-By Toru-
The lie and the truth. Thinking about it and the fine line that separates them sometimes makes me nauseous. Sometimes even my eyes tend to hurt, throbbing strangely just thinking about it. Aah... Thinking... thinking too much... thinking more... It's the only thing I've learned to do in that field of white flowers over the past few years.
[I love you]
Those words scared me. She said that with such a genuine expression that I felt I would fall to my knees at any moment; but I did not. I swallowed my fear and accepted Gray without answering her. I thought that was better than giving her an answer I'm not willing to give; an answer I don't even know.
Would I refuse her? I don't know. But so far, loving is an enigma that I can't quite grasp.
I'm sure I loved Konan, and Hinata...and Ino...I'm sure I feel something similar for Gray. At least, that's the emotion I know as "love", but I usually relate it to the love I used to feel for Okā-sama or Mother.
I still felt fear when I heard her say that, what triggered my reaction? I'm still thinking about it, but the answer is still uncertain.
My mind is so broken that such mundane thoughts become an impossible riddle. Words like love, happiness or peace, whose meanings have become blurred, keep rumbling in the depths of my mind, but in the end I still don't understand. I still don't understand myself.
Hm. Well, I'll go on as I have been. I will continue to live together with Gray, Waver-sensei and Sakura-sama. Maybe someday I'll manage to understand myself, so I can return to death in peace. Obviously, death is not something I wish for, at least it is not my priority. There are simply things I don't understand, and perhaps my curiosity is what drives me to keep moving forward.
In this ocean of blood and wailing, all the enigmas of my life gather to whisper distant answers that I cannot hear clearly. And here she is still here, Mother, whispering words in my ear to make me lose my patience. Ironic, after so long in the flower field, patience is something I now have plenty of, though I have felt exceptions from time to time.
"I'm still the same. I haven't changed, but I have changed."
It is contradictory. A long rope with threads threaded with all my actions, joining into a single rope that makes up my personality.
Rational, calm, strange.
Irrational, moody, depressing.
In the dark of night I asked myself that question. Standing on the tip of Big Ben, feeling the night dew on my cloak accompanying the cold midnight wind, my breathing mingled with the noisy movements of my cloak. Observing the world through this mysterious mask, I whispered:
"Will I be able to defeat this approaching war?"
I will leave Gray, Waver-sensei behind and depart together with Sakura-sama into an abyss of torment. If I win, at least I will be able to feel more at ease, but my purpose in this world will remain uncertain.
I am not afraid of war. I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of something else.
What am I so afraid of?
"Loneliness...?"
I don't think so.
"Pain?"
Not at all.
Then what? I don't understand.
I looked at my life in this world. Look at the moment I was summoned. Forever empty, tired of monotonousness, tired of repetitive cycles and disastrous emotions. I don't understand myself, and that is the source of my biggest problems, but I met people again. I formed bonds with those people, just as I did in my past life.
Inevitably...
"I ended up repeating the same cycle."
Unlikely as it was, it ended up being my reality.
Aah... Gray... Seeing her smile reminds me of good times in my life. Okā-sama smiled a lot, even if she wasn't happy, but unlike okā-sama, Gray seems genuinely happy. That got me thinking about something.
Why is it that every time I look at my past I only remember the bad? It's as if all the good times don't matter compared to the bad.
Then I understood something and found an answer to the fear I feel.
"Again..." I whispered, without anyone in this place being able to hear me.
At the beginning, at the end, at the epilogue of my own life, I fear losing what I achieved, and I fear losing myself in that bottomless abyss.
"Incomprehensible. Irrational."
Is that what it means to be human? If that's so, then I'm on the right track. Any desires I had in the past have been completely erased, but I am still able to feel. I may not fully understand the emotions of a human being, but the fact that I feel so many emotions makes me just like normal people.
Normal...
Gray mentioned something like that earlier. She seems to be getting what she wants.
