Chapter 49: Raze
Zein's Point of View...
The difficulty of having to pretend to others that you are okay even if you know within yourself that you are not. I can make others believe, but I can never deceive myself.
I feel like a part of me is missing that can never be found. Shit! I don't want this anymore.
"It's night already..."
I didn't bother to turn to look at Matt; instead, I just took another swig of the alcohol in the glass and swallowed it directly. I closed my eyes at the bitterness as it settled in my throat.
I was about to pour alcohol into the glass again when Matt beat me to it. I watched him fill the glass and hand it to me. I just smiled before taking it and swallowing it.
I leaned back in the chair as I felt my surroundings spin. When was the last time I had a drink? UGH! The feeling is hot.
I couldn't manage to look at Matt again because I felt his stare on me.
"I'm okay." I said foolishly, even though he wasn't asking.
I heard his soft laugh, so I furrowed my brow at him.
"What's funny?" I asked.
He shook his head at me, so I just pouted. He seems more drunk than I am.
"You are not ok. You don't need to make a smile if you can't."
I watched him pour alcohol into the glass again, but he was the one who drank it now. He didn't close his eyes at the sting; instead, he was looking at me while draining the contents of the glass.
While looking into his eyes, I feel like I'm not the only one hurting. Shit! He's hurting too... Even if he doesn't admit it, I can feel it in these moments.
"he is lucky to have you... so much."
It felt like I ran out of air and words to throw back. I couldn't gather the right answer to respond; instead, I just stared blankly.
"I'm jealous."
"M-Matt."
"Shh... I'm okay."
My lip trembled when I saw him putting on the pretense I had done earlier. I don't know how Matt got past the pain I caused. I cannot reciprocate the love he is giving.
He poured alcohol into the glass again and handed it to me. I smiled bitterly before taking it and drinking it. I winced as my vision spun again. I closed my eyes briefly to calm myself down.
"I know you are in deep pain... If I could only do something to ease your pain... I would be glad to take it all."
"I can't love you... stop loving me." I said emphatically.
I know that words suck and painful but I just want to be honest. I don't like what he's doing.
He smiled, but I know it's fake. I want to slap him awake from his madness that he doesn't need to do this. He shouldn't hurt himself anymore. Shit! Matt, wake up! I can't catch you... enough already.
"I tried to stop this feeling, Zein... but I always end up with I can't... Failed."
The corners of his eyes reddened, and I kind of want to close my eyes so I won't see him. Tangina! I'm hurting him again. I've hurt so many. Is it really like this when you love? Do you have to hurt someone? Do you have to cry first? Do you have to experience this first?
"But... why didn't you fight for me?"
I know it is so insensitive to ask that but I want to know his side. I am also curious about his feeling for me.
"We are not in a game where you are the prize for the winner... You have your own decisions in life and I don't want you to choose between I and him. Zein... it was clear to me from the beginning."
Damn this Matthew Hart! If I hadn't met Ace, maybe I would be with him now, but no... fate played with us. How unfortunate.
"Go to sleep already."
I watched him clean the table. I couldn't stop myself from standing up and hugging him tightly. He paused in his actions, so I hugged him even tighter.
"Matt... You will find someone better than me... someone who will love you more than you can love me... You deserve to be love more than you can."
"Is there another Zein Shion in the world?" He joked, which made me laugh softly.
"No more... but there is someone better than Zein Shion."
I don't know how I fell asleep last night after all our conversation, Matt and I. I admit that somehow I felt better, especially since I felt his feelings. We are both hurting.
When I saw Sir Alvarez, I quickly approached him. He was a bit surprised when I suddenly appeared.
"Oh Zein, it's you. Do you need something?" He asked while smiling.
"Can we talk?"
I saw hesitation and worry in his eyes, but he nodded quickly too. We went to his office, and I told him everything I found out.
I don't know what to feel about the sudden silence of Sir Alvarez. I don't know what he's thinking, and even if I want to ask, I just let him think for a moment.
I know he was shocked too, like me, but it's better this way.
"We are too late..."
"It's too late..."
I didn't know what he meant, but I knew the outcome of this conversation wouldn't be good.
"W-what do you mean?"
"They already know the formula... sooner or later... it will be completed. There's nothing we can do anymore."
"So... we'll just let them succeed?" I asked in disbelief.
I met his deep stare because I didn't want him to see that I was losing hope too. No! It's not too late yet... we can still do something so they won't succeed.
"Listen..." he said deeply. "I want you to stop what you are doing." He said seriously.
I frowned and subtly clenched my fist. "You want me to stop looking for the hidden laboratory?" I clarified with a bitter tone in my voice.
