For reasons, i must put a profanity warning
But that's sorta why you're here so
Profanity is in this chapter
"Happy anniversary, dad" said Beth happily as she ate breakfast
The entire Smith family was now sitting at the dinner table having breakfast
"Oh, i get it. Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers." Said Rick before taking a bite out of his food "i should be making you breakfast for putting up with me."
"Should be making us a whole restaurant" commented Jerry with a deep frown
"Nonsense, we couldn't be happier to have you around. I just wish i got to see more of you." Said Beth with a soft smile before three armed Ricks in an odd outfit entered the room through a portal
Lorimer took a glance at them and yelled "and i just wish i got a cute tsundere girlfriend who'd love me!" Lorimer gained odd looks from everyone including the three armed Ricks in the room "hmm, no girlfriend dropping in, and here I thought it was 'ask and you shall receive'" said Lorimer before he continued eating nonchalantly
"Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137. You are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the transdimensional council of Ricks." Said one of the armed Ricks in a serious tone
"Hey, what the heck?!" Said Jerry in anger amd confusion
"Neutralize the Jerry" said the armed Rick, causing one of the other two armed Rick to fire a gun at Jerry, freezing him in place
"Dad!" Yelled Summer in a panic
"Dad!" Yelled Beth
"Rick!" Yelled Morty
"That's a dick move" said Lorimer calmly as he eyed the frozen Jerry while eating his food "pun intended" he said before standing up and pulling out his DNA gun and firing at one of the Ricks, turning him into a were-bear. The Ricks fired intensely at their previous comrade until he went down
"He has an R-Lorimer, i repeat, an R-Lorimer" said the armed Rick into a communicator as the other Ricks pointed their weapons at Lorimer
"So I'm R-rated now? I'm fifteen, do i need parental approval to continue existing or something?" Asked Lorimer raising a brow, completely unfazed by the guns pointed at him
"It's not that kind of R, Lori" said Rick before turning to the armed Ricks "now, everybody relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just wanna haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it over with."
"Bring his Mo*burp*rty and Lorimer too" said the armed Rick
"Oh, man" said Morty in a bit of fear
"Firstly, leave my *burp* Morty out of this. Secondly, isn't bringing an R-Lorimer to the citadel considered a huge security breach or something?" Said Rick angrily before raising a brow at the last part
"You lost the right to ask and have a say in these things when you refused to join *burp* the council." Said the leader of the armed Ricks
"Wait! Wh-wh-wh-what about Jerry?" Asked Beth in a panic
"Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?" Asked Rick with a frown and the armed Rick did so before taking all of them through the portal they came through
"Geez, Rick, what is this place?" Asked Morty nervously as he, Lorimer and Rick were taken through the citadel of Ricks...that had Ricks, Morties...and Lorimers living all over.
"This looks like an actual nightmare" deadpanned Lorimer
"Yup, it's the citadel of Ricks; it's the secret headquarters of the council of Ricks" replied Rick with a frown
"Council of Ricks?" Asked Morty curiously
"As you know, Morty, I've got a lotta enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government: wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on yahoo answers."
"It's not the worst idea idea, for animals that is, but i don't need to look around too much to realize that the execution was handled with as much care as fragile objects by a terrible delivery service" said Lorimer looking like he doesn't want to deal with this "but regardless of how bad bad of an idea this place is, can you explain why I'm somehow restricted content?"
"There are two types of Lorimers out there. The first kind is the meek, shy, polite, nervous type that'd refuse to hurt a fly, yet they're still smart enough to create things that'd help Ricks with some problems". Those are the M-Lorimers...Morty Lorimers" said Rick calmly before Lorimer's eyes widened "and as you might've guessed R-Lorimer means Rick Lorimer. Those are selfish, cunning, dangerous monsters with enough intelligence to cement the spot of second smartest. Most of them also have very little tolerance for Ricks; one has allegedly killed a Rick for breathing too loud. A big difference between the two is that R-Lorimers always have a fear of a random animal that they cannot get over for some reason."
Lorimer's face paled as he quickly realized what R-Lorimers were. He thought he was the only one, he never bothered to check the memory of the Lorimer he killed and took the place of, but if what Rick said was true then this might get a little scary
Morty then spotted a cowboy version of himself "hey, what do you know? It's a cowboy version of me"
"Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick and most Ricks have a Morty, and SOME of them have a M-Lorimer. This place is a real who's-who of who's you, him and me."
"Why does this have to be so complicated" said Lorimer tiredly, drooping a little at the thought of dealing with any of this
"Trust me, it gets worse" commented Rick as they passed by a few Rick salesmen
Eventually, the three made it to the council of Ricks after a heated rick-slang (which was just adding the word Rick onto words) filled argument between our Rick and another Rick
"Bring up the holograms" ordered a Rick from the council and a screen depicting many dead Ricks appeared "27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timeline. A Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137"
"You think i did this? Why am i the first Rick you pull everytime a Rick stubs his toe?" Asked Rick angrily
Lorimer watched as the two argued, not caring too much about the details. He zoned out until things actually got interesting.