To the symphony of the dark night on the streets of London, I took a mighty leap that lifted me high in the air. With this mask I can see everything clearly, as if I wasn't really wearing a mask. So I thought... What if I wear a mask all the time...? Not literally, of course. Give it some thought, it makes sense, after all. I'm Toru in front of others, but inside I'm Alek again, even though we're different entities now.
I will think about that. It will be a boost for the future, even if I'm still chained to the past.
-By Gray-
"Toru..."
I looked all over the house, tried to feel him in my heart, but I couldn't find him. Toru is not home? Even though we were together a few hours ago, now it is midnight and I can't find him
"I depend on him so much..."
It was something I had realized before. When he's not by my side, I feel lonely again. I feel like something important was ripped away from me. I know it's bad to depend too much on someone's company, but....
"I told him I love him..."
I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. Maybe that was the most important moment of my life. I told him how I felt. For the first time I didn't hold back. I simply let out everything I wanted Toru to hear.
I love him... I've never felt this way about anyone before. It's too strong a feeling, but I know it's love that I feel. Despite the loneliness and sadness, this feeling becomes warm in my heart, it's something I can't contain.
And it seemed convenient, because just when I am thinking about him, I could feel his presence near me again.
Like a night guest, as well as a vampire, he appeared in the shadows of the lobby door. Everything was dark, so the feeling of danger would scare anyone, but not me because I felt my heart pounding knowing he was back.
He appeared walking as if it was nothing, and when he saw me near the stairs, he opened his eyes a little, as if he wanted to see me clearly.
"You're awake", he said, in that strange, emotionless tone of voice.
"Well, I... I was looking for you."
I no longer felt like lying or hiding what I felt. Ever since I told him my feelings I felt a great relief, as if all the weight of my own life was gone. And now I feel like I can tell him everything. Everything about me, how I feel and how I want to feel.
"I got it. But it's too late now, isn't it? I don't need sleep, but you do."
"I'm glad you care about me, but you don't need to. I just wanted to talk to you. After you went to the professor, you didn't come back."
"Oh... Right. I needed to think about some things so I went out for a while to clear my mind. The night weather is nice as usual", he said, sitting down on the couch. When he sat down, I could see the strange politeness; elegance that Toru had.
I always thought about it, and maybe my thoughts are a little close to the truth of Toru's past. He always has that strange elegant and dangerous aura, but he doesn't look like someone elegant at all. His very attire was that of a warrior from the far east, but with a strange feeling that told me Toru might as well be a person from the west. The elegance he displayed reminded me very much of characters in western books.
All that aside, I sat down next to Toru. This time, unlike last time, I sat very close to him. I took his arm and hugged him gently. He looked at me, but didn't say anything. Toru just leaned back against the backrest of the sofa and looked up at the ceiling.
"I'm curious what you and the professor talked about."
"We talked about the War for the Holy Grail."
"Uh-", was a sudden response that took me by surprise. With so many things on my mind, I had forgotten that Toru and Sakura have a war to fight in. That also reminded me of the conversation I had with the teacher. "I see. You'll have a lot to do in Fuyuki...", I hope my disappointed tone wasn't too noticeable.
If Toru goes to war, that means he's going to be far away from me. I don't like that idea, or am I being too possessive? I resent the idea of Toru being away... I resent the idea of no longer being able to experience moments together with him.
"Yes... I might not come back."
"What...?"
Toru was very cruel to say that. His voice not only showed the seriousness of the topic, but also a slight hint of worry. I couldn't see the expression on his face, but I felt that somehow he wasn't ready to go to war.
"In wars people die. I've been in a few wars and the result is always the same. When there is something important at stake, people tend to try to kill each other to get it, therefore, that leaves us any chance. The six magus we will have to face will use any method to win. That's if they're not idiots enough to get carried away by their pride."
I know what Toru is referring to. Magus are very proud and, to some extent, narcissistic.
"But you're very strong, you'll be able to win. You will be able to come back."
Toru looked me in the eye after I said that.
"That doesn't assure me of anything, Gray. Still, if it's for my master, I'll fight as many times as it takes. That's what I was summoned for. I'm just the tool of a magus, after all. As long as Sakura-sama has the command seals, I will remain bound to this war, to this world..."
