Hmm.
Want to know something?
The last time you were here reading, I was in a relationship, lol.
Lbvs.
How things change, yeah?
I am very much single now.
It started off pretty simple and clean, you know?
Very open and warm.
It slowly shifted into something a lot less so once I found out that she was still married...
Hmm, again.
Had she just been honest about that from the start, we could have worked something out.
I liked her, you know?
She was something different from what I am typically attracted to, but I was open to that difference.
The greater powers quickly balanced that out and showed me that we all have and develop types and preferences for a reason, lbvs.
I wish her the best, and I hope that she is a bit more.... Honest with the next person that she meets.
I don't like to carry heavy, dark, resentful energy around, you know?
I live, I experience, and I let go.
That is my plan for all of 2026.
If I happen upon the love of my life, so be it.
If not, so be it, lol.
Mayhap it is the brown-eyed girl over at the deli across the street?
Mayhap it is my neighbor, who I am sure has a bit of a crush on me?
Mayhap I am just meant to be a bachelor?
I will know, when I know, when I am meant to know, you know?
Lol.
I am patient.
I have always been.
It is both a gift and a curse.
Let's go see what young me was up to, yeah?
Maybe it's something interesting.
2013 was a lot less dramatic than this year has been, though, lol.
At least I am not wrapped around anyone's toxic finger.
And off we go!
Enjoy.
-----
September 7th, 2013.
Journal #085.
-----
Missed out on my night with XXXXX.
Idiot.
Just friends or not, it would have been good for me.
Maybe for her.
Honestly, I don't know much of anything, do I?
I can't explain why she means so much to me.
Stupid.
How can you feel something and not know 100% why you feel it?...
-----
Hmm.
-She asked me to stay the night with her.
I was hesitant to do so because she was in a relationship.
Yes, he was in a different state at the time, but they were still together, and even if I was falling in love with her, I had my self-respect and boundaries.
I would have never let myself do anything sexual or intimate with her because I am very monogamous, and I respect other people's relationships.
Outside of that, I am a karma-fearing man.
I do my best to treat others as I would like to be treated, and I would hate/have hated to have been cheated on.
In fact, as much as I had enjoyed her flashing me, I felt horrible because she was technically still talking to the guy she was with at the time.
I wanted to be her knight.
I wanted to save her from him.
I had no idea that she was who and how she was, and that his side of the story was probably a lot closer to how she treated me than what she had told me about him.
Life, right?
Why can't people just be honest?
With themselves and the world around them?
-She meant so much to me because I met her when I was 16 years old, and we trauma-bonded. We were friends before anything else, but I rapidly began to fall in love with her after we lost contact in 2006 and then reacquainted around early 2012. I was older, more mature, and much more interested in her than I had been when we first met.
She was in a relationship.
I wanted to save her from all of the horror stories she told me about the guy she was with, never knowing that she was quite bipolar and not medicated.
Her choice of medication was orange juice and vodka, or tequila and beer.
She refused to believe that anything was "wrong" with her.
And you know what?
She was right.
There is nothing wrong with any mental illness.
The problem comes when you are aware of your mental illness and the effects it has on those around you, and you simply refuse to address or treat those things.
That is what is wrong.
But I digress.
I am no expert on these things, just a 10-year survivor of someone who refused to seek help.
I didn't know why I loved her so much, but it was simply because she had imprinted on me in the few years of friendship we had.
She knew how I felt, even back then, and she strung me along for her own benefit while I was under the impression that one day she would be just as madly in love with me as I was with her.
Humanity can be quite cruel in how selfish it can be.
Be wary, Folks.
I will leave you at that.
Young me was so damned infatuated that it is quite cringe to look back sometimes, lol.
Or maybe I was genuinely in love?
Who knows?
Shit, I don't, and I was there!
Lmao!
I will leave you all with that!
I hope that you are all happy, healthy, warm/cool, and blessed wherever you are on this planet of ours.
I hope the holidays go well for you, and that you don't find out that the person you are falling in love with is secretly still married!
Lbvs.
I love you all.
Thank you for being you, and for being here.
It means the world to me.
Safe travels as you get around out there!
Especially if you are in a place that gets snow, as we do here in Wisconsin!
I will see you all back here soon enough, yeah?
Stay warm!
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.