"-And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top! And I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So as they say in Canada, peace oot!" Said Rick angrily, getting a smile from the council of Ricks
"Evidence? Good idea. Scan his portal gun" said one of council Ricks
"Wait! I have an idea!" Yelled out Lorimer raising his hand causing everyone to give him odd looks. He payed them no mind and went to Rick, grabbed his portal gun and messed with it for a few seconds before handing it to one of the soldier Ricks "here you go"
"What did you do?" Asked one of the council Ricks
"I deleted the portal gun's history" deadpanned Lorimer
"You did WHAT?!"
"Yes, i did it. And if i can fiddle with it for a few seconds and delete it's history then the guy WHO MADE THE THING should be ABLE TO DO THE SAME! Am i wrong?" Asked Lorimer in frustration at the stupidity of the situation "i mean, MORTIMER here has enough common sense to delete his internet history after he's done with his teenage stuff or at least he'd use incognito mode!"
"Maybe he just forgot about it and you just remembered it for him" said a council Rick "making you as guilty as him"
"Oh, look at this, i, for no reason at all, did some murdering that'd immediately get pinned on me all while i keep the blood soaked knife in my pocket! Yes, i am smartest being in the universe" Yelled Lorimer mockingly
"He has a point" commented Rick getting the council's undivided attention
"Having an R-Lorimer help you is already enough to make you suspicious. You know how dangerous they ar-" said a council Rick before he heard moaning but as soon as he stopped to hear it, it stopped "those cunning bastards would go as far kill Ricks for fun" he was stopped by another wave of moaning, this time they saw it was clearly coming from Lorimer, gaining him everyone's attention
"Oh, sorry, i just can't help but moan when someone is KISSING my ass!" Yelled Lorimer angrily
"Oh, someone shut him up!" Ordered one ofthe council Ricks angrily, causing one of the soldier Ricks to aim a gun at Lorimer. Lorimer replied by farting in the direction of the soldier, knocking him out "what?" The council Rick asked in confusion since a fart shouldn't have even made it to the soldier considering the distance
"My butthole is built like a sniper rifle, my farts are toxic, and my pants are made to not block them; so hear my proposal or I'm about to make a lot of immature fart jokes"
"Fine" said one of the council Ricks tiredly
"You let us clear our names by catching the real killer and no one gets hurt...except the killer of course"
"And how are you gonna find said killer?" Asked a council Rick
"They most likely wanted my Rick framed and that means this thing should've been hacked" said Lorimer calmly before turning to his Rick "can you trace it?"
"I could've before you deleted my hacked portal history" deadpanned Rick
"Good thing i didn't then." Said Lorimer with a smile before taking Rick's portal gun and throwing it to him "now let's go, if i wanted to watch a trial I'd play ace attorney again"
"Very well, but if you fail; The council of Ricks will sentence all of you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you know becomes impossible to grasp. Also every ten seconds it stabs your balls."
"Okay, Rick, can you make sure the gun was hacked?" Said Lorimer as he turned around quickly while Morty was getting extremely nervous "i care about you, but not that much"
Rick rolled his eyes in disappointment before checking his portal gun for a minute "it's been hacked, you can stop thinking of using me as a sacrifice" he said before firing a portal from his gun
"Can you blame me? You're an old man, i still have a life ahead of me" whined Lorimer as he walked into the portals "immortality doesn't count"
Morty just followed the two in
"You know guys, when I first saw all those Ricks, Mortys and Lorimers, I thought 'gee, that kinda devalues our bond.' But then I realised that just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines." Said Morty happily
Morty, Rick and Lorimer were all now in Rick's spaceship, ready to head to the real killer's base
"Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage and the M-Lorimers are just glorified garbage disposals" said Rick bluntly as ge started the engine
"Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?" Asked Morty in shock and confusion
"And what do you mean by glorified garbage disposal?" Asked Lorimer raising a brow
"Ricks have a very distinct and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. See, wh-wh-when a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get cancelled out by the uh, *clears throat* Morty waves." Said Rick, trying to be nice about it "M-Lorimers clean after Ricks because of how...eco-friendly they are, and they make use of the garbage while they're at it. They also don't have a traceable brainwave. R-Lorimers just make their own camouflage" he said before glancing at Lorimer
"Yes, i have one. Big deal" Lorimer waved it off as nothing and Rick continued
"They also the right thing by shooting the Rick that suggested the idea of ever going to the citadel; though it's weird how you always know it's a bad idea"
"Oh, uh,...i uh...too much TV?" Said Lorimer not knowing what to say
"You could've just said no"
"Man, this place is wayyy of the grid. This guy does not wanna be found"
The three were now at the base of the killer, on a place far far away
"Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Morty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are? Human cloaking devices?" Said Morty clearly dissatisfied
"Morty, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is" said Rick rolling his eyes before Morty noticed something about the dome like building that was the killer's base
"Oh my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building!"
