The entries Fu Yinxiu read from Ming Yutong's diary were heart-wrenching and revealing.
Each page laid bare her deep pain and unfulfilled longing, showing the extent of her suffering and her relentless hope despite the overwhelming odds.
January 15th, Rain
Today, I forcefully expressed my milk. It was painful, but my baby can't drink it.
I want so much to feed him.
During my pregnancy, I paid particular attention to ensuring that I would have ample and healthy milk for him when he was born.
But now, I can't give it to him.
In the morning, I put the expressed milk in the fridge and threw it away in the evening.
At night, I couldn't sleep, so I ordered many baby clothes, toys, and even an inflatable pool online.
I know he won't use them right now, but I have a son…
.....
January 17th, Cloudy
The weather has been bad lately, and my bones ache, along with a headache.
I haven't slept well for a week, relying on sleeping pills to get some rest.
There has been no news of Fu Xiu or the baby.
I went to the hospital, but the doctors and nurses there said that no such mother had given birth that night and that there was no baby.
How is that possible?
The baby was born after my suffering. How can they say there wasn't one?
I don't know what Fu Xiu did to make the hospital change its story.
It's cold now, and the baby is small. He can't come out yet. Once he's bigger and the weather warms up, he'll be able to come out.
I will search all over New City's gardens and streets.
...
May 15th, Sunny
Today, I still haven't encountered the baby. Many people looked at me on the street. They probably think I'm a lunatic.
But I don't care. I need to find my baby, and others' opinions don't matter.
While passing by a maternity and baby store, I calculated that the baby is now over four months old and can start on solid foods.
Although he can't eat them yet, I still bought some.
I got formula and baby food suitable for this stage, along with many new clothes for him, which are now at home.
When I can't sleep at night, I take out the clothes I've prepared for him and mix and match them, imagining what he would look like wearing them.
I've washed and carefully rubbed each new outfit to ensure they are soft and won't irritate his skin.
Oh, I can't write any more. I need to make some formula for the baby.
.....
Fu Yinxiu stared at the words in the diary, lost in thought.
The child was clearly not with her, yet she still went through the motions of preparing formula.
Had she developed a delusional disorder?
He recalled Ming Yuqian's earlier words about how, after being brought back home by Ming Yutong, she had seen a psychiatrist.
So, at that time, she was imagining the child was with her.
She continuously bought things for the child, like formula and clothes, pretending as if the child was always living with her. She was only pretending to care for the child.
Fu Yinxiu's eyes reddened, tears welling up.
At that time, she was alone and could find no one.
After giving birth, she couldn't recover her health, and instead, she worsened her condition while also desperately searching for Little Jingahi and him, never having a moment of rest.
She was alone in New City, feeling helpless.
A mother, separated from her child.
The child she endured so much pain to bring into the world, yet she never even got to see.
All the difficulties and pain were poured into her alone.
She was just one person, so fragile, how could she endure so much?
Fu Yinxiu cursed himself for not being there during such a crucial time.
When she was so helpless, he had been like a headless fly, wandering aimlessly in New City, with no one to rely on, no one to help her.
A tear fell with a "plop," landing on the diary page, smudging the black ink.
Fu Yinxiu's fingers trembled as he turned the pages.
Unknowingly, it had grown dark outside.
"Master." Alpha Guard 1 knocked on the door.
"Don't disturb me," Fu Yinxiu said, not turning his head.
Alpha Guard 1 quietly opened the door, placed the dinner inside, and then quietly left.
Fu Yinxiu continued reading the diary and came across the entries from when Ming Yutong was brought back to the Ming family.
July 27th, Sunny.
My illness is almost cured, but when my parents found out about the formula and clothes I bought for the baby, they thought my illness hadn't improved.
In the past, I was indeed often not clear-headed, living in fantasy.
But now I am really better. I just want to keep the things I bought for the baby. It's just a habit I've developed.
Not wanting them to worry, I have to restrain myself and not buy so much.
I buy things secretly and then hide them.
...
July 30th, Sunny.
Because I always have headaches, joint pain, and severe menstrual pain that causes me to faint several times, Yuqian dragged me to the hospital today.
The doctor told me that it would be very difficult for me to conceive again in this lifetime.
Apart from the baby who was taken away, I might never have the chance to have my own child again.
But it's okay. I already have a baby, and I will find him, I definitely will.
Even if it takes a lifetime, I won't give up.
My parents worry that due to my difficulties with fertility, marriage might also be challenging.
Their views are very traditional. Even if a marriage alliance is arranged, it must be with someone from our country.
And most people from our country have traditional thoughts, so there might be very few willing to marry a woman who cannot bear children.