She bit me.
She bit me with her teeth, like a dumb baby, like most baby would do while they're teething.
She fucking bit me. She did it.
And it didn't hurt
This thought 'she bit me' was the source of my life for the next months.
I'm six months old.
And I'm standing up in my crib, thinking about my usual thoughts during the day. She bit me. She bit me.
My eyes focus on the open door, where my mother should be, but she's busy, so she can't see.
I've been hiding this.
No, not the biting, in any case it wasn't too big of a problem. It's not like she cut my finger off.
But she still bit me. She still bit me enough for an adult to be able to feel it, she still bit me enough for any adult to push her off and let out maybe a small yelp.
She definetly bit me hard enough for me, a baby, to cry. I should have cried, then the parents would have come, separated us, and realize that we needed an even stricter supervision.
Yes.
That's what should have happened if I were a normal baby.
She bit me.
...and that's not what I'm hiding.
What I'm hiding is the whole standing thing.
It's still hard to do it of course. And both of my arms are gripping the crib bars, holding myself steady with them.
Since I managed to first stand on my feet, I slowly reduced the amount of support I needed to hold myself straight.
Proof is.
I remove one hand. And I'm just as steady as before, standing on my feet and holding only one bar as support.
This is weird for a six months old to do.
I'm pretty sure it is. I don't know much about babies, I think I made this clear more than once. But I don't know much about babies.
Maybe I'm being paranoid or something.
But I'm pretty sure that being able to stand at six months old is not normal.
What's even weirder is this.
I free the crib totally. Standing with both hands free, the only things keeping me up being my feet on the blanket under me.
I'm standing up.
But I'm not finished. I look to my right, where the window is, the sun is coming down, almost evening. And I take one step forward in my crib.
My hands come up, arms floating to my side like a bird to keep me standing.
I take another step.
And another.
And another until I stand in front of this side of the crib. I hold it, with both hands again and look over my shoulder to see if my mom noticed.
Nothing.
Perfect.
Yes, that's what I'm hiding. Like I said, I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but I'm pretty sure it's not, so I'm hiding it.
Maybe I should stop hiding it?
Maybe I shouldn't.
I don't know really.
Maybe they'll let me move more often outside of my crib if I showed them I was able to walk.
Or maybe they'll burn me at the stake which is...not a bad thing at all.
A dumb laugh comes out of my baby mouth, the thought of living without pain pretty satisfying, then I shake my head fast and hard in a no gesture.
What the fuck did I just thought of right now?
Okay, calm, how about I just...chill and walk around to calm my mind.
And that's what I do. I stop holding the crib, turn around and start walking in my little closed off bed.
It's pretty enjoyable. To be able to walk, to be able to calm down and chill for once
Yeah.
I'm a baby and I complain about not being able to chill.
That's a bit ironic now that I think about it.
But maybe it's less ironic in your eyes if I tell you that my meditation practice advanced so much that I can now keep myself still for thirty minutes straight.
Well, not completly still.
Usually. At ten minutes, some twitches appears in my body. My limbs fly up sometimes, twitching left and right as if some kind of mini alien was trying to get out of my skin.
But they're pretty rare and easily stopable if I feel them before they happen.
Then at twenty minutes, the shaking starts. I start to shake and the pain starts to grow, again. Pretty stoppable. Even if it's harder than the twitches.
The pain grows of course, it's not stoppable like the shaking. It goes over 100% but it's temporary and goes back to 100 directly the second I stop meditating.
When I reach the end of the thirty minutes, around twenty-eight minute, during the last few minutes before my self control snaps and I stop the meditation
Other stuff happens. Other stuff that's similar to my start in this world. Sobs ravages through me, my chest pumps up and down, my little nails dig their way into my blanket, I start arching up my bed like I'm in the exorcist, and I move my body in weird ways that cracks my joints.
I usually try to restrain those movements, but they're like knee jerks reaction, no matter how hard I try it's unstoppable.
It's the usual stuff.
So...yeah. I'd say that I deserve to walk around and chill a bit, walking is great for the pain.
Also. I'll admit...sometimes I don't do the meditation, well, I'm forced to before going to sleep.
But it's true that sometimes. Just sometimes, the thought of putting myself through the pain is too much and I just pass my whole day moving around.
At least I try.
Exhaustion catches up to me pretty easily.
I do think the reason I can do this. -I look down at my feet, steady on the blanket- At six months old is because of how much I'm avoiding the meditation.
Which is a good thing? Kind of? I'm getting stronger by avoiding something I need to do?
Which is a weird feeling.
I experienced a lot of weird feelings since I became a child again, most of those feelings are pain.
Pain...
I keep myself steady on my feet, trying to stand and do something else at the same time. It's a struggle, but I manage, I lift my left hand, and look at it.
I look at my finger. My index finger, the one that got bitten.
There's no trace of the bite anymore.
None.
But I still got bitten hard enough for a baby like me to cry.
It's some kind of reflex for babies right? To cry when they get hurt, to cry for help or to communicate their pain and problems right?
It's something natural for a baby to do.
To cry when they get bit by someone else.
It would be normal to cry for a baby after being being bit?
After all, I've cried a lot since my rebirth, I've cried a lot because... of the pain.
And...because...of the fear of being stuck with that pain forever.
I've...cried a lot because of this right? Baby brain right?
It would be normal for me to cry too if I get hurt by normal things right? Like being bit.
I let my hand drop, turning around in the same breath to walk in my crib. One step, two steps, three, I go faster, and faster, and faster.
It's a bit dangerous isn't it?
Would be a shame if I fell and hurt myself, would be a shame if I cried too right? Because of pain, because of a totally normal pain.
Just like the pain ravaging my body everyday.
It's a totally normal pain, a pain all childs have, and I'll grow out of it right?
Would be a shame if I fell down and it hurt, just like the bite didn't hur-! IT HURT, It fucking hurt, I don't want to hear anything else.
It would be a fucking shame if I hurt myself and felt the pain right? Because it's normal for children to feel pain like that, it's fucking normal, it's totally normal.
It's normal for childrens to hurt themselves when they fall, or when their teeth grow. Just like it's normal for this pain to flood their body every second of the day.
I keep walking, and my tongue roll around my mouth to feel something I've been trying to avoid for the last few days.
In the first row, the trace of a hard thing pushing out of my gums.
My first baby tooth.
...and the horrible horrible bliss of not feeling any pain from it's growth.