McDermott and I are supposed to have dinner tonight at 1500and he calls me around six-thirty, forty minutes before our actualreservation (he couldn't get us in at any other time, except forsix-ten or nine, which is when the restaurant closes—it servesCalifornian cuisine and its seating times are an aʃectation carriedover from that state), and though I'm in the middle of ɻossing myteeth, all of my cordless phones lie by the sink in the bathroomand I'm able to pick the right one up on the second ring. So farI'm wearing black Armani trousers, a white Armani shirt, a redand black Armani tie. McDermott lets me know that Hamlinwants to come with us. I'm hungry. There's a pause."So?" I ask, straightening my tie. "Okay.""So?" McDermott sighs. "Hamlin doesn't want to go to 1500.""Why not?" I turn oʃ the tap in the sink."He was there last night.""So ... what are you, McDermott, trying to tell me?""That we're going someplace else," he says."Where?" I ask cautiously."Alex Goes to Camp is where Hamlin suggested," he says."Hold on. I'm Plaxing." After swishing the antiplaque formulaaround in my mouth and inspecting my hairline in the mirror, Ispit out the Plax. "Veto. Bypass. I went there last week.""I know. So did I," McDermott says. "Besides, it's cheap. Sowhere do we go instead?""Didn't Hamlin have a fucking backup?" I growl, irritated."Er, no.""Call him back and get one," I say, walking out of thebathroom. "I seem to have misplaced my Zagat.""Do you want to hold or should I call you back?" he asks."Call me back, bozo." We hang up.Minutes pass. The phone rings. I don't bother screening it. It'sMcDermott again."Well?" I ask."Hamlin doesn't have a backup and he wants to invite LuisCarruthers and what I want to know is, does this mean Courtney'scoming?" McDermott asks."Luis cannot come," I say."Why not?""He just can't." I ask, "Why does he want Luis to come?"There's a pause. "Hold on," McDermott says. "He's on the otherline. I'll ask him.""Who?" A ɻash of panic. "Luis?""Hamlin."While holding I move into the kitchen, over to the refrigerator,and take out a bottle of Perrier. I'm looking for a glass when Ihear a click."Listen," I say when McDermott gets back on the line. "I don'twant to see Luis or Courtney so, you know, dissuade them orsomething. Use your charm. Be charming.""Hamlin has to have dinner with a client from Texas and—"I cut him oʃ. "Wait, this has nothing to do with Luis. LetHamlin take the fag out himself.""Hamlin wants Carruthers to come because Hamlin is supposedto be dealing with the Panasonic case, but Carruthers knows a lotmore about it and that's why he wants Carruthers to come,"McDermott explains.I pause while taking this in. "If Luis comes I'll kill him. I swearto god I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him.""Jeez, Bateman," McDermott murmurs, concerned. "You're areal humanitarian. A sage.""No. Just ..." I start, confused, irritated. "Just ... sensible.""I just want to know if Luis comes does this mean thatCourtney will come too?" he wonders again."Tell Hamlin to invite—oh shit, I don't know." I stop. "TellHamlin to have dinner with the Texas guy alone." I stop again,realizing something. "Wait a minute. Does this mean Hamlin will... take us out? I mean pay for it, since it's a business dinner?""You know, sometimes I think you're very smart, Bateman,"McDermott says. "Other times ...""Oh shit, what the hell am I saying?" I ask myself out loud,annoyed. "You and I can have a goddamn business dinnertogether. Jesus. I'm not going. That's it. I'm not going.""Not even if Luis doesn't come?" he asks."No. Nope.""Why not?" he whines. "We have reservations at 1500.""I ... have to ... watch The Cosby Show.""Oh tape it for Christ sakes, you ass.""Wait." I've realized something else. "Do you think Hamlinwill"—I pause awkwardly—"have some drugs, perhaps ... for theTexan?""What does Bateman think?" McDermott asks, the jadedasshole."Hmmm. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about this."After a pause McDermott says "Tick-tock, tick-tock" insingsong. "We're getting nowhere. Of course Hamlin is going to becarrying.""Get Hamlin, have him ... get him on three-way," I sputter,checking my Rolex. "Hurry. Maybe we can talk him into 1500.""Okay," McDermott says. "Hold on."There are four clicking noises and then I hear Hamlin saying,"Bateman, is it okay to wear argyle socks with a business suit?"He's attempting a joke but it fails to amuse me.Sighing inwardly, my eyes closed, I answer, impatient, "Notreally, Hamlin. They're too sporty. They interfere with a businessimage. You can wear them with casual suits. Tweeds, whatever.Now Hamlin?""Bateman?" And then he says, "Thank you.""Luis cannot come," I tell him. "And you're welcome.""No prob," he says. "The Texan's not coming anyway.""Why not?" I ask."Hay letsyall go to See Bee Jee Bees I har that's pretty newwave. Lifestyle diʃerence," Hamlin explains. "The Texan is notaccepted until Monday. I quickly, and quite nimbly I might add,rearranged my hectic schedule. A sick father. A forest ɹre. Anexcuse.""How does that take care of Luis?" I ask suspiciously."Luis is having dinner with the Texan tonight, which saves mea whole lotta trouble, pardner. I'm seeing him at Smith andWollensky on Monday," Hamlin says, pleased with himself. "Soeverything is A-okay.""Wait," McDermott asks tentatively, "does this mean thatCourtney isn't coming?""We have missed or are going to miss our reservations at1500," I point out. "Besides, Hamlin, you went there last night,huh?""Yeah," he says. "It's got passable carpaccio. Decent wren.Okay sorbets. But let's go somewhere else and, uh, then go on thesearch for the, uh, perfect body. Gentlemen?""Sounds good," I say, amused that Hamlin, for once, has theright idea. "But what is Cindy going to say about this?""Cindy has to go to a charity thing at the Plaza, something—""That's the Trump Plaza," I note absently, while ɹnally openingthe Perrier bottle."Yeah, the Trump Plaza," he says. "Something about trees nearthe library. Money for trees or a bush of some kind," he says,unsure. "Plants? Beats me.""So where to?" McDermott asks."Who cancels 1500?" I ask."You do," McDermott says."Oh McDermott," I moan, "just do it.""Wait," Hamlin says. "Let's decide where we're going ɹrst.""Agreed." McDermott, the parliamentarian."I am fanatically opposed to anywhere not on the Upper Westor Upper East side of this city," I say."Bellini's?" Hamlin suggests."Nope. Can't smoke cigars there," McDermott and I say at thesame time."Cross that one out," Hamlin says. "Gandango?" he suggests."Possibility, possibility," I murmur, mulling it over. "Trumpeats there.""Zeus Bar?" one of them asks."Make a reservation," says the other."Wait," I tell them, "I'm thinking.""Bateman ...," Hamlin warns."I'm toying with the idea," I say."Bateman ...""Wait. Let me toy for a minute.""I'm really too irritated to be dealing with this right now,"McDermott says."Why don't we just forget this shit and bash some Japs,"Hamlin suggests. "Then ɹnd the perfect body.""Not a bad idea, actually." I shrug. "Decent combo.""What do you want to do, Bateman?" McDermott asks.Thinking about it, thousands of miles away, I answer, "I wantto ...""Yes ...?" they both ask expectantly."I want to ... pulverize a woman's face with a large, heavybrick.""Besides that," Hamlin moans impatiently."Okay, ɹne," I say, snapping out of it. "Zeus Bar.""You sure? Right? Zeus Bar?" Hamlin concludes, he hopes."Guys. I am ɹnding myself increasingly incapable of dealingwith this at all," McDermott says. "Zeus Bar. That's ɹnal.""Hold on," Hamlin says. "I'll call and make a reservation." Heclicks oʃ, leaving McDermott and myself on