There are memories that don't behave like memories.
They don't sit politely in the past tense.
They live in the present like unpaid rent
quiet at first, then suddenly everywhere.
You move forward in calendar years,
but some parts of you stay stuck in emotional time zones
where everything still feels like it's happening right now.
And the worst part is not what happened.
It is what stayed behind inside you
when everyone else kept walking.
You learn to function.
You learn the language of "I'm fine,"
how to smile on command,
how to sound like a person who has never been undone.
But inside, there are nights
where your mind replays old scenes
like a system stuck in loop
no exit button, no skip option, no pause.
And triggers…
they are not loud.
They are intelligent.
They arrive disguised as ordinary things
a tone, a smell, a silence too familiar
and suddenly you are no longer now.
You are then.
Fragile again.
Smaller again.
That version of you you swore you had outgrown
walking back in without permission.
And in those moments,
you don't want advice.
You don't want explanations.
You don't want solutions optimized for productivity.
You want presence.
A hand that doesn't analyze your pain just holds it.
A voice that doesn't ask you to perform healing just stays.
But silence is usually what answers.
So you become your own emergency contact.
You sit with yourself like a responsibility you never trained for.
You hold the parts of you that are shaking
with hands that are also shaking.
And you whisper things you wish the world had said better:
You are not late in your healing.
You are not failing at moving on.
You are not "too sensitive" for remembering.
You are someone who survived something
that still echoes.
And yes some days survival does not look strong.
Some days it looks like breathing through memories
that refuse to retire.
But even then, there is a quiet data point the pain forgets to erase:
You are still here.
And staying when leaving your own mind would be easier
is its own form of resistance.
-Ana.
Yonsei University stood before me like something pulled straight out of a dream grand, timeless, almost unreal. The architecture wasn't just beautiful, it felt intentional, like every brick had been placed with meaning. The main building rose like a quiet palace, carrying the elegance of old English mansions you only ever see in films or read about in books that smell like history. In the center, a massive stone block stood with silent authority, while two perfectly balanced wings stretched out on both sides, giving the entire structure a royal symmetry structured, disciplined, almost intimidating in its perfection.
The grey stone walls had a soft, weathered texture, like they had witnessed decades of stories, laughter, heartbreak, and beginnings. Ivy and tall trees wrapped parts of the campus in a natural embrace, as if nature itself had refused to stay outside the university gates. Wide glass windows reflected the soft daylight, and every reflection looked like another version of a life I could live here.
I stand there, and compose myself telling myself that I'm not that old insecure girl from past, I'm grown up and changed. My heartbeat fastens a bit, but this time it's not from the fears of past it's from excitement, curiosity, and adrenaline. I step forward.
Surrounded by tall trees and deep greenery, the grey-bricked walls blended with nature in a way that felt both ancient and alive. The pathways were clean and wide, lined with neatly trimmed bushes, and lamp posts that looked like they belonged in a different era. As I stepped through the university gates, everything seemed oddly quiet at first… almost too quiet. But slowly, like a scene coming to life, the space began to fill students walking, voices rising, footsteps echoing against stone and glass.
Every step feels like I'm leaving that ugly part of my life behind. It's a new start, and maybe as Mr. Life savior always said… it's the good one. Who knows… but this time I want to believe that everything will go fine. I looked at the girl walking beside me.
Su Yeon had picked me up from the airport. She was assigned by the university as my guide for the tour. A slim girl with shoulder-length hair and soft front bangs simple, but there was something calm about her presence. The good thing was, she spoke English, so we could communicate easily without awkward pauses.
The traces of last night's anxiety were no longer visible on my face. I was still nervous… but there was curiosity too, quietly growing inside me.
She showed me around the campus. The place was massive far bigger than I had imagined and breathtaking in a way that made it feel separate from the rest of the world. Like it wasn't just a university, but a small self-contained universe where time moved differently. Even though it was August, the weather felt unusually pleasant. The air was fresh, carrying a faint scent of grass and stone after morning watering, the greenery vibrant, and everything looked… peaceful.
We were heading toward the main building.
Su Yeon didn't talk much maybe she wasn't the talkative type, or maybe she simply didn't want to talk. Either way, she quietly guided me through the pathways. Around us, students moved in and out of buildings, classes were in full swing, and yet everything still felt strangely calm, like even noise here had discipline.
In front of the main building, a wide staircase led up like a ceremonial path into something important. Each step felt heavier than it looked. We climbed together, though I followed slightly behind her. As we passed by a few students, she greeted them with a soft "hello" before leading me inside the management department.
The interior felt even more structured polished floors reflecting soft lights, walls lined with notices and academic boards, the scent of paper, coffee, and fresh paint mixing together in a quiet rhythm. There, we completed the necessary formalities forms, documents, signatures. Everything felt routine, but my body was slowly giving up. The long flight, then coming here… it had drained every bit of energy I had left.
After that, we made our way toward the hostel.
The hostel building was painted white, standing in contrast to the grey bricks of the university. It looked softer, more personal like a place meant to hold people, not just teach them. It was located at the back side, surrounded by tall trees that cast cool shadows over the quiet road leading up to it. The path itself felt peaceful almost isolated and the gentle rustling of leaves made everything feel even calmer, like the world had lowered its voice just for this place.
