Nicholas has always thought of himself as the absolute representation of Autocracy Personified, Majestified, Infinitely determined, and powerful. Always strict with others, even stricter with himself. But he is a man. And a man has flaws. Many a thing has happened that have shaken him to his core.
The first would be his son's knowledge and display of intelligence. From what he heard from Vasily and other tutors, Alexander is remarkably smart, ahead of his years in every subject.
And also the event with his son where he asked him to have Konstantin publicly announce his renunciation so that there would be no confusion during succession that may lead to a revolt. The insights he presented were not those of a seven-year-old child.
But then things just took a turn for the worse. His brother, Tsar Alexander I, had passed away. His son's deduction came true, proving that he took the right course of action. But his death still devastated him. But that wasn't the worst. What scared him the most was the state of his son, Alexander. He fainted with his eyes bleeding. Thankfully, his wife noticed first and hurriedly told someone to get the imperial physician.
Never in his life has he felt so... afraid. So scared. so helpless. All he could do was watch and pray that his son got better. Many thoughts overcame him, and he started feeling regret for his actions. Regretting his strict and cold attitude. He... wanted to hug him at least once.
He had not shaved in days. His eyes sunken. His uniform, usually pressed and immaculate, was wrinkled and stained with the remnants of his hurried vigil, smelling of sweat and fear. He, Nicholas, the living embodiment of order and control, was a mess. A weak man, a scared father. A Tsar who had no answers and no commands to give, only a silent prayer on his lips.
***
The palace schoolroom was always thick with the scent of beeswax and the unspoken tension of General Lamsdorff's presence. Nicholas sat hunched over a problem he couldn't understand, a tangled mess in his mind. Through the window, he would see a company of infantrymen marching across the parade ground with rhythmic precision.
"GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS!" the general yelled, his voice cutting through the wind. "Your attention wanders. Again."
Nicholas flinched, his spine stiffening. "Forgive me, sir. This problem is difficult."
At his words, Lamsdorff strode to his desk, his presence imposing, snatching the book from his hands. Scanning the lines, he said, "Difficult? Or are you simply lazy to try?"
Nicholas, seeing as there was no correct answer, thought that it was probably not a good idea to say the problem was too difficult. "I'm too lazy, sir." To that, the general simply answered, "You know how laziness is fixed?" as he started raising his cane.
"I don't know, sir." The general then brought the cane up and hit Nicholas with it. "Through action. Say it: Discipline through action!" yelled the general at Nicholas as he raised his cane once again and hit him on his cheek. "Discipline through action," mumbled Nicholas, the pain making it hard to speak. Blood came from his nose, with a metallic taste in his mouth.
"LOUDER!" said the general as he hit him even harder on the hand.
"Discipline through action!" Nicholas said as best as he could, his speech slurred.
"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!" yelled the general as he hit Nicholas harder than before, this time on the waist.
"DISCIPLINE THROUGH ACTION! UGH!"
Thus, this continued for a bit until the general was satisfied. After it was over, Nicholas was trembling from pain, lying on the ground his body bruised all over. With every movement sending waves of pain throughout his body.
"Good. you learned your first lesson." the general said. Satisfied at the result. The six-year-old Nicholas was afraid to say anything.
And the dream fades away as Nicholas wakes up.
***
Opening his eyes, he looks around the room. His son is still lying on the bed, covered with a blanket. He sees three people on the bed, and upon looking closer, he sees his wife, Alexandra, and his two daughters, Maria and Olga, sleeping soundly beside his son. Thankfully, it is a king-sized bed, so there is plenty of room.
Scanning the room, Nicholas looks outside the window, noting that it is already dark. Inside, a fireplace, albeit with no fire, sits in the corner. Plants adorn some furniture, and a small, round coffee table and a single chair sit empty. On the wall, a painting of a magnolia flower is hung.
His wife and two daughters are asleep, and he knows he should not disturb them, but sleeping on the same bed as the patient is not a good idea. He moves to pick up his wife, but stops just before his hands touch her. He sees her slightly puffy eyes and the dried streaks of tears on her face. A memory from six years ago surfaces in his mind, of his wife's immense grief when their child was stillborn. He remembers how devastated she was, and the memory makes him pull his hand back. He dares not imagine how worried she must feel, terrified of losing another child. Staying for a single night would not hurt. And so, he gently lifts his two daughters, carrying them to their respective beds.
With his decision, as he leaves and closes the door, a small, almost imperceptible ember flickered in the fireplace.
As Nicholas puts the last daughter to bed and starts heading to his room, he notices a lit candle in the hallway, next to it a mirror. As he looks into it he is once again reminded of his pathetic appearance. At this point, he couldn't care how he looks now. He just wants his son to recover. With that, he goes to sleep.
***
A woman was lying on a bed, her face pale as her body went through the greatest ordeal a woman's body goes through in their life: giving birth. Her breaths were weak.
The midwife, after checking the baby's body, didn't know how to break the news to the woman lying on the bed.
"W...why is the baby not crying?" asked the woman.
The midwife, steeling her heart, tells her, "The baby is stillborn, Your Highness."
Silence. Absolute silence. As if the woman stopped breathing, trying to process what she just heard now.
Then, a sound one would never forget in their life; the wail of a mother who has lost her child.
"Aaaaaaaahh!"
A desperate cry as she was plunged into despair. Her chin trembled as tears streamed down her face. Her body, unable to handle the emotional pain after the recent physical one, was completely overwhelmed as she fainted.