hold. It's silent for along time before either one of us says anything."You know," I ɹnally say. "It will probably be impossible to geta reservation there.""Maybe we should go to M.K. The Texan would probably liketo go to M.K.," Craig says."But, McDermott, the Texan isn't coming," I point out."I can't go to M.K. anyway," he says, not listening, and hedoesn't mention why."I don't want to know about it."We wait two more minutes for Hamlin."What in the hell is he doing?" I ask, then my call waitingclicks in.McDermott hears it too. "Do you want to take that?""I'm thinking." It clicks again. I moan and tell McDermott tohold on. It's Jeanette. She sounds tired and sad. I don't want toget back on the other line so I ask her what she did last night."After you were supposed to meet me?" she asks.I pause, unsure. "Uh, yeah.""We ended up at Palladium which was completely empty. Theywere letting in people for free." She signs. "We saw maybe four orɹve people.""That you knew?" I ask hopefully."In ... the ... club," she says, spacing each word out bitterly."I'm sorry," I ɹnally say. "I had to ... return some videotapes...." And then, reacting to her silence, "You know, I would've metyou—""I don't want to hear about it," she sighs, cutting me oʃ. "Whatare you doing tonight?"I pause, wondering how to answer, before admitting, "Zeus Barat nine. McDermott. Hamlin." And then, less hopefully, "Wouldyou like to meet us?""I don't know," she sighs. Without a trace of softness she asks,"Do you want me to?""Must you insist on being so pathetic?" I ask back.She hangs up on me. I get back on the other line."Bateman, Bateman, Bateman, Bateman," Hamlin is droning."I'm here. Shut the fuck up.""Are we still procrastinating?" McDermott asks. "Don'tprocrastinate.""I've decided I'd rather play golf," I say. "I haven't been golɹngin a long time.""Fuck golf, Bateman," Hamlin says. "We have a nine o'clockreservation at Kaktus—""And a reservation to cancel at 1500 in, um, let's see ... twentyminutes ago, Bateman," McDermott says."Oh shit, Craig. Cancel them now," I say tiredly."God, I hate golf," Hamlin says, shuddering."You cancel them," McDermott says, laughing."What name are they under?" I ask, not laughing, my voicerising.After a pause, McDermott says "Carruthers" softly.Hamlin and I burst out laughing."Really?" I ask."We couldn't get into Zeus Bar," Hamlin says. "So it's Kaktus.""Hip," I say dejectedly. "I guess.""Cheer up." Hamlin chortles.My call waiting buzzes again and before I can even decidewhether to take it or not, Hamlin makes up my mind for me."Now if you guys don't want to go to Kaktus—""Wait, my call waiting," I say. "Hold on."Jeanette is in tears. "What aren't you capable of?" she asks,sobbing. "Just tell me what you are not capable of.""Baby. Jeanette," I say soothingly. "Listen, please. We'll be atZeus Bar at ten. Okay?""Patrick, please," she begs. "I'm okay. I just want to talk—""I'll see you at nine or ten, whenever," I say. "I've gotta go.Hamlin and McDermott are on the other line.""Okay." She sniʃs, composing herself, clearing her throat. "I'llsee you there. I'm really sor—"I click back onto the other line. McDermott is the only one left."Where's Hamlin?""He got oʃ," McDermott says. "Hell see us at nine.""Great," I murmur. "I feel settled.""Who was that?""Jeanette," I say.I hear a faint click, then another one."Was that yours or mine?" McDermott asks."Yours," I say. "I think.""Hold on."I wait, impatiently pacing the length of the kitchen. McDermottclicks back on."It's Van Patten," he says. "I'm putting him on three-way."Four more clicks."Hey Bateman," Van Patten cries out. "Buddy.""Mr. Manhattan," I say. "I'm acknowledging you.""Hey, what's the correct way to wear a cummerbund?" he asks."I already answered that twice today," I warn.The two of them start talking about whether