Oh, being home is so peaceful. I mean, just lying in my bed and doing nothing, knowing that I don't have to study sciences again. It feels refreshing, but still, I don't know, because I feel like Rafael is mad at me. He's mad at me because yesterday I wanted to say goodbye to him, but he seemed distant. He didn't want to talk to me. Maybe it's because I promised to go home with him, but I didn't. Yeah, I think that's the reason why, because we agreed that we would go home together, but my dad said he was going to send a ride for me, so I wasn't in touch with him, and I think maybe I failed him or something. I think that's why he didn't want to talk to me. Maybe he was really mad. And since we got home, he hasn't texted or called. I don't know what to do now. Because I don't want to talk to him first. He could. I don't want him to think that I want him that much. But still, I don't feel okay. Like, is he okay? Are we cool or something? I don't know. But let me wait a bit. Maybe he'll call. I don't know. Anyways, I'm home again, and I don't know what movies to watch now because I don't know if there are any good movies right now. Maybe I'll start watching a series later because I wanted to start Legacies like two years ago, but I couldn't because of studying and the whole family situation. But now, I think I want to start Legacies. Oh, maybe I won't. I don't know. Because it seems like, since I got home, Dad hasn't come home. I don't know. Maybe he's not coming home anymore. And Mom hasn't said a word since I got here. I think my sister stayed at my auntie's, and my brothers aren't coming this summer. So it's just me and Mom, and she's always rocking herself in her room. Well, then I feel like something isn't right. Of course, I accepted to stay at home with her and just study in Paris, but still, she's not okay. Maybe things aren't cool with Dad. Or maybe she's just stressed or worried. I don't know. But I really want to help her. I want her to be okay. And I don't feel like it's going to work because she rarely talks to me. She barely talks to me. So, I don't know. Shit, everything feels so fucked up. And how did we even get here? Like, one moment everything is good, we're laughing, we're good, and the next second everything just falls apart. Like, really falls apart. God, I wish I wasn't here. But I really want to be there for Mom. Maybe I'll start with her favorite music, maybe her favorite shows. Because no matter what happens, the baby has nothing to do with everything. I mean, of course, it's not a good thing, but we can't just punish the baby for being in this situation. A baby can't grow up or be raised in these kinds of situations. So I'm going to do it for the baby. Yeah. And for my mom. Because I love her, and I want her to be happy. I hope it goes well. But, I mean, it will. I don't know. I don't know.
"Mom. Mom, please, can you just open the door for me? I just want to know if you're okay. Just talk to me, please. Mom, please. Just open the door. I just want to see you. You can close it again if you want, but just open it. I just want to talk to you." I knocked on the door again, waiting, hoping she would finally open it. But just like last night, she didn't. I stood there for a while, staring at the door, not knowing what else to do. I felt like I was failing her, but she wasn't letting me do anything. She wouldn't even tell me what was wrong or let me figure out how to help her. I wanted to call Aunt, but I didn't want everyone to start worrying. I didn't want to trouble anyone. "Mom, I left the food by the door. I'm going now. If you want to eat, just open the door. I won't be here. Just take the food and make sure you eat something, okay?" I left the food there and walked away, but I still didn't know what to do. Maybe I could play her favorite music and turn the speaker up loud enough for her to hear it. Maybe it would make her feel a little better. I didn't know. "God, what am I supposed to do?" I sighed and looked toward the television. Maybe I should just start watching Legacies. There was nothing else to do, and I didn't have anyone to talk to. Besides, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone for a while. "Let me just watch Legacies. It'll be fine. I'll be fine." I picked up the remote, ready to start the show, and then stopped. "Wait. No. Don't tell me there's no Wi-Fi." I checked again, hoping I was wrong. "Please, God, don't tell me there's no Wi-Fi. How did I not see this coming?" I groaned and dropped the remote onto the couch. "It's fine. I'll just listen to music and fall asleep." I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, even though it wasn't. I was tired, worried about Mom, and now I couldn't even distract myself with a show. My phone suddenly started ringing. I looked at the screen. "Who's calling me? Don't tell me somebody's calling. I said I don't want to talk to anyone, and now everyone wants to call me." I looked again and realized it was my sister. "Come on. I'm really not in the mood for this." I turned the sound off and tossed the phone aside. Maybe I should just sleep. But then another thought crossed my mind. "Wait. Maybe I could go outside for a walk. Just walk for a while. I don't know what else to do." I looked toward Mom's room. "But what if she wakes up?" I hesitated before finally deciding against it. "I'll sleep for a little while. When I wake up, I'll go check if she took the food." I hoped she would. I really hoped she would. My phone started ringing again. I frowned. Why was she calling me again? "Wait. Did Regina come home?" I thought about it for a moment. No. But she had the key, so she wouldn't need to call me to open the door. "Then why is she calling me?" I stared at the phone before letting it ring. I wasn't picking up. But another thought suddenly hit me. What if she knew about me and Elliot? My stomach