Chapter 128 – Wingman Leonard
"Knock, knock, knock."
Ethan tapped on the door.
After waiting a few seconds with no response, he simply pushed it open and walked in.
Penny was curled up on the couch beneath a blanket, her eyes red from crying.
"Sorry," she sniffled. "I kind of yelled at you guys earlier."
Ethan closed the door behind him and softened his voice.
"It's okay. What happened?"
Penny rubbed her nose.
"I went to see Mike… because I wanted to get back together with him."
"Yeah, I know that part already." Ethan couldn't help muttering, "Leonard's terrible advice."
The door instantly flew open again.
Leonard stood there nervously.
"Sorry, Penny… this really is my fault."
"No, it's not your fault." Penny shook her head as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. "He already has someone new."
"What? That fast?!" Ethan and Leonard blurted out at the exact same time.
"That's exactly what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck!" Penny burst into tears again.
"I'm sorry, Penny. I really am." Ethan tried to comfort her.
"How could he do this to me?" she sobbed.
Leonard instinctively started explaining:
"Well… to be fair, you did smash his eighty-gig iPod—"
"Exactly!" Ethan immediately cut him off. "How could he do this to you?!"
Penny sniffed hard.
"I swear. I'm never dating men like that ever again."
"The kind that are… ridiculously handsome, in amazing shape, and super rich."
Leonard glanced sideways at Ethan.
"Yeah. Guys like Ethan definitely age terribly."
Ethan: "???"
Penny kept ranting.
"You know what? This time I really want to date someone who's—
kind, honest, and actually cares about me."
Ethan originally thought her next line would be "I don't want to date anyone anymore."
Instead, it turned into full-on hopeless romantic mode.
He looked at Penny, who was still quietly crying, and suddenly asked:
"So… what do you think about Leonard?"
"What do you mean, 'what do I think about Leonard'?" Penny looked completely confused.
Leonard turned toward Ethan in absolute shock.
His expression practically screamed:
Is NOW really the time for this?!
Ethan subtly gestured upward with his hand.
Go. Push forward.
Leonard hesitated for a moment.
Then he looked at Penny, still wiping tears from her eyes, gathered every ounce of courage he had, and awkwardly forced the words out:
"Then… how about going out with me?"
Penny blinked and looked up at him.
"Are you asking me out?"
Behind Leonard, Ethan continued making aggressive advance forward hand signals like a football coach sending someone into battle.
Leonard glanced helplessly at Ethan, then turned back toward Penny.
"Yes," he said seriously.
"I am…"
He swallowed nervously.
"…asking you out."
Penny stopped crying.
She looked at Leonard, then at Ethan, clearly surprised.
"Wow."
Then she actually started thinking about it.
Leonard panicked and immediately tried to backpedal.
"I was just following up on what Ethan said—"
Penny nodded slowly.
"Yes, I understood Ethan's point."
Leonard grew even more flustered.
"I mean, the whole kind-and-honest thing—"
"Right…"
Ethan stood there silently as his spirit began leaving his body.
He took a deep breath and decided to shove Leonard forward one last time.
"Penny, you just said you wanted someone kind, honest, and genuinely caring."
"And Leonard—he likes you. He cares about you."
"He literally pushed you back toward your ex just now because he wanted you to see what kind of person that guy really was."
Leonard buried his face in his hand again.
"And as for kindness…"
Ethan glanced at Leonard.
"I grew up next door to Sheldon. I never had a choice."
"But Leonard did."
"He volunteered."
"He takes care of Sheldon the same way people take care of small animals."
Leonard's voice turned emotional.
"Thanks, Ethan… but honestly, it's really not that big a deal."
"Okay!" Penny suddenly announced.
"What okay?" both men asked at the same time.
"Okay. I'll go on a date with you."
Off to the side, Ethan silently made a victorious fist-pump motion.
Leonard looked completely stunned.
"Really?"
"Yes. Why not?"
Penny shrugged weakly.
"At this point… it's not like I have much left to lose."
