Chapter 14 - Chapter 11: A Dismayed Bliss

Once I stepped foot into Ms.C's classroom. The atmosphere changed; now it was relaxing and comforting. I shouldn't have gone outside for recess. I should've stayed inside this little classroom. I walked to my table and sat down. I wasn't sitting with anybody at this table. So, it was just me, by myself at the table. I can admit, I'm quite lonely. But that's always a starter. It's the second day of school after all, I'm just starting. "Welcome back, class!" Ms.C greeted all the kids who sat down at their tables. I just tapped my finger on the table as she spoke, "Now, that it's almost the end of the day. We should end it with a little storytime. Now, kids, come sit on the alphabet rug." And it was so, the kids stood up, walked, and sat on the rug, but I sat on the rug last. The rug felt soft, as if it were made from fresh silk, but also fuzzy as if it were rubbed by a balloon. That's how I remembered… maybe? Ms.C pulled out a book from the bookshelf and sat down in front of us, facing towards the group. I looked a bit closely, and the name of the book was "The Giving Tree." Wait… that was my favorite book. I forgot almost everything about it. The only thing I could remember was the story about a tree that gives… is that it? "We're going to be reading… The Giving Tree! At the end of this story, we'll discuss what this book could mean. Is everyone fine with that?" All the kids nodded in agreement, even me. Either because I want to fit in or just get that remembrance back, to see if it was new. When she opened the book, she started reading aloud. Each word had a tone of silk and the simplicity sewn into it. I could listen to it all day if I wanted to. That part of the book told the story. Wait, I remember now… It was about a boy and an apple tree. During the kid's childhood, he swung on the branches of the tree and slept under it. Many years later, the kid returns as an adult, asking for things he doesn't need. The tree, being caring, gives the man its apples that he can sell for money. Many years later, the adult was now an old man. He cuts down the trunk of the tree and uses it to make a boat to sail away. The adult, now being a weak old man, came back to the tree one last time. The tree offered its stump for the old man to sit down. And so, he did and rested on the tree. What a great story… "Now, that we're finished. What do you guys think about what this story means?" Many of the kids raised their hands. Each one of them answered differently. "Kindness!" As if she didn't say, "You're not fun to be with." Another answered, "Empathy," and another, "Giving?" Ms.C nodded at all of the answers and replied, "They're close but good answers! What about you, Tim? What do you think?" Her eye gazed into mine. I looked down at my small hands before I looked up and answered, "Well. It's three answers actually…" "Oh, that's good, Tim. Say those answers for us," Ms.C said. I sighed, hesitating before I answered back, "Generosity, Selfishness, and… forgiveness." Ms.C nodded slowly at my answer. "That's a great answer, Tim. But why selfishness and forgiveness?" Ms.C asked as she put the book on her lap. "Selfishness because the boy used the tree for his own gain… a-a-and forgiveness because the tree forgave him even if its trunk was cut down…" "Great explanation," Ms.C replied with a nod, "Now, I hoped everyone loved the story, I sure did too! You're free to either read a bit more, draw, or play." All the kids stood up from the rug and went back to their tables… except me. I pulled the bracelet out of my pocket. Wooden beads and letter beads even spelled out, "Tim." This bracelet felt fuzzy against my hand as if it were something forbidden. "Are you okay, dear?" Ms.C asked before she walked and knelt in front of me. I looked up at her eye and answered, "Yeah, I'm okay, Ms.C." I put the bracelet back in my pocket. Ms.C gently took my hand, her shadowy hand warms up mine, and then she says with her voice showing concern and warmth, "You did very well with that answer, Tim. But that's off topic. I'm here to talk to you because you've been more… quiet, not playing with your friends here. How come?" It all came back to me… those rejections… I'm weird, I'm not fun to play with, they don't know me, they don't want me near them, and… and… my vision became blurry, and there was pressure in my throat. I don't want to cry in a world where I can be happy. Even though I held myself back, Ms.C still noticed the change in me. "Tim..? What's wrong… was it something I said, dear?" I shook my head and rubbed my eyes with my small, soft, and gentle hands. The real part of me. "No… I'm not okay, actually… It's because I-i-i didn't have anyone to play with… they all said N-n-no…" I stuttered. It was more than just 'they said no to me and now I'm sad.' I was about to break down. "Ssh… Ssh.. It's okay… Look at me, dear," Ms.C comforted. She brushes the tear below my eye. Her touch, yet again, was gentle and warm. I look at her eye as she looks at mine. "Breathe in, breathe out," She advised. So, I did. My chest rose and lower over and over again, until I felt calm again. That always worked for me, was it always? "There you go… Do you feel much better now?" Ms.C asked. I nodded and answered in a quiet voice, "Yes, I feel much better now…" Ms.C took her hands off my cheek and stood up. She says, "Okay, go sit at your table. I'll get you paper if you'd like to draw." I stood up and walked to my table. I pulled the chair out, sat, and pushed in my chair. Why are they so mean…? I pulled out the bracelet from my pocket. When did I make this and why? I was going to put it on before I hesitated; it's probably going to hurt, as it felt fuzzy on my hand earlier. I slowly put on the bracelet, I turned my arm, and looked at its letter beads. It still spelled out, "Tim." It all came back to me… The reason why I'm here, who my family was, and… What I am. But, it only came back to me for just a few seconds and then slowly faded away, almost like it just became echoes of static. There it goes… I stared at the bracelet. Is that who I truly am? No… No.. No.. No! I am who I am right now, not what I thought of. That's just plain imagination… That's not me. I was going to take it off and throw it in the trash forever, like the junk that is. But… My gut is telling me that I should keep it on. So, I left it alone on my arm. Its surface feels fuzzy against my wrist, even though