"Not people, Morty, Mortys." Corrected Ricks
"This is why i don't like going on adventures with you two" added Lorimer
The base of the killer had a gigantic number of naked Mortys strapped unto it, constantly getting stabbed in the sides by a contraption
"Oh my god, why would anyone do this? It's horrible!" Said Morty, repulsed by the sight in front of him
"Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you-you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put 'em in agonising pain. That creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a *burp* concept like this once." Said Rick calmly, causing Morty to glare at him "On paper, Morty, on paper! I wouldn't do this, it's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with like five Mortys and a jumper cable...which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship." He said before getting another glare as the three landed their ship
"At least there aren't me's being tortured"
"Nah, Lorimers are rarer than Mortys. He probably has a small amount of them that's forced to work create the super healing serum that's probably keeping the Mortys running" said Rick calmly, getting a third glare from Rick and an eyebrow raise from Lorimer "what? M-Lorimers are really good at making a long lasting healing juice which is good when you don't want to refill it all the time" he earned a fourth glare
The three began walking through the corridors of the building as quietly as they could...which was pretty loud
"You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-or-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! I'm just an object!" Said Morty angrily
"Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Morty. Now for the love of god, be quiet! The point of this is to get the drop on the guy!" Reprimanded Rick angrily
"You know what Rick, I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shiel-"
"Yeah! And you might end up as a human corpse if you don't shut up!" Said Lorimer angrily "now shut up!"
"No!" Yelled Morty
"Morty, you are as dumb as we are smart, so when we tell you to shut up, it's really good advice!" Added Rick, causing Morty to tear up and a bunch of lobster like aliens to appear and surround them
Lorimer pulled out his DNA gun and fired at one of the lobster alien's eyes, transforming them into a rhino. The rhino killed some aliens before getting caught by them, Lorimer couldn't make another since he wasn't able to aim at the soft parts of the lobsters. He and Rick continued fighting until they were eventually caught
Then they heard slow clapping. It was evil Rick, evil Morty...and evil Lorimer
Each of the three went with their evil counterpart. Now, Lorimer was in a locked room with evil Lorimer completely unshackled for some reason
"Finally, we're alone...Lorimer" said evil Lorimer calmly as he offered a seat "or should i say...Philip"
"Okay, what's your deal? You want to rule the world or something because you believe these people are meaningless to us or what?" Asked Lorimer raising a brow as
"Impatient, but whatever. I'm just an ordinary Lorimer...unlike you"
"So you're an experiment where they tried putting the memories of an R-Lorimer into an M-Lorimer?" Asked Lorimer with a frown
"Yup."
"And you've had an existential crisis that caused you to have some mental illnesses?" Asked Lorimer
"Absolutely! But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to propose a deal"
"I don't make deals with people, i watch too many cartoons for that" said Lorimer rolling his eyes
"Don't worry, i don't want much. I just want the plans you have for the ultimate artificial life form"
"Shadow the hedgehog?" Lorimer raised a brow
"No, the other one. You see, after i learned the truth about...everything i went a little crazy. I wanted to feel like I'm real...like I'm worth more than some drawings on a screen"
Then a large screen appeared in the room and showed many Lorimers with shock collars working to death
"Unlike them. Those poor souls. Slaves to a plot written by the imagination of another being. I want to escape the influence of such a being, but for that to happen, i have to overcome a little hurdle called 'the Citadel of Ricks'...but the memories of the Philip i have don't contain the ending that i want. So to cement the plan and protect myself, i need the ultimate artificial lifeform"
"And what do i get? Freedom? Survival? The ability to go home?" Asked Lorimer raising a brow "and how do you even know i have what you want"
"Geez, you really ask a lot of questions. The answer is you'll get all of that and a bit more" he said as he pulled out a briefcase "in this case is the DNA of many creatures across the multiverse. Creatures that can cement your survival too...and all you need to do is give me those plans"
"How about...no" said Lorimer as they heard a knock on the door. The door was soon broken down and behind it was...Lorimer's DNA gun that now had spider like legs. It ran right into his arms and he pointed it at his evil counterpart
"Did you wait for it just for fun or to increase your chances of winning?"
"A little bit of both" answered Lorimer with a frown
"Well, i didn't expect that to happen, but looking at the results...i think i came out on top" he said causing Lorimer to immediately notice that a bit of his DNA gun fluid was missing. He immediately tried and fire at evil Lorimer only to fail as a portal appeared under him, taking him away
The rest played out the same and the three made it home. One a little more anxious than the others