Damn Francis… I fell for his promise to give me the ship, got involved with that vile "brother," started a mutiny, and barely got the ship – only to be immediately screwed over.
And this happened for three hours. Three damn hours! I was captain for only three hours before this octopus-headed… No, not an octopus. Whatever! Davy Jones unceremoniously grabbed me, and while I was begging for mercy, these "sailors for three hours" betrayed me a second time.
That's it, I'm done. I'm never going back to being a pirate.
No, seriously! I never thought people here betrayed as naturally as they breathe!
"So, you guys, who are reading this, liking and commenting – don't even dream of piracy. It's better to say: 'And then I decided to become a gangster!' at least that's more honest…"
"Shut up!"
Deadpool was hanging upside down, tied to the mainmast of the "Flying Dutchman." As soon as he started pouring out his soul, the bloated zombie pirate kicked him in the face.
"Oh, buddy, your paws are so soft that I didn't feel anything at all. Listen, since you started – kick me again, okay? It feels so pleasant, like being pressed into a pillow."
"With pleasure!"
But this time, it wasn't a foot that landed, but a fist. And not in the face, but right in the "most sacred place" between his legs.
"Aaaah! My balls! Even when Vanessa and I were tumbling for a whole day, they didn't get this much of a beating… O-o-oh!"
Apparently, finally tired of Deadpool's chatter, the zombie snorted and disappeared into the hold.
"I need to somehow… get out and meet the kid… Damn! They know how to tie knots, the bastards."
If he had something sharp at hand, it would have gone faster, but the pair of swords on his back were useless in this position. However, luck always smiled at the most inconvenient moments.
"Fou. Fou!"
Hearing the familiar cry, Deadpool twisted his head and saw Fou upside down. Or rather, Wade himself was hanging upside down, but Fou, during their "dramatic" meeting, started diligently licking his face.
"Fluffy! My sweetie. You're so timely! Come on, untie me quickly."
"Fou! Fo, fou. Kyu-u-u, kyu-u-u."
Instead of gnawing at the ropes, Fou started calling someone else.
"Shh! Quiet, you ball of fur! Do you want to wake everyone up?! Untie me already!"
Unfortunately, a dark silhouette appeared from the sea fog that enveloped the deck. Deadpool prayed it wasn't that swollen zombie.
"Don't be afraid. I'm not your enemy."
A very young zombie pirate stood before him. He looked almost alive, with no signs of decomposition – clearly a newcomer to this undead gang.
Stroking Fou, he began to untie the ropes. Deadpool, puzzled by the sudden appearance of an ally, squinted suspiciously.
"Are you one of the traitors too? Or just a sympathizer? Look, I'm not paying for this."
"Sh-sh-sh! Explanations later. Follow me…"
Following the young dead man, they reached the stern, where a life raft was hanging.
"Did Davy Jones send you?"
"Shh! My name is Jack. They call me Dumb Jack around here."
The name "Jack" made Deadpool wary. Remembering something, he addressed the void directly:
"Listen, this is too much. In the last chapter, you whined that I was parodying specific franchises, and now – Dumb Jack? Seriously? Why not Jack Sparr… I mean, Sparrow? They'll sue you, you idiots!"
Jack, watching the red pirate curse at empty space, regretted freeing him for a moment. But it was too late to back down.
"You said you were heading to the island? I need to go there too. If you give me a ride, I won't be in your debt."
Deadpool, with a displeased look, showed the shackles on his wrists and neck.
"Oh, the reward will help you get rid of those."
"Hmm-mm…"
After two betrayals in a row, Deadpool looked at the world with a considerable dose of skepticism.
"In any case, you won't survive here alive. Since the outcome is the same, why not try your luck one last time?"
Deadpool responded with silent agreement, and Jack continued:
"My condition is simple: I need one treasure of the goddess who lives on that island. Not gold, not jewels. Just one cheap compass."
Deadpool, still wearing his mask of suspicion, extended his hand. Jack shook it. The deal was made.
"If you betray me, your very first ship will be captured by rebels, you'll be eaten by a giant squid, you'll lose your pirate license in the afterlife, and you'll end your days alone, drowning in a barrel of rum."
Jack just shrugged, ignoring this gruesome and suspiciously detailed curse.
They carefully climbed into the raft and began their descent. There was a soft splash, and the boat, leaving the behemoth "Flying Dutchman" behind, glided towards its destination.
"Listen, won't that zombie captain miss us?"
"That guy stays in his cabin until a new victim appears on the horizon. And the crew… they're zombies, incredibly lazy."
As the island's shore drew near, Deadpool felt a strange itch. As if they had crossed an invisible line drawn by a skilled mage.
"It seems the goddess really lives here. The air is practically crackling."
Landing on the shore, they felt a powerful aura emanating from the depths of the dense jungle.
"There's something there."
"It must be the goddess's temple," Jack replied.
They ventured deeper into the thicket. The further they went, the stronger the pressure became, until a primal, blood-chilling bloodlust filled the air.
