Where am I? What am I? Who am I? Question and questions. Silence and silences. There is no answer.
I am stuck in the darkness.
This is my thought.
I remember something.
Something that happened in the past.
Or was it the future?
How does this make sense?
Sometimes, things happen.
I am a human that has an identity… or had one before someone—something stripped me of it.
How long was it? When did I last feel joy? Heart thumping, eyes sparkling, and my feet bouncing. I couldn't recall the memory.
But I can feel how it was back then.
"Are you lonely?"
Says a voice behind my head.
I am extremely… alone. I was thrown into a world I don't belong in. Was given a purpose I never chose. Was forced to care about people I never loved.
No one in their right mind should be happy about it.
"I'll miss you."
I missed you.
Though I don't know who you are. Maybe you don't actually exist. Maybe you're just one part of my hallucination.
"The quick brown fox…"
Jumps over the lazy dog.
The words for you to discern whether I reside in the body or not.
"You promised?"
I do.
I will be back.
So stay.
I won't be long.
I promise.
Or so I have promised you.
And then proceeds to break it as if you do not matter anymore. I can only imagine how discarded you feel. I can only feel bad for you for trusting a person like me.
I never meant to lie.
But my reason won't matter because the fact of the matter is, I didn't fulfill what I said. What we expected from me.
"I will be waiting… even if it takes eternity."
Even if it takes eternity… how long have you been waiting?
It has been too long, my friend. The feeling you harbored for me once might have grown into hatred.
I'm afraid when I go and see you again, you'd smash my head with that hard knuckle of yours. You'd strangle me with that white hair of yours. And you'd… we'd probably kiss with tears streaming down our eyes.
If I… who went into millions of changes every time, still hold onto this feeling for you, how is a girl who never changes fair?
You have never given up.
How'd I know that?
I saw it… Your eyes were watching me back then. I saw how it was a hope. Almost a prayer. That I, this time, turn out to be the one whom you were promised.
I'm almost there, almost back.
I just have to snap out of this first.
And I can't do it alone since I was far too deep into the abyss.
I have to call for help.
Anybody.
Save me.
I have to go back into that world.
I have to go and fulfill what I promised.
Anyone…
And I fall in deeper… and deeper… my feet are floating, my head is bloating… and deeper… my voice swallowed, my vision drowned… and deeper…
And… deeper…
Smack.
And no more.
Pain.
On my cheek.
It was warm enough to restore my sense of reality.
Painful enough… to make me feel like a human being. A creature who does everything to avoid pain.
My face hurt, and I almost cried. But I can't. The well of tears in my body has dried up. Someone who I know likes to suck them up, leaving none of it anymore.
Who was it who did so?
I was still sitting on the bench, and the person beside me had dark green eyes.
And not the pink I am comfortable with.
This woman… watches my face for a long time. Her lips are heavy with words. Maybe she wants to explain why she slapped me… if she was the one who did that.
But I can't see anyone else here but us.
"Don't… don't make me say sorry," she blurts out. "You asked for it."
Oh yeah… I was falling into a pit. And now I'm back up here.
"Thank you."
And she acted surprised. And then it slowly expresses changes into something more sad. Her eyes avert. "You are in some tough shit, too, huh?"
That question wasn't for me. It was more for her. So I say nothing to it.
We stay in silence for a while… giving me some time to adjust back to reality.
I am still in the place where I comforted Sohee. Who is not anymore and switched places with an older, angrier version of her friend Nelly. But this Nelly smells of tobacco. And this Nelly looks… unhuggable.
Was Sohee ever here? Or was it all in my head?
Did I make it all up?
I wouldn't know unless I ask the other person.
But let's just be quiet for… just another minute.
Just a while, let me feel nothing, think nothing, remember nothing.
Let me be in peace.
Just for a moment.