Leonard nodded seriously in agreement.
"Exactly. That's the right attitude."
Ethan let out a long breath.
"Okay… I think this is where I make my exit."
—
By the time Leonard and Ethan returned to the apartment, Howard and Raj had already gone home.
Only Sheldon remained in the living room.
The moment the door closed—
Leonard exploded.
Not into dancing.
Into something far beyond dancing.
It was a complete loss of bodily control powered entirely by raw happiness, with absolutely no regard for rhythm, balance, coordination, or human dignity.
He spun around the living room over and over, arms flailing wildly, feet stomping with awkward determination.
The movement existed somewhere between "celebratory dance" and "mild electrocution."
It looked less like choreography and more like a human body desperately trying to express emotions too large for language.
Ethan stood there watching silently for three seconds before calmly commenting:
"I suddenly understand why people feel like they can fly when they're happy."
He tapped the side of his head.
"Because at that point, there's no brain left in here anymore. Just air."
Sheldon frowned at the wildly malfunctioning Leonard.
"What happened?"
Ethan answered simply:
"Leonard is going on a date with Penny."
Leonard finally stopped spinning.
He stood there panting, eyes shining.
"Ethan… I genuinely don't know how to thank you."
"What you did back there in Penny's apartment…"
He placed a hand dramatically against his chest.
"That was heroic."
Ethan nodded without the slightest humility.
"I know. No need to thank me."
Leonard was just about to laugh—
when his expression suddenly froze.
It was as if some internal valve inside him had abruptly snapped open.
Slowly, he sat back down on the couch.
Then his entire body collapsed inward.
"My stomach hurts!!
Oh God—I suddenly feel…"
He stared at the floor, voice dropping into horror.
"…like I can't go on this date."
Ethan: "…"
He stared at him.
"What did you just say?"
"I spent days fantasizing about dating Penny."
Leonard clutched his stomach, face pale.
"But now that it's actually happening, besides excitement…"
He swallowed hard.
"…I feel nauseous."
Sheldon immediately interrupted:
"You've made a grammatical error."
"You used the phrase 'nauseous,' but from a strictly semantic perspective, what you actually mean is 'nauseated.'"
Leonard snapped.
"I DON'T CARE WHICH WORD IT IS! I FEEL TERRIBLE!"
He inhaled shakily.
"This date… could literally be my only chance."
"What if I ruin it?"
Ethan fell silent for a second.
Then he answered in an extraordinarily calm voice:
"If you ruin this date, the consequence will be that you grow old alone, bitter, and childless."
Leonard shot upright.
"You're joking, right?!"
Ethan remained expressionless.
"You started the joke first."
He leaned forward.
"After all this time, you finally got the chance to date Penny…
and now you're telling me you're too scared to go?"
Leonard panicked.
"But what if it doesn't work out?!"
Ethan sighed and sat across from him.
"Why are you assuming it has to work out?"
"Failure is the default setting."
"The question you should be asking isn't 'What if I fail?'"
He pointed at Leonard.
"It's 'What happens if I succeed?'"
Leonard froze.
Ethan continued, his voice taking on the rhythm of psychological conditioning.
"I'll tell you what happens if you succeed."
"Based on our long-term observations of Penny and her entire historical database of ex-boyfriends…"
"You will wake up every day with an extremely sexy girlfriend named Penny."
"You won't go home to an empty apartment anymore."
"She'll tolerate all your weird, awkward, emotionally unregulated needs."
He paused.
"Mostly the ones involving the bedroom."
Leonard: "…"
Sheldon immediately looked up.
"You're referring to sexual intercourse, correct?"
Ethan completely ignored Sheldon and kept staring at Leonard.
"So."
"Are you still thinking about not going?"
Leonard sat in silence for three full seconds.
Then suddenly he jumped to his feet, as though making some heroic, life-changing decision.
"No!"
"I'm definitely going!"
Ethan nodded approvingly.
"Good."
He pointed dramatically toward Leonard.
"Remember this:
Fear is temporary.
Penny is forever."