The trees swayed in the gentle breath of the spring breeze. Birds sang unhurriedly, and animals, both small and large, went about their business undisturbed.
But in one of the tea fields —specifically, one of the closest to the tomb of Imperial Prince Asaka, son of Emperor Shōmu, which sat atop a small hill within a circular mausoleum— the silence was particularly stifling. As a significant historical site and a popular destination for visitors to the town of Wazuka, it was not unusual to see groups of tourists. Nature lovers escaping the urban sprawl of cities like Kyoto or Osaka, enjoying the scenery.
Yet on that day, at that hour, and in those precise seconds, the only sounds to be heard were the chirping of insects, the occasional gust of wind, and the shouts of a teenager.
—¡Help me!— Shinji screamed as he fled from a curse —surely a Grade 4— that looked like a bizarre fusion of an alligator, an orangutan, and a dung beetle. The chase consisted mainly of Shinji barely dodging the kicks of that repulsive abomination, which emitted a sound like laughter every time it grazed the future EVA pilot's body.
Rémy stroked his chin from a safe distance. Meanwhile, Erick mocked Shinji by pelting him with snacks, balls, and random objects, trying to knock him down.
«It's not showing up» Rémy thought with a sigh.
The commission royalties —that System mechanism that granted him credits for instigating absurd public scenes— failed to materialize, despite all the commotion and the damage being wreaked on the site. Seizing the opportunity Shinji offered to acquire truly useful items, Rémy focused entirely on gathering credits. He opened his interface menu, selected the new tab that had unlocked the day after summoning him, and set about examining it.
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—LEVEL-UP AND SQUAD REWARD NOTIFICATION—
Congratulations, Operator! You have managed to gather two summoned entities under your command without bleeding to death in the process, exceeding the algorithm's initial estimates by 99.8%.
As a reward for successfully forming a functional squad (or at least a squad that hasn't killed each other yet), the System has reached:
[ INTERFACE LEVEL 1.5 ]
NEW FEATURES UNLOCKED (MODE: SURVIVAL FACILITATOR FOR THE USELESS)
1. THREAT DETECTOR (PREEMPTIVE COWARDICE MODE)
A passive alert has been implemented. The System will deliver a mild electric shock to your spine whenever you approach a Rank 3 curse or higher, giving you a reasonable window of time to flee before being devoured.
2. ENTITY INTERACTION STABILIZER
Given your nonexistent charisma and the mental instability of your units, the System will now mitigate some of the physical impact of their accidental attacks against you, reducing the probability of being killed by one of your own summons by mistake by 5%. (Does not apply if the murderous intent is genuine.)
3. USER INTERFACE (MEDIOCRE GAMER MODE)
Since you are a video game fanatic and useless at hunting curses, your DNA has been updated. An interactive visual menu projected directly onto your retina has been enabled. By simply focusing on yourself or your units, the System will display individual character sheets. Here, you can review your own attribute panel (currently restricted due to your alarming lack of aptitude), as well as the inventory, equipment, penalties, and mental deterioration of your summons.
Everything is structured with the aesthetic of the RPGs you consume so voraciously, designed to be foolproof so you can keep track of whether Shinji is on the verge of an existential breakdown or if Cartman is planning to bite you—all without overloading your limited cognitive capacity.
Note: In short, surviving in this curse-infested world is about to get a little easier (or at least, less painful). Make sure to take advantage of these tools before Cartman decides to use his claws on you.
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A list followed, detailing the items and curses he had collected so far; however, since it focused merely on data compilation, he paid it no mind at the moment, shifting his gaze instead to his personal wallet, which held a mere 500 credits.
Rémy let out a sigh. As long as he utilized any of his summoned items—ranging from that book still lost somewhere in Africa to the hamburgers he prepared using the secret formula—and elicited some form of impact or reaction from the world's inhabitants, he would continue to earn credits.
After confirming that this rule applied beyond just the actions of his summoned characters, he set up a small fast-food stall. The flavor, as divine as the *SpongeBob SquarePants* cartoon had always promised, drew a crowd of customers from day one. With every purchase and every satisfied stomach, Rémy earned between 10 and a respectable 80 credits per person.
He could afford a few useful items right now, but Rémy already had a specific goal in mind.
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ITEM: "MINIATURE PALLET ASSAULT RIFLE (PALLET GUN)" (20,000 credits)
Type: Standard NERV Ballistic Weaponry / Ranged Weapon
Effect: Fires depleted uranium ammunition at high velocity. High physical piercing power against mundane targets.
