(ZEVRAN)
The look on Asa's face when I'd said all that shit to him made me want to puke.
Guilt swirled in my stomach, and I felt like a complete jackass. Even if what I'd snarled at him was true, it had been cruel to say that to his face.
"Fuck." I raked a hand through my hair. "God damn it."
I'd completely lost my mind. When he'd suggested he sleep with other alphas, something inside of me had reared its ugly head.
Finding out he was a virgin had swamped me with lust, and I'd already been struggling with trying not to show that. Then he'd said the thing about sleeping with another alpha, and I'd felt like my insides had turned into molten lava.
Rage at the idea of him wanting another alpha had overtaken me. Jealousy and lust had ravaged me as I'd struggled to control myself. Then he'd said that smartass comment about me not being empathetic. Why had I let that get to me? Why had I lost my cool? He was a mouthy kid. So what? Shit.
He'd been like a little kitten, trying to assert himself, and I'd blasted him to smithereens with a fucking bazooka.
He was hurt. I'd seen that clearly. I'd made him feel unwelcome. Useless.
I hadn't meant to do that to him. I'd wanted him to feel welcome in my home, but I'd completely fucked that up.
We'd been having a good, open conversation, and then I'd lost my shit with jealousy. I was embarrassed. I'd gone way too far. I needed to apologize, but my pride was still bristling.
I groaned and went to the liquor cart in the corner. I poured myself a generous serving of The Balvenie Rare twenty-five-year-old whisky, and I stood near the fire. As I sipped the smoky beverage, the memory of Asa's wounded face ate at me. I needed to grovel a little. I needed to try to explain myself. But to do that, I'd have to admit he turned me on. I'd have to tell him that the idea of anyone but me touching him infuriated me.
I sighed, adjusting my dick through my jeans. "He does turn me on," I mumbled, wincing. "I'm sorry, Lukas. Please, don't hate me."
Just the sound of the crackling fire met my words.
Maybe later, when he'd had time to cool down, I'd go talk to him. Perhaps being honest with him was the way to go. I could just explain to him that, while I didn't intend to sleep with him, I was very attracted to him. I could explain that the attraction I felt had made me overreact. His suggestion of sleeping with other alphas had sparked my natural alpha jealousy.
Surely, he understood that alphas were territorial. That was all this was. I'd paid for him, and that made me possessive of him. It was no big deal. Acknowledging sexual attraction wasn't a betrayal of Lukas' love. Acting on it might be, but feeling it wasn't anything I could control.
I sighed, trying to picture Lukas' face.
I missed him so much, but it was getting harder and harder to recall his features.
Guilt nipped at me, and I gulped some of my whisky. I winced as it burned my throat. I was ashamed of having trouble remembering Lukas' face and ashamed for hurting Asa's feelings. God, I was an asshole sometimes.
I should have gone to apologize to Asa right away, but I was a coward. Instead, I sat in my study, drinking whisky and feeling sorry for myself. When Mrs. Gentry came to tell me dinner was ready, I got unsteadily to my feet. I went into the dining room, expecting Asa to be there, but he wasn't.
"Where is Asa?" I asked Mrs. Gentry.
She lifted her brows. "I assume he's in his room," I grunted and took my seat. When the cook, Mrs. Smith, came into the room, she scowled. "Master Zevran, are you drunk?"
I laughed. "Is it that obvious?"
"It smells like a distillery in here." She scooped some red potatoes onto my plate and then some baked chicken. "Eat all of this, so you don't get sick."
"Yes, ma'am," I said obediently. Mrs. Smith had been cooking for my family since I was a teenager. She was warm and motherly on the surface, but I'd learned long ago to just do what she said. Her stern gaze could cut men off at the knees.
She set the serving dish she held down and studied me. "I heard you arguing with Asa."
My face warmed. "Did you?" I took a bite of chicken, but couldn't really taste it.
"I'm sure everyone did."
"I lost my temper."
"Well, that much was obvious." She tapped her foot. "You know, I'm not one to beat around the bush."
I grimaced. "No, you're not."
She sighed. "You were very hard on him. He's young. You should guide him, not steamroll over him."
I winced. "I know. I… I made a mistake."
"Yes, you did." She laughed gruffly. "So, how are you going to fix it?"
I set my fork down. "I'm going to apologize to him."
Approval swam in her gaze. "Good. He's a sweet thing. I think he wants to please you."
I swallowed hard and grabbed my glass of water. Once I'd swallowed a few gulps, I set the glass down. "I don't know what to do with him."
She wrinkled her brow. "What do you mean?"
I lifted one shoulder. "Just what I said, I… I don't know what to do with him."
"Well, he's your omega. Do whatever you'd normally do with your omega."
I met her gaze. "He's not really my omega."
She looked confused. "He looks real enough to me."
"No, I mean, I don't intend to treat him like… well… I still love… Lukas."
"Oh." She frowned. "Of course you do. You'll always love Lukas. But he's gone."
I pressed a hand to my chest. "He's not gone for me. He's still here. I… I only want Lukas. I don't want to replace him."
She blinked at me, looking displeased. "But, you brought Asa here."
"I did indeed."
"Why would you do that if you're not going to claim him?"
That was the million-dollar question. "There were extenuating circumstances. I only bid on him because he was about to be sold to a horrible, abusive alpha. I couldn't let that happen."
"I see." She bit her lip.
"Now he's here, and I don't know what to do with him. He's confused because I'm confused." I groaned and leaned back in my chair. "Tell me what to do, Mrs. Smith."