"But that's-" I hug Toru tighter. Maybe it's already obvious to him that I don't like what he's saying. "I don't think that's fair... what if you die for following Sakura's orders?"
...
Toru was silent for a few seconds. He closed his eyes while thinking and then opening his eyes, he simply sighed saying, "It's a possibility", then tilted his head a little while smiling at me. "Why do you ask, are you worried about me?"
You're a fool....
"Of course I'm worried about you" I said, raising my voice a little. "...Toru?", but it seems what I said wasn't right.
Toru looked down at the ground, his smile slowly turning into a slight sad smile.
"I see... Thank you", he brought his hand close to my face and stroked my cheek. "I almost forgot what it feels like to have someone care about you. It's quite a strange thing, to tell you the truth."
Toru almost moved his hand away from my face, but I stopped him by resting my hand on his.
"You're making me believe that you'll really die... You're making me believe that you're somehow saying goodbye" I was as serious as I could since I don't want this to end like this. Something that is just beginning will end with a war... I don't like it....
"Are you telling me you want me to promise to come back?"
"No... I don't..."
"And if I make that promise and die, will you be mad at me?"
Toru had a serious expression as he said that. It was as if he already knew what it entailed to promise something; as if he had already broken that promise before. Still, I...
"Get angry? Do you think I'll have enough courage to get angry? If you die... what will become of me?"
What pathetic words. I realized what I said too late, but....
"Hahaha..." Toru laughed. "What are we, Romeo and Juliet?"
I was getting serious and this guy comes out with this. It's not something that bothered me, but knowing the fate of Romeo and Juliet, it just makes this situation more awkward.
Before I could answer him, Toru stood up.
"Anyway. You go to sleep. I'll still be over there, floating around doing nothing-"
But I took him by the hand and forced him to sit up. He looked surprised for a second, but I just looked him in the eyes as I sat on his legs.
"Don't you want to sleep?"
His question, the way he said it as he looked at me with that expressionless face, somehow came across as adorable to me. So I replied, "No. I want to be with you."
That's all I want...
"You are very intense..." he said.
I don't know what came over me at that moment. No, I do. I know what I'm doing and what I'm doing it for. Our conversation must be more than just depressing parting words for an upcoming war.
Toru... I want you to understand me, just as I want to understand you. Deep in my heart I had been searching for this, something or someone who could see through me, through this mask of King Arthur.
Thinking about that, I put my hands on Toru's chest and squeezed his cloak tightly so as not to let go and said, "I love you."
Unlike last time, Toru kept quiet. He looked at me expressionless as usual, but then he closed his eyes and sighed. As I opened my eyes, he put his hands on my hips and, without taking his eyes off me, replied with, "I know..."
However, I...
"I love you"
"I know..."
"Even though it hasn't been long since we met, I really love you."
"I know..."
"Every day, every second of my life. Even though I'm just getting to know these emotions, I know what I feel. Asahi Toru, you are the man who saved me. And now I want to save you. In spite of that, I love you."
Toru nodded. "I know. thank you for loving me", this time there was a certain tone of nostalgia in his words. "Thank you for wanting to save me."
"This is not just because I want to save you. I saw something in you that no one else could, that made me want to know more about you. And the more I got to know you, the more I fell in love with you. That's why I want to tell you again and again until you always remember. I love you, and I will love you more than anyone else."
Toru's breath trembled, I could feel it in my hands. From one moment to the next, very gently, Toru put his hands behind my back and very carefully hugged me, placing his forehead on my breast.
Although I can no longer feel what Toru feels, it was enough for me to know that he hugs me this way because he feels hesitant. There is something I don't know about him, but eventually I will know because my love for him is just blossoming.
In the meantime, I cupped Toru's cheeks with my palms and made him look at me.
"Are you feeling sad" I asked him, but Toru just looked away. Although I didn't realize it at first, I'm smiling. I don't know what kind of smile I have, but I guess it embarrassed Toru. "You'll never be alone again, Toru", and before he could look at me, I kissed him by pushing him against the sofa.