or not Van Pattencan get to Kaktus by nine and I've stopped concentrating on thevoices coming through the cordless phone and started watchinginstead, with growing interest, the rat I've bought—I still havethe mutant one that emerged from the toilet—in its new glasscage, heave what's left of its acid-ridden body halfway across theelaborate Habitrail system that sits on the kitchen table, where itattempts to drink from the water holder that I ɹlled withpoisoned Evian this morning. The scene seems too pitiful to me ornot pitiful enough. I can't decide. A call-waiting noise takes meout of my mindless delirium and I tell Van Patten and McDermottto please hold.I click oʃ, then pause before saying, "You have reached thehome of Patrick Bateman. Please leave a message after—""Oh for god's sake, Patrick, grow up," Evelyn moans. "Just stopit. Why do you insist on doing that? Do you really think you'regoing to get away with it?""With what?" I ask innocently. "Protecting myself?""With torturing me," she pouts."Honey," I say."Yes?" she sniʃs."You don't know what torture is. You don't know what you'retalking about," I tell her. "You really don't know what you'retalking about.""I don't want to talk about it," she says. "It's over. Now, whatare you doing for dinner tonight?" Her voice softens. "I wasthinking maybe dinner at TDK at, oh, say ninish?""I'm eating at the Harvard Club by myself tonight," I say."Oh don't be silly," Evelyn says. "I know you're having dinnerat Kaktus with Hamlin and McDermott.""How do you know that?" I ask, not caring if I've been caughtin a lie. "Anyway, it's Zeus Bar, not Kaktus.""Because I just talked to Cindy," she says."I thought Cindy was going to this plant or tree—this bushbeneɹt," I say."Oh no, no, no," Evelyn says. "That's next week. Do you wantto go?""Hold on," I say.I get back on the line with Craig and Van Patten."Bateman?" Van Patten asks. "What the fuck are you doing?""How the hell does Cindy know we're having dinner atKaktus?" I demand."Hamlin told her?" McDermott guesses. "I don't know. Why?""Because now Evelyn knows," I say."When the fuck is Wolfgang Puck going to open a restaurant inthis goddamn city?" Van Patten asks us."Is Van Patten on his third six-pack of Foster's or is he still,like, working on his ɹrst?" I ask McDermott."The question you're asking, Patrick," McDermott begins, "is,should we exclude the women or not? Right?""Something is turning into nothing very quickly," I warn."That's all I'm saying.""Should you invite Evelyn?" McDermott asks. "Is this what youwant to know?""No, we should not," I stress."Well, hey, I wanted to bring Elizabeth," Van Patten saystimidly (mock-timidly?)."No," I say. "No women.""What's wrong with Elizabeth?" Van Patten asks."Yeah?" McDermott follows."She's an idiot. No, she's intelligent. I can't tell. Don't inviteher," I say.After a pause I hear Van Patten say, "I sense weirdnessstarting.""Well, if not Elizabeth, what about Sylvia Josephs?" McDermottsuggests."Nah, too old to fuck," Van Patten says."Oh Christ," McDermott says. "She's twenty-three.""Twenty-eight," I correct."Really?" a concerned McDermott asks, after pausing."Yes," I say. "Really."McDermott's left saying "Oh.""Shit, I just forgot," I say, slapping my hand to my forehead. "Iinvited Jeanette.""Now that is one babe I would not mind, ahem, inviting," VanPatten says lewdly."Why does a nice young babe like Jeanette put up with you?"McDermott asks. "Why does she put up with you, Bateman?""I keep her in cashmere. A great deal of cashmere," I murmur,and then, "I've got to call her and tell her not to come.""Aren't you forgetting something?" McDermott asks me."What?" I'm lost in thought."Is, like, Evelyn still on the other line?""Oh shit," I exclaim. "Hold on.""Why am I even bothering with this?" I hear McDermott askhimself, sighing."Bring