After the washing machine cultivation incident, my life had completely become a non-stop public humiliation spectacle. One morning I was dropping my son Xiaochuan off at school, exchanged a greeting with the security guard at the gate, lost control of my spiritual energy for just a split second, and the casual wave of my hand sent a blast of wind shooting straight up into a plane tree three storeys high, taking the old guard's cap with it. The old man chased me half a block with his electric baton, hollering the whole way: "You little punk, how dare you bring an air gun to school — just you wait till I tell the principal!"
Late that night I crouched on the balcony, staring gloomily at my system panel. The Qi Refining progress bar was stubbornly stuck at eighteen percent without so much as a twitch, the little old man hadn't shown his face in a week, and the ring sat there as quiet and useless as a lump of scrap metal. I slapped my thigh in frustration. "Worthless system — don't tell me you took one look at how hopeless I am and bolted."
The words had barely left my mouth when the ring suddenly grew hot. Ding — congratulations, Host has triggered hidden mechanism: Desperate Breakthrough.
The little old man's holographic projection flickered to life. This time he had on a set of pyjamas printed with the words "FOUNDATION BUILDING IS FUN," and he was cradling a cup of Kang Shuai Fu pickled-cabbage instant noodles. He slurped a mouthful of noodles and spoke. "Want to break through to the First Layer of Qi Refining? You'll need somewhere dense with spiritual energy — somewhere like, say… your refrigerator."
"The fridge?" I stared at my double-door refrigerator, stuffed to capacity with leftovers, my face a wall of question marks.
"Exactly!" The little old man let out a satisfied belch; a droplet of noodle broth clung to the very tip of his handlebar moustache. "All those frozen cucumbers and vegetables you've been keeping in there have formed a miniature spiritual energy vortex. Now go sit cross-legged in front of it and follow my instructions."
"Exactly!" He belched again, and with a splat the noodle broth dripped from the tip of his moustache straight into my collar — cold and ticklish, like a tiny earthworm wriggling against my skin. "The spiritual energy you channelled while freezing those cucumbers has reacted with the refrigerator's cold air to produce an 'Ice-Chilled Spirit Vortex.' Now go stand there like a human ice lolly — and remember, your backside needs to line up with the ice-maker vent…"
The more I listened, the more fishy this sounded. Backside aimed at the ice-maker vent — how utterly mortifying. Hmph. Rotten system. I'll trust you this once, and if you're playing me I'll smash you into a thousand pieces.
Gritting my teeth with an audible grinding, I pulled open the refrigerator door. A wave of white vapour reeking of yesterday's leftovers hit me square in the face. I'd barely shuffled my rear toward the ice-maker vent when Lin Yao's earth-shattering roar erupted from the bedroom: "Lu Yuan! Where did you put my blood pressure medication?" I flinched violently, and my knee slammed hard into the rim of the freezer drawer. With a clunk, it shot open, and a half-drawer's worth of rock-solid pork belly launched itself out like a red brick and landed squarely on the top of my foot.
"Don't lose focus!" The little old man's voice rattled my eardrums. "Imagine you're a polar bear in the Arctic Ocean, your whole body bristling with icicles — yes, exactly like that cucumber you froze last week!"
"Lu Yuan! Did you eat Xiaochuan's Ultraman ice cream?" Lin Yao's slippers went flip-flap, flip-flap across the floor, closing in on the living room. Every muscle in my body snapped taut. The ball of heat in my dantian went careening around like a drunk who'd knocked back too much erguotou. A frozen fish inside the fridge suddenly cracked open, its eyes glowing an eerie blue. The milk cartons puffed up in unison like tiny balloons and began humming in circles above my head.
Ding — spiritual energy disorder warning! Spiritual energy disorder warning! Activating drum-washing-machine mode! The moment the system chime faded, the floor disappeared from under my feet, and I toppled head-first into the freezer compartment. The frozen dumplings and steamed buns in the drawer seemed to spring to life, dancing a tap routine around me. A rock-hard baguette whooshed past the tip of my nose and embedded itself in the wall opposite, where it swayed back and forth.
"Lu Yuan! What are you doing inside the refrigerator — what kind of nonsense are you pulling this time?!" Lin Yao's shriek detonated right beside my ear. I opened my eyes and came nose-to-nose with her face pressed flat against the refrigerator's glass panel — and the sheer fright sent my spiritual energy completely berserk. A milk carton burst open with a pop; the white liquid crystallised in mid-air into ice blossoms. A frozen fish tail smacked across my face. Even the dust on top of the refrigerator had frozen into ice crystals, scattering like crushed diamonds.
Ding! Spiritual energy rampage triggers "Speed-Frozen Dumplings" achievement.
Ding — Host has completed system task: Reach the First Layer of Qi Refining within three days.
Ding — task reward "Basic Sword Manual" has been issued; task reward "Qi Gathering Pill" ×5 has been issued.
The little old man's voice carried a note of delighted surprise. "Congratulations — disaster turned to fortune, and you've broken through to Qi Refining First Layer! Although…" He fell silent for exactly two seconds. "Your wife's expression is terrifying. I strongly recommend playing dead immediately."
I watched Lin Yao's silhouette, frying pan raised aloft, grow blurry through the refrigerator door. My last glimpse before it all faded was of the pork belly in the freezer drawer, upon which the crescent-shaped dent my knee had gouged was now plainly visible for all to see. If she noticed that, she'd probably want to put a matching dent in my skull with the same frying pan.
At that precise moment, the refrigerator door blew open with a boom, and I shot out like a cannonball, landing squarely on the living room sofa. Lin Yao stood to one side, frying pan in hand, eyes wider than copper bells. "Lu Yuan! You've done this to the refrigerator — are you trying to start a revolution?!"
I had no time to explain. I excitedly opened my system panel. A glowing golden tome floated before my eyes, bearing the inscription: Basic Sword Manual — Beginner's Survival Edition.
I grabbed my son's toy sword and got ready to test the might of this technique.
The little old man's voice materialised from nowhere, this time with a bucket of popcorn in hand. "Don't get too excited. This sword manual demands 'unity of person and sword.' At your current level, wielding it will probably feel about the same as waving a fire poker."
Lin Yao's frying pan whizzed past my ear and buried itself in the sofa, sending wood shavings flying. I brandished the toy sword and cried out, "Honey! This is cultivation! This is a superpower!" The vein on her forehead pulsed visibly. She forced the words through clenched teeth: "Oh, superpowers, is it? Then go fix the fridge. And turn Xiaochuan's ice cream back."