She laughed. "I don't think that's my place, Sir." I lifted my brows. "Since when does that matter?"
She grinned. "I do speak my mind. This is true. But in this situation, only you know what you want."
Want.
There was so much want. But there was equal amounts guilt. "I feel disloyal even thinking about taking Asa as my omega. For real."
"Disloyal to who?" Her gaze flickered. "Lukas?"
I nodded, avoiding her gaze.
"Zevran." She rarely used only my first name unless she was upset with me.
"Yes?" I mumbled.
"Lukas would want you happy. He'd hate for you to be alone the rest of your life." She put her hand on my shoulder. "I was thrilled when you brought Asa home. The entire staff was. Well, maybe not Mrs. Gentry, but the rest of us were. We've all been praying you'd meet an omega who sparked something in you."
I glanced at her in surprise. "Really?"
"Of course. No one can grieve forever." She sighed. "What you had with Lukas was special. There's no question. But he's gone. He's never coming back. It's been ten years. You need to live your life and find happiness again. That's not a betrayal to Lukas. It's what he'd want for you."
"I don't know how," I said. "I… I don't know how to let go of him."
She squeezed my shoulder. "You don't have to let go of Lukas. You just have to let Asa into your heart as well. It would be good for you to love again. A kind, intelligent young omega like Asa would be just the thing. Imagine the house filled with your children. Wouldn't that be wonderful?"
"I'm not ready. I'm just not." I curled my hand into a fist. "But have you really even tried with Asa?"
"No. I can't. I feel like I'm betraying Lukas."
She nodded, looking disappointed. "Then maybe you should let Asa go. It's not fair to keep him here if you truly don't want him. He's too young to be shoved off to the side. He needs attention. He deserves an alpha who will worship him. Guide him."
"If Finlay hadn't been so prideful, Asa would be with him now," I grumbled. I ignored the fact that I didn't really like the idea of Finlay taking Asa from me. Those familiar possessive feelings came over me again. I couldn't wait for them to fade.
"I don't understand."
I grimaced. "There was a bidding war between Finlay and the despicable alpha I mentioned before. Finlay didn't have the money to outbid the other alpha, so I offered to help. He flat-out refused my offer. I had no choice but to bid myself."
"You had no choice?" She frowned.
"If I hadn't, that nasty alpha would have won Asa in the auction." I shook my head, scowling. "I couldn't stand for that."
"But… you didn't have any real attachment to Asa, right?"
I gritted my teeth, too embarrassed to mention the lust and greedy need I'd felt about Asa. "I just didn't want the other alpha to have him."
"I see." She had a funny look on her face. "I told you, he was a bad alpha."
"Okay. I believe you."
"Anyway, Finlay would have known how to treat Asa. He'd have probably even bred him by now." Even as I spoke, the idea of Finlay touching Asa filled me with jealousy. I was annoyed and mystified by the nagging possessiveness I felt toward Asa. "But Finlay won't take Asa off my hands because he knows how much I paid."
She laughed. "Alphas are so silly and stubborn."
"We can be. Omegas can be silly and stubborn, too." I glanced over to where Asa should have been sitting. "He's probably avoiding me."
"Probably." She sighed. "Who could blame him?"
I winced at her chiding tone. "Did you send a tray up to Asa? He's too thin. He should eat."
"Luna took up a tray, but he wasn't in his room. She thought maybe he'd gone for a walk."
I straightened. "He wasn't in his room?"
She frowned. "No, but it's still light out. He was probably upset after your argument. Who could blame him if he needed a walk to clear his head?"
I stood. "He's very willful. He… he might try to run away."
"No. Why would he do that?"
"Because I was so mean to him." I winced, moving toward the doorway. "Are you sure he's not just lost somewhere in the house?"
"Not really."
"Where's Mrs. Gentry? Maybe she knows where he is." I headed out into the foyer. "Mrs. Gentry?" I called out, feeling oddly panicked.
She appeared at the top of the stairs. "Yes, Sir?"
"Do you know where Asa is?"
She frowned. "He's not in his room?"
"He wasn't. Could you go check again? Maybe he's there now."
My heart was racing, and I wasn't sure why. It wasn't like Asa was a toddler who could get himself into trouble. He was young, yes, but he was an adult.
Mrs. Gentry hurried away, and I waited impatiently, shifting side to side. Would Asa run away? He'd been very upset. He might not have been thinking straight. He'd been emotional, and I'd made him feel like a burden.
Not just that, I'd threatened to share him around with other alphas. Fuck. I didn't know him well enough yet to know if he was the type who ran away from conflict.
When Mrs. Gentry appeared at the top of the stairs again, her expression was strained. "He's not in his room, Master Zev."
"Shit." I raked a hand through my hair. "Have the staff search the grounds. If he's just out having a walk, that's fine. Let him be. But if… if he's…" I didn't finish my sentence.
It had been hours since our argument. If he'd left the grounds, he could be anywhere by now. "I'll be in my study. Tell me immediately if you find him."
"Yes, Sir." Mrs. Gentry swept down the staircase, her expression grim.
I went into my study, and I closed the door. Then I leaned on it, feeling ashamed at how I'd treated Asa. I should have gone to him immediately and apologized. I'd wasted hours feeling sorry for myself.
I'd been cruel, selfish, and obtuse.
I felt sick to my stomach because I knew this was bad. Even though I'd instructed my staff to look for him on the grounds. I knew they wouldn't find him. I knew in my gut he was gone.