Since I got home, I hadn't really talked to Mary. Not properly, anyway. Every time I tried to have a real conversation with her, she'd stay for two or three minutes before finding some excuse to disappear. "I'm going to sleep." "I'm going to cook." "I'll call you later." Blah, blah, blah. It was starting to feel like I didn't even have a girlfriend anymore. Damn. I sat on the couch, staring at my phone, wondering when exactly things between us had become like this. Maybe our relationship had always been a little... unreal. I couldn't explain it. Sometimes I didn't even regret being with her. When we'd first gotten together, I'd thought it would be fun. Romantic, even. I thought having a girlfriend would feel exciting, like all those stupid love stories made it look. Maybe I had expected too much. Maybe I had expected something that didn't exist. Because with Mary, everything somehow became boring. Whenever something was supposed to be fun, it stayed fun for five minutes before turning into the same old thing again. Even when she tried to make me laugh, I found myself forcing a smile. And the worst part was that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong. She was beautiful. She was funny when she wanted to be. She tried. She really did. So why didn't I feel anything? I rubbed my hands over my face and sighed. And then, like always, my mind went somewhere it shouldn't. Anna. I could spend hours with Anna doing absolutely nothing and somehow never get bored. We could argue, tease each other, sit in silence, or talk about the stupidest things, and somehow I would still want more time with her. Even when she was angry with me, I wanted to know what she was thinking. Even when she ignored me, I noticed. Even when she said nothing, I somehow found myself wondering what she meant. That thought made my stomach tighten. I couldn't even think about Anna without feeling guilty. "Damn," I muttered, looking down at my phone. Maybe I should talk to Elliot. He was the one who always seemed to understand this kind of thing. At least, he acted like he did. I picked up my phone and opened our conversation. I stared at the screen for a few seconds, wondering what to say. Bro, I think I'm going crazy. I typed it, stared at it, then deleted it. No. I'd just call him. Before I could, my phone vibrated. Mary. I opened the message. You said you'll be in town next week. I stared at it for a moment before replying. Yeah. I might pass by. A few seconds later, another message appeared. If you want to talk, you can call me. Or come see me when you're here. I frowned. She wanted me to go see her. I leaned back against the couch and rubbed my forehead. I'd already told her I would probably be going to see Elliot anyway. They were staying in the same town, so maybe I could see both of them. Maybe that was what I needed. A proper conversation. Maybe we needed to finally sort out whatever was happening between us. Because I didn't feel like we were in love anymore. I didn't even know if we still felt like a couple. The problem was, I knew Mary loved me. At least, I thought she did. I just didn't understand why she always acted like she didn't care. Every time I tried to get closer, she seemed to pull away. Every time I wanted to talk, she had somewhere else to be. And maybe that was part of the reason I felt so disconnected from her. Maybe we'd both been pretending for longer than either of us wanted to admit. I opened Elliot's chat again. I stared at his name, then locked my phone. No. I didn't want to text him. I'd call. I needed someone to tell me what the hell I was supposed to do. I picked up my phone again and dialed. "Hey, yo, what's up, Elliot?" "What's good, man?" His voice sounded tired. "But seriously, bro, how are you doing? You've been so quiet since we got home. You good?" "Yeah, brother. I'm fine. I'm just home. You know me." I smiled faintly. "And Grandma?" "She's doing okay." "Good." There was a pause. "I told you I'd come see you sooner or later," I said. "I was thinking maybe next week, but..." I looked around my room. Something in me suddenly made the decision. "You know what? I'm coming now." Elliot laughed. "Now?" "Yeah. I need to talk to you about some things. Maybe I'll stay the night." His voice changed. "Everything okay?" I swallowed. "I don't know, man. That's why I'm coming." He went quiet for a moment before answering. "All right. Come through." "Yeah. And tomorrow I have to see Mary." "Mary?" "Yeah." I sighed. "She's driving me crazy." "Rafael..." "I already told her I'd come see her, but I don't know. I just need to sort some things out." "Okay. Just come over. We'll talk." "Thanks, bro." "You know I'm always here for you." "I know." I hung up and stared at my phone. I didn't know what I was going to say to Elliot. I didn't even know what I wanted him to tell me. I just knew I couldn't keep sitting there pretending everything was fine. I was tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of wondering. Tired of feeling like I was living inside a relationship that I didn't even recognize anymore. I grabbed my bag and stood up. Whatever happened tonight, I was going to deal with it. I wasn't waiting anymore.
