Fear.
Everyone has a fear.
For most people, the fears are what keeping them up at night.
Me?
Oh well.
Ghost. Monsters. Beautiful Women.
It's too cliche.
Dying?
Well, a bit.
"..."
Okay, not just a bit—a lot. Everyone's afraid of the Great Beyond.
Everyone is afraid of death.
But even death alone might not have been this bad.
My head feels a little light. Almost as if I'm intoxicated. The kind of floaty intoxication that comes right before the lights go out. My breathing is a ragged, staccato mess, gradually smoothing out into a silence I know is inevitable. Small trails of saliva are drying at the corners of my mouth.
I'm such a mess.
I can't feel anything much weirdly.
Maybe I'm scared.
Fear.
I am drowning in it.
For years, I've harbored a very specific, very pathetic fear unlike everyone else.
What if one day.
I die mid gooning.
Dying while my hand is still firmly gripping my… well, you know that, right, rightttt. I know you get the idea.
Truly tragic.
To be found in that state, a corpse frozen in a moment of solitary, desperate degenerate indulgence.
What else could happen to you to be worse than this?
Dying is the easy part. The eternal embarrassment is what kills you.
And I think I'm living that fear right this very moment.
Such Tragedy.
I always used to dream about being one of a kind.
Well not too far off i guess.
knock! knock!
Someone's at the door. They've been there for a while.
knock! knock!
Can't they just fuck off already!
I'm having such a main character moment right now.
An internal conflict on the threshold of the abyss.
But what kind of main character even thinks about gooning this early in the morning.
Me, apparently. I'm an original, one hell of a kind.
It's not even that crazy, is it? Everyone has their own way of relieving stress before the 9-to-5 grind.
I just wanted a moment of peace
I just, I just wanted to goon.
But silly me didn't know a sharp, white-hot spike was going to drive itself into my chest in the middle of a video. I didn't know my heart would quit before I did.
But goddamn I wanted to finish that video so badly.
Now as my flesh prepares to rot, and I get to find out in this state, that video will still be playing on loop. Because I didn't even get the chance to close down my computer.
The blue light of the monitor is my only funeral candle.
When the pain struck me, I didn't just lose my strength to move. Or rather, it hurted so much that my brain short-circuited. The cognitive ability lost its function.
My state is very severe and I know my outcome. Cant fool me, I have spent my younger years hustling for money as a medical assistant, cleaning up after doctors.
I know this state all too well. There is no help for me now.
I am dying.
I'll be a dead man today.
Funnily, I don't feel any sorrow in this. Maybe I'm a bit tired, Maybe the shock of dying like this isn't letting me be sad about my fate.
Well anyway, there's nothing much I can do now.
By the way, while I'm having all this thought, I'm still gripping my treasure tight.
At least I'm not letting this go. At least I'll remain true to myself even if it's just for this moment only.
A loner to the very end.
It makes sense. I was an orphan, ditched by two parents who are currently living their best lives somewhere else. I used to tell people I didn't hold a grudge.
'I'm not the type to hold a grudge.'
Well that's a lie.
For all my twenty two years of life span I have wished nothing more but endless despair and misery for both of them. I hope even as they die they feel their body rot as their flesh falls apart and their throat clenches for water.
'Why me?'
'Why did it had to be like this?'
'Why bring me into the world just to discard me like a piece of garbage?'
Why why why
If a hell exists, I hope they're reserved the best spot in the deepest, darkest pit of it.
My face trembles while my eyes quiver, searching for a single drop of moisture in a body that's already shutting down. My lips feel like ready to crumble right this instant.
My breath too is gradually softening as I feel its slowing down for the eternal pause.
Is this what dying feels like?
So helplessly. So miserably.
And still… I haven't let go of this.
My jewels and treasure.
Now I can feel my consciousness washing off into the vast world of dark and dead. A place where I can never return from.
This is a virgin's death.
But do you even know how I prefer them big, colossal, robust and squishy.