Chapter 18 - Chapter 17: We can make new memories... if that's possible.

All that noise and imagination makes me want to close my eyes… It just makes me sick too. Whatever I've felt right there… for some reason, it felt like I haven't felt it in a very long time. I put the drawing down and flipped to the blank side. I don't want to cry… yet. Why cry when I could have that small smile back? I tried… tried… and tried to smile but I just stopped. I don't feel like trying… it'll look fake anyway. After that feeling… the noise.. And imagination, I didn't go back to drawing… it felt wrong, I thought I loved drawing but now… I want Ms.C to come back. Her c-c-comforting tone was… something special to me. What's comforting? I don't understand… I keep thinking of these random words and I don't even know what they all mean to me at all. I kept watching everyone show off the drawings and their power to remember. Just by looking at it, I could feel… feel… I was just feeling something, I just forgot the word. I decided to draw on the back of my drawing… maybe it could keep that thing down. My hand scribbling the paper made my breathing and heart slow down… even the pain is going away…. Is it really that easy? I drew… a black sky with houses on hills that look the same. It's my home, just at night, it's creepy… no wonder why I don't hear anything outside at night. Black… blue… green… that's all I need. "Well done, class! The memories you've shared are very important to you and family," Ms.C announced before continuing, "So, you should always keep it in you." But… what about those… I don't feel like keeping them, they hurt me… and I don't like it. It just hurts… a little too much. No, It's not just a "I don't like it." It's just that… I… I hate it. Now, most of the class were just talking, drawing, and playing but… I just sat there… lost… a bit hurt from what I thought. It was still attached to me like glue… how can I get it off? If drawing didn't work… then what should I do? Besides, I can make new memories anyway. I'm certain it would replace those bad thoughts… absolutely certain… a billion times certain… certain… certain… certain. I could talk to Ms.C… maybe- no… certain, it'll help me be happy. I was going to raise my hand until I hesitated… will she say something? No, she wouldn't mind. I raised my hand and kept raising it until Ms.C would notice. "Juice? It's spelled J, U, I, C, and E. Don't worry, you'll get a hang of it!" Ms.C instructed a kid before standing up and noticing my hand, "Oh, Tim, do you need anything?" I put my hand down and answered quietly, "Can you come over? I want to talk to you." Ms.C walked to my table and kneeled next to me. "What's wrong?" Ms.C asked. I would really want to tell her and ask her everything… maybe not everything. "It's just that… I feel a bit alone," I told Ms.C but she then responded, "You know, you could always go to the tables, you don't have to be alone." I looked at her blue eye and replied, "But, I'm a bit scared, what if they say something… something mean…" Ms.C shook her head and rubbed my shoulder. "That won't happen again… they won't leave you out this time," Ms.C replied with… something that made me calm, "You are kind… you are smart… you are important." When she said that, the bottom of her eye rose… a smile, so I did a small smile back. I really need that… it actually made me happy and… what was the word I was looking for? I felt like hugging her again but… I feel like one hug is enough for the day. "Okay… I'll sit down with them later," I agreed quietly. "That's the spirit!" Ms.C replied with cheer, "Just don't worry, be calm, you'll get along with them or… do you want to sit with them now?" I nodded yes. Maybe… I should get a shot at it. What if whatever Ms.C said was right. Actually, she's always right… always. I don't know what I'll do without her. I grabbed Ms.C's hand and she led me to a table with kids. They were all drawing and talking like the other kids were doing. The colors… the colors… red… blue… pink… purple… green… yellow… the rainbow… sorta. "Hey," Ms.C said to the kids at the table, "I'm going to have Tim to sit with you since he was alone. Just be nice to him, okay?" "Okay," the kids said in unison…. Unison… unison. Words… that i've never touched… just keeps on popping up. If only I could… do something about it. I sat down at an empty chair, and saw Ms.C walk away. Okay… just talk a few times… and everything will be okay. "Tim, right?" A boy next to me asked. I nodded at his answer and replied, "Yeah, that's my name… Tim… It's nice to meet you." It's not the same… I don't think I was ever talking about alone as in by myself… but… but… s-something else. I think… I'm just thinking things. I'm right where I'm supposed to be… I need… to relax. "Nice to meet you too," The boy replied before going back to drawing. The boy was drawing a football field. I guess he liked football… baseball is better though- "Tim…" A voice called in my head… that voice… I don't know who it was. It wasn't Ms.C or my friends… it does sound familiar. Almost… like my dad… No, it doesn't sound like my dad at all though. What is it then…? "Hey, come on, pick up a paper, I'm sure you might be a great drawer like me," The boy encouraged. At that moment… the voice was gone… for good. I'm glad it's gone actually, because I'll cry if it ever does happen again… I swear it. I grabbed a paper and started drawing even though I don't feel like it. "Say… what's your favorite memory?" I asked the boy. "My favorite memory? I'd say catching my first football. I do want to be a football player when I grow up!" The boy answered. "Well," I replied, "I'd want to be… actually, I'm still thinking. Maybe, an architect." Then the boy asked, "What's an architect?" "You know," I answered, "Building blocks… things like that." The boy nodded at answer… maybe he understood. The boy went back to drawing. The truth is… I don't know who I want to be… there is many options and… and… all of them just don't fit right in for me. At that moment, I just stopped drawing. I'm kind of done with it. After all, I drew my family… my wonderful family… who were always there when I needed them even during those imaginations… or what is memories? It's confusing, detailed… everything about them is just… off. I'm overthinking… I think. Maybe, I should focus on something else. Maybe, I could stay here for recess. Maybe, I should do anything to get away from that. That is what I want to do. "Hey… you alright?" The boy asked me but then I answered, "I'm fine… I don't feel like drawing anymore." I'm not going to do that for a while now… maybe I can draw again tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is always a new day… a new day… a new day… It won't be the same. After a while, Ms.C clapped her hands two times… or was it three? "Okay, Class! Now, it's time for recess. You can play outside now!" Ms.C announced. So, all the kids went out of the classroom to obviously go play, but then there was me, I was still sitting down at my chair, doing nothing. "Hey, are you okay dear?" Ms.C asked me as she walks where I sat. "I'm okay," I answered, "I'm sorry if this bothers you but could I stay here for recess?" Ms.C nodded and replied in the tone that made me feel… safe, "Yes, of course, it doesn't bother me at all… as long as you're happy." I'm glad… really glad. Being here… with Ms.C was way better anyway. Now, don't have to worry about those thoughts. Now, I don't have to worry about the kids being mean to me. Now… like Ms.C said… I am happy where I am right now.