Brandon closed the door of the apartment with the back of his heel. He dropped the bag of fresh OR scrubs he'd pilfered from the storeroom and walked the two bags of heavy shopping over to the kitchen counter and heaved them on top. He took off his jacket and threw it at a hook on the wall, then kicked his trainers into the corner by the door. "Alexa, play some music."
"Sure, playing some music based on your preferences now." Some easy rock playlist kicked in. It would do.
He started unpacking the shopping.
He hadn't always been this untidy. Grace had always been a bit of a neat freak and he liked living in a tidy place, but since she'd gone, he found it hard to justify doing anything other than working or doing all he could to find her. He felt anything less was a betrayal. In the last few months, it had gotten worse as leads dried up and avenues closed. He'd sat around a lot. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been to the gym. He hadn't seen Kross again after he left to chase down Sinclair, but maybe he and Riley were right. Maybe it was time to start moving on.
It was dusk, almost seven o'clock.
He ruminated as he packed away the shopping. He then put the dirty dishes from the sink and the counters into the dishwasher and turned it on. Whatever didn't fit, he washed by hand in the sink.
How could he let go? What did that even look like?
Now with a clean kitchen, he decided to cook for once.
He ate the salmon, rice, and broccoli at the table, even savoured the white wine for once rather than his usual habit of necking it. He'd considerately paired a nice, crisp, cold Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc with his fish. Grace would have approved. She'd always been the connoisseur. He sat there listening to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, finishing his wine. After half a bottle, he got up. He unloaded the dishwasher, put away the plates, and put the dirty dishes from dinner in.
He walked over and scanned the wall unit in front of him.
It was something of a timeline in artifacts and photos. Trinkets from trips, his medical school diploma, pictures of them with Lucas. He picked up their wedding picture. Brendon dressed in a smart grey suit and pale blue tie, Grace in a slim white gown with a flared hem. Kross standing next to him on the steps of the chapel. Family and friends smiling and happy. It was the day his life moved on a step. Soon after the wedding, he and Grace left the Peace Corps so he could complete his degree in Seattle. Then Lucas was born, eighteen months later, and then two years after that, he was diagnosed.
He was starting to feel like he was about to move on to another step in his life now. This one without Grace. One without any clear direction or destination. Just an abyss of darkness ahead. A story he'd have to make up as he went along. He put down the wedding photo and looked at the door to the nursery.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd been in there. He'd pretty much managed to forget it was there. He walked over to the door and slowly creaked it open. It was dark, the shutters were down, and the blackout blind was drawn. Just the fading light from the living room was filtering in and finding edges. He walked past the cot and sat down in the nursing chair under the window. He picked up one of Lucas' teddy bears, a panda that the nursing team at the hospital had given him.
He held it close to his chest.
He didn't feel ready to give this up yet.