A few hours later, I was standing outside Elliot's door, knocking like my life depended on it. "Bro! Open the damn door!" "Man, shut up!" I laughed when the door finally opened. "Yo, my man." Elliot pulled me into a quick hug before stepping aside. "Come in." I walked inside and dropped my bag near the couch. "So, what do you want to drink?" he asked. I stared at him. "You're asking me what I want to drink?" He rolled his eyes. "You always know what I drink," I said. "Exactly." A few minutes later, we were sitting together with our drinks. "Cheers." "Cheers." I took a sip, but Elliot didn't drink. He just watched me over the rim of his glass. "So, bro. What's really going on?" I looked down at my drink. "I'm fine." "No, you're not." "I'm tired." "That's not an answer." I sighed. "It's not about Anna." He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say it was." I groaned. "That's exactly the problem." "So it is about Anna." "No. I mean..." I rubbed my forehead. "I haven't even talked to her." "Since when?" "Since we got home." I paused. "Even the last day, I kind of ghosted her. We didn't really talk." Elliot nodded slowly. "Okay." "And that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." He put his drink down. "Then talk." I took a deep breath. "I think it's time for me and Mary to break up." His expression changed immediately. "What?" "I said I think we should break up." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "Rafael, you've been with her for years." "I know." "So what happened?" "Nothing happened." "Then why?" I stared at the floor. "Because I'm tired." "Tired of what?" "Of pretending." The words came out before I could stop them. "I've been trying, Elliot. I've tried to be romantic. I've tried to be sweet. I've tried to make things work. And Mary is great. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's-everything." "Then what's the problem?" "I don't know." I looked at him. "That's the problem. I don't know." He stayed quiet. "She tries," I continued. "She jokes with me. She flirts with me. She tries to make me laugh. She does everything she can. But I don't feel it." I swallowed hard. "Sometimes I wonder if I ever loved her the way I was supposed to." Elliot's eyes narrowed. "And sometimes I think..." I stopped. "What?" I shook my head. "Nothing." "Rafael." I sighed. There was no point pretending with him. "Sometimes I think maybe it was always Anna." The room went quiet. Elliot stared at me. "Bro..." "I know." "No, you don't." He leaned forward. "I've told you since the beginning to stop whatever was happening between you and Anna." "I know." "Because you were going to get yourself hurt." "I know." "And now look at you." I didn't answer. He shook his head. "You can't just keep comparing Mary to Anna." "I'm not comparing them." "You literally just did." I looked away. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore." Elliot sighed. "You know Anna vibes with everyone, right?" "Yeah." "She's like that with people." "I know." "You and her have always had this weird thing going on." "I know." He hesitated. "And you remember what happened between me and her." I looked at him. "What?" "Last holiday." He paused. "We kissed." My entire body went still. "You and Anna?" "Yeah." "You kissed Anna?" "It wasn't just a kiss." I stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about?" He looked away. "We made out. It almost went further." For a second, I couldn't speak. My jaw tightened. "She never told me." Elliot shrugged slightly. "Why would she?" I stood up so quickly the glass on the table shook. "I need to go." "Rafael-" "I'm done." "Bro, don't do something stupid just because of this." I grabbed my bag. "I'm not." "Then where are you going?" "To fix my life." "Rafael." I stopped at the door but didn't turn around. "I'll talk to you later." "Are you serious?" I didn't answer. I left. The moment I stepped outside, I called Mary. I didn't care what time it was. I told her where we needed to meet, and when she arrived, I didn't even give myself enough time to change my mind. "Hey." She looked at me carefully. "You called me, and you sounded stressed. What's wrong?" "Mary." She waited. I looked at her, then looked away. "I want us to break up." Her face changed instantly. "Wow, wait. What?" "I want us to break up." "Rafael, what happened? You didn't even greet me. You just called me here and suddenly you're saying we're breaking up?" "That's why I called." She stared at me. "Why?" I swallowed. "I need myself again." "What does that even mean?" "I don't know." My voice cracked slightly. "I just know I can't do this anymore." "After all these years?" I closed my eyes for a second. "I'm sorry." "You don't just get to say you're sorry and walk away." "I know." "Then tell me what's wrong." I took a breath. "I need space. I need to figure my life out. And I don't want you waiting for me." She was silent. "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have," I said. "So maybe it's better if we end it now." Her eyes filled with tears, and I hated myself for being the reason. But I couldn't take back what I'd said. "I'm sorry, Mary." I stepped back. "Take care of yourself." "Rafael..." "Goodbye." I didn't wait for her answer. I turned around, grabbed my bag, and went straight home. I went straight to bed. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to replay Elliot's words in my head or wonder what Anna had been doing with him. I just wanted everything to stop. But when I woke up later that night, there was only one person I wanted to talk to. Anna.
I opened WhatsApp and went straight to Anna's profile. I stared at her name for a few seconds. Then I typed. Hey. how are doing? I waited. Nothing. Still nothing. An hour passed. I kept checking my phone like an idiot. Eventually, I called. She answered after the second ring. She sounded distracted. Too distracted. After the call ended. I stared at the screen. That was it? I had just told her I had broken up with Mary, and that was all I got? Utterly nothing. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she really was going to the bank. I waited for her to call me back. She didn't. Ten minutes. Thirty. An hour. Nothing. I checked my phone again. No message. I opened our conversation. Nothing. I locked my phone. Then unlocked it again. Still nothing. "Come on, Anna." I dropped the phone beside me. Maybe I was being stupid. I had no right to expect anything from her. She wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't responsible for how I felt. And after everything that had happened between us, especially after what Elliot had just told me, maybe I was the last person she wanted to talk to. Still... Why did it hurt so much? I had spent all this time thinking that Anna would understand me. That no matter what happened, somehow, we'd always find our way back into the same conversation. Even when we were angry. Even when we were avoiding each other. Even when everything between us was complicated. But now? Nothing. I picked up my phone one more time. No message. No missed call. Nothing. I let out a long breath. Maybe she was avoiding me. Maybe she was angry. Maybe she was just busy. Or maybe... I stopped myself. No. I wasn't going there. I had just ended one relationship. I didn't need to destroy myself over another one before it had even started. I tossed my phone onto the bed. "Fuck." I covered my face with both hands. How the hell had I gotten myself here? Yesterday, I still had a girlfriend. Today, I'm single, confused, and waiting for the one person I couldn't stop thinking about to call me back. And the worst part? For the first time, I wasn't sure she wanted to. Something had changed. I just didn't know what. And somehow, I had a feeling it had changed between us.