We are still wandering around outside the building, trying to find the place. What can be said is the right one to stop? Maybe one with fewer eyes, less noise… maybe a place that can only be entered by the two of us.
But that kind of place couldn't exist. We'd both be walking until our feet turn into dust.
I should tell Sohee this.
"Sohee…"
"..."
"Sohee?"
She doesn't reply. Her feet keep moving.
I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me. I think she just lost herself in her own thoughts. Out of reality.
That I can understand.
Sometimes, I'd do the same.
No, maybe not sometimes. I do that every time, every minute.
Unwillingly.
Anyway, I'll keep following Sohee for now. I hope she knows where we're going.
Then, after what feels like a thousand years, we stop.
A sole wooden bench in front of us. Some dried leaves are resting on it. Sohee sits on them.
I also sit beside her, looking around as I do so. Wind blowing, trees rustling, and only Sohee's perfume fills the air. Sohee has found it. The place that helps.
All it took was a million years. Or a thousand… or a few minutes. I'm not sure anymore.
The sky is cloudy… and a little grey. I wonder about my sneakers that Lily is wearing? Will they get wet if it rains so suddenly?
My mind starts to wander somewhere else…
But I should attend to the girl next to me, who is hurt physically and mentally. I have to take "care of her. Are you okay, Sohee?"
Ah, I accidentally said something out of my thoughts. I've been making this mistake lately; I should try to fix that. Thankfully, though, Sohee failed to catch anything wrong with what I said.
And, my tongue tasted bitter after asking her that question. One that you feel after lying about something.
This time, Sohee heard my voice.
She uses her uniform sleeve to wipe her little tears. Then frowns, looking at it getting wet.
She probably regretted doing that because, if I have to guess, she finds it wrong to use her school uniform as a handkerchief.
Her head turns around, searching for her bag instead. Maybe she brings something to wipe her face with.
But the bag is not here.
She dropped it in front of Nelly's.
Oh, don't blame yourself for that, Sohee. If anyone is to blame, it should have been me.
I take a look at her arm.
And she can feel my gaze
"Sunbae, it is okay. It hurt a lot less now."
"What about you, though?"
"My… arm?"
"You."
"Oh."
She gets it.
I'm not talking about something that can be healed after a couple of weeks.
I can see her throat gulping. The pink eyes avoid my face that she loves very much, and instead stares at the neat grass and dirt—
Not bad, this dirt looks kind of fun to be underneath. The grass could be a lot healthier if it could drain nutrients from my body. I can see why you like to keep staring at them now, Sohee.
"Nelly doesn't know what she was doing. I didn't, either. That's why we both got hurt. But this… I can handle," Sohee starts, now her chin dips deeper toward her chest, "But Nelly might not."
She is more worried about her friend now.
"I don't think…." she bites her tongue as if afraid to say it.
Don't worry, Sohee, take your time. I have endless time to spend anyway.
"This is all my fault. I should have known she'd react this way."
As I said, it's me who should be blamed. You two are good friends, and then I come in. You who clearly likes me way too much, and she who can't stay in a room with me for longer than a few hours.
"I'm the adult here, you know," my mouth and tongue start moving, "I should have thought of this, not you."
"But Sunbae, you didn't do anything."
I did nothing. Nothing to help you at that. That's why it's my fault. If I start to justify this mistake and blame it on you… I might be more than a piece of shit than I already am now.
Not to mention, I was sent here to help them, not make it worse (which is happening now). I am like a Messiah. But not in the Jesus way. I do evil sometimes.
I should take this as a lesson. That I should stop being so passive.
And actually start to influence the way all of them live. Which was said to be wrong and needed a fix. Not my words, but Who Send Me Here.
But Sohee can't accept that I'm just a flawed human being, so she shakes her head.
The wind passes once again, but this time it takes words out of our mouths, leaving us speechless for a while. If there's anything Sohee wants to tell me, it's already gone. Same to me for her.
Then, pink.
We make eye contact.
"Sunbae, I… can't ask for a better friend than you." She smiles.
She looks a lot better than before we came here. That's good.
"I have to be a better friend to Nelly," she continues, "I have to fix this."
The image of a girl in a blanket hiding behind a door passes through my mind.
I have no idea how to fix someone's trauma. But maybe that's why I was given a million retries. Maybe if I keep trying, I'd suddenly become a rapist—wait, no, therapist. A therapist, someone who is more qualified than I currently am.
But that's for the future. It wouldn't happen now.
Now what matters is to get Sohee back on her feet.
So she can be a bridge between Nelly and me to start something.
–-Hah, that's some wish that you got!
Why? You don't think it's possible?
Cause I think it is.
Everyone changes.
The human you met twenty years ago won't be the same guy you meet now.
I learn that through myself.
I was never the same… for a long… long time, I have changed… many times.