*Clack*
"Sis, I'm going home to pick up some things for you and I."
Liz turns to me, and raises an eyebrow. But she says nothing. She smiles and nods.
"Okay. But are you alright? I mean, your leg. Is it not too painful?"
I hesitate at the first question, but when Liz elaborates, I relax. I exhale. It seems like I'm not really determined. It is even worse than fearing snakes after being bitten once. I ignore my heart hesitating just below the surface of the dark water of the abyss, though I struggle to really let it go back down again, to let it drown again, this time, forever.
I take a deep breath and focus on the casual subject Liz has thrown at me first.
"My leg is alright. Unlike you, the bullet didn't lodge itself in my flesh. It just tore a wound at the side."
Liz looks down at the bandage hidden below my hospital gown, her hand unconsciously going to the freshly sewn wound on her stomach, before she nods.
"That's good. And it is good to live around too. But can you go on your own? Will you be alright?"
The worry and the gentle look in the violet eyes makes me smile warmly.
"Don't worry. Emmie came just now. I will be making the trip with her, and we will come back soon."
"Then, that's good. Just be careful on the way, and do your best not to irritate your wound."
"Hm."
Though I nod, I don't leave immediately. I remain standing in place, and Liz shows no surprise. She only shows a look of patience.
"Sis, I…"
I don't know how to say what I want to say, nor if I should speak at all. Though, actually, after seeing Emmie, and now, seeing Liz, the thoughts I have wanted to swallow, to bury and pretend I have never heard, or read, feel difficult to keep down. I don't want to be a heroine. I don't want another 'Mike', another horrifying morning, another painful wait outside an operation room. I don't want another bloody sister in my arms. But…
Looking into the gentle violet eyes encouraging me, waiting for me with patience and affection, my heart constricts, and the consciousness I want to keep down rises up on its own, tainted, but unable to remain hidden, remain buried.
"Sis, does pre-op procedures include tests before patients are operated on?"
"Yes. But if you mean another battery of tests right before the operation, then no. Tests take time, and unless something happens that makes new, last-minute tests necessary, we count on the honesty of the patients and their families and their adherence to instructions during the period of surveillance."
After explaining in a few sentences, Liz looks at me. Her eyes show some realization. I lower my head for a moment, then I look around, afraid, but also unwilling to only be afraid. However, my sister and I are more important in the equation, not some strangers, so I exhale.
"I saw a man when I was outside just now. He was going to the OB-GYN wing of the hospital from the backyard. Only, he didn't look like someone happy for a coming childbirth. His smile, I can only call it evil. That is not what a happy husband or father would look like. And he was holding his pocket tight like… like he is hiding something that can't withstand scrutiny and which is making him nervous. Anyway, I might just have been too sensitive after what happened."
Before Liz can speak, I turn around and speak in a bright voice to chase away the lingering softness and sympathy in my tone just now.
"Alright, I'm going, sis. I will come back soon."
I stop thinking further and throw everything out of my mind. I limp away and hurry to my room. I throw the jacket from yesterday onto my back. I change into my sneakers. They are better than the disposal slippers since I will have to walk longer. I return outside, and walk by Liz's room, then through the lounge after leaving the wide corridor. After that, I take the escalator to go down.
I think that device has been invented just for hospitals and patients like us. I'm sure escalators are not for the laziest of us humans. Yeah, I'm sure.
Passing through the lobby, I walk out, and before I can look around, I hear a call.
"Max!! Here!"
I turn to the sound, and wave in response, before limping down the few stairs at the entrance of the hospital and going to meet Emmie and the taxi she has called.
"Let's go."
"Hm."
Emmie holds the door for me, before she goes around to enter through the other door.
The journey is neither short nor long. Our house is a few kilometers away from the hospital. That has been a good thing for mom, and it now is for Liz. However, when I look at the decorations that are not ready to be taken down, at the brightly smiling people, couples, teenagers, young, or married and middle-aged, their joy seems covered by a veil in my eyes.
The veil is thin, but it makes the emotions, the brightness outside, feel foreign to me, strange, compared to the pain from the bandaged wound I am resting my hand on.
My face doesn't show much, but the silent journey puts something in front of me. The lives outside, different from mine because of a violent encounter that made it diverge yesterday, and what happened just now, what I have wanted to do in the backyard of the hospital, and what I decided in the end when I went to see Liz.
The world doesn't have the right to judge me, but I feel like that sensation after the accident a few months ago is back. It has resurged, leaving where it has been standing quietly to stand right beside me now. That sensation is like a declaration, a nutrient that forces maturation, and I can only face it now.
I take a deep breath, and exhale at the inevitability settling in my chest. Yes, inevitability.
My life will never be the same again. Tainted by the abyss of the world, till death, its shadow will follow me, haunt me, and maybe… swallow me.
So much for a better world.