Act 4, Scene 2
"Um, again, I'm Van Gogh… I'm very sorry for the trouble!" Gogh says with a bow.
There's a bit of silence after that, until I finally use my right arm to elbow Miyako, who's still standing halfway behind me. Incidentally, the left arm is currently occupied by an annoying scorpion clinging to it. "...S'fine," my childhood friend mutters. I elbow her again, and she tries to move further behind me. "I was rude… my bad."
"Micchan is a social disaster, so please be patient with her, everyone!" I only manage half an apologetic bow because Shaula is still clinging to me.
"Well, we already heard a bit about that from Hieda-no-Are, but I guess it's good to have you helping out in that regard, Subaru," Romani says - ah, looks like he and Recorder finished up. "But I don't think he mentioned your other friend…?"
…Right.
"This is Shaula, everyone. She's the one who was sniping at us this whole time, but she's very sorry so please forgive her!" I say with another half-bow.
"I am?" Shaula asks, refusing to bow, so I grab the back of her head and pull her down with me.
"You are!"
"Okaaaay, Master says I'm sorry, so I'm sorry, everyone!" The woman cheerfully says.
"She doesn't sound sincere in the slightest!" Romani protests. "Wait, no, to start with, how the heck did you recruit her so fast!? You flipped enemies a couple times before, but nowhere near this fast! Is she another Servant from that other world?"
"Nope! I'm Master's Noble Phantasm… even though he's just been ignoring me… and just spends all his time in the library reading books with that purple girl… even though he's got me! I'm better looking than her, shouldn't he flirt with me instead!? I can finish his sentences too!" Shaula goes on a bizarre rant that I… no, actually, I can kind of put it together thanks to that dream earlier.
"Basically, the situation here is that-" I start to say.
"-I'm the super-best ally and the only one that Master needs!" Shaula says, and I glare at her.
"What seems to be happening is-" "-that Master is realizing just how useful I can be, so he came into my room and untied me!" Again, Shaula cuts me off.
"-The situation is that, somewhere in this tower -" "-Master and I are going to make our love nest!"
Finally, I give up and karate chop her head. "You're not finishing my sentences correctly at all, so cut it out!"
"Owwww! Master, you're so mean! Even though I'm your Noble Phantasm now, you still won't go easy on me in the slighteeeest!" She whines.
"No, in the first place, you're not my Noble Phantasm, you clearly belong to that gross white-haired guy further up the tower!" I shout.
She just tilts her head. "Master is Master, though?" What a literal bug-brain.
Giving up on her, I glance back at a grimacing Romani. "Yeah, it's about what you're thinking - it's another scenario like Rigel, there's an evil version of me here and Shaula is his Noble Phantasm. Heck, the whole tower might be…"
"From my analysis, this iteration of the Pleiades Watch Tower is a rumor, conjured near wholecloth by our adversary," Recorder cuts in.
-Right, there's also the subject of the 'rumors' that popped up our whole way here - no, come to think of it- "Actually, I talked about the possibility of a guy like this popping up, with Rigel back in Okeanos. Could it be-?"
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Natsuki-" He starts to say, and I frown.
"Oi, didn't we want to not say my name out loud? Though I guess it seems like that ship has sailed…" I mutter.
"There should be no danger to names being known," Xiang Yu, who has already taken a seat at the table within the dining hall, speaks up. "On that note, there's no particular danger to discussing the identity of Chaldea's adversary at this stage either. He's had all of the time he needs to set the stage here - last minute additions will only throw his careful preparations off."
"Really?" I mutter. I guess this guy is some kind of clairvoyant? All I remember him as is a vaguely important warlord with a tragic romance, though. "...I ran into someone at the start of this singularity who said it would probably be helpful if my name got eaten by Gluttony for its duration."
"-That much is likely. If Chaldea's adversary had forgotten about your existence, it would have mangled most of his plans," the ancient warlord notes. "At the very least, he might have left you unharassed for most of your journey if he was ignorant of your existence."
-Ah. Dammit, why couldn't she have just said that?
"-Tch! Of course, that all means nothing from the mouth of one of the very rumors conjured by this singularity!" Recorder shoots back.
"Careful, honey, you're gonna upset Hinako," Peperoncino(?) says with a light chuckle.
"On that subject!" I point at him. "...Recorder, didn't you say that the one traveling with Romani wasn't a human you recognized from Chaldea's database?"
"I'll amend it. My records were slightly scrambled, and it's no surprise," The Caster says.