Evelyn," Van Patten cries out. "She's a babe too! Tell herto meet us at Zeus Bar at nine-thirty!""Okay, okay," I shout before clicking back to the other line."I do not appreciate this, Patrick," Evelyn is saying."How about meeting us at Zeus Bar at nine-thirty?" I suggest."Can I bring Stash and Vanden?" she asks coyly."Is she the one with a tattoo?" I ask back, coyly."No," she sighs. "No tattoo.""Bypass, bypass.""Oh Patrick," she whines."Look, you were lucky you were even invited, so just ..." Myvoice trails oʃ.Silence, during which I don't feel bad."Come on, just meet us there," I say. "I'm sorry.""Oh all right," she says, resigned. "Nine-thirty?"I click back onto the other line, interrupting Van Patten andMcDermott's conversation about whether it's proper or not towear a blue suit as one would a navy blazer."Hello?" I interrupt. "Shut up. Does everyone have myundivided attention?""Yes, yes, yes," Van Patten sighs, bored."I am calling Cindy up to get Evelyn out of coming to dinnerwith us," I announce."Why in the hell did you invite Evelyn in the ɹrst place?" oneof them asks."We were joking, you idiot," the other adds."Er, good question," I say, stammering. "Uh, h-hold on."I dial Cindy's number after ɹnding it in my Rolodex. Sheanswers after screening the call."Hello, Patrick," she says."Cindy," I say. "I need a favor.""Hamlin's not coming to dinner with you guys," she says. "Hetried calling back but your lines were all busy. Don't you guyshave call waiting?""Of course we have call waiting," I say. "What do you think weare, barbarians?""Hamlin's not coming," she says again, ɻatly."What's he doing instead?" I ask. "Oiling his Top-Siders?""He's going out with me, Mr. Bateman.""But what about your, uh, bush beneɹt?" I ask."Hamlin got it mixed up," she says."Pumpkin," I start."Yes?" she asks."Pumpkin, you're dating an asshole," I say sweetly."Thanks, Patrick. That's nice.""Pumpkin," I warn, "you're dating the biggest dickweed in NewYork.""You're telling me like I don't know this." She yawns."Pumpkin, you're dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed.""Do you know that Hamlin owns six television sets and sevenVCRs?""Does he ever use that rowing machine I got him?" I actuallywonder."Unused," she says. "Totally unused.""Pumpkin, he's a dickweed.""Will you stop calling me pumpkin," she asks, annoyed."Listen, Cindy, if you had a choice to read WWD or ..." I stop,unsure of what I was going to say. "Listen, is there anythinggoing on tonight?" I ask. "Something not too ... boisterous?""What do you want, Patrick?" she sighs."I just want peace, love, friendship, understanding," I saydispassionately."What-do-you-want?" she repeats."Why don't the two of you come with us?""We have other plans.""Hamlin made the goddamn reservations," I cry, outraged."Well, you guys use them.""Why don't you come?" I ask lasciviously. "Dump dickweed oʃat Juanita's or something.""I think I'm passing on dinner," she says. "Apologize to 'theguys' for me.""But we're going to Kaktus, uh, I mean Zeus Bar," I say, then,confused, add, "No, Kaktus.""Are you guys really going there?" she asks."Why?""Conventional wisdom has it that it is no longer the 'in' placeto dine," she says."But Hamlin made the fucking reservation!" I cry out."Did he make reservations there?" she asks, bemused."Centuries ago!" I shout."Listen," she says, "I'm getting dressed.""I'm not at all happy about this," I say."Don't worry," she says, and then hangs up.I get back on the other line."Bateman, I know this sounds like an impossibility,"McDermott says. "But the void is actually widening.""I am not into Mexican," Van Patten states."But wait, we're not having Mexican, are we?" I say. "Am Iconfused? Aren't we going to Zeus Bar?""No, moron," McDermott spits. "We couldn't get into Zeus Bar.Kaktus. Kaktus at nine.""But I don't want