Description: The standard-issue firearm for Evangelion units, infamous in the records for its remarkable ability to burn through Tokyo-3's military budget without leaving so much as a scratch on an Angel's AT Field.
Note: The System has had the decency to scale this massive weapon down to human proportions so you can actually use it. While statistically useless against god-tier threats or Special Grade curses, it remains a lethal rifle capable of inflicting the kind of collateral damage and noise that are excellent for farming credits. Ideal for emptying the magazine in a panic and then making a run for it.
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«In a best-case scenario, if every customer buying a burger spent the maximum 80 credits, hitting the 20,000 mark would be possible after serving just 250 people»
Rémy calculated mentally.
Realistically, however, it was best to assume an average of 45 credits per sale. Doing the quick math, that meant he'd have to cook for and feed around 445 people to reach his goal... Or something like that.
If it were up to him, he'd have no problem spending the next few days flipping burgers until he'd gathered the credits. Unfortunately, the world was a bitch, and chaos wasn't going to sit still and wait for him to finish frying meat.
In that light, increasing his hunting rate was just as important. At Shinji's thirteenth shout, he snapped out of his thoughts and raised his voice as loud as he could.
—¡Hey! ¿What are you waiting for? ¡Get it to the tree!
More out of impulse than conscious choice, Shinji followed the instructions and sprinted toward one of the nearby trees. The one with a huge red cross painted right in the center. The boy skidded across the loose dirt, missing the marked trunk by mere centimeters as he dove into the underbrush for cover.
The Curse—a grotesque, frenzied mass hot on his heels—wasn't so cautious. Blinded by its predatory instinct, the creature charged straight into the area in front of the red cross. A sharp metallic *click* cut through the air.
Watching from a safe distance, Rémy smirked with satisfaction. He had purchased meters of industrial-grade braided steel cable and a pulley system with high-tension motors —the kind used to tow heavy vehicles— anchoring them strategically to the surrounding trunks.
The instant the Curse snapped the tripwire hidden at ground level, the mechanism released. Four hideous steel loops shot out from the leaf litter and snapped shut like talons around the creature's limbs, pinning its arms and legs in a suffocating grip. Before the monster could let out even a single grunt of confusion, the pulleys jerked into action. The whir of motors drowned out the sounds of the forest, hauling the cables upward at breakneck speed. The monstrosity was yanked violently off the ground, left suspended in mid-air in an X-shape, as if on a medieval torture rack.
The motors kept turning, demanding ever-increasing tension, pulling relentlessly in four opposing directions. The creature let out a guttural shriek and began to writhe, but the machinery's brute force just kept pulling and pulling.
The sound of tearing muscle fibers began to echo through the trees. The monster's leathery skin stretched to the breaking point, followed by the dull crunch of dislocating bones. With one final, ruthless, simultaneous yank from the four pulleys, the curse's physical resilience reached its limit. The creature's torso split in two with a wet, sickening burst. A grotesque cascade of viscera, dark blood, and fluids spilled heavily onto the ground.
The four severed limbs swung limply from the blood-stained cables as the mechanism finally ground to a halt.
—Perfect— Rémy said, rubbing his hands together.
A degenerate grin —revealing teeth that, at that moment, looked sharper than a shark's— spread across his face, while his two summoned characters gazed at the scene with growing revulsion.
Even Cartman, accustomed to witnessing all manner of grotesque sights, couldn't stop the bile from rising in his throat. None of that mattered to Rémy. That thing was neither human nor animal, nor any form of life worthy of even the slightest shred of compassion. This confirmed, once again, that as long as an object was purchased from the system shop or summoned by him, it served as an effective weapon against curses.
Knives, bricks, or even a sufficiently large napkin. Anything within reach could be a weapon. The possibilities that detail opened up were... tantalizing to his imagination.
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—CURSE SUCCESSFULLY ERADICATED—
MISSION STATUS: COMPLETED
TARGET: Grade 4 Curse (Lower Class)
STATUS: Eradication confirmed
PERFORMANCE ANALYSIS: Your strategy is disgusting and disturbing, yet effective. Thanks to your exceptional talent and ingenuity in decision-making, your summoned character (SHINJI IKARI - RANK E) has eliminated a Grade 4 curse.
—REWARDS UNLOCKED—
RESIDUAL ESSENCE EXTRACTION 120 fragments of condensed Cursed Energy have been collected from the target's corpse.
