "Love potion." She gave the girl's cheek a little lick. "I saw that spark inside of you, and decided I needed to snatch it up before it could go to anyone else."
"F…ffff…" The girl slurred. "..ffffffffuck you…"
"Don't worry, I'm gonna be a little more generous than usual … I normally just take souls for free after a one night stand, when they're too horny to say or think no. But you're magically inclined enough that I could ring a good bit of information. So, a minimum wage job, a lab to sleep in … and one night of passion in return for giving me anything I want, for eternity." She pulled out the contract. "If you say no …" She pulled away her touch, knowing it would cause the most intense void to fill in their gut.
"Fuuuuucccckk!" The girl whirled over, clutching her stomach.
"Yeah, fun fact, that feeling you have… it's going to last forever….. Unless you do what I say.. I'm the only cure you're going to have." She cupped the girl's face. "And because I'm such a nice lady.. I'm gonna let you sit on this feeling for the next few hours, be smart, make good choices, sweetie." She walked away.
"Nooo … please …. no-" And Velvette magically locked up the room.
"Now, what to do for dinner?" She was not in a Chinese mood … Mexican maybe? Greek, it was low in fat.
=======================================================================
Gus was in hell, his friends were lost in this large large landscape, and Emilen was down for the count. Plus side, the two girls he was with seemed nice. "How is it that food actually tastes good down here?" He asked as he took a bite of ice cream. "You'd think the hell version of ice cream would be on fire or be crawling with spiders or something."
"Hell is less 'place torture you' and more 'people torture each other'." Odette explained. "Especially since we're immortal for the most part, so there's no rules against killing … or rules at all."
"Adding onto that, no matter how many people argue with each other, they can agree that life should at least be somewhat comfortable, if only for themselves." Clara went on. "That includes indulging in the gluttonous appetites in their lives, or embracing their greediness and gaining all the money in the world. Hence, halfway decent food shops."
"Mmm." He nodded as he took another lick. "So is it like, rude to ask-"
"If it's how you died, that tends to be super private." Clara nodded.
"Right, got it ... but you guys were human before, right?" He asked.
"Yeah, we're sinners." Odette nodded. "Although we didn't look as normal as you when we got down here."
"I look normal?" Gus questioned.
"Yeah. No red eyes, animal traits, or skin tones." Clara pointed. "If it wasn't for the pointy ears, you'd look human."
"Well, I am a witch, the pointy ears are just part of the set."
"..Wait, you're saying you had the pointy ears BEFORE you came down here?" Odette asked.
"Yeah." He nodded. "I'm from the demon realm. It's a really different place from earth. You two would actually be pretty normal by their standards."
"Pfft, normal." Clara muttered with a snicker. "Does an arms dealer of highly dangerous weapons count as normal to you?"
"..Actually yes." Gus nodded. "Our national leaders were planning on mass genocide for self gain, and one of my friends's family works in arms dealing."
"Sounds like hell in of itself." Odette snickered.
"For some people it was… but one person's hell is another persons home." Lucci and Vee were prime examples of that one. "Surprised I haven't heard more explosions. Maybe Lucci survived the blast after all." He was pretty durable.
"Eh, Hell's a big place, there's usually a gang war happening every other week." Clara shrugged. "They've been getting worse lately though due to the extermination date getting a six month announcement instead of a full year."
"Extermination?" He asked.
"It's when heaven comes to hell to slaughter demons to avoid overpopulation and weaken our hopes of rebellion." Odette nodded. "And when they do the deed.. You don't come back from it, no double hell, no reincarnation, you don't pass go and collect 200 dollars, you're forever just… nothing."
"...And that happens… every year now?" Gus gulped.
"Yep.. well, now it's going to be twice a year probably, so yeah, kind of a bad time to be dead." Clara nodded.
Well, any prospects of ever sleeping soundly here just went out the window. "....And.. and there's NO way out of hell, like ... not even as a ghost?"
"Pfft, ghost." Odette snickered. "Nope, everyone's pretty much content with living their last days here… well, unless you're delusional and believe you can redeem your soul and get to heaven."
"Not the worst possibility." He nodded. "My friends are pretty delusional, but they manage to pull through when you least expect it."
"… So …" Odette looked off into the streets. "Since you're new, how about you crash at our place, for your own safety?"
Well, it didn't look like he had any better options. "That sounds-"
BOOOOM
"GAAAAH!" That sounded like Lucci screaming.
"Clawthorne, get ahold of yourself!" And that was the unmistakable annoyance of Hunter.
"Hunter, Lucci!" He shouted out.
"Gus, that you!?" Willow shouted.
"WILLOW!" He shouted as he started running towards the source. "Thanks for the help Clara and Odette, I'll try to find you when we're all settled down!"
"Just don't be dead the next time we see you!"
"Already am!" He laughed as he ran the corner. "Guys!"
"Gus!" Willow grabbed him and pulled him into a breath gasping hug. "Oh man, you're alive!"
"..Figurtively that is." Gus chuckled.
"Actually no, literally." Hunter explained as he patted him on the back. "You see-"
"GAHH!" Lucci grasped himself as his body kept flicking.
"Yeesh, what's with him?" Gus asked
"No idea, I freaking hate it!" Lucci shouted as he held himself. "Stop glitching, stop glitching, just.. Fucking STOP!" He shouted, as his body stopped flaring up. "...Ugh, that.. That was horrible." He groaned. "Titan, that hurt worse than when Belos tried drowning me in his mind."
"Unpleasant times all around." Hunter nodded. "We also met Luz. So we're just missing Amity and Boscha." He muttered.
"And Spinel." Lucci nodded. "She was in my hair when the door exploded, and she's not now."
".. Wait, so do gems die?" Gus asked.
"Don't know, but it turns out we're not dead anyways." Hunter explained.
"… Wait what?" Everyone blinked.
"Apparently sinner hearts don't beat or something." Lucci waved off. "And all of us are beating, so that means we're alive."
"Really?" Gus felt his chest ... and there was a beat. "Huh … guess it'll be a while before I see them again."
"Who?" Willow asked.
"Long story." Gus waved off. "Now we should really plan on getting out of here."
"Hunter knows how to do that apparently." Lucci rolled his eyes.
"Apparently some imps have an answer … but I really never asked how."