Hmm... Where to begin?
Well, as soon as I entered that door... God, what a mess. It was like looking into my room during puberty. Although, no, it was even cleaner back then, perhaps.
"Need to kill someone in ten minutes?" I pondered.
They told me to kill a monster, but there wasn't a soul around. And then I felt a heaviness in the area of my... well, you know. At first, I thought it was a "reaction," but no.
"Fou!"
Ah. It was Fluffy. I don't know when he managed to latch onto me, but he was clinging to my pant leg with a death grip. Such a cutie. Listen, can I take him with me when we go back? Huh? Well, okay, that's not the point.
"My sweet Fluffy wanted to stay with brother Wade so much?"
I petted him, and then a brilliant idea struck me.
"Since you're here, help me out. I need to kill a monster in ten minutes, can you tell me where to find it?"
Fluffy seemed to understand me and began insistently shouting his name, which sounded like the number four. Smart little guy, he found my target by scent. Listen, is he neutered?
"Fou!"
Time was running out, so there was no time to delay. Fortunately, Fluffy discovered the prey somewhere nearby and rushed forward with a cry. I followed him.
"Eight minutes left! I'll finish in three, and spend the remaining five sightseeing!" I shouted.
And you know what?
It was simply incredible.
"Oh, Wade. You've arrived. I like that you show up without unnecessary invitations."
This monster knew me. Astonishing. But for a monster, she looked... peculiar. That is, her figure... ahem-ahem. In short, a very sexy lady stood before me. A cloak was thrown over her shoulders, and instead of a face, there was a bare skull.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"What? You forgot..." She stopped. "Oh. I see. It seems you're not 'that' Deadpool."
She clearly understood me. And when I heard about "that Deadpool," everything clicked in my head. Although I guessed it back when a text bubble suddenly appeared above her head.
"Fou! Fou!"
"Oh-ho. You brought a dangerous creature with you. However, it seems he's only here as a spectator. The Deadpool from 'that' reality, what brought you here?"
I had a mountain of questions, but due to lack of time, I only asked five.
Her name is Lady Death. She said she's a cosmic entity responsible for... well, for death. — ...psst, secret: she seems to know that old hag. She said she doesn't want to die, so Death became curious, so she's visiting her...
And she was waiting for Deadpool. But not "me," but "that one." For the record: I am now "this Deadpool."
In short, when I realized that the monster Scáthach told me to kill was actually a cosmic entity, I was a little taken aback. I'm a psycho, of course, but I'd never met a cosmic entity in person... I haven't even crossed paths with Dormammu yet...
"Kill me? Who? Scáthach?" She laughed. "Ho-ho-ho. What a joke. But if she meant that we need to meet, then she hit the nail on the head."
While I was rambling and pouring out my heart, she listened attentively. And then she came closer. Very languidly. Oh, Vanessa, I'm sorry! My love, I'm only yours, remember that!
"Oh, don't worry. This is not infidelity. Although, I must admit, this Land of Shadows is quite a place for sin. Your Spiritual Origin is damaged due to the collision of two curses, right?"
After all, a cosmic entity only needs one glance. At some point, she pressed herself against me. It seems I liked her, but the question is: did she fall in love with "me" or just "Deadpool"? And then Death told me...
"What do you want?"
Suddenly, Deadpool fell silent, lost in thought. Then he adopted a dignified demeanor, cleared his throat, and said:
"No. I can't talk about this."
"Why not? Please continue," Ritsuka asked.
He was incredibly curious: about Death, about other worlds, and about another Deadpool. Although, perhaps it's better not to know about such things?
"Mr. Pool, please finish! How did you get rid of the curse?"
Mash didn't lag behind either, but Deadpool was adamant.
"I can't. This story is rated 0+, so I can't. If I continue, we'll have to re-evaluate the age rating... In short, forget it. The main thing is that the curse is lifted. The result is important, not the process, right?"
Apparently, there were reasons to keep it a secret.