He leaned back in his swivel chair and seemed to be analyzing what I was feeling. I wanted him to know that it's not too late... that we can do something if we act. I don't want to give up... I will never give up.
"This is not for me... it's for you too. Zein, you are not a stranger to me anymore." He smiled but I couldn't return it. "I-I don't want anything bad to happen to you because of me... Zein, I don't want you to be harmed. I won't forgive myself." He said sincerely with a hint of sadness.
Sir Alvarez isn't a stranger to me either. But if he's just worried about my well-being, I can say that I can handle myself. I've faced many dangers... I've fought Death once. I promised myself that I won't let myself be trapped here forever. I will fight for them... not for me.
"Sir... Let me help. Please... I want to help." I pleaded.
He smiled and came closer to me. My chest tightened when he hugged me. Suddenly, I missed Daddy. Shit! I don't want to die yet... I still want to be with them. Mommy... my older sister Allison. Damn!
"Zein... It's dangerous." He said while still hugging me. "Please.." He added.
I felt my eyes well up so I quickly pulled away from his embrace and stood up. I stared at him steadfastly.
"If you've given up... I haven't. If you don't want to anymore... I still do. It's too late? We're just starting." I inhaled. "I will do everything to stop them." I turned my back on him. "Sorry but you can't do anything about it." I added before finally leaving that place.
I don't know where I'll start or how I'll stand by what I said. Whatever happens, I just won't give up.
I paused briefly when I realized where my feet were taking me. Only now did I notice that the path I was taking was the admins' office.
I swallowed before continuing to walk when someone grabbed my arm. Fear quickly consumed me and I couldn't resist.
Even if I wanted to pull my arm away, it felt like I couldn't and I just let him pull me.
"I didn't know you could be stupid sometimes too." He said when he finally let go of me.
We are now in the wooded part of HU and the person in front of me now is undoubtedly the leader of DGW.
I remained stunned, staring at him. His entire face was covered by a red mask and only one red eye was visible, but it was enough to make me shiver.
"I know you're just caught in a difficult situation but that's not enough reason for you to make a reckless decision. If you want to die, just say so. I will grant your wish right here... right now, Darling."
My hair stood on end not because of his threat but because of him mentioning a word that brought back memories I was trying hard to bury in oblivion.
"Don't you dare..."
"What?" He laughed slightly, which made my teeth grind even more. "Tell me darling... what's wrong?" He mocked further.
"Stop saying that damn word! Fuck you!"
He burst out laughing, which added to the annoyance I was feeling. I know he's just teasing me.
"Why? Does it hurt hearing those words?" He asked.
"But he is in deep pain compared to you." He added with a hint of bitterness.
I don't know why he's doing this but it hurts. It hurts that he's reminding me of everything I did. Tangina (Damn it)! I don't want to feel this anymore.
"You gave up so easily. You know why? Because you didn't really love him."
"Who the hell are you to doubt my feelings for him?" I asked with raised eyebrows. "You know nothing." I added.
He knows nothing about what I feel that's why it's easy for him to say that. He doesn't know what sacrifice I made because he isn't me. If you would try to step into my shoes... you will feel the deadly pain I am feeling.
"Did you ever once think about what he felt?"
I paused briefly and ran out of words to slap him with. Did I really think about what he felt? Or just his well-being? Which one weighed more?
"Everything he has is worthless if the woman he loves isn't with him."
"Stop it."
I slightly lowered my head when tears started to well up in my eyes. I know his point and I hate that I am starting to doubt if my decision was really for the better or just for the deep worst.
Supremo?
I already turned around and was about to run away when I felt his arms wrap around my body.
I don't know why but I felt like it was Supremo hugging me. What is this?
"Supremo had something to say pala (apparently). Want to know?"
I don't know how to answer because my chest felt so tight, like his hug was strangling me.
"You don't want to?"
"T-tell me." I answered almost in a whisper.
I felt his hug loosen until I was finally free from him.
I faced him and now it was his turn to turn his back on me.
"Why would I tell you? He's not there for you anyway, isn't that right?"
"What did Supremo have to say?"
I became silent and it felt like I was stabbed with a knife to be hurt like this. Oh right.
"Please tell him... Don't neglect himself. Tell him to forget me-"
My eyes widened when he kissed me on the side of my lips. I was so shocked that I couldn't speak or move further. He quickly lowered his mask that he had slightly raised earlier to kiss me.
"Darling, please come back..." He said. "Supremo had something to say." He added further.
He even winked at me before disappearing into thin air.
WHAT THE HELLA.