As always, I woke up early at dawn, quickly finished my morning routine alone, and massaged Unohana's limbs to wake her. After spending the morning together, she saw me off as I headed to Squad 4 for work.
I suppressed my body's natural urge to avoid labor, yawning deeply as I made my way in. There, I was greeted by the Squad 4 rank-and-file members and seated officers who hadn't managed to clock out yet.
"Good morning, Captain!"
"Yeah, yeah."
At first, my reputation was shaky because people thought I was just an ignorant figurehead creating unnecessary work. However, once everyone adjusted to the changes, things became more streamlined. Consequently, my approval rating shot through the roof.
I went from being the 'Incompetent and Diligent Captain' to the 'So Competent and Diligent That We'd Prefer He Took a Long Vacation and Didn't Show Up Captain.'
For the record, I heard this directly from the rank-and-file members' own mouths.
Of course, I wasn't creepily eavesdropping. I just happened to overhear them while I was strolling through the courtyard, reviewing documents.
'The new Captain is too good at his job. Work has increased so much I think I'm going to die,' they said.
I was just working without much thought, but hearing that actually felt pretty good.
Isn't the best compliment in a game when the opponent screams, 'You're playing like a total piece of sh*t'?
Thinking about it that way only made me want to work harder.
Sorry, guys. That's just the kind of person I am.
I sat down at my desk in a great mood, breezing through the stack of documents. Just then, Lieutenant Sakurano knocked on the door.
"Captain Shimon. It's Lieutenant Sakurano. May I come in?"
"Yeah, come on in."
The door slid open, and Sakurano entered with a bright greeting and a wide smile.
"You're as industrious as ever today! I should take a page from your book and work even harder!"
"Don't you dare. The kids are already dying just from me being here. If you start getting 'diligent' too, what happens to our subordinates? They need room to breathe."
"To think you even care about the morale and fatigue of the rank-and-file…. Truly, you are a master of captains…!!"
Honestly, she's incredibly competent, but separate from that, I really wish she'd just retire.
She's getting weirder by the day.
...Come to think of it, every decent person I've met lately seems to have some kind of screws loose.
I guess whoever replaces her eventually will be the same.
I let out a heavy sigh as I continued processing documents until someone else knocked.
"I'll get it," Sakurano said.
"Sure."
Sakurano opened the office door. The person standing there wasn't a member of our squad.
I couldn't see their lieutenant's badge because of the door frame, but judging by the Spiritual Pressure that felt like that brat Yamamoto, it was likely a seated officer from Squad 1.
I closed my eyes halfway and listened in, curious about what they had to say.
"There will be a Captains' Meeting at noon today. All Captains are requested to gather at the General Headquarters."
"Understood, 3rd Seat Okikiba. Are there any other messages?"
"No, that is all."
"Very well. Good work."
A Captains' Meeting, huh.... Even if this is just a temporary seat, I guess I have to attend.
But calling a meeting at noon? What kind of bullsh*t is that? Are Captains not human? Do they want us to gather right at lunchtime? I'm going to have to complain about this later.
While I was thinking that, Sakurano approached and repeated the message I had just heard.
I gave a non-committal nod and checked the window.
Based on the position of the sun, it was about 10:00 AM. If I finished the paperwork now, I'd have enough time to eat lunch before leaving.
Having finished the time management calculation in my head, I blasted through the paperwork several times faster than usual. In actual time, it took a little over ten minutes.
Since most of Squad 4's paperwork relates to patients, I had to be meticulous, which slowed me down.
If it were any other kind of paperwork, I would have finished in five.
"Is this the last of the approvals for today?"
"Yes. More might come in this afternoon, but for now, that's it."
"Done. Let's go eat."
"Pardon? Wait, WHAT!? Already!?"
"The forms are standardized, so you only need to skim the variables. If you don't believe me, check for yourself."
I handed over the stack of papers. Sakurano's jaw dropped as she blinked, scanning the documents.
"You really finished it all...?"
"Come on, let's get lunch."
I patted Sakurano on the shoulder—she currently looked like an aristocrat watching Columbus stand an egg upright—and walked out of the Captain's office.
Having finally snapped out of her shock, Sakurano hurried after me, her eyes sparkling as she unleashed a rapid-fire torrent of words.
It was buried under so many flowery adjectives that it was hard to follow, but the gist was: How are you so fast? I must know! Please teach me your secret!
"A secret, huh...."
Actually, there isn't really a 'secret'.
It's like they say about success—it's mostly physical and mostly experience. Or in this case: 7 parts physical, 3 parts seniority.