twisted. "If she knows about me and Elliot, I'm dead." I covered my face with my hands. "God, why does this always have to happen to me?" I tried to convince myself that it wasn't as bad as it sounded. "I mean, I didn't even kiss him. He was the one who kissed me, and it barely even meant anything." I stopped. That wasn't completely true. "Wait. No. We did kiss." My heart sank as the memory came rushing back. "And we almost had sex." I stared into nothing. "Wait, what? With my sister's ex-boyfriend?" I shook my head. "No. God. Jesus, what am I going to tell her?" I couldn't even finish the thought. "Did he sleep here? I don't even remember what..." I stopped myself. "No. Don't." It had been three months. Three whole months. "Why couldn't she just let it go like I did? I forgot that night ever happened." Or at least, I had tried to. And then there was Rafael. "For God's sake, I almost kissed Rafael too. And that same night, I made out with Elliot." I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "God, what is this?" I took a deep breath. I had spent three months pretending none of it had happened. I could do it again. "I'll just play it cool like I've been doing for the past three months. I'll play it cool with her too. Nothing happened. Literally, nothing happened." I nodded to myself as though I could make it true by saying it enough times. "It'll be fine. I just have to pretend nothing ever happened. I'll talk to her, listen to whatever she wants to say, and nothing will happen." My phone rang again. This time, I answered. "Okay. Here we go." "Oh, hey, Regina." I forced my voice to sound normal. "I'm good. I'm fine. How are you doing?" "I'm okay. I'm just staying with Aunt." "So, how is everything at home?" she asked. "Well, I'm fine. Dad still isn't home. He hasn't been home since I got here, and I don't think he's been coming home lately. Mom is always locked up in her room. She hasn't talked to me since I got here, and she hasn't eaten anything. I always leave food outside her door, but she doesn't eat it. I just hope she eats this time." I glanced toward Mom's room. "And there's no Wi-Fi either. I don't know what happened to it. I'll probably have to go to the bank, get the money, and pay the bills. I think most of them are due around this time anyway." There was a brief silence before Regina asked, "So, are you coming home, or are you just going to stay there?" "I'm not sure. Aunt isn't doing well, and I feel like maybe I should stay with her. I don't know how long, but I don't think I can leave her when she's sick, you know?" "Okay. And how are the boys?" "Oh, come on. The boys? They're not coming. Do you really think they can come with all these dramas, the baby, and everything else going on?" I sighed. "I just hope none of this is affecting Mom. Because if it is, everything is going to get even messier." "Yeah. I know. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing." "I'm okay." "And when Mom finally talks to you, tell her I said hi." "Yeah, okay. I'll see if she even opens the door. She hasn't talked to me at all." "And tell Aunt I'll pray for her. Take good care of her, okay?" "Yeah. I will. See you." "Yeah. Thank you." I ended the call and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "Oh, thank God." For a moment, I had been sure she was going to ask about Elliot. But she had only been checking in. "She doesn't know. She doesn't know about me and Elliot." I tried to reassure myself. "That's good, right?" I frowned. "I mean... yeah." But then doubt crept back in. "No. I don't know." If she knew, surely she would have said something. She would have been furious. She wouldn't have sounded so normal. "So if she didn't say anything, then it's good." I nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll just go check if Mom ate." I looked toward the door again. "I hope she did." I swallowed. "I really hope she did."
As soon as Regina hung up, I stayed there for a while, staring at my phone. I don't know. We weren't as close as we'd been when we were kids, but sometimes, when we talked without arguing, I still felt like something inside me brightened up. Maybe it was because, underneath everything that had happened between us, she was still my sister. Or maybe it was just because hearing a familiar voice made everything feel a little less lonely. Either way, after talking to her, I felt a bit lighter. Not completely okay, but lighter in a way I couldn't quite explain.
I decided to sleep for a little while. When I woke up, I would go to the bank, get the money, pay the bills, walk around town for a bit, and then come back home to check on Mom. That was the plan.
I didn't know how long I slept, but when I finally woke up and got ready to leave, my head felt strangely empty. On my way to the bank, I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't even feeling anything. My heart just felt cold, and my mind was somewhere far away. I walked through town without really paying attention to the people around me or the noise coming from the shops and streets. I was just walking.
Then my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and looked at the screen.
Hola, how are you doing?
Of course. Rafđź–¤. He always seemed to show up whenever I was starting to lose my mind.
I stared at the message for a while. I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't feeling anything, and I didn't even know how to explain that. So I left the message unanswered.
Almost an hour passed before my phone rang again. I looked at the screen and sighed.
"Come on. Who's calling me now?"
It was Rafđź–¤. I didn't answer.
Five minutes later, he called again. This time, I picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hello. How are you doing? Ça va?"
"Yeah. I'm good. I'm fine. You?"
"Just fine. Nothing much."
There was a little silence.
"How's Grandma?" I asked.
