The torturous life continues. Everyday is a new struggle, and when Soobin (there's I, Yewang, Jisung and Soobin) starts dating at school we all get our phones confiscated and we don't see him for a month. I'm a little concerned for him - it's not like he didn't ask for all kids that followed him with his visuals, but we had started chatting at bedtime, and he gave me his perfume from his Auntie. We go out on lots of days too, and some days we just sit in cafe's and inhale the scents.
We have to be back to the building by 5:00pm no matter what day (school days it's by 4:00pm) and Soobin took me to see his Auntie. She offered us food which we were under strict order not to eat, so I had a hard time looking at all that fried chicken and sweet and sour garlic pork being munched by Soobin's cousins instead of me. They said I look like an idol and showed me their "After Like" (IVE) cover. It was the cutest thing I'd seen all day. Problem is, our managers text every few minutes to ask where we are, so you have to send verification photos- we're not permitted to visit family members except on family visiting days, so we ran to the city centre and took flustered selfies to send. If you don't answer Manager's texts within 5 minutes, they'll send a car out from the company to look for you- not to mention if you're found you'll be punished and so will your team. Soobin holds my hand as we walk, and we look in shops at all the menu's of food we can't eat. I've already noticed how small my knees are, and I've seen the slightest silver trace in the mirror of my abs, along with my ribs with every tiny movement. I like it as just us four. Soobin is the oldest at 16, Yewang talks a lot more now that we're "friends". Jisung trusts us all, even if he pretends he doesn't, and we treat him like a god congratulating each other if he chooses our beds to sit on. He's rude and bossy and answers back under all his layers of "quietness" - but that's ignorable. We receive the news that someone's joining the E!GHT& GROUP B training squad. He comes to the dorm with our language tutor one evening. He is very chubby and short, with glasses and a bag of clothes. No one says anything, and he doesn't introduce himself. Our language tutor tells us he's sixteen, so Yewang (our maknae) moves to the floor for chubby to sleep on his ex-bed. The next day in endurance and strength class, chubby can't do any abs scrunches, or press-ups, or hold plank or anything. He can't do the splits , so Instructor Kim roars at him about his weight using words and insults I would clever use. He sits on him and our new hyung screams and screams, unable to breathe. I don't really like him but I wish I could pull him out. I and Soobin exchange a glance while feeling the same trauma . I look in the mirror then, and see how I look. Too pale, too small under all these hoodies T-shirts and baggy trousers- and under my eyes are browny-purple rings that feel like they'll always be there. My lips are chapped and pale and my hair is curtained around my white face.
This life.