"Service time."
"Pardon?"
"If you do paperwork for several thousand years, you'll naturally get this fast. Want to try?"
For the first time ever, I saw Sakurano shake her head in sheer horror.
I'm not trying to brag, but it felt like I finally won a point against her.
"By the way, it's only 10:20 AM. Nowhere will be open for lunch yet. Where are we going?"
"Home."
"Excuse me?"
She had a look on her face like she'd misheard me, but I didn't bother repeating myself. I just led her there.
To the house where Unohana was.
"Oh my. What brings you back home at this hour, dear?"
"I finished the paperwork early so I had some time. I didn't want the kids at the squad feeling awkward with me hovering, so I came back for lunch. You haven't eaten yet, have you?"
"Fufu, no. I was just about to start preparing something. But.... I see a familiar face?"
"Ah, yes! H-hello! It has been a long time, Captain Unohana!"
"Ufufu. No need to be so tense. Right now, I am not Captain Unohana, but simply a man's wife."
It was a touching reunion between a Captain and her Lieutenant.
Of course, I hadn't brought Sakurano home for no reason.
Since Unohana would likely return to active duty in about a year, I brought her here to help Sakurano start adjusting early.
A year passes in the blink of an eye, so she needs to be ready.
So, naturally, I kindly recounted every single one of the comments Sakurano had made while working with me to Unohana, without skipping a single detail.
"Fufu."
"Cough! Hack! C-Captain... please, some water..."
"Oh my, 'which' Captain are you referring to, Lieutenant Sakurano?"
"Don't tease the girl too much. Here, water."
She must have been seriously choking; when Sakurano pounded her chest, it sounded like someone beating a war drum.
Still, after we ate and talked over tea, things ended on a relatively good note.
"I am well aware that my husband is excessively competent. It is not surprising that you would have such thoughts."
"T-thank you..."
"Still, I do feel a bit slighted. Perhaps I should just retire for real. Like that girl did last time..."
"Gah! Cough...! Pffft!"
"Oh dear."
Wow. I've never seen tea spray out of someone's nose before.
Ah. She's crying.
I ended up getting scolded for essentially bullying the poor girl.
Well... I didn't have much of a rebuttal, and I didn't realize she was that scared of her former Captain, so I spent a moment in quiet reflection.
It wasn't a harsh scolding, more of a 'don't do that again' warning, so I apologized to Sakurano before we left.
Unohana also apologized for being so mischievous, and the situation was settled.
"Sniff... My stomach still feels heavy..."
"That's why I told you to stop saying weird things."
"No, but who in their right mind would take those words literally! Captain, you're so petty!"
You looked 100% serious at the time, so I had to take them literally.
...If I said that, she'd probably start crying again, so I just looked away into the distance.
"Let's just drop the subject."
Anyway, by the time we finished lunch and headed out, it was exactly time for the meeting.
The sun was high in the sky. No matter how you looked at it, it was noon.
"Aren't we late?"
"Yeah. I lost time trying to calm you down."
"And whose fault do you think that was...! No, wait, didn't you just say we should drop the subject, Captain Shimon!?"
"I'm going on ahead before I get yelled at for being even later."
"Don't run away! Don't! Don't you dare run!!"
I wasn't running away; I was just really late.
I told her as much and headed straight for the General Headquarters conference room.
Since the Headquarters was mostly filled with former students from my Budokan, there were very few who didn't recognize my face. I was able to go straight to the meeting room without much scrutiny.
Inside, the other twelve Captains were already gathered.
Turns out I really was the last one.
"Sorry. I was eating lunch and lost track of time."
"Hmph..."
When I apologized honestly, some looked uncomfortable, but most seemed to let it slide.
And as soon as I entered the room, I heard the news.
"Captain Katori Batsunsai of Squad 8 and Captain Saito Furufushi of Squad 6 have decided to retire."
"We're getting married!"
It was a world-shattering announcement.
"Don't say it in a way that creates misunderstandings, you four-eyed cow!! I'm not marrying her! Both of us are getting married to other people, so any of you who get the wrong idea are dead meat!"
The world split into eight pieces.
Holy sh*t, what did I just hear? That Saito Furufushi is getting married...?
—Shihoin Rasatsu!! Die, traitor!!
...I guess it's plausible.
If even that wild brat could get married and start a family line, why couldn't Saito?
"Hey, Saito. So, who are you marrying?"
"The Kuchiki clan."
Oh, fck. Now that's* a big surprise.
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