the surface of the wooden and letter beads of the bracelet was actually smooth. I took my stare away from the bracelet. Maybe I should focus on something else. Ms.C came to my table, then laid two blank papers and a pencil in front of me. "Here, Tim," Ms.C reminded me softly, "You can draw until it's time to go if you'd like…" I nodded in a quiet response. I grabbed the pencil and started drawing. Ms.C, Instead of leaving, she just sat in a chair right next to me. I drew and drew just like I did before recess, only this time, with Ms.C by my side. Time flew by like a bird. I had finished my second drawing, and Ms.C left my table to interact with the other kids as usual. I looked at my bracelet. Every time I look at my bracelet, I just want to take it off, but I still kept it on. If my gut tells me to leave it on, then it must mean something. I sighed, but then I remembered, or maybe imagined, this one tune… the tune was like piano music, and one of the lyrics. "Lullaby of the leaves…" Then all of that just went away. All that was left was the quiet crackles in my head. How did that tune go again? You know what, never mind, it's just a silly tune, it's not like it's important. I looked at my arm with the bracelet again, and just when I was about to do a catatonic stare, Ms.C tapped on my shoulder. I looked up at her eye. "Tim," Ms.C said, "Maybe you should play with your friends." That question made me a bit… hurt. After what happened at recess, no, but at the same time, I want to fit in, and Ms.C just makes that much more tempting. Either I say yes… or no. I thought to myself a bit before I shook my head. "No thanks," I answered, "I'm fine by myself." Ms.C nodded before she replied, "That's fine, Tim. I… just want the best for you, dear." She walks away. On the outside, I was fine, but on the inside, I just wanted to say 'yes, Ms.C.' But I don't want to risk that happening again. If only I said yes… Soon, it was time to go. As soon as Ms.C announced that it was time to go, the kids packed up and left the classroom. But me, I just sat there, still thinking about everything. Recess, my imagination (or memories), and everything. How did I get here again? "Tim?" Ms.C questioned, "Are you okay? It's time to go." I snapped out of my thoughts, stood up from my chair, and pushed it in. "Yeah, I'm fine," I answered as I grabbed my backpack with the blue sky and clouds before I was heading out of the classroom. "Goodbye, Ms.C," I said while I waved goodbye. Ms.C waved goodbye back to me, then she giggled, "I'll see you again soon! Haha!" The door shut, and now I was in the hallway packed with kids, all trying to get home, just like me. Hopefully, they don't say anything mean. I walked in the hallway, managing to get through the crowds. I just… want to get out of this place. As I was walking, I got in the way of one of the kids in the crowd, so they bumped into me, and I fell to the ground. "Stop blocking my way," The kid said with a churlish tone. The kid just walked away as if nothing had happened. I stood up and looked at my hand, and there was a cut on my palm. Possibly from the floor. It stung, as if I had put my hand onto a hot frying pan. I shook off the pain and continued to make my way. I was now heading towards the double doors, which looked the same as yesterday… I think. I pushed the door open and went outside. The buses were there, and every single kid was getting onto every single one of those buses. They all wanted to go home, just like I did. I went on the bus, and sat in the same seat I thought I did yesterday. I turned my head to the window. I just wanted to focus on something other than… them. "Hey, Tim," The voice that came from beside me asked. I turned my head and saw Nyx sitting at the seat across from me. "Oh… Hey, Nyx," I replied with a hushed tone. "How was your day? Well, I mean, second day here," Nyx asked. I sighed in response. I didn't want to tell her everything about today… I had enough of it. Tomorrow will be a new day, and that new day could be the happiest day I've had. Did I always live here? Maybe… "It was fine," I answered, "Though I got a cut on my hand, but nothing to worry about." I looked at the palm of my hand. The wound was a straight, thin line, but it wasn't too shallow. The wound bled a bit, and the only way to rub that blood away was to put my hand on my pants. Since those pants were grey, they made the blood a bit visible. I'm fine… I'm sure I am. Nyx looked at my wound, then at me. "You should tell your mom or dad about it," Nyx said. "No, I'm gonna ask a genie," I replied with sarcasm, but she only sighed and turned her head to the window. I guess my attempt at lightening the mood failed. The bus starts driving, a sign of us getting home, a sign of me getting back into that suburbia. Maybe, when I get home, everything will get better. After a few moments, I took my sight off my wound and took my sight to the outside. There it was again, the beautiful light green hills, blue sky with clouds, and those same wind turbines. Just like I remembered, maybe. Nyx and I were silent, never said a word to each other ever since the sarcastic joke. Did she take it too seriously? I didn't mean it, I wanted this to just be a I-got-a-boo-boo thing, not… something I can't describe. I tried to hum the song I thought of back in school, so I sang to myself quietly, "Lull… no, no. Lullaby of the… the…" I shook my head and sighed. How did that song go again? "Tim?" Nyx asked, but I just shook my head slightly and replied, "Leave me alone… I-I'm not in the mood…" I shifted myself slightly in the seat to lay my head on the window before I replied again, "Please…" Nyx went quiet. She probably went back to watching the window. We passed the wind turbines, and I spotted the same green sign from yesterday with its word still saying, "Eternal Suburbia." My home… I'll be safe there for the rest of the day. I'll be asleep in my own bed and in the comfort of my parents. The bus stopped, we were at the entrance of the suburb, so I grabbed my bookbag and went off. I didn't even say goodbye to Nyx, but… I should've said it. I stepped out of the bus and onto the white sidewalk, then the bus drove off. I can't wait to go home already. I want to forget about all of this and eat whatever's for dinner, even if it's maggots. Okay, okay, that was a funny joke, I should've said that joke on the bus. All I want to do is get back there in my cozy little house.