Chapter 47 – Five Months Left
(JayJay's POV)
The hospital smelled the same every time.
Too clean. Too white. Too honest.
Like it had no intention of lying to me.
I sat on the edge of the bed in Dr. Ria's office, fingers tangled together so tightly they hurt. My hoodie sleeves were pulled over my hands like I could hide inside them.
I wish I could.
Dr. Ria didn't rush. She never did.
That was the worst part.
Silence always meant something heavy was coming.
She looked at the report again. Then at me.
Then she sighed softly.
Not dramatic.
Not emotional.
Just… tired in the way doctors get when they've told too many people the same truth.
"JJ," she said gently, "the progression has increased."
I already knew what that meant.
Still, I asked anyway.
"…how much time?"
She hesitated.
That pause said everything.
"Five months," she said finally. "Maybe less if stress continues."
My fingers stopped moving.
Five months.
That number didn't feel real.
It felt like something you say about homework deadlines or vacation plans.
Not life.
Not mine.
Not like this.
I nodded once.
Because what else do you do when your entire future gets reduced to a number?
Dr. Ria leaned forward slightly.
"There are treatments we can try. They won't cure it—but they can slow it. Extend quality time. Keep symptoms manageable."
I looked at her.
Really looked.
She wasn't lying.
She believed in what she was saying.
That made it worse.
Because hope sounds kind… until it becomes something you're expected to carry.
"I don't want treatment," I said.
My voice was calm.
Too calm.
Dr. Ria frowned immediately.
"JJ, you need to think carefully—"
"I have."
I interrupted her.
Still calm.
Still smiling slightly.
Like I wasn't breaking inside.
"I don't want to spend the time I have… inside hospitals."
She went quiet.
I continued anyway.
Because stopping meant thinking.
And thinking meant feeling.
And feeling meant collapsing.
"I already know where this goes," I said softly. "Medication. Side effects. Exhaustion. Watching my body become something I don't recognize faster while trying to 'extend' time that already doesn't feel like mine."
My throat tightened.
But I didn't stop.
"I'd rather live it than manage it."
Dr. Ria's eyes softened.
"JJ… refusing treatment won't change the outcome."
I laughed quietly.
It sounded wrong even to me.
"I know."
Silence again.
This one heavier.
Outside the window, people walked like nothing was ending.
Like time was infinite.
Like tomorrow was guaranteed.
Lucky them.
Dr. Ria closed the file slowly.
"You're very young."
That sentence almost broke me.
Because I know.
I know I'm young.
That's the problem.
I was finally starting to feel like I belonged somewhere.
Section E.
Percy's loud chaos.
Aries pretending he doesn't care but always watching.
Keifer—
Keifer.
And now this.
Five months.
Maybe less.
It felt unfair in the most boring way possible.
Not dramatic.
Not poetic.
Just… random.
Like someone picked my name out of a list of death and said, "Okay, her turn."
I stood up slowly.
My legs felt normal.
My body felt normal.
That was the cruelest part.
Nothing looked like it was ending.
But everything was.
Dr. Ria stood too.
"JJ…"
I turned toward the door.
My hand was already on the handle.
"I'll be fine," I said.
And I left before she could answer.
---
Outside the hospital, the air felt too loud.
Too alive.
I walked slowly.
Not because I was weak.
Because I was thinking too much.
Five months.
Less.
I tried to imagine it in normal life terms.
Five months of school.
Five months of laughter.
Five months of pretending I'm not counting.
Five months of hearing Percy scream "BABY SISTAH" every morning.
Five months of Keifer calling me "wifey" just to annoy me.
My chest tightened.
I stopped walking for a second.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
A car horn sounded nearby.
Life continuing.
Always continuing.
Even when mine was shrinking.
I looked down at my phone.
A message popped up.
Keifer ❤️
> When are you free today?
My fingers hovered over the screen.
For a second—
I wanted to tell him.
Everything.
Just say it.
Say the truth and watch the world split open properly instead of this quiet slow damage.
But I didn't.
Instead I typed:
> Busy.
Sent.
Simple.
Safe.
I started walking again.
Because that's what I do now.
I move forward.
Even when forward is disappearing.
I kept walking even after my legs stopped feeling like they belonged to me.
That's the funny part about bodies—you don't notice how fragile they are until they start quietly betraying you.
Five months.
The number kept repeating in my head like a broken ringtone.
Five months.
Five months.
Five months.
Like if I heard it enough times, it would stop meaning anything.