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«Curious. I didn't get any XP this time» Rémy thought.
He glanced over at Eric, who was still noisily emptying his stomach against a tree. Until now, experience had always been a guaranteed reward after every fight.
¿Was it because that sociopathic fatty was the only one in the group with an active growth trait?
—Eh. Whatever. Job's done, boys — Rémy announced, turning away without a shred of remorse. —Time to go after the next one.
"¡He's a sick bastard!" Eric and Shinji thought to themselves.
In a dead-end alley, a giant centipede-like curse was cornered against a false wall. Rémy had spent a mere twenty-five credits in total: two sheets of plywood, shoddy hinges, and two kilos of rusty industrial nails. With a simple nudge to a spring mechanism held taut by cheap rope, the side walls slammed shut toward the center. The sound of splintering wood mingled with the crunch of the curse being pierced and crushed like a tomato in a hydraulic press. The "budget Iron Maiden" worked perfectly.
Three streets away, the target was a bulbous creature hanging from the ceiling of an abandoned shed. This time, the operation cost a mere fifteen credits: a practice bow, a hollow-tipped arrow, an old rag, and a bottle of unbranded flammable liquid. Rémy helped steady the bow for Shinji, who couldn't stop trembling as he took aim. Beside him, Cartman let out a manic laugh and lit the rag with a one-credit lighter. The flaming arrow streaked through the night and struck the creature, turning it into a wailing torch that illuminated the entire street until it burned down to ash.
To catch a small but incredibly fast curse hiding in Miss Nadeshiko's garden, Rémy didn't even use conventional weapons. He bought two hundred wooden mousetraps for fifty credits and scattered them across the ground, covering them with a cheap tarp. The moment the creature landed on the trap, the din of a hundred metal springs snapping shut at once echoed through the air. While the curse shrieked hysterically on the ground —immobilized by dozens of mousetraps clamped onto its multiple eyes and limbs— Rémy simply summoned a solid ten-credit concrete block ten meters above it. The impact kicked up a cloud of dust and stained the asphalt with purple blood. A surefire classic.
In an empty parking lot, Rémy bought nine credits' worth of industrial adhesive tape, two second-hand pedestal fans, and a sack of flour. He fashioned a tape funnel to channel the curse toward a precise spot. When it arrived, the fans roared to life at full power, blasting a cloud of flour so dense that the creature was left blinded and coughing. Then, without ceremony, Rémy tossed a match at it. The suspended flour did the rest. The explosion was small, but sufficient.
As he checked his floating interface, Rémy couldn't wipe that unsettling smile off his face. Each trap cost him a mere fraction, pennies, really, of absolute scrap-grade gear from the System store. In return, the interface spat out hundreds upon hundreds of credits as a reward for every confirmed kill.
The notifications kept pouring in. At some point, Rémy completely forgot his original objective. The very reason he had started this whole thing. All that remained was a sense of immense relief.
He had spent so much time worrying about these monsters... only to discover, in the end, that they were nothing more than loose change waiting to be collected.
Hours later, the piled-up corpses of several curses illuminated the darkness of the night as they burned. Standing before the blaze, Rémy took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the sweet scent of victory.
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—DIGITAL WALLET—
Current credits: 150,000
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Put simply, Utahime Iori was worried. A sorcerer's job boiled down, essentially, to ensuring the lives of ordinary citizens remained undisturbed. And, by extension, eliminating any threats that endangered those innocent lives.
Achieving this required an intelligence network capable of keeping an eye and hundreds of ears on every possible location. She was exceptionally skilled at gathering such information without breaking a sweat, thanks to years of experience surviving near-death situations and enduring conversations with idiotic colleagues.
It was precisely that instinct that made her pause to analyze a number of rumors that had begun to circulate. Spread out before her were photographs taken through windows in the dead of night, videos showing a massive dark dome at two different locations, weather patterns suddenly going haywire, and a host of theories —concocted by everyone from teenagers to the elderly— scribbled in a logbook alongside the data. The evidence came from Wazuka, a place with centuries of history, known worldwide as "the tea village."
The identity of the culprit behind these strange events. while not exactly a mystery, remained rather ambiguous. In fact, the question was no longer "¿What was that?" but rather "¿How many were there?"
According to the documents she had requested, no student or professional from the sorcery school had been dispatched to investigate or exorcise any curses.
