Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
Good, I hope!
I took the day off from work today.
I haven't been feeling the best this morning, so I took the day for myself.
I need to listen to my body more often, and sit my ass down when I need it. I am a bit of a workaholic, and that's no good for me. I am only getting older, you know?
You have to take care of yourself, or your time will be made really short on this world of ours.
I hope the holidays are going well for you, and that you can make it a good one for yourself and your children.
Children deserve the world.
They deserve to be happy, healthy, safe.
All of those good things.
These holidays are for THEM, not us, you know?
Keep that in mind as you struggle this season; they will appreciate you.
Believe me.
I will let you get what you came for.
Enjoy!
-----
September 6th, 2013.
Journal #084.
-----
What an interesting day.
She showed a part of herself to me.
I didn't see it as a sexual thing or something to fantasize about.
Not at all.
I see(n) beauty.
I see progress.
A step.
A step being taken that could never have been taken before.
I seen more about her in that moment than just a naked part of her body.
But maybe I just think too much?
Who knows?
"Now we are even."
Fair enough.
Right?
Things are far more personal in person than they could ever be over text or pictures.
Maybe one day I could say:
"I love you."
To her face and gauge her reaction.
I don't think she would react like:
"Oh! I love you too!"
But nonetheless, it would be a very... energized event.
Maybe...
So I began to tell her my story.
My life.
What I've been through.
She's right.
When we talk, it is always her talking and me responding.
I should talk more about my side of the world, and not just listen to hers.
It would only be fair, right?
I know so many things about her, and I let out so little details about myself.
Maybe that's why she can't really see me because she can only see the mask I put up...
*An image is drawn here of a face composed of gears, partially hidden behind a mask.
"Defenseless."
I think I have
This stupid mask
So no one else can see.
That deep inside
There's many parts
And nuts
And bolts
That make up "Me".
It's weird to me
How easily
This woman gets inside
She tears right past
That stupid mask
And finds
The things I hide...
-----
Hmmm.
-She flashed me, Folks, lmao.
I am very much still of the same mind in that I don't really see many parts of the human body as overly sexual, but more beautiful if anything.
I am a sapiophile, you know?
It takes a lot more than mild sexual gestures to turn me on, lol.
I was all of what? 24 years old? I had seen my fair share of breasts by that point and age, I assure you!
In that moment, it was much more of a show of both trust and comfort to me. That made it worth writing about.
-We were NOT even simply because she had shown me her breast. I had sent her a picture of my dick a few days before, and she had immediately proceeded to show it to her best friend. I wasn't really happy with that because not only was it rude, as it wasn't meant for anyone but her, but she also hadn't asked me beforehand.
That's not cool, folks.
I know a lot of people do it, but that's not something you should do if you are serious about the person who sent you the pictures, you know?
I wanted to marry this woman, and her best friend was living with a picture of my dick in her phone.
Not weird at all.
-I did eventually get to tell her I loved her to her face, and you know what it changed? Nothing? It gave her the ability to manipulate me just a bit more with the response; "Love you too..."
Not the "energized event" that I had dreamed it would be, but you know?
Right?
You know?
-I know now and understand that she was only reading my journal entries to get an upper hand on me when it came to our conversations and such, but I continued to write. I am glad I did, you know?
I knew that she liked power, and I only regret that I let myself become a bit too infatuated with her.
Here we are, looking back at all of the bull shit that I let myself be dragged through, and letting it be cathartic as shit, lol.
10 cool points for me!
-My story? Hmm.
Maybe I should save that for "Stories for another time. Volume 01." Lmao!
Mostly drama, me being hella quixotic, being tossed into the Foster care system, them being used and abused around town until I found my sense of self.
Bah.
Who would want to read about all that!?
-I wrote that little poem in a moment of vulnerability. I had always felt as if I was wearing a weird sort of mask around a lot of people I knew, and looking back now, I can see that a big part of it may have been that daunting hunt for love, affection, and attention that crafted that.
Hmm.
Mayhap a good Sploosh of "lack of confidence," as well. I can't lie to you, good Folk.
Yes, she took advantage of and manipulated me, but a decent part of me was aware of that and even wanted it...
Sometimes we think that love and pain are meant to walk hand in hand...
That affection is supposed to be rough and direct...
That is NOT true.
Love should feel good.
Soft.
Kind.
Glowingly open and welcoming.
It should be calm and honest.
We are hurt and damaged and traumatized, Folks.
And that's okay.
It's okay to not be okay.
We just have to heal enough and know ourselves enough to keep going and evolve into a better, stronger version of who we are.
That takes time and courage.
You all have both inside of you, just as I had to dig down inside of myself to find and embrace in 2022 when I walked away from everything I knew and started over.
Just learn from your mistakes and walk away from what is not for you.
I love you all, and I will see you back here for the next one, should the Universe will it.
Safe travels, Folks.
Be kind to one another, yeah?
The world has enough shitty people as is.
Let's make the end of this year as great as possible, yeah.
Happy holidays to you all.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.