I have a problem.
I close my eyes. Laying down in my crib like...everyday, well, not like everyday because usually I'm worming around.
This time I'm completly still. Just like I usually am for my meditation and pain tolerance training and stuff.
Why am I like that?
Well, to meditate, kind of, I'm doing the same thing as usual but this time I want to confirm a worry of mine. One that started to grow some days ago.
I noticed it pretty soon in my training, after I found the path to heal. After I did my analogy with the pain being like a cream.
After my whole crawling training, actually, even before that.
Yeah. Even before that, I noticed something weird.
Creams have an end, you rub it on you, again and again, until everything is absorbed and there's no cream anymore! Youpie, you finished everything. And in my case?
I live a normal life without feeling like I'm dying every seconds.
Which is more than I could ever hope for.
In any case, here's where the problem started.
After I noticed this whole absorbing effect, I started doing the meditation everyday, and comparing the pain with when I move, and when I don't move.
Getting used to the feeling. Getting used to my pain and learning everything I could about it to never suffer again.
At least it was in the hope of never suffering ever again
But there's a problem with that.
The problem is simple.
I move my hand around. Like usual, the pain, the thread and the bases in my hand starts to spread, until the pain slowly fades out to a much more comfortable 70% pain.
Like usual.
Problem is....
I've been counting in percentage and...a dumb and cute giggle escapes me.
It's cute, even when I wanted to show despair.
Annoying body. Yes, fucking annoying body indeed because I'm pretty sure that...nothing is getting absorbed?
Like I said, I saw the problem before. When I started my practice, and started moving my arms around and tried to crawl.
I saw the problem, but I just assumed I needed time for it to like...actualize, to get a new baseline of pain.
But I'm not.
It's as if...the pain is growing at the same moment I'm removing it.
It's like removing water from a sinking boat with a bucket, there's always more coming.
And that's not normal.
I'M SURE I'M HEALING!
At least it looks like it when I train. The more pronounced changes happens when I crawl, when I do something hard, as I explained before, the harder it is, the more relief I get.
I push myself on my belly, the movement almost smooth now, and directly land on all fours as I start crawling in my crib.
One step, two steps, multiples one, I'm a fucking lizard now.
And as I crawl, going forward, and then backward before I hit the end of the crib. I close my eyes, feeling the pain in my veins, in those...threads as I call them
The pain is there. It drops down as I crawl, until it settles to a comfortable 50%, centipedes in my veins.
And then it stops. Not dropping more.
See? The relief when I crawl is pretty high, pretty damn high. Still, there's a big problem.
It's been one month since I got this realization, since I first crawled and saw the problem in all of this.
It's never ending.
Whenever I fall asleep, the pain is the same as yesterday.
No matter how much I can relieve it in one day. It never sticks, it never ever sticks till the end of the day.
The pain is fucking constant, and whenever I wake up, it's or worse, or the same as yesterday.
WHY!?
It's been one month already! Can't I see a sign of progress already!?
I start crying again, while crawling around. And my mother comes into the bedroom to see what's wrong, her babying voice pissing me off
She takes me out of the crib and I start crying even harder.
FUCKING HELL WHY CAN'T I SEE PROGRESS JUST A LITTLE PRGRESS, I'M NOT ASKING FOR THE FUCKING WOLRD HERE!
My mom starts moving me around. Soothing me to sleep, she takes her breast out, thinking I'm hungry but I fucking cry harder.
She takes it back
I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR MILK WOMAN! GIVE ME A DOCTOR FOR ONCE!
Fuck, I feel like I'm going crazy, it's this baby mind combined with the pain, I'm sure of it, some kind of mix of both is missing with my brain.
She keeps moving me around while walking around the house, singing something I completly ignore.
She tries her best, she really does. But it doesn't help the FUCKING pai-!
The door opens.
I almost stop crying from the sudden opening too, and my father comes in with another woman just behind her, holding a baby, just like my mother is doing.
They both enter as if everything is normal.
They greet each other. My mother kisses my father, and she hugs the woman just after.
The baby in her arm looks older than me.
They start saying some things, trying to be more or less relaxed, as if having a crying baby in the house was compeltly normal.
I manage to turn around with the new mobility I got, and look at the baby in the woman arms.
I think she's a baby? Not sure, she looks like a baby, any baby really, but the baby clothes she wears look feminine to me. So it's probably a girl.
She's resting on her mother hips, tilted on it and hugging her torso while her mother carries her.
She looks at me crying.
Her face scrunches up.
And she starts crying too.
Fucking hell.
The parents looks at each other, the three of them. Desperation climbing in their features, I can feel my mother sigh, just as the woman I don't know starts soothing her baby too just like my mom is doing to me.
You know what?
No, fuck off.
I force myself to stop.
Straight up. Just like that, mid crying I stop.
My mother stops. Look at me, My father stepping forward to see if there's something wrong with me too.
But there's nothing.
I just decided to stop crying.
The other woman looks at me too, but is probably too focused on her child to do anything else.
I turn my head to look at the crying child.
Hah. I'm better.
As if she heard me she starts crying even more, my mother soothes me even more, confused more than anything. But I don't react, holding all the pain at bay even if I want to cry.
You know what?
I have a problem. This I realized, but right now, after stopping myself from crying in the arms of my mother. Seeing how ANNOYING a crying child is again.
I decide on something.
Even if I can't remove the pain forever like I hoped
I won't let that kill me.
I'll get my pain tolerance SO HIGH that I can stay like that for hours even if the pain ravage through my body.
The baby, not me, after being soothed a good amount slowly stops crying.
She still sniffles from time to time, and keep looking at me. But she stopped crying.
I look at her, really look at her. And secretly, I hope that this pain is something every child feels.
Something they all forget when it dissapears.
Hopefully at one years old.