¿A dispute between independent sorcerers and curses that had spiraled out of control? Impossible. Veils cannot be photographed. Not even if the person who deployed them wanted to expose them to the world. Without a doubt, the mere existence of those images was reason enough to justify a trip to the village to examine the situation firsthand.
She rose early that day, got ready, dragged two of her students along (without much input from them), and together they hurried to catch the train. The scent of damp earth and roasted tea leaves filled the crisp morning air.
Wazuka greeted them with a landscape that looked like something out of an old postcard: rolling hills covered in endless emerald terraces, resembling green waves frozen in time. Thick morning mist still clung to the base of the mountains, snaking its way through the crops.
The village streets were narrow, flanked by traditional houses featuring dark wood and clay-tiled roofs. As they had observed, the locals embodied the very definition of ordinary life. Elderly residents and farmers walked toward the fields, nodding politely but avoiding lingering gazes at the three strangers for any longer than strictly necessary. There was an atmosphere of routines forged over years of people who, out of sheer survival instinct, preferred to keep their eyes fixed on their work rather than seek answers in the shadows of the alleyways.
—I didn't like the idea at first, but...— Mai Zenin took a deep breath. —It's not so bad.
Beside her, Momo Nishimiya nodded in agreement. After dropping off their luggage at the cheapest inn they could find, the trio set out to investigate the area immediately. As expected, Momo handled the aerial reconnaissance; she hovered over the streets on her broomstick at a discreet altitude to avoid drawing attention, scanning for anything unusual while maintaining constant contact with her companions.
Utahime and Mai took separate paths. Each visited one of the two locations where that sphere —eerily similar to a Domain, yet possessing a distinction none of the three could quite pinpoint— had appeared. At both the school and the village square, aside from some minor structural damage that had recently been repaired, there were no traces of residual cursed energy or clues regarding the culprit, so they decided to question nearby passersby.
To no one's surprise, every single answer boiled down to the electrical failures caused by the strange purple storms, or gossip about the near-heart attack the school janitor suffered the night the dome appeared.
When they tracked the man down and questioned him that afternoon, he spouted a load of nonsense and tall tales about how he had summoned the power of a god while drunk.
—Thanks for your help —Utahime murmured, letting out a sigh of genuine weariness.
She was about to leave and write off the absurd interview as a waste of time when the janitor clicked his tongue and stopped her, rubbing his chin.
—Now that I think about it... I could swear I saw Rémy and his obese cousin that night. Whatever you two are trying to do, I'm sure he can help you.
Utahime raised an eyebrow. —¿Rémy? —the sorceress repeated.
—Oh, right, I forgot you aren't from around here — the janitor replied. He let out a raspy laugh before taking another swig of his beer. —The principal gave him a copy of the school key a couple of years ago. He did it just in case we ever needed his help with a short circuit, or for any repairs that would normally cost us a fortune if we called a technician.
«¿Why on earth would anyone do that?» Utahime wondered.
Unaware of the sorceress's skepticism, the caretaker went on to tell her how Rémy, despite his youth, could fix anything from the mayor's old tractor to the entire town's electrical grid.
He spoke of the previous winter. The school's main boiler had completely failed. There wasn't enough money in the budget to bring in a team of engineers from the city, so Rémy went down to the basement with a toolbox, some scrap metal from the dump, and a few copper pipes. In three hours, he not only rebuilt the thermal pressure system from scratch but also cut the building's electricity consumption in half. —Don't tell the police about that — the old man whispered.
—¡And that's not all!— the caretaker insisted, taking another swig of his beer. —When the town square's water pumping system failed due to the rains, the government folks said it would take weeks to fix. The lad went down into the drains, designed a hydraulic bypass with pressure valves he welded himself that very afternoon, and solved the problem for good. There isn't a machine, engine, or circuit that boy doesn't understand at a glance. If you gave him a wrecked engine, he'd hand it back to you good as new before dinner.
Utahime simply nodded, maintaining her composure out of sheer courtesy. Amidst that sea of far-fetched anecdotes, the only thing that mattered to her was memorizing the boy's exact address. In the midst of such a storm of doubts and dead ends, a single loose thread —however insignificant it might seem— remained her only solid lead.
—Oh, I need to ask him to fix the security cameras...
the caretaker muttered behind Utahime, just as she was starting to walk away.
As they walked toward the boy's house, Mai scanned the various homes and alleyways with a look of obvious discomfort. —It's been hours... and so far, I haven't seen a single curse— she remarked aloud, frowning —Not even a Grade 4 lurking near the trash cans. This place is too clean.