Mexican," Van Patten says."But you, Van Patten, made the reservation," McDermotthollers."I don't either," I say suddenly. "Why Mexican?""It's not Mexican Mexican," McDermott says, exasperated. "It'ssomething called nouvelle Mexicana, tapas or some other south ofthe border thing. Something like that. Hold on. My call waiting."He clicks oʃ, leaving Van Patten and myself on the line."Bateman," Van Patten sighs, "my euphoria is quicklysubsiding.""What are you talking about?" I'm actually trying to rememberwhere I told Jeanette and Evelyn to meet us."Let's change the reservation," he suggests.I think about it, then suspiciously ask, "Where to?""1969," he says, tempting me. "Hmmm? 1969?""I would like to go there," I admit."What should we do?" he asks.I think about it. "Make a reservation. Quick.""Okay. For three? Five? How many?""Five or six, I guess.""Okay. Hold."Just as he clicks oʃ, McDermott gets back on."Where's Van Patten?" he asks."He ... had to take a piss," I say."Why don't you want to go to Kaktus?""Because I'm gripped by an existential panic," I lie."You think that's a good enough reason," McDermott says. "I donot.""Hello?" Van Patten says, clicking back on. "Bateman?""Well?" I ask. "McDermott's here too.""Nope. No way, José.""Shit.""What's going on?" McDermott asks."Well, guys, do we want margaritas?" Van Patten asks. "Or nomargaritas?""I could go for a margarita," McDermott says."Bateman?" Van Patten asks."I would like several bottles of beer, preferably un-Mexican," Isay."Oh shit," McDermott says. "Call waiting. Hold on." He clicksoʃ.If I am not mistaken it is now eight-thirty.An hour later. We're still debating. We have canceled thereservation at Kaktus and maybe someone has remade it.Confused, I actually cancel a nonexistent table at Zeus Bar.Jeanette has left her apartment and cannot be reached at homeand I have no idea which restaurant she's going to, nor do Iremember which one I told Evelyn to meet us at. Van Patten, whohas already had two large shots of Absolut, asks about DetectiveKimball and what we talked about and all I really remember issomething like how people fall between cracks."Did you talk to him?" I ask."Yeah, yeah.""What did he say happened to Owen?""Vanished. Just vanished. Poof," he says. I can hear himopening a refrigerator. "No incident. Nothing. The authoritieshave nada.""Yeah," I say. "I'm in heavy turmoil over it.""Well, Owen was ... I don't know," he says. I can hear a beerbeing opened."What else did you tell him, Van Patten?" I ask."Oh the usual," he sighs. "That he wore yellow and maroonties. That he had lunch at '21.' That in reality he was not anarbitrageur—which was what Thimble thought he was—but amerger-maker. Only the usual." I can almost hear him shrug."What else?" I ask."Let's see. That he didn't wear suspenders. A belt man. That hestopped doing cocaine, simpatico beer. You know, Bateman.""He was a moron," I say. "And now he's in London.""Christ," he mutters, "general competence is on the fuckingdecline."McDermott clicks back on. "Okay. Now where to?""What time is it?" Van Patten asks."Nine-thirty," both of us answer."Wait, what happened to 1969?" I ask Van Patten."What's this about 1969?" McDermott doesn't have a clue."I don't remember," I say."Closed. No reservations," Van Patten reminds me."Can we get back to 1500?" I ask."1500 is now closed," McDermott shouts. "The kitchen is closed.The restaurant is closed. It's over. We have to go to Kaktus."Silence."Hello? Hello? Are you guys there?" he hollers, losing it."Bouncy as a beach ball," Van Patten says.I laugh."If you guys think this is funny," McDermott warns."Oh yeah, what? What are you going to do?" I ask."Guys, it's just that I am apprehensive about failure in terms ofsecuring a table before, like, well, midnight.""Are you sure about 1500?" I ask. "That seems really