But regardless, Deadpool was indeed freed from Cú Chulainn Alter's spear curse. Now he had regained his former strength and was ready to help Geronimo with the assassination plan.
"Well, shall we go? Let's move!"
Fearing that he would be further questioned about the details of his stay in the Land of Shadows, Deadpool hurried to the scene of the operation. Ritsuka and Mash, though burning with curiosity, understood that now was not the time – the war would not wait.
Leaving Li Shuwen and Scáthach to settle their differences in a duel, Ritsuka's group headed straight for the battlefield where the American mechanized corps and the Celtic army clashed.
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For those who are still eager to know.
Nothing like that happened. We just kissed. What did you think? That I, like in some cheap romance novel, would be rolling around with her and making love?
And this with Vanessa alive? A guy from the comics might have done that, but I'm Deadpool from the movies! I'm different! Although... I'm always happy to see men.
I'm for equality. Killing, seducing, or saving – I treat everyone the same, regardless of gender.
What? You say if it was just a kiss, the rating wouldn't go up and you could have told those two?
Oh, you simpleton! You still haven't understood what I meant?!
If you see this text, quickly cut along the line and burn it.
============================ CUT LINE ============================
On the fifth day, as agreed with Geronimo, in the eastern part of the northern forest, they discovered the positions of the mechanized corps and the Celts.
"Does everyone remember the plan?"
"Yes, Senpai."
"Shoot, hit, kill. It couldn't be simpler," Deadpool replied.
Mash, Deadpool, Nightingale, and Saber Alter readied their weapons.
"Operation begins!"
On Ritsuka's command, his Servants rushed into the thick of the battle.
"Hey, you little brats! Behold the great Grand Deadpool! Tremble before Lord Deadpool! This is the power of a limited six-star Servant!"
The curse had indeed vanished. Deadpool, as if releasing pent-up anger, raced across the battlefield, showering enemies with lead from submachine guns. When the bullets ran out, he drew his swords and began chopping up the Celts like vegetables for kebab.
Ritsuka's Servants did not forget the main task: they needed to provoke the Celtic army as much as possible to lure out their Servants. The primary target was the Mad King Cú Chulainn, who guarded Queen Medb.
"Sterilization!"
Nightingale made a sharp swipe with her gloved hand, and the skin of the Celtic warriors began to burst and split at the seams.
Saber Alter, covering the rear, twirled in an elegant and deadly dance, mercilessly exterminating the foolish Celtic herd that dared to attack her.
"Guys! If your plan is to be believed, then everything is going as it should. Two Servants have been detected from the Celtic side."
Romani, already knowing what Ritsuka had to do, transmitted the coordinates, and soon familiar figures appeared among the ranks of the Celtic army.
"There you are, my destined one!" Finn Mac Cumhaill exclaimed. "Today we will finally settle this."
"Yes, my lord," Diarmuid replied. "I, the first lancer of the Fianna order, will do my best to protect you."
It was Finn Mac Cumhaill and Diarmuid. As Finn had promised earlier, he announced loudly on the battlefield that if he defeated Mash, he would propose to her and they would get married.
"Oh, darling," Deadpool chimed in. "Why shout so loud for everyone to hear? We'll still ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after."
Mash blushed deeply and couldn't lift her eyes, but Deadpool, squinting, provocatively wiggled his rear towards Finn.
"I haven't forgotten you either!" Finn dismounted and took a stance. "Fine. Before I face her, I'll deal with you!"
"This will be a fair one-on-one duel. Any objections?"
As befits a true knight, he craved a worthy battle. However, Deadpool, taking a combat stance next to Nightingale, replied:
"Yes. Let's have a team battle, 'two on two'. Isn't that much more fun?"
Since the 'two on two' battle still boiled down to two parallel duels, Finn accepted the challenge. He readjusted his spear, demonstrating the power and majesty of the Fianna order along with Diarmuid.
"Oh, your team is called 'Knights of Fianna'? Then we are..." Deadpool and Nightingale stood shoulder to shoulder, crossing their arms over their chests. "...'Super X-Force'!"
