The night did not feel cursed or cruel, it felt somewhat patient, as though it had been waiting for me to be ready.
The kind where shadows seemed to stare, where the wind moved the curtains like a warning.
The diary, Nerissa's diary trembled in my hands, not from fear, but from the weight of everything it was about to confess.
I stood before the dressing table that contained the secret compartment where this diary hid.
A delicate floral embossing curls across the cover, elegant and youthful, with a thin ribbon bookmark slipping out from between the pages. At first glance, it looks like a maiden's keepsake, gentle and private. But the light falls wrong.
I sat on the soft bed, I felt uneasy as I open the book.
13th February 617.
Father is sick again, his condition is worsening, he had prohibited me from approaching him. Does he dislike me that much. Is it because mother never recovered after having me.
The first paragraph, was covered in Tear stains. My poor Nerissa. She was only nine at that time.
19th April 617.
Father has retired to the countryside to recuperate and I was given the mine. Uncle Cedric and his family moved in with us.
I met my cousin Adrian for the first time today, we have the same red hair, although he had gray eyes. If we live together long enough we might grow close to be called siblings! They are all so nice to me!
24th August 617.
Uncle Cedric, isn't happy he says I am a failure, that I am not working hard enough. He says I should do my best only then will father truly love me.
14th September 617.
Uncle has changed, he isn't nice anymore his just scoldes me. I don't want to be the heiress anymore. I not qualified anyway!
Not a single one of her entries are pleasant. I Open to the middle of the book.
14th March 624.
What am I doing wrong! Why,Why am I never improving. My grades, etiquette dancing, speaking, horse riding, Nothing is working Uncle is disappointed. What father may think is even more terrifying.
24nd May 624.
Uncle says improvement is silent.
If I were truly trying, I would not need praise.
I am trying. I think.
Perhaps trying looks different from what I am doing.
Today he corrected the way I stood for an hour. My back aches, but I did not move. Moving would mean I am careless. Careless girls disappoint fathers.
I will stand better tomorrow.
18th June 624.
Adrian laughed today.
Not at me, because of me.
I mispronounced a word during lessons. Uncle did not raise his voice. He simply looked at me and said, "Listen carefully. This is why you are unfit."
Everyone was quiet after that.
I wish he had shouted. Silence feels heavier.
1st August 624.
I am tired before the day even begins.
When I wake, I already know I will fail at something.
It makes my chest feel tight, like I am wearing clothes that do not fit no matter how much I grow.
Uncle says exhaustion is laziness dressed up prettily. So I must not be tired. I must not be anything at all.
29th October 624.
I tried to remember Mother today.
Her face feels blurred, like a painting left in the rain.
Uncle says Father avoids me because I remind him of loss. If that is true, then perhaps distance is the only kindness I can offer.
If I become smaller, quieter, less noticeable
maybe Father will breathe easier.
7th January 625.
I rehearse my mistakes before sleeping.
If I list them first, Uncle cannot surprise me with them later.
If I know what is wrong with me, maybe it will hurt less when he says it.
But he always finds something new.
It is strange, the more I try to fix myself, the more....
16th March 625
I was praised today.
It felt wrong.
Uncle said, "Adequate."
Then he added, "Do not let it make you arrogant."
I felt relief and shame at the same time.
Is that normal?
I do not trust quiet moments anymore. They feel like traps...
30th June 625.
I used to cry.
Now my eyes feel dry, even when my chest hurts.
Perhaps this is improvement.
Uncle says resilience is learning not to react.
If so, then I am finally learning something....
12th November 625.
Sometimes I imagine what I would be like if no one watched me....
4th February 626.
Uncle said today, "You should be grateful. Without me, you would be nothing."
I believe him.
When I try to remember who I was before, it feels like remembering someone else's life. A foolish, hopeful girl.
I am glad she is gone.
She caused too many problems....
One again I felt, my blood boil. My teeth clenched, this..,everything made me feel something indescribable.I opened the book to the last few pages.
5th February 626.
I met Lord Julian Fenwick today.
He spoke to me as though I were not something fragile to be tested. He did not correct my posture. He did not pause to find fault in my words. When I hesitated, he waited.
He said my name kindly.
No one has said my name kindly in a long time.
When he smiled, I forgot to be afraid. That frightened me afterward. I lay awake wondering if gentleness is allowed, or if it is simply another test I will fail.
But I hope....I hope I do not fail this.
14th March 626
Julian held my hand.
Not to guide me. Not to restrain me. Just held it.
He says I am diligent. He says my efforts are visible. I do not know how he sees them when no one else ever has. When he looks at me, my chest aches in a way that is almost warm.
I find myself thinking of the future, which is foolish.
Uncle says hope makes people careless.
But Julian says I deserve rest.
I think...I think I am falling. And I do not know how to stop.
27th June 626.
I wish I had not gone down that corridor.
I wish I had not recognized his voice.
I wish I had not heard my name spoken with impatience, as though it were a burden.
He was not alone.
The way he laughed with her was different..easy, unguarded. The way he touched her was familiar.
29th August 626.
Am tired, I wish this would just end.
Today I had a dream, somewhere on the shore a girl called. The shore looked beautiful tonight.
Something about that sentence made my heart sink. I look from the window, from here one could see the shore of the silver lake, one so big it was called a small sea and it belongs to the county.
25th October 626.
Uncle says affection fades when people see the truth.
If this is the truth of me, then I understand now.
I was foolish to believe that gentleness could stay.
I still have that dream. She still there.
The rest of the pages were heavily mutilated with ink and tear stains. I close the book and walk to the balcony, open it, I stare at the silver lake, as something sheathed within me.
It made perfect sense now, why this body still held emotions this intense, why it triggers its own. We have become one.
They taught you to endure. I learned something else.