"-Well, it seems like I'm more like two humans from Chaldea!" Peperoncino gives a big laugh. "Daybit did something or other and we wound up fused, or something like that. If you come and look at my tongue and eyes real close, you'll see that each of them is really two fused together. Look, there's a little seam!"
"I didn't want to see this kind of Jojo reference in real life!" I protest. "-So, are you mostly Pepe, then, or-?"
"Hm? Someone's told you my nickname?" He asks. "-Well, that's fine. Yep, from a consciousness perspective I'm much more like Scandinavia Peperoncino than Daybit - though technically speaking, I think both of them are 'dead', and I'm someone else who was born on the spot where they were disassembled."
I start to open my mouth, but-
"I believe the rest of the introductions and explanations should wait until our food is ready," Xiang Yu says. "We have two cooks in the kitchen after all, and they will need to be here in order to avoid a second round of explanations."
"Is that going to be soon?" The until-now silent Servant of Emiya-senpai asks. I guess he's the other kitchen-dweller? "I'm probably going to disappear soon since Shirou's gone - can't they cook any faster?" Or not!?
"Wait, Emiya-Senpai got killed?" I ask. "-No, before that you haven't got a contract and you're just sitting around snacking!?"
"Mgmgmg…" She shovels the last of the rice that was on the table earlier into her mouth. I hope that wasn't all of the rice that was supposed to go with our meal. "Well, Recorder said not to try to make any contracts, since I might be a rumor Servant. I told him that I was summoned properly and then passed on to Shirou, but it's not like I can prove Neco-Arc's existence… I think I'll just eat some more and then go back to the Servantverse."
There's something in my brain that makes me want to believe her, for some reason. But, if I did… that might make things worse. Somehow, I feel like the world would be in peril. "This person can never meet Nobunaga… somehow, my brain is telling me that."
"Oh? Nobbu's in this timeline too?" She asks. "I was thinking only Ritsuka would be able to keep up with her…"
Oi.
"Rumors cannot conjure rumors. They cannot, and yet I deny your existence, Mysterious Heroine X!" Recorder shouts as if he's having a mental crisis.
"W-wait, how the heck do you know Ritsu-kun!?" Miyako shouts. Huh?
"Ritsu…kun…?" I mumble. My brain is straining. There's something. Fujimaru Ritsuka. The Four Heavenly Playground Kings, were… who, exactly?
A monstrous dog snarls. ████-chan screams. The click of a lock, and reality opens. Crystalline horns, writhing under the moonlight. A black shadow, with three burning red eyes.
Fujimaru Ritsuka is no longer in this world. ███████ ████████ never was.
"What…" My head feels like it's going to split open. Fujimaru of the South. How did I forget him? And, even worse, ████████ of the West is still lost to me.
"And you insisted that there were no more rumors to be conjured-!?" Recorder hisses towards Xiang Yu.
"This one was prepared beforehand. In my calculations, there is no future where Fujimaru Ritsuka fails to confront us," the Chinese Warlord responds.
"...We have to know anyway," Miyako says, and I find myself nodding. "Ritsu-kun… disappeared that day. If he can appear here, then maybe-"
"Perhaps you can discover why Fujimaru Ritsuka is absent from this world," Recorder mutters. "-I'll allow it. We're playing into the enemy's hands, but this truth must be uncovered as soon as possible."
"...I'm completely lost, so can someone catch me up on who we're even talking about?" Romani says.
"Haaah… Our cooks will be finished soon. Natsuki Subaru, I'll have you form a contract with that fool from the Servantverse for now," Recorder says. "Infuriatingly enough, she seems to be no conjuration of the Singularity."
Seriously…?
***
Scene 3
A few minutes pass, during which I try with limited success to pry Shaula off of me, and to prompt Miyako to attempt a conversation with literally anyone other than me. But neither desired result really manifests, and I'm left trying to keep the conversation moving on my own.
"Really? Our little Mash, up against King Arthur?" Pepe says with a chuckle. "Well, I guess she always had some steel in her gaze, but I didn't imagine she'd be able to push herself that far." He tips his head backwards, closing his eyes for a moment. "How's Beryl responded? Goghie told me he was her master."
"The director's been keeping the two of them as separated as possible," Romani responds. "-The guy's been completely fixated on his Servant since he got back, though."
"Mmm, I can see that they're probably one hell of a match already," Pepe mutters. "And from what little I've seen of her, Goghie's not the type to report anything to you, right?"
"Yeah. At this rate, something might have to be done," Romani replies with a frown.
"-So since I'm out of the loop, what exactly is going on between Mash and Beryl-san, anyway?" I finally ask. "She said something about him creeping on her four years ago-"
"No, it's more than that." Romani says. "I guess you've gotten a pretty good first impression of Beryl, but-"
"Xiang Yu-sama, the food is served at last. Thank you for waiting," Comes a new voice as a strangely familiar looking woman with long brown hair exits the kitchen, carrying massive platters of food on each of her hands - no, just how many dishes is that!?
"Ah, my Yu… you truly are the most generous woman in the world," The man responds, smiling as she sets the entire feast in front of him - no, really, that's enough food for the entire Chaldea staff! When did this woman even have time to cook it!? And it's all different dishes, too!
"Xiang Yu-sama…" She blushes, looking away from him. "You flatter me."
"Master, we can't lose to these lovey-dovey normies! Let's show them we're better!" Shaula shouts , tightening her grip around my arm and trying to lean in for a kiss. "You can't have my heart, but I'll give you my body, so let's show them up, Master!"
Naturally, I block it, and try to push her off. "Cut it out! What are you even talking about!?"
"You're right, there's no point in playing coy, you have my heart too, Master!~"
"Your 'playing coy' was an obvious failure in the first few seconds!"
"Su-kun, Su-kun," Miyako whispers, trying to hide behind the shoulder Shaula hasn't attached to. "That woman… isn't it the Teke-Teke from earlier?"
"Ah!?" I shout. It is! It totally is, the last time I saw her, she was just an upper torso, crawling after me! What the heck is going on…! Her eyes turn towards me, and suddenly they're full of murder!
"Ah! Master, Master, that's the scary woman, the one who kept regenerating her head every time I shot it off!" Shaula detaches from my arm and hides behind me - oi! That's both of you turning me into a shield!?
"...Wait, does this mean all the food is for Xiang Yu? At least I already ate all the rice, then…" Mysterious Heroine X says, walking over to poke my shoulder. "Hey, new Master, do you think you can convince him to share? I can make do with just having eaten all of his rice while he was busy talking to people, but the other stuff does look really good."
"Would you guys stop!? The Teke-Teke lady already looks like she's going to kill me, stop pissing her off even more!" I protest - ah! She's literally starting to catch on fire! What the heck-!?
"My Yu, it's enough. They're merely children and fools. Don't concern yourself too much," Xiang Yu says, hooking an arm around the woman's waist and pulling her close to him.
"Y-yes, my love…" She replies.
"No, hang on, what the heck is even going on here!?" Romani blurts out. "Akuta, isn't it obvious that Xiang Yu is berserk or something? He's mistaking you for his wife, Yu Mei-ren!"
"Haaah… This is why humans are…" She - Akuta Hinako, I guess? - gives a big sigh. "You're the biggest fool of them all, Romani. My Xiang Yu is never wrong. The future prediction engine that the Emperor gave him won't allow it. My beloved believes that I'm his wife because I am. You're a human, so you won't understand - but I have waited, two-thousand, two-hundred and eighteen years, nine months, one day, and five hours - for the sake of this reunion."
A brief silence follows - or not.
"Master!" Shaula, without an ounce of grace, undercuts the dramatic declaration without even thinking. "She's just like me, for real!"
"Hey, don't say that, you only waited five hundred years!" I whisper. "That's only a quarter as long, she might get offended-!"
"As fellow tragic heroines of longing, let's get along, Paisen!" Nope, she's not listening.
"Get me a soda, and I'll think about it," Akuta is going along with it!?
"My Yu, it's your kind heart, just like that, which so enchants me…" Where was it!? I don't see the kind heart anywhere!?
"Well, in short, Yu Mei-ren and Xiang Yu are what we call an idiot couple," Heroine X says with calm confidence. "...It's weird that Xiang Yu isn't a robot horse here, though. Space Xu Fu might actually feel threatened like this."
"No such person will be summoned to this world!" Recorder shouts.
"...But, putting all of that aside, there was one more person in the kitchen, righ-" I start to say, but my words catch in my throat, and my heart stills.
A form, with silver hair, exits the kitchen. Not a delusion, or a hallucination. I can tell that. She's carrying a few more plates, after all - those phantoms can't interact with the world at all.
"Emi-" The name almost comes out. I regret it instantly. I see the pang of hurt in her expression. Of sick, twisted, regret. And then, even more pain, as she sees Shaula's arms still wrapped around mine.
"...Rem." I say, finally. "I missed you."
"Barusu, what the fuck do you mean, 'Rem'?" comes a voice I shouldn't be able to hear in my ears, and I grimace despite myself.
Her eyes close, and a forced smile so pained I'd never want to see it on either her original face or Emilia's, is displayed in front of me. "Mm. Good morning, Subaru-kun. Your Rem is here!"