Utahime nodded in agreement. Claiming there were no curses in this town was as absurd as insisting a mansion was completely free of vermin without a single cat prowling the halls. Even the air felt fresher. Not just in the sense of being free from the toxins of cars and big cities; it felt genuinely "cleaner."
That strange heaviness that usually hangs around places infested with spirits, a pressure all sorcerers were so accustomed to that they barely noticed it anymore, simply didn't exist here.
—We need to hurry — Utahime said aloud. —Whatever is happening here isn't normal. We have to deal with this as soon as possible. Though I doubt it will take us more than a couple of days, at most.
However, before she could take another step, a sudden, heavy humming sound erupted in the air. Barely a second later, on the other side of town, a massive dark dome rose toward the sky, swallowing the sunlight in a matter of seconds. Thunder rumbled, and the weather went haywire. Just as the reports had described.
Utahime froze mid-sentence, staring at the enormous dome that had just appeared in broad daylight. Mai blinked slowly, turned her face toward her teacher, and raised an eyebrow.
— ¿Were you saying something about finishing early, Utahime-sensei?
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— SYSTEM INTERFACE START —
GROUP TABS: [ REMY] [ SHINJI IKARI] [ ERIC CARTMAN]
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Name: Rémy Maître
World of Origin: Jujutsu Kaisen (Formerly Earth)
Type: THE OPERATOR (Supposedly) / Reincarnated
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—INVENTORY—
[ Newt Scamander's Briefcase]
[ Eye of Discretion (Butters variant)]
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—STATUS AND ACTIVE EFFECTS—
1. Jusenkyo Curse
Type: Transformation Curse / Biological Alteration Permanent
Effect: Upon contact with cold water, your body immediately changes to the female sex. Pouring hot water over yourself reverses the transformation.
2. THE SECRET KRABBY PATTY FORMULA
Type: Arcane Knowledge / Forbidden Gastronomy
Effect: Allows the user to cook a burger with addictive properties and mild healing effects. Anyone who consumes it enters a state of absolute happiness, ignoring any recent trauma (including identity crises or physical transformations).
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—ATTRIBUTE PANEL—
Each character's level and limits depend on their persona, history, and base abilities at the moment of summoning.
STRENGTH: [LOCKED] - Requires lifting something heavier than excuses and complaints.
STAMINA: 4/????
AGILITY: 7/????
INTELLIGENCE: 200/???? - ¡¿I...is this a mistake?!
CHARISMA: 11/????
LUCK: -350/????
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Name: SHINJI IKARI
Rank: E
World of Origin: Evangelion
Type: Dimensional Entity / Character
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—MENTAL STATE PANEL—
WILLPOWER LEVEL: Critically low.
ACCUMULATED STRESS: 99% (Imminent risk of existential collapse).
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—ACTIVE ATTRIBUTES AND EFFECTS—
1. Anvil Magnet (Looney Tunes)
Type: Probability Alteration · Passive
Permanent Effect: Randomly activates a vertical attraction field that draws in comically large and heavy objects.
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—ATTRIBUTE PANEL—
STRENGTH: 2 / 10
STAMINA: 3 / 10
AGILITY: 2 / 10
INTELLIGENCE: 6 / 10
CHARISMA: 1 / 10
LUCK: 6 / 10
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Name: ERIC CARTMAN
Type: Dimensional entity / Character
Rank: E
World of Origin: South Park
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—MENTAL STATE PANEL—
SOCIOPATHY LEVEL: Completely stable (Dangerously high).
EMPATHY: 0 (No traces of compassion detected).
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—PASSIVE AND ACTIVE TRAITS—
1. Steel Skin, Crystal Nerves
Rank: B
Effect: Physical durability +23%
Penalty: Volume of audible complaints +16%
2. Caloric Motivation
Rank: B
Effect: Grants +25% Strength and attack speed for 3 minutes for every bite of high-quality food consumed during combat.
Penalty: If more than 8 hours pass without premium food intake, complaint volume increases by +50%, and there is a 10% chance of attempting to bite the operator.
3. Adaptive Configuration Strength
Type: Evolutionary · Variable Initial
Rank: B
Effect: Allows the bearer to surpass their biological limits. The outcome depends entirely on the selected training method.
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— ATTRIBUTE PANEL —
STRENGTH: 20 /????
STAMINA: 400/????
AGILITY: 2 /????
INTELLIGENCE: 10 / ????
CHARISMA: -8 /10
LUCK: 6 /10
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