I wish I could spend all my time in this serene place, a quiet thought whispered in my heart.
We finally reached the hostel, and that's when I found out Su Yeon was my roommate. We would be staying together.
The room was surprisingly spacious. Two single beds placed on opposite sides like a silent agreement of space and boundaries, with study tables and bookshelves neatly arranged beside them. There was even a mini fridge tucked into the corner, humming softly like it already belonged here.
For a student… this room was perfect.
I lifted my gaze, taking in everything around me with quiet admiration.
And then I dropped onto the bed.
"Hhhuuffffffff…" I exhaled deeply. I was exhausted. Just from this.
After spending most of my time in my room, suddenly changing the environment and coming directly from home to another country feels exhausting, I thought.
Su Yeon looked at me, slightly surprised.
"What happened?"
"Nothing… just tired," I mumbled into the pillow.
"Hmm… I guess you should take some rest," she said, picking up her bag.
"Where are you going?" I asked, lifting my head slightly.
She turned back to look at me.
"I've a shoot tonight," she replied calmly, "and you're tired… so you must need silence."
"No… it's okay. I don't want to be alone right now," I said, my voice low.
I don't know why I stopped her, maybe it's something in her presence the soft warmth and peace that reminded me of someone. Oh no no no don't think about her right now, I scold myself silently.
Her eyes scanned me for a moment, then softened.
"Okay… I'll stay."
She sat beside me on the bed.
"So, Judi… tell me more about you."
I looked at her, slightly caught off guard.
"Umm… there's not much to tell," I said slowly. "Why don't you start? Tell me something about yourself. And… you said 'shoot' earlier what does that mean? Are you an actor or something?" I assumed.
She chuckled lightly.
"No, I'm not an actor. I'm a model for magazines and ramp walks. Mostly in Seoul and Busan. But it's just a job," she said casually. "I'm a senior-year student in humanities. We study philosophy, Korean literature, history… Asian studies."
She spoke calmly, telling me about her course and friends like she was used to explaining this.
"I'm from Busan, but I moved here for my studies. And… that's all about me. Now tell me about you," she said, looking straight at me.
I didn't know what to say.
"I'm… Judi Adams. From London," I said after a pause. "I don't really know what else to add."
A slow sigh escaped my lips.
"Oh… so you're here on a scholarship?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Then… your father is rich?" she asked again, almost casually.
I went quiet at that. Something in my chest tightened.
"Why?" I asked instead.
She shrugged. "Just like that. I study on a scholarship, but I still work to cover my expenses. Just curious, nothing else."
A pause.
"He died," I heard myself say.
The words felt heavier than I expected.
But the heaviness was not about the losing of love, it's grief, regret, and most of all hate for myself.
"He's… dead. And my uncle handles everything now."
I don't know why but saying it like that made me feel… small. Almost ashamed. I will repay them… I assured myself.
"And… I want to find a job too," I added quietly.
She looked at me for a second, studying my face.
"Have you ever worked before?"
I shook my head.
After that incident, my 2 years spent isolated in my room and therapy center… and my mom thinks I ruined my youth years after high school. Thoughts kept rotating in my head.
Her voice pulled me out.
"Hmm… no experience. Do you know Korean?"
"I do… but I can't speak fluently. Why?"
Why is she asking all this? The question formed silently in my mind.
She grinned.
"Because I have a part-time job opportunity. If you're okay with it."
"A job?" I sat up slightly. "What kind of job? Where?"
"At a coffee shop," she said simply.
"Coffee shop?" I repeated.
"Yeah. My aunt owns it. She needs a worker. If you're okay with it, I can talk to her for you. What do you say?"
"You can?" My voice lifted a little. "Oh thank you, Su Yeon."
Well, working at a coffee shop is not the ideal type but something would be better than nothing, a thread of gratitude bloomed in my heart.
"No need to thank me," she said with a small smile. "But… she's a bit bossy. You'll have to compromise. Still, she's really nice."
"It's okay," I said. "And… when can I start my classes?"
My mind was already trying to build a schedule.
"From Monday. It's better if you take three days to settle in first."
"Hmm…" I nodded.
She stood up, picking her bag.
"I've got a shoot now. Bye. Take rest. And if you need anything or have any problem call me."
I nodded again.
She left.
And just like that… the room fell silent.
For a moment, it felt too quiet.
I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I took a deep breath, trying to relax my body.
Slowly… I closed my eyes.
But peace didn't come.
Thousands of thoughts rushed in.
How am I going to find him?
What would he look like now?
It's been twelve years… would he even remember me?
Will he be happy to see me?
My thoughts shifted without warning.
Mom.
Uncle.
Him.
No one had texted me.
Okay… it's only been 24 hours… but still.
I'm alone here.
At least a message… or a call.
A sigh slipped from my lips.
I hate when my thoughts shift without my permission. I don't want to think about them. I assured myself that I'm ok. Rubbing my palm on my arms, a gesture to soothe myself.
I was normal half an hour ago. I came here, I left everything behind, I murmured to myself. A shiver rolled down my body.
I tried to relax my body by inhaling deep breaths, giving air to my lungs as much as I can give.
Soon my eyelids turned heavy and I exhaled a relieved breath.
The vision blurred and I felt my body resting more comfortably on the bed.
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