"Oh, Grandma's good. She's fine. I mean, she's doing okay. She actually told me to tell you hi."
I smiled a little.
"So you're just calling me to tell me your grandmother said hi?"
"No, no, no." He laughed. "I just wanted to talk to you."
He paused.
"It's just... I don't know. I feel like you're not really in the mood to talk. I sent you a message and you read it and didn't reply."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not home. I'm in town, and there's no Wi-Fi."
"No Wi-Fi?"
"Yeah. I went to get money to pay the bills." I hesitated before continuing. "Mom hasn't talked to me since I got home. She locked herself in her room. My brothers aren't coming home this summer. Dad left. My sister stayed there with my aunt. And... yeah. That's me right now."
I tried to laugh it off. "But it's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm just going to go home, watch my movie, read a little, and then... yeah. It'll be okay."
"Anna..."
"It's fine," I said quickly. "Really. I'm okay."
I didn't want him to worry about me.
"So what about you? What's up with you? I mean, we haven't really talked since the last... you know."
"Me? I'm good. I'm okay. Everything's good."
Then the silence came. A long, awkward silence. Neither of us seemed to know what to say next.
And then he finally spoke.
"I broke up with Mary."
I froze. For a moment, I didn't say anything.
"Hmm?"
"I broke up with Mary."
I swallowed.
"Okay. I mean... how do you feel? Are you okay?"
"Actually, I don't know. I don't feel anything. I'm not sad, and I'm not happy. I just feel... relieved."
"Really?"
"Yeah. You know, I feel like this is something I should've done a long time ago. But I think it was okay. I just hope she's going to be okay."
"She'll be okay," I said.
"Yeah. She'll be fine."
I didn't know what else to say. My heart was suddenly beating so loudly that I was almost afraid he could hear it through the phone.
"Okay, yeah. I'm at the bank now. Can we just talk later?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
I hung up.
But I was lying. I had already left the bank. I just needed an excuse to end the conversation because suddenly, everything felt like it was collapsing on me all at once.
Mom. Dad. My brothers. My sister; Regina. And now Rafael.
Rafael had broken up with Mary.
I had always known that they would probably break up sooner or later, but knowing it would happen and actually hearing him say it were two completely different things.
I didn't know what to think. I didn't know how to react. And I definitely didn't want him to think I was happy about it. Mary had been my friend for a long time. She didn't deserve to have her heart broken, and I didn't want to be the kind of person who celebrated someone else's pain just because it gave me a chance.
But there was another truth sitting quietly inside me, one I'd spent years trying not to look at too closely.
I wanted Rafael.
I had wanted him for longer than I was willing to admit.
I still remembered the first time we really talked at school. It wasn't our first day in the same class. We'd already spent almost a whole year barely speaking to each other. I thought he didn't like me, and honestly, during those first months, I didn't really care about anyone either.
Then, somehow, during our second term, we started talking. He was a friend of my friends, and one conversation became another. I don't even remember what we talked about that first time. What I remember is going back to my dorm that night and replaying the conversation in my head. Out of everything that had happened that day, that conversation was the only thing I could think about before I went to sleep.
I remember lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, and smiling for no reason. And before I fell asleep, I prayed. I asked God to guide whatever was going to happen between me and that boy. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know where it would lead. I just wanted Him to guide it.
Then I closed my eyes, and somehow, I could still see Rafael's smile. Those sleepy eyes. The way he looked when he was tired.
I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere between those conversations and all the little moments that followed, I fell for him. And ever since then, I think I've only fallen harder.
I always felt like maybe he felt something too. Maybe I wasn't imagining the way he looked at me sometimes, or the way we could talk for hours when neither of us was trying to talk about anything important.
But Mary had always been the limit. She was the line between whatever Rafael and I were and whatever we could never become.
And now that line wasn't there anymore.
I sat there with my phone in my hand, staring at his name on the screen.
For years, I'd told myself that being his friend was enough. That I didn't need anything more. That I could be happy just having him in my life.
But was that really true?
Because if I was being honest with myself, I didn't just want to be his friend. I wanted to be the person he chose. I wanted to be the one he called when something happened. I wanted his messages to mean more than just friendship. I wanted to sit beside him and know that I belonged there. I wanted to hear him say my name and feel like it meant something different now.
I wanted us to be something.
I wanted him to be mine.
And now, for the first time, it felt like maybe I actually had a chance.
The thought scared me.
What if I told him everything and he didn't feel the same? What if I had misunderstood all those moments between us? What if I ruined the friendship we still had?
But what if I didn't? What if he had been waiting too? What if all this time, the only thing standing between us really had been Mary?
I looked down at my phone again. His name was still there. My heart started beating faster.
I could call him. I could go back to him. I could finally tell him everything I'd been hiding for years. I could tell him that I loved him. I could tell him that I'd wanted him for so long. I could tell him that I didn't want to keep pretending that being his friend was enough. But can I just tell him that I love him?