The midwives and nannies could only look upon her with pity, as there was not much that could be done.
In the following days, the woman barely ate anything. Her eyes seemed lifeless. She often walked through the hallways without purpose or direction.
One afternoon, while she was alone in her room, a small boy, barely the age of three, came in shyly. He came near the chair she was sitting in and handed her a letter.
"Mom looks sad, so I wrote you a letter," he said, raising the letter in his hand.
The woman, touched by her son's gesture, patted his hand and took it.
"Thank you. I'll make sure to read it."
A smile spread across the small child's face as he waited in anticipation. As she read it, tears began to stream down her face once more.
"Mom is sad and I don't want you to be sad so I want you to know that you are a good mom and that it will be fun if you took me outside to look. by: Alexander"
Alexander was looking away shyly when he noticed the tears streaming down from his mother's face.
"Did I make mom more sad?" he asked.
Hurriedly wiping away her tears, Alexandra denied it. "No, no, I was simply so happy I couldn't hold back my tears. Hey, how about we go outside together today?"
The small Alexander, hearing his mother's words, beamed a happy smile and agreed. "Yes! I really wanted to go near the lake. Can sister Maria come? Pretty please?"
"Haha, sure, why not? The three of us will have a great time together!" Alexandra replied, managing her first genuine laugh after the news of her stillborn daughter.
***
Alexander's hand moved slowly as he gradually woke up. Feeling more clearheaded than usual he re-positioned himself on the bed as to lean his back against the wall. His clear green eyes looked around the unfamiliar room. Noticing his mother laying on the bed, his hand clenched in her hand. The morning light reflected on her long brown hair he inherited from her. And as if sensing something, her light blue eyes fluttered open as she also woke up.
Alarmed, she looked to the place where she remembered her two daughters were, but then calmed herself down. As she sees the empty chair where her husband used to sit was empty. Figuring that he must have put them in their respective beds. But then a familiar voice pulled her eyes. One, that she is relieved to hear.
"Mother?" Alexander asked questioningly.
Alexandra, feeling countless emotions, covered her mouth with both her hands as tears started forming in her eyes, before pulling Alexander in a hug. "I'm happy you are awake, my son." Alexander, lost for words, hugged his mother back saying, "I'm happy you are doing well too mom." His words caused a slight chuckle to escape her lips as she then let him go and informed him.
"I will go tell the others as well as the Imperial physician that you are awake. In the meanwhile continue resting on the bed. Alright?"
To her words Alexander agrees, as his body currently feels weak. Alexandra, reassured by her son's words leaves the room.
After informing her family and the Imperial physician that Alexander has woken up they all rushed to his room. Especially his father, not even keeping up with basic appearances as he reached his son's room first. Standing before the door, with many thoughts swirling in his mind, he opens it. What greets him is his son's clear green eyes that he inherited from him.
Standing there awkwardly, Nicholas doesn't know what to say. He coughs lightly to relieve the awkwardness. He closes the door and sits on a chair. Alexander, also trying to relieve the awkwardness, tries to start a conversation.
"So... How is everyone?"
"They are fine, just worried. Especially your mother."
"I see..."
"How are you feeling?"
"Other than a bit weak and hungry, nothing else."
When his father entered he didn't know what to feel. The man he was always intimidated by and often times reprimanded by to constantly maintain his appearance that would befit a soldier was sitting on a chair near the bed. Unkempt with sunken eyes. Albeit, with a bit of light in them. Probably because he was awake. Alexander doesn't know what to make of it.
It's then that the door got opened and Alexandra, along with three of her daughters, Maria, Olga, and Alexandra, enters.
"Alex!" yelled Maria, smiling widely, happy to see her brother awake. Next to Maria, a three-year-old Olga was also there, standing shyly. His mother was also standing, holding her seven-month-old daughter, Alexandra.
Seeing them, Alexander was also happy that they came to see him. Then, Maria ran forward, took off her shoes and climbed up on the bed. Olga, watching her older sister, also wanted to climb up and barely managed to do so. Their mother, not having the energy to tell them to get down, also placed the seven-month-old daughter on the bed.
And while exploring the huge king-sized bed, Maria told Alexander, "You bled from your eyes. are you blind?"
"Maria!"
"What?"
"That's rude!"
At their exchange, Alexander laughs slightly and replies, "Mother, it's fine. And no, I'm not blind. Just feeling a bit weak."
Nicholas, having moved to the corner, watching the interaction between his family, feels a bit distant from them. Having acted as a disciplinarian instead of a father his whole life.
His wife, Alexandra, noticing him alone in the corner, calls him. "Nicholas, come here for a second."
Wondering as to why his wife asked him to come he does so and inquires, "What is it?"
She then whispers something in his ear.
"What? No way."
"Come on, don't be a baby, didn't you say you wanted to hug your son?"
Nicholas, feeling conflicted and nervous as he had never hugged any of his children before, slowly steps near his son's bed, pulling him into his embrace. "I'm sorry." was all Nicholas could mutter.
And Alexander, his eyes softening from his father's action and apology, hugs him back.
"Heyyy, I want to hug too!" Maria stated as she went in to hug Alexander as well.
Olga, not wanting to be left out, also joins in the hug. And with it even the seven-month-old Alexandra and their Mother. The entire family hugs.
With Alexander's thought being, 'I think I'm suffocating'