HEAVEN FEELS
"Fatimah"
"Fatimah"
Faintly, I could feel a hand shaking me, gripping my shoulders tightly. I tried opening my eyes to see who but they wouldn't respond.
I could hear the voice clearly -panicked, desperate.
"Somebody hee-elp"
I couldn't see the source of the voice. Everything keeps getting blurred, slipping through my grasp.
Slowly, the voice began to fade too.
Listening to it become so vague until there was nothing.
Just peace.
It wasn't just a silence.
It felt like everything that made me to that point was slowly dissolving into that quietness.
The fear, the pain, the noise in my head… all of it slipping away piece by piece.
For a moment, I wondered if this was what dying truly felt like.
Not pain. Not darkness.
Just… release.
....
"Have you checked her vitals"
"Yes sir"
"She is still unconscious right now. When she was brought in, she had already lost consciousness and was foaming from the mouth....From the diagnosis, the foaming was due to overdose of different pills. So gastric lavage was performed immediately...", the voice paused for a moment then continued, "here is her chart -and the list of the pills taken"
" Alright. what about her guardian?" the first voice asked, his voice smooth -almost melodious.
"They would be here anytime soon " the second voice replied.
" Alert me once she is awake".
Withdrawing footsteps followed.
When I regained my consciousness, those were the words that flowed into my ears.
Their voices felt distant, like echoes bouncing off a hollow space.
I couldn't move. Couldn't respond.
But somewhere deep inside, I knew they were talking about me.
Overdose…
The word lingered.
Heavy. Familiar.
Like a truth I didn't want to fully remember.
"Wait.... where am I??".
The incandescent white light reflected off the pure white walls, making everything seem extremely bright.
Could it be...am I already in heaven?
but wait....is this Paradise?
If this wasn't heaven… then what else could it be?
I remembered swallowing the pills.
My hands trembling… taking them all without hesitation.
So this had to be the end.
This had to be where everything finally led.
Heaven…
A place where nothing hurts anymore.
A place where I wouldn't have to think… or remember… or feel that crushing weight in my chest.
Yes.
This had to be it.
If so, what were those discussions I heard earlier?
I tried opening my eyes, but they felt heavy.
Slowly I tried again, one at a time.
I took in my surroundings.
This has to be heaven.... look at the purely painted white walls.
The incandescent shining light -that I don't seem to know the source.
Even the smell of the morning rose as if the Garden of Eden was close-by.
I couldn't stop flickering my eyes around this room where I am, but I kept focusing on what I choose to believe.
The purely painted white walls.
The shining bright lights.
The scents of flowers.
The feels of heaven.
Everything looked too perfect. Too clean.
Not a single stain. Not a single flaw.
It didn't feel real… but I didn't question it.
Maybe heaven was supposed to feel like this— unnatural… yet comforting.
A place where nothing could go wrong anymore.
It took me a while to notice the IV drip running into my body.
My gaze lingered on it longer than it should have.
Why would heaven need something like this?
No… that didn't make sense.
Unless…
Unless even in heaven, I was still being "treated" for something.
Startled, I sat up on the bed and tried to access my surroundings.
"Is this a hospital on Earth..... or a hospital in heaven??", I asked out loud, waiting to receive an answer even though I knew no one was around.
"It has to be a hospital in heaven.... I am very sure. I took an overdose, so I should be in heaven now...right?.
Yes..... I'm sure.
Even the doctor was referring to my guardian angel earlier.
I lay back down, reassuring myself.
I am no longer on earth.
Finally free from all those painstaking troubles.
I closed my eyes, soothing my mind while reassuring myself again and again.
Just then, a door I hadn't noticed at the far right corner creaked open.
A young lady walked in, confident and smart. She was dressed in a bright white uniform.
An open logbook rested on her left arm, while her right hand held a golden customised pen firmly, ready to input statistics.
Her eyes landed on me. For a moment, I thought I saw a line of shock -then relief on her face, but it was quickly replaced with a perfect smile, making me wonder whether what I saw earlier was an illusion.
She walked closer.
"Bighead, you are awake", she said, smiling with familiarity.
I stared at her.
When she walked in, I had thought -she has to be the paradise nurse assigned to me.... with that bright, angelic smile, reflecting under the shining white light....
and the fresh scent of flowers emanating from her pure unstained bright uniform.
But are paradise workers allowed to talk like that?..... like a rude nurse from earth.
This is heaven. Everything has to be official -proper.
Even though I understood I committed suicide, but.... -bighead?
I can't even imagine it.
It was then I noticed the rows of hospital beds and drip stands behind her.
Slowly, I shifted my gaze back to her and kept staring at her, searching for unknown answers.
"What's wrong, Fatimah", she asked, her voice pulling me back to consciousness.
She must have felt alarmed by the way I kept staring in still silence.
"Are you okay?, Let me go alert the doctor that you are awake" she said.
I shook my head and raised my hand to touch her arm.
I couldn't let her leave.
Not now.
Something didn't add up.
The way she spoke.
The way she looked at me.
The way everything felt just a little too… familiar.
This wasn't how heaven was supposed to be.
Or maybe…
I wasn't in heaven at all.
There she stood -shocked and surprised at my first question.
"Why are you rude?"