bizarre.""That suggestion is moot!" McDermott screams. "Why, you mayask? Because-they-are-closed! Because-they-are-closed-they-havestopped-taking-reservations! Are-you-following-this?""Hey, no sweat, babe," Van Patten says coolly. "We'll go toKaktus.""We have a reservation there in ten, no, ɹfteen minutes ago,"McDermott says."But I canceled them, I thought," I say, taking another Xanax."I remade them," McDermott says."You are indispensable," I tell him in monotone."I can be there by ten," McDermott says."By the time I stop at my automated teller, I can be there byten-ɹfteen," Van Patten says slowly, counting the minutes."Does anyone have any idea that Jeanette and Evelyn aremeeting us at Zeus Bar, where we do not have a reservation? Hasthis passed through anyone's mind?" I ask, doubting it."But Zeus Bar is closed and besides that we canceled areservation we didn't even have there," McDermott says, trying tostay calm."But I think I told Jeanette and Evelyn to meet us there," I say,bringing my ɹngers up to my mouth, horriɹed by this possibility.After a pause McDermott asks, "Do you want to get intotrouble? Are you asking for it or something?""My call waiting," I say. "Oh my god. What time is it? My callwaiting.""It's gotta be one of the girls," Van Patten says gleefully."Hold on," I croak."Good luck," I hear Van Patten say before I click oʃ."Hello?" I ask meekly. "You have reached the—""It's me," Evelyn shouts, the noise in the background almostdrowning her out."Oh hi," I say casually. "What's going on?""Patrick, what are you doing at home?""Where are you?" I ask good-naturedly."I-am-at-Kaktus," she hisses."What are you doing there?" I ask."You said you'd meet me here, that-is-what," she says. "Iconɹrmed your reservations.""Oh god, I'm sorry," I say. "I forgot to tell you.""Forgot-to-tell-me-what?""To tell you that we aren't"—I gulp—"going there." I close myeyes."Who-in-the-hell-is-Jeanette?" she hisses calmly."Well, aren't you guys having fun?" I ask, ignoring herquestion."No-we-are-not.""Why not?" I ask. "We'll be there ... soon.""Because this whole thing feels, gee, I don't know ...inappropriate?" she screams."Listen, I'll call you right back." I'm about to pretend to takethe number down."You won't be able to," Evelyn says, her voice tense andlowered."Why not? The phone strike's over," I joke, sort of."Because-Jeanette-is-behind-me-and-wants-to-use-it," Evelynsays.I pause for a very long time."Pat-rick?""Evelyn. Let it slide. I'm leaving right now. We'll all be thereshortly. I promise.""Oh my god—"I click back to the other line."Guys, guys, someone fucked up. I fucked up. You fucked up. Idon't know," I say in a total panic."What's wrong?" one of them asks."Jeanette and Evelyn are at Kaktus," I say."Oh boy." Van Patten cracks up."You know, guys, it's not beyond my capacity to drive a leadpipe repeatedly into a girl's vagina," I tell Van Patten andMcDermott, then add, after a silence I mistake for shock, ɹnallyon their parts an acute perception of my cruelty, "butcompassionately.""We all know about your lead pipe, Bateman," McDermott says."Stop bragging.""Is he like trying to tell us he has a big dick?" Van Patten asksCraig."Gee, I'm not sure," McDermott says. "Is that what you'retrying to tell us, Bateman?"I pause before answering. "It's ... well, no, not exactly." My callwaiting buzzes."Fine, I'm oɽcially jealous," McDermott wisecracks. "Nowwhere? Christ, what time is it?""It doesn't really matter. My mind has already gone numb." I'mso hungry now that I'm eating oat-bran cereal out of a box. Mycall waiting buzzes again."Maybe we can get some drugs.""Call Hamlin.""Jesus, you can't walk into a bathroom in this city withoutcoming out with a gram, so don't worry.""Anyone hear about Bell South's cellular deal?""Spuds McKenzie is on The Patty Winters Show tomorrow."