Nightingale, who clearly didn't like this name, suddenly punched her partner.
"Too tasteless. It seems your sense of style is infected and needs to be amputated. I will open your skull and remove your cerebral cortex."
The team began to fall apart from the very first second.
Suddenly, a huge wrestling ring appeared between the opponents as if from nowhere. It seemed as if thousands of spectators were raging around, waving banners and shouting greetings.
"I don't know what kind of tricks these are, but if it helps me crush you, I accept the challenge as a knight!" Finn shouted and jumped into the ring.
Deadpool followed him, and utter madness began on the battlefield. A gong sounded, marking the start of the round.
"Go to the other world!" Finn's spear shot towards the target like lightning, but Deadpool, having regained his former strength, easily dodged. Sensing that his opponent had become faster, Finn went on the offensive: a lunge, another, a wide swing. He used the inertia of the ropes to gain speed.
But Deadpool didn't miss a single blow.
"Finally, you're getting serious. That's worthy of respect." Finn Mac Cumhal changed his stance.
Lowering his spear and concentrating his magical energy, he summoned a vortex of spray.
"I'll show you the full power of the knights of Fiana! And my resolve for my future wife!"
Water currents in a giant column surrounded Finn. Standing in the very center of the raging element, he roared:
"Invincible Crimson Spear...
"Mac an Luin!"
All the power of water gathered at the tip of the spear, compressing to the limit. And then a thin, but incredibly piercing stream burst out, like a laser beam. The Noble Phantasm pierced Deadpool's heart through and through.
"I won!" Finn was confident of victory. The shot under monstrous pressure left a gaping hole in the mercenary's chest, and he collapsed onto the deck. Now, having dealt with him, Finn intended to defeat Mash and finally obtain her.
"Master! Not yet!" Diarmuid shouted, watching the situation from outside the ring.
Finn looked in astonishment as Deadpool got to his feet, despite a direct hit to the heart.
"Impossible! My Phantasm hit the target!"
"You're bold. I like that. Alright, I'll give you my 'daughter'! But only if you can take me down!" Deadpool, as if feeling no pain, carelessly brushed off the healing wound on his chest. Adopting the pose of a stern father-in-law, he announced:
"Now it's my turn."
Deadpool rapidly closed the distance. It's inconvenient for a spearman to fight up close – he can't swing properly. Without using swords or pistols, Deadpool slammed his fist into Finn's face.
In regular wrestling, the blows are only simulated, but this was no entertainment show.
"Deadpool lands a blow to the jaw! And here it is! 'People's Fist'!"
A blow, another. Then Deadpool triumphantly raised his hand to the sky and delivered a third, crushing blow.
Stunned, Finn tried to intercept the spear, but the mercenary was faster again.
"Bounce off the ropes, technical dodge... and 'Dead Man's Clothesline'!"
Using the recoil from the ropes, Deadpool put all his strength into a forearm strike, aiming for Finn's throat. The blow landed precisely on the carotid artery, and the knight's eyes darkened.
"Yeah-ah! Hear that? Smell that?! That's Deadpool preparing a surprise for you!"
While the defeated Finn tried to recover, Deadpool shouted his catchphrase. And although the battle between mechs and Celts was still raging around them, suddenly the roar of a crowd of thousands was heard, and flashes of cameras illuminated the ring.
Deadpool removed the elbow pad that had appeared on his left arm from who knows where, pushed off the ropes, and slammed his elbow down on Finn's neck.
"Let's get this party started! Signature move! 'People's Elbow'!"
Whether it was from this blow or from hearing Diarmuid's encouragement, Finn, staggering, got up, leaning on his spear like a cane. But Deadpool had already crept up behind him, anticipating the finale.
As soon as Finn turned around, the mercenary grabbed him by the neck, yanked him up, and slammed him into the ring with all his might.
"Attention! The finisher! 'Pool Bottom'!"
From this final move, the imaginary stands erupted in a triumphant roar. Ritsuka, watching this absurdity with wide eyes, exhaled in shock:
"Wow! A perfect side slam!"