It didn't.
It only got sharper.
---
I sat down on the hospital steps for a second, even though I told myself I wouldn't.
The sky looked normal.
That was the most insulting part.
Clouds still moved. Birds still argued in the distance. A kid somewhere was laughing too loudly.
Everything was still allowed to continue.
Just not me.
I pulled my knees closer, resting my forehead on them.
And for a moment—
I let myself think the dangerous thought.
What if I didn't have this?
What if I had years instead of months?
What if I had time to be annoying properly?
To fight Keifer without counting how many fights are left.
To let Percy call me "baby sistah" for years instead of a ticking clock.
To see Aries actually smile without it feeling like a rare event.
To grow into something instead of slowly disappearing from it.
My throat tightened.
Because the truth is—
I don't even want a perfect life.
I just want enough of it.
---
My phone vibrated again.
Keifer.
I stared at his name.
Idiot Watson.
My idiot Watson.
A future I keep accidentally imagining.
It always starts small.
Normal things.
Him showing up at school late because of meetings.
Me rolling my eyes.
Him stealing my snacks.
Me threatening violence.
It always feels so real in my head.
Like it already exists somewhere.
Like I'm just not there yet.
But then reality hits like a slap.
There is no "later."
Not for me.
Not like that.
And it hurts in a way I don't know how to explain.
Because I never asked for forever.
I just started wanting it.
That's the worst timing of all.
---
I pressed my hand to my chest.
It didn't help.
Of course it didn't.
I tried to breathe slower.
In.
Out.
Like Dr. Ria always says.
Like it matters.
But my thoughts were louder than my lungs.
Keifer's face kept appearing in my mind.
His stupid smirk when he says "wifey."
The way he looks at me like I'm not temporary.
Like I'm just… here.
Like I'll always be here.
That belief in him—
it's unfair.
Because it makes me want to stay.
And I can't.
---
I stood up again slowly.
My legs were steadier now, but not because I was okay.
Because I had learned how to pretend.
That's all I've been doing lately.
Pretending my body isn't counting down.
Pretending I don't feel time slipping under my skin.
Pretending I can still plan things like they'll happen.
My future used to feel like a road.
Now it feels like a window I'm watching from.
---
I started walking again.
This time faster.
Because if I slowed down too much, I might start thinking again.
And thinking is dangerous.
Thinking leads to honesty.
And honesty leads to breaking.
---
My phone lit up again.
Keifer.
> JJ.
You didn't reply properly.
Are you okay?
I stared at it.
My throat hurt suddenly.
Because he notices.
Of course he notices.
Idiot.
My idiot.
I typed:
> I'm fine. Just tired.
Sent.
Lies are easier when they're short.
---
But even as I said it—
my mind split into two voices.
One voice screamed:
Tell him. Let him know. Don't do this alone.
The other voice was quieter.
Wiser.
Crueler.
He doesn't need to watch you disappear.
Let him love you without watching you break.
---
I stopped walking near a wall and leaned against it.
My hands were shaking slightly now.
Not enough for anyone else to notice.
But I did.
Of course I did.
I stared at them like they belonged to someone else.
These hands.
These eyes.
This body that still laughs, still talks, still argues—
but is quietly running out of time.
---
I thought about Keifer again.
And it hit me suddenly—
not like pain.
Like realization.
I will not get a normal ending with him.
No slow growing up.
No years of annoying each other.
No future where we argue about dumb things at 2 AM while eating junk food.
No version where I get to be there long enough to become "normal" in his life.
I'm not a long story.
I'm a short one he didn't know was ending.
---
My chest tightened again, harder this time.
I closed my eyes.
Just for a second.
And I let myself imagine something I shouldn't.
Keifer older.
Still annoying.
Still calling me wifey.
Me laughing.
Me staying.
Me alive.
It felt warm.
It felt almost real.
And then it shattered.
Because I opened my eyes again.
And I was still here.
Still now.
Still temporary.
---
I laughed softly.
Not because anything was funny.
Because I didn't know what else to do with everything breaking inside me.
"You're so stupid," I whispered to myself.
"You finally got something good… and you're running out of time to keep it."
---
My phone buzzed again.
Keifer:
> I'm calling you later. Don't ignore me.
I stared at it for a long moment.
Then typed:
> okay.
And sent it.
Because I can't say goodbye yet.
Not to him.
Not to this life that finally started feeling like mine.
Even if I already know—
it's going to end without asking me permission.