"Ah, we've arrived."
Before them loomed the entrance to a huge cave. Nearby, a sign hung on a post with inscriptions in an unknown language.
"It's probably some kind of warning. And that means…"
"After you, please," Jack offered.
Deadpool gave him a sideways glance and strode forward. This time, he was determined not to be deceived.
"What an atmosphere here, creepy."
"And they've really twisted this labyrinth. Why is it so convoluted, just like in… Wait a minute."
The casually spoken word gave Deadpool a bad premonition. The sign in the ancient language, the intricate corridors, and that word – "labyrinth."
Suddenly, the ground trembled, and a monstrous roar echoed through the vaults.
"Oh no."
A roar in a labyrinth is a genre classic.
"Run!"
Jack, noticing something huge in the darkness, turned pale and bolted back. But Deadpool didn't even have time to turn around before he was caught in the monster's clutches.
"Intruder… Death…!"
A Minotaur. Half-man, half-bull. However, the beast that grabbed Deadpool looked more like a colossal man, whose legendary status was only betrayed by his huge, majestic horns.
"Damn it, I'm having no luck on this trip at all! Aaaah!"
Without letting him say another word, the Minotaur began to swing Deadpool around like a rag doll. Wade flew from wall to wall, his bones shattering against the ceiling, centrifugal force causing one concussion after another, and his internal organs turning to mush, drenching everything around him in blood.
"Eur… Eurya… don't… touch!"
The Minotaur threw Deadpool's limp body with such force that he broke through the labyrinth wall and flew outside.
"Hey! Red pirate! Are you alive?"
Jack, who, true to his nickname, had been hiding in the bushes behind a boulder the whole time, cautiously called out to the mutilated mercenary.
"Don't… come back… anymore!"
As the Minotaur turned to go back into the labyrinth, several shots rang out. Dozens of bullets embedded themselves in its back.
"Where are you going?! I… I haven't yet… O-o-oh! You're dead!"
Coming to his senses, Deadpool, with a wild cry, reset his broken limbs and jumped to his feet.
"Eurya… don't… touch… I want… to live… in peace."
"And we have business with the goddess here! So be a good boy and escort us to her, you beef-head!"
Deadpool drew his swords and froze in a stance.
The Minotaur roared so loud that the entire island trembled, and charged. The giant halberd in its hands described an arc, descending towards the mercenary's head.
"Slow!"
At the last moment, Deadpool slid between the monster's legs in a low tackle, slashing at its Achilles tendons with his blades.
"U-o-o-a-a-a!! Eurya… I… will protect!"
"What thick skin you have, you oak!"
The cut tendons clearly weren't enough. Deadpool understood: since the enemy was clumsy, he had to wear him down, stinging him little by little.
"Or hit him once, but with all my might!"
Deadpool lunged straight at the Minotaur. Without thinking, it roared furiously and swung its halberd.
Deadpool's arms flew to the side, but this opened up an opportunity, and the mercenary literally stuck to the monster's face.
"I can't see… let go! It's dark!"
While the beast blindly tried to tear him off, Deadpool grinned in anticipation and pulled the fishing line held in his teeth.
"Sleep tight, horned one!"
The pins clicked. A good bunch of grenades hung from Wade's belt. A deafening explosion engulfed both the Minotaur and Deadpool himself.
"Sui… suicide."
Jack, who had been watching this madness, was speechless. This was a battle of monsters he had only heard of in legends before.
"Kha! Pfu! Damn, my back… Just like when Juggernaut ripped me in half. Damn it… Legs, grow back faster!"
Deadpool's torso rolled out of the smoke cloud. Clinging to the ground with his chin, he crawled to his severed legs and joined the edges of the wounds. Then he reattached his arms and stretched with a crunch.
"Fuu-uh. What a problem."
"Uh… Red pirate? Behind you!"
Jack pointed a finger behind him in horror. Deadpool turned with a look of "Are you kidding me? Even as a Servant, seven grenades at point-blank range! How can he still stand?"
"...I... will not... lose..." the Minotaur rasped.
Realizing that brute force wasn't working, Deadpool decided to resort to the "ultimate weapon" that always worked against such brutes.
"Hey, big guy! The sun is setting…"
Deadpool extended his hand affectionately. He approached softly, almost tenderly. The Minotaur, whose scarlet eyes glowed on its black face, froze and slowly extended its huge palm in response.
It was a union of souls. Despite the fact that they had tried to kill each other moments before, an invisible bond had formed between them in the heat of battle. And this bond proclaimed…
"U-o-o-a-a-a!!"
"Huh?"
The massive palm of the Minotaur closed around Deadpool's hand, and the mercenary was slammed into the ground with full force. Once, twice, thrice, four times.
After the fourth blow, Deadpool, lying in a deep crater, could barely breathe through his shattered mask.
"Ouch."
The Minotaur snorted, looked down at him, and sneered:
"Weakling in red…"
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan