" Who am I ??? Where I am ???"
I can see a younger me shrouded in a gray fog . Standing alone like I am lost .... I know I am not alone but it feel so lonely . No words want to come out of my mouth as if my mind is blank. I want to scream out loud but it won't happen. After all I know who I am . Even if I am human one question always come in my mind am I really human, It's not humanity as species it's more of a mental sense. I can understand people and their state of mind emotions but the issue is I failed my self in it. While being lonely the mind is most active for me as if I can feel my emotions again but then it is only sorrow . If life was a game it is like going through all events but skipping all choice . I want to feel as if I belong somewhere but when I see my surroundings then suddenly I start to feel am I really belonging here.....
Well I can't enter conversation. I can't start long conversation .I can't keep someone engaged in conversation for long time. If someone ask me to join the conversation I struggle to keep it going. If someone agrue with me I never reply on the spot because I couldn't think anything to reply on the spot a proper reply will come in my mind when the argument is long gone. It's not that I am having an argument, the point is I struggle though things what others might think trivial matters. For example if I am talking to a friend I try my best to keep the conversation, then one other friend join I try to enter the conversation for little bit of time here and there. Then more friends join and situation become so lively and talketive , not really for me . At that point I can only be a silent spectator , I can't even keep track with their conversation any more.If they leave that place and move away I might be still left there thinking ....
If a single word come back " don't keep standing there" it gives the heart a lot of peace and a ting of belonging.But if others forget about me then , there is nothing for me to do, I am never angry or mad on them for forgetting me.
(With a self deprecating laugh)
" I am so invisible after all."
Real me is simple it struggles ! Struggles through everything.One small recognition is enough to make all the struggle vanish and when I am invisible to everyone the soul drowns in the depth of the ocean of consciousness. Mind begs to distract it , open phone just scroll keep yourself distracted . As if it's the last line that keeps the soul from drowning in the depth of sorrow. My heart feels jealous how easy it is for everyone but It's forgives easily. As if I have a yearing for taking, pouring my heart out but to whom ? And how ? ...
As if deep hidden regrets and sorrow keeping it bound it don't want to make any mistake again. As if I am scared of imperfectness . If one imperfection makes me late in class then deep consciousness would never allow me to be late again even if it means skipping breakfast doesn't caring about my self just one goal "being on time" to it's most perfect form. Working to bones to meet the standards which are made of injustice . If standers say finish the work till tomorrow only thing I can do is finish it till tomorrow it doesn't matter if I am working all night. I don't want to burden anyone after all but end up burdening my self the most . In return heart just wants some appreciation for the work but when it doesn't even get any appreciation and only just tossed to a conveyor belt used for one's then tossed to a junk pile Shatters the moral .
It's the reality of the world after all. If you don't shout out loud and show you work it won't be seen by anybody. If I just shift the prospective the reviewer. He has thousands of workers to review. He doesn't want to waste his precious time to look at any ordinary looking work , he doesn't know or care about the efforts that it took , it's none of his biasness after all. The whole system is flawd or just me ?
(Unknown majestic voice)" The self you cherish the most will suffer the most but you will keep wanting to suffer that self . Because life is about suffering every thing has suffering. You have to find the meaning among them. Cherish small moments of laughter and joy even if it's not important not useful still it is impactful. Life is all suffering when you are blinded with the negativeness that you can't even see the small positiveness hidden everywhere . Every human is different also their personalities are unique . Being your self is the best thing to do . Live life as you wish but maintain the balance of it. Thats all ."
With that voice vanished my soul feels it's radiance. As if it is calmly floating on the surface of my sea of subconsciousness.
Bright shimmering starlight cut through the fog . All thoughts all memories return to the depths of consciousness and my self rise up from it .
" I was about to lose control of myself in the burden of my memories and thoughts that voice saved me ."
" What is this place it's almost like a relam that reflects in the depths of emotion and thoughts I should call it the realm of subconsciousness."
What was that starlight that broke the realm from taking over ???
I noticed the brass ring on my finger was sreemering with starlight . This artifact is actually helping me to stay lucid . I walk forward through the narrow corridor between the two large wall of grey fog. This corridor of starlight guided me out of that realm of consciousness. Lilly's where about were unknown but I know she will also be able to escape she also had a brass ring. I can